John understood Jessie's reaction to her nightmare. Just listening to her describe it made him uneasy, so he could imagine what it would have been like to have visuals too. She started crying when she told him about what they had done to Sal's feet and broke down, sobbing after she told him about Patrick making her shoot him.
"I felt his...him explode on me. It was so real. It felt so real." She cried into his chest as he held her. Her words came out in starts and stops as her body hitched from sobbing. "He was gonna kill you."
He rocked her. "Shhhh...it wasn't real, it was a dream...a bad dream. You didn't shoot Sal and no one hurt me."
"Is she alright?" A nurse asked as she walked by them.
"She's fine," John answered. "Thank you."
John looked around. He considered taking Jessie somewhere else, because of the looks they were getting from some of the other people in the lounge but decided against it. He thought that if he stopped her now, she would get a hold of herself and stop completely, and he didn't want that. He wanted her to get it all out, right there, before it festered inside her like an open sore. So, he continued to comfort and rock her, ignoring everyone else around them.
"It was just a dream, Jess. Dad would never hurt you...that wasn't him."
"It could've been, though...he hurt you and your mom...he hurt a lot of people...it could've been him."
He didn't know what to say. She was right. The father he knew was capable of everything she had dreamed about and much more. He had felt it and witnessed it himself. He also heard stories, growing up, about his father and his father's business associates, so he knew very well what Patrick was capable of. He wasn't one of the most feared men in Boston, hell, the entire Northeast, for nothing.
John knew that Jessie was aware of it too, some of it anyway, so there was no sense in trying to sugar-coat anything. He put his hands on Jessie's shoulders and eased her away from him, so he could see her face. He cupped her face in his hands and brushed tears away with his thumbs. Her eyes were bright with tears and reflected a maelstrom of emotion, and he wanted nothing more than to take it all away.
"Jess, as far back as you can remember, did Dad ever hurt you?" Jessie shook her head in his hands. "How about T.J.? Did he ever hurt him?" She shook her head again. "And your mom?"
"I never even heard them argue." She answered softly. "But-"
His hands went back to her shoulders and he squeezed gently. "No. There is no but, Jessie, you have to stick with what you know...and you know, the man you grew up with, he could have never done the things you dreamed about...he loved you. I saw it in his eyes when he was with you...when he talked about you. Dad would never have hurt you, Jessie, not in any way...you have to believe that and forget about who he was before you knew him."
'He's not our daddy. He's John's daddy, but worse.' T.J.'s voice sounded in her head " T.J was there, he tried to tell me, he tried to help me...I couldn't...it was hard...I knew something was wrong, I knew Dad was wrong when I saw his eyes." Jessie looked at him. "They weren't like yours...warm and bright...making everyone who looks into them want to smile, even when they don't want to...Dad's eyes were like that...like yours...and T.J.'s." She looked away from him. "In the dream, they were cold and lifeless, like a fish. I was scared, but...I think I didn't wake up because I wanted to be with him, it didn't matter what was happening...I just...I needed to be with him again. Is that wrong?"
"No...God, no." John pulled her back into a hug. "Listen to me, Jessie, you need stop...the guilt...blaming yourself...punishing yourself...you have to let all that go..."
"It's hard.."
"It wasn't your fault...nothing was your fault. There's nothing you could have done to prevent any of it, not now, and not back then."
"But it all comes back to me-"
"Only if you let it, Jessie. Don't think so much. You're looking for answers that aren't there, so you're making up your own."
"I'm tired...too tired to fight sometimes." She pulled away from him. "I don't want to hurt you like he did...ever."
"Why would you say that? Jessie, you could never do that-"
"I could feel it inside me...sometimes it's easier and it...it feels good to be angry. It makes everything else go away, even if it's for a little while." Her stormy green eyes looked into his. "I know you've seen it...it's what upset you today...and yesterday when I snapped at you...Robert and Joey thought it was a joke, you knew that it wasn't. You knew, because you've seen it before...in him. I reminded you of him, didn't I?" She asked the sadness in her voice made her sound ten years younger.
John nodded reluctantly. "It's okay, though, Jessie...it's not the same, you are not the same. Don't you see? You're aware of what's happening because deep down, you know, that behavior is not natural to you. You are not capable of doing the things he did...you don't have it in you."
"How could you be so sure? Dad changed, didn't he? What...what if I change?"
"You won't trust me. I won't let that happen." He reached out and ran his fingers through her hair. "But you have to help me, okay?" She nodded and he smiled. "I know you don't want to do the psychiatrist thing...do you think it won't help or are you scared?"
"Both," Jessie said softly. "Mostly scared."
"Yeah, it could be scary, I get that. But, you need to talk to somebody, Jessie. You need to get everything ...to talk everything out. You'll feel better, once you let all that bottled up stuff go, Jess, I promise."
"I don't know..."
