Didn't think this through, did you Dipper?
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
...III...
Dipper was on top of the world! Here he was loincloth clad, wearing sick tats, spear in hand, swinging through the vines like a badass! And soon he'd murder the multi-bear and become a true man!
"NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!" Shouts Dipper as he gives another mighty leap-
RIP!
A very flustered and shocked Dipper turned around just in time to see his loincloth STAY snagged on that last vine-
CRASH!
"Dipper...Dipper...not as strong as he'd like to be...watch out for that tree..." Mumbled a dazed Dipper to himself as his lapse in concentration had caused him to slam into a tree...and slowly slides down...Dipper whimpered in pain as the unforgiving bark scraped his flesh and carved into his doddle.
Creak...
Finally he peels off and pops off. Fortunately, he'd slide down just enough so he didn't have too bad of a fall-
SPLASH!
But he did fall face first in the muddy puddle. Dipper groans as he looks to see that his once mighty spear had been smashed to useless bits as his badass tats were washed off...
"Great within 5 seconds I've gone from triumphant He-man swinging through the air to pathetic, little boy belly flopping in the mud... NAKED?!"
His rattled brain FINALLY recalled what had set up the unfortunate chain of events as he panicked and hastily covered himself...his panic NOT helped by the cruel reminder that two hands- or even ONE finger for that matter -was overkill to cover his ding-dong...
'Okay...calm down Dipper...your miles in the woods...all alone...NO ONE can see you...your loincloth is still within reach...just get it, call it a day before things get worse and just go home...'
Dipper looks up again and sure enough his loincloth is still on the vine...swaying back and forth out of his grasp...as if TAUNTING him...
"Alright...yeah! This is no problem! I'll just use all the awesome jumping skills I learned today to grab it no problem!" Dipper eagerly jumps up to the nearby tree-
CRACK!
Dipper groaned as he once more smacked into the tree's surface...once more sliding down to the ground with an unsympathetic thud...
As Dipper lay on his back he groaned as he realized...her remembered NOTHING of all the impressive combat skills his new friends the Manitour had taught him(1)...
Dipper grumbled, "Great on top of everything else, I have literally nothing to show for this stupid day now! I- Dipper takes a deep breath -Right, be angry about that later...get CLOTHED now."
He looks back up at the vine above him...now that he looked CLOSER...it was only BARELY out of his reach...SUPER jumping might be out of the picture...but if he could just get the angle right...
"Hup!" He shouts as he tries to jump up, barely missing the vine and falling back to the ground with a loud 'thump'. Dipper adjusts his aim and jumps again-
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
Thump!
Hup!
click.
Thump!
Hup!
click.
Thump!
Hup!
click.
Thump!
Hup!
click.
Thump!
Hup!
click.
Thump!
Hup!
click.
Thump!
Hup!
GOT IT!
click.
Dipper laughs, he'd finally grabbed the bottom of the vine. It took several jumps, some flops to the ground, a lot of clicks, but...Dipper's mind screeched to a halt as what he'd just thought...
'wait... click? Where would a click-
And then Dipper went very pale...as his eyes landed on very familiar face...covered with a VERY familiar phone.
"Y'know my parents FORCE me to take these weekly nature hikes and film birds. 'You need more exercise', 'you need a more productive and healthy hobby.' They'd moan at me...Now I kinda feel bad about hacking their account and trashing them on twitter in retaliation..." Admits a smirking Tambry...
"H-How long have-
"When you were swinging through the air on vines like a loon, your hilarious face-plant in wood, falling buck naked in the mud, getting ANOTHER mouthful of wood, and some very nice jump shots of your 'twig and cherries' bouncing about while you jumped...I got it all baby...and it's ALL live-streamed." Said Tambry in perverse sadism...
Dipper went very red as he tried to hastily cover himself, sadly this nearly caused him to fall. The vine he was grabbing was just too slippery, he needed BOTH hands to keep himself on it...thus leaving him completely exposed for all to see!
Swallowing his pride- whatever was left of it anyway -Dipper decided to simply focus on getting his loincloth on as fast as possible and getting the blood out of there!
Dipper chuckled nervously... "Uh for the record...it's cold-
"It's 80 degrees." Taunts Tambry as she hold up her phone, which confirmed the temperature...
"Uh...I was just in mud...so I'm wet..."
Sproing
Dipper somehow went even more crimson when Tambry popped up and gave his wick a flick.
"BONE DRY." She mocked in a sing-song voice.
"Uh...grower not a shower?" He pleaded desperately.
"Wendy in a bikini" Said Tambry flatly.
sproing
Tambry laughs as shakes her head, "Yikes, even erect you can barely get another half centimeter there..." She says while recording the whole trainwreck.
It took all of Dipper's willpower to not cry...but he just kept focusing on the climbing, 'Okay Dipper, just focus on the loincloth...your at rock bottom now. So the brightside is: There is literally NOTHING else she can do to to make this worse..."
So of course, on que...
poke
Dipper let a rather girlish shriek as he felt something COLD prod betwixt his balls. Tambry laughed, "Man am I glad I splurged and got the ENM: edition selfie-ice stick!" She teased as she continued to record as the ice shrunk poor Dipper 'mini-sack' down to a 'micro sack'...
"THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING!" Screamed Dipper...he couldn't help it now...he was sobbing...
And seeing that...Tambry actually hesitated bringing out her next CFNM torture implement...
Maybe she was going too far here...after all...he did save her from a bunch of ghosts...
So...yeah...maybe she was crossing a line here...she is about to put away her ENM: edition selfie-waxer stick-
"Got it!" Shouts Dipper triumphantly as he grabs the loincloth with both hands-
rip
Which ripped it clean of the vine...a startled Dipper had no time to regain his bearings-
GAH!
-and falls-
CRASH!
-Right on the unforgiving ground...
Dipper groaned as he tried to lift his aching body up-
rip
-only to immediately scream in pain!
For he'd land it right on the waxer stick, and to his shame not only was he in pain...but what few little pubic hairs he's acquired had been ripped off!
So not only was he naked and 'small', but on top of everything else he also had the shame of being 'clean shaven' and 'smooth down there'...which had just been recorded!
'In hindsight...I should've shut the livestream off FIRST,' thought a winching Tambry.
Dipper sobbed, grabbed the remains of his loincloth and streaked out of there!
"Wait, no! Dipper, I'm sorry I...Annnnd he's gone." Sighed Tambry as Dipper- evidently going through enough Trauma to kickstart his 'manly' memory again -had re-learned his manitour training and was swinging again...
Tambry frowned as he looked over the photos he had of him...honestly, he didn't cut too bad of a figure. Looks like all that back-breaking labor and being chased by monsters were clearly doing him a favor! He had a nice proto-six pack coming in...a very firm ass begining to sprout...honestly, it was only the tiny dick that 'ruined' image...
In any case, she saw enough comdies to know that boys bad day was just getting started! He needed help, yesterday!
Tambry sighed...but there was no way she'd be able to catch up with him! She was no athlete! Nevermind a Jungle Girl! She had only one option... Tambry groaned...but made the call anyway...
…III...
TO BE CONTINUED?
(1): Dipper would never realize that a fatal flaw in the Manitours technique is that a large enough hit to the head will make the memory fuzzy. Which is why they do crazy 'man' stuff all the time, to help them remember. In any case, in the main timeline, Dipper would fall out of bed and lose all these skills before a fateful fight with the 'Broken Heart'(AKA, Robbie)...thus rendering the entire episode...of his life, rather pointless...
AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!
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