The Gravity Falls Inside Job

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

Burning...screaming...blood...

GAH!

Scream both Mable and Dipper Pines as they abruptly wake up on the bus seat.

"Hey you alright there little buddies?"

The two kids look up to see two strange adults- a man in a business suite and a woman in a messy lab coat - looking at them concerned...

"Wha...who are you?" Asked a confused Dipper.

The woman lets out an awkward snort of a laugh, "Right, good one sweetie! Like you don't know your own mother!"

"And daddy! Yes sire bob! I'm your daddy past, present, future! Always have been, always wi-OOMPH!" Rambled the man in slight panicky before the the still 'smiling' woman elbows him in the gut.

"Uh, sweetie? You look pale, I think you should GO rest." Said the woman in gritted teeth. The man let out a sigh of relief and did just that.

The twins just blinked in confusion...but sure enough...as the haze left their minds...they could in fact remember...these two WERE there parents...

"Oh...right...yeah...your our parents...and were on a trip...to...Gravity falls..." Dipper said each word in confused uncertainly, as if he didn't quite believe what he was saying...

"Wait, hold on. I thought we were going alone? Why are you here?" Asked Mable in a more trusting yet equally baffled way.

"Wha? Oh, yeah. Change of plans, were going to live in Gravity Falls with you! Just a big old family summer vacation! Isn't that wonderful?" The woman then moves on before the twins could say anything. "Now enough questions! It's a long journey to your Uncle Stan's house! So let's try enjoy the scenery!" She points outside...to an endless row of trees that obscured everything.

The twins, apparently still disoriented from their 'sleep' just do as she suggests.

Satisfied the woman forces her smile to remain as she goes to rejoin her 'husband' on the opposite side of the bus...

"This is the worst thing we've ever done." Said Brett Hand through an equally forced smile.

"Don't think about it, just smile and be loving 'sweetie'...just smile and be loving..." Said Reagan Ridley, her eyes twitching as she kept a smile that looked more constipated then anything...

...

Gravity Falls theme-

(record scratch, everything abruptly interrupted)

"Forget that kid stuff, let's burn this mother fucker down!" Shouts Magic Myc as he puts in another record...

...Inside job theme...

As they unpacked the bus, Ridley stole away ans secretly checked her com device.

"Testing, testing, testing. 1,2,3...Yes! We are go! I know my temporal stabilizers would compensate for the causality dissonance!"

"Yeah, yeah. Forget that! ARE YOU IN GRAVITY FALLS!?" Exclaimed her boss, J.R. Scheimpough over the com-link.

Ridley sighed, "Yes, sir...infiltration has begun...although I'm concerned. Not only was this rushed...but why exactly where WE picked for this? I mean...US, as parents? With KIDS? Why? Just...why? I mean, let's be honest: I'm no social butterfly and Brett is...well, Brett."

"Oh, come on! Your two of Cognito, Inc's best and brightest! Why wouldn't I have the absolute faith in you? Why, I've never said it before. But I consider the two of you the kids I never-

"We were the closest people available, weren't we?" Guessed an unimpressed Ridley flatly.

J.R. cringes in a 'nailed it' motion, before immediately looking annoyed. "Look, there was a limited window of opportunity! First shot to get into Gravity falls in nine years, NINE YEARS! Be thankful your involved at all!"

"Hey mom! What's that racket over there?!"

Ridley quickly shut the link down, "Uh...nothing sweetie! Just struggling to make this dawm 2012 Sony Xperia Ion phone to work!"

Mable looks at her confused...but shrugs and continues to unpack from the bus...

...

POOF!

Stan Pines appears from a puff of smoke, ready to dazzle and frighten his Great niece and nephew...and two others?

"What the? Who are you two?" Asked Stan confused.

The two adults looked like two deer caught in the headlights, before Brett quickly recovers and nervously laugh it off.

"Heh, heh. Good one Stan the Man! Like you don't recognize your own nephew and niece-in-law! Get real!"

"Yes, were totally their parents!" Said Ridley nervously, "And we have the photographic evidence to back it up!" She exclaims as she pulls out a picture with all four Pines apparently on a Rushmore vacation together.

"Wait...we went to Rushmore?" Whispered Dipper to an equally confused Mable. "I...guess? I mean...I DO remember it...so, yeah?" Said a seemingly uncertain Mable...