"I know...and you trust me, right?" She nodded. "I've been there, Jessie, I know what it's like. I went through it myself before I became a cop. I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't get help to deal with all the baggage I was carrying around, from when I was a kid." He was uncertain he should continue with what he wanted to say, but he needed her to understand, so he went on. "All the hate I had for him, the guilt about my mother's car accident...it would've consumed me and kept me from what I wanted to be...if I didn't put it in words and let it out. Now, I'm not saying it was easy and it hurt like hell, but when it was over this huge weight, I didn't even know was there, was lifted from here..." He tapped the center of his chest. "And I was ready to let it go and move on. You need to lose what's weighing you down, Jessie, before it crushes you."
"I don't know if I can...I'm scared..."
"Jess, it can't be any scarier than where you go now...or where you could be headed. The nightmares, they're getting worse and they're not going to go away until you face your feelings...and your fears."
"Why can't I just talk to you?"
John smiled. "You can. You talk to me about anything, Jessie...well, almost anything..."
Jessie chuckled. "I know, I know...anything having to do with me and sex is off limits until I'm married, right?"
He cringed. "God, I don't even know if I can handle that. Have you ever considered joining a convent?"
Jessie laughed out loud, heartily, causing him to laugh too.
"I was half serious, ya know..." John told her.
"I know." She shook her head, grinning. "Why do you think I was laughing so hard?"
"Well, it's a big brother thing, it's part of the job description. But seriously, Jessie you can talk to me...I'm just too close to really be able to help you, to tell you what you need to hear. It would be better to talk to someone outside the family, but, of course, someone you're comfortable with." He smiled nervously. "I uh...I think I know that someone...it's just a thought..."
"Who?"
"Sam. She has the background, you guys know each other, but not enough for it to be a conflict of interest...she can help you, Jessie, you can trust her."
"Sam. You talked to her about it?"
"No, I haven't, I wanted to talk to you first. Jess, you have to want it...you have to want help for it to work. It's up to you, kid."
Jessie nodded and sat quietly for several minutes. "I need to think about it." She told him. "I can't promise you anything."
"I'm not asking you to. Just thinking about it will be good enough, okay?"
"Okay."
"Good. Now, what do you say we head back down to your room and get something to eat? Brian brought donuts and I could use a couple right now. And, I think there was a Boston Creme with your name on it."
"Well let's go then. I'm not one to let a Boston Creme donut get stale."
Standing up and reaching for his crutches, John laughed. "You should be a cop."
Robert and Brian were watching Oprah when John and Jessie got back to the room. John looked at the t.v. screen and then back at the two men, grinning.
"Bored gentlemen?"
"We uh...I really wasn't paying attention." Brian stammered.
"You were the one who put it on." Robert pointed out, laughing. "It's nice up there?"
"Yeah, it was almost like being outside, the only thing missing was a hotdog cart...which is what brought us down here...we're hungry and there are donuts."
"Don't eat too many, Jess." Brian said as he passed the box of donuts to John. "Joey's comin' by at six, he said he was bringing dinner for you."
John took a powdered filled jelly donut and held the box out in front of Jessie. "Bottom left-hand corner...one Boston Creme donut."
Jessie picked it up. "Sweet. Thanks."
"We have an hour and a half before Joey comes, you wanna watch The Tick?" Brian asked.
"Yeah, definitely."
The four of them sat watching The Tick. Brian and Jessie laughed at their hero's antics, Robert laughed at the two of them, and John was having trouble deciding who was crazier, the three of them or The Tick.
"Okay...I didn't say anything when I saw that The Tick isn't actually a tick, but uh...whatever he is...and I didn't say anything about The Moth guy, who really does look more like a rabbit than moth...or The Sewer Urchin guy, who talks like Rain Man, but I gotta say something about him..." John pointed at the screen.
"Chair-face Chippendale." Jessie and Brian said in unison.
"Chair-face Chippendale? Seriously?" John shook his head as they laughed. "Guys, he's a body with a kitchen chair sticking out from between his shoulders...he has no face. He's looking at everyone and talking...where are his eyes? Where's his mouth?" He looked at the screen again. "And what's with the guy with the wingnut for a head?"
"John, buddy, calm down it's a cartoon...not real-life, it's not supposed to make sense." Brian patted John's back. "You're not supposed to think so hard when you watch this."
"Are you sure we're related?" Jessie laughed.
Robert watched the other three and smiled. He felt like the father of three kids sitting in front of the t.v. teasing each other. He had kept an eye on Jessie since she got back to the room and except for red-rimmed, slightly puffy eyes, she seemed to be more like herself. She wouldn't make direct eye contact with him, but he noticed her glancing over at him, every once in a while, and he could see a combination of guilt and sadness in her eyes. 'She's beating herself up for what happened earlier.' He thought to himself. 'Well, that makes two of us.'
A nurse came in pushing an empty wheelchair and smiled at Jessie. "Dr. Buccannon ordered a chest x-ray, Jessie. He wanted to get one last look before you leave Friday, it shouldn't take long."
"Sure, okay." Jessie sat down in the wheelchair and waved as the nurse backed it out of her room. "See ya in a few."
"Hey, want me to go with you?" Robert asked before they cleared the doorway.
Jessie grinned. "Yeah...yeah, I do."
Tbc...