Stan frowns at the picture...and then adjusts his glasses at the two adults as he appraises them thoughtfully.

'Hmmm...I know it's been over 12 years since I last saw them...but...well, okay they were too dang unremarkable to bother remembering what they looked like OR their names...that plus my cataracts and semi-dementia...but I'm pretty sure I'd remember the mom was an Asian...wouldn't I?' He asked that last bit doubtful

Quickly remembering the briefing on his psyche profile, Ridley quickly pulled out a suitcase. "Look, I'm sorry for changing our plans and coming with the kids so abruptly. So we brought this to cover our expenses." She states as she opens up the suitcase, revealing a TON of cash.

All doubts popped out of Stan's head as dollar signs popped from his eyes. "Eh, good enough for me!" He decided out loud as he quickly took the money before anyone changed their minds.

Dipper frowns suspicious, "Wait a minute, didn't you say awhile back that we didn't have that kind of money. Which was why you didn't let me skip ahead a gra-

clunk!

Dipper 'ommphed' in pain as Ridley threw a suitcase so hard at him he fell over. "No time to talk! Bring your luggage into your room before they get dirty!" She shouted quickly as she and her partner ran inside...

...many days later...

Wendy yawned as she kicked back her feet onto the counter and started to read a magazine-

BANG!

Suddenly she found her chair swept up from under her, her body slamming to the ground AND A GUN PRESSED TO HER FACE?!

"WERE NOT FRACKING PAYING YOU TO LOUNGE ON YOUR FAT ASS AND SOIL THE COUNTER WITH YOUR FILTHY BOOTS ALL DAY! GET YOUR MOTHER FRACKING DICK IN GEAR OR I'LL FREAKING BLOW YOUR BUNYAN-DAMNED BRAINS OUT!"

Wendy was too busy screaming and crying to really hear her though...

"WHOA! WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Shouted Stan as he quickly grabbed Ridley and pulled her away...

Dipper and Mable just gaped at this carnage in horror...

Mable tried desperately to look away from this proverbial car wreck to talk to Dipper, "So...and I can't believe I'M the one saying this...but I'm surprised you haven't pulled out one of your kooky conspiracy theories about our parents recent behavior...well, mostly mom's to be honest..." Admitted Mable awkwardly.

Dipper looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well I won't deny that I toyed with that notion for a bit, even went as far as consider them imposters or something...but after seeing stuff like THAT- he points to his Grunkle Stan desperately patching up a now pissed off Redhead and promising to triple her pay if she didn't sue... -I thought what kind of idiot would send someone like THAT to infiltrate a FAMILY of all things?"

...

J.R.'s ears began to burn...literally! "Gah! New and improved hair plugs my Aunt fanny!" He screamed in pain.

...

"Yeah, I guess there not exactly subtle." Admitted Mable.

Dipper noded, "Yeah, I mean come on! You couldn't ask for a worse spy! Sure I can see how Brett is your dad", he points to Brett taking care of customers.

"OMG! That Puma shirt makes you look like a rock star!" "Whoa, really!? I LOVE ROCK STARS! I'll buy a 100!"

"But Mom? She's just a socially awkward weirdo! She's nothing like either of us!"

Mable wisely decided not to say anything...just sip her Mable juice quietly

No spymaster worth his salt would use such terrible agents!" Said Dipper continuing his thought. Dipper then sighed, "No, as nice as it would be for this to be a case of alien body snatchers'...I think we just need to accept occam's razor: our parents suck."

To his shock, WENDY of all people gives him a sympathetic hug. "I feel your pain buddy." Said Wendy flatly.

Dipper blushes, this was the first time a girl NOT related to him had hugged him INTENTIONALLY...and didn't scream and hit him! This was wonderful-

SLAM!

"GAH! WHY IS YOUR FACE SO RED! ARE YOU BURNING UP! DON'T YOU DIE ON ME- Oh, your just having a boner." She rapidly screams as she grabs Dipper, throws him to the ground and tries to give him a rectal thermometer, then relents when she realizes he's fine. She then whips out a phone. "False alarm, my son's just having his first erection. Cancel the ambulance." Says Ridley...not realizing she's loud enough for EVERYONE in the shack to hear.

"Mable...kill me now."

"On it!" Shouts a solemn yet resolved Mable as she brings up a pillow to smother him...

...III...

TO BE CONTINUED?

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