"Are you sure you won't come back with us?" Robert asked Brian as he stood up from the table. He handed John his crutches and watched him as he unsteadily got up from his chair.
"Yeah, I'm gonna stay here for a while...drink a little more. Don't worry, I'll call one of the guys to pick me up or call a cab. I'll come by the hospital in the morning to get my car."
"Just take it easy, okay? Don't drink too much. It won't help anyway."
"I know. I won't stay long. I'll call before I come tomorrow. Hug Jessie for me, okay?"
"I will. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Ready John?"
"Yeah...uh yeah, I'm okay." John's voice was as unsteady as his balance.
Brian smiled at him. "You get some rest, buddy, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay." He said simply and followed Robert out. The crutches, thankfully, keeping him steady.
John got into the car, locked the door, leaned against it and rested his head against the cool glass of the passenger side window. It felt good. He watched the traffic go by, closing his eyes when the lights of an approaching car became too bright and opening them again when they passed by. He was trying hard to clear his mind, but the whiskey had his head spinning with questions and images, he couldn't settle.
Robert glanced over at him, noticing the younger man's troubled look. "You okay? Do you feel okay?"
"He saved my life..." John said softly, never taking his eyes from the window. "Dad...he saved my life that day."
"John..."
"Langston...he had a knife at my throat...after everything he had done so far, I was sure he was going to take my head clean off."
"John, you don't have to do this now."
John continued, acting as if he didn't hear Robert at all, his voice was steady and detached.
"Dad got away from Lewis...elbowed him in the face...broke his nose...Dad, he...he charged at Langston...God, everything happened so fast...he knocked Langston away from me...Lewis recovered...pulled out his gun and...and...Dad was standing over me when the bullets hit...he just...he just kind of crumpled to the floor in front of me...blood was coming from everywhere...it soaked his shirt...I tried to stop the bleeding...the bullet to his chest seemed like the worst, so I covered it with my hands...leaned into it hard...it didn't...it didn't help though...Jessie said 'Dad, don't leave me.' and...and...the look on her face..." He choked back a sob, banging his head against the window in frustration.
"John, it's okay...you can stop now." Robert reached over and put his hand on John's shoulder. "It's okay, buddy, relax...stop now." He cursed himself silently, wishing they hadn't gone so far from the hospital to get something to eat.
"He said I couldn't save him and he was right...there was nothing I could do...I couldn't do anything." He took in a deep quivering breath. "I couldn't do anything." He repeated.
Robert couldn't see his face, but he caught John's reflection in the window when a car passed by when the headlights washed over his face, and he saw tears coming down his cheeks in streams. 'This is my fault.' He thought. 'I never should have asked him about the warehouse, he wasn't ready.' They were only minutes from the hospital, but he pulled over anyway. His hand still on John's shoulder, he turned towards him.
"Look at me, John." John didn't move. Robert squeezed his shoulder gently. "C'mon...please."
John conceded and turned his head, slowly, to face Robert. Tears shimmered in his eyes, their color making them look like deep pools of ocean water, and made several trails down his face. Robert could see he was struggling, trying to hold back because with every breath he took his body shook.
"Listen to me, there was nothing you could have done for him, John. Nothing. It wasn't your fault. Grace saw his wounds...even if we would have gotten to him right after he was shot it wouldn't have helped...there was too much damage. No one could have saved him, John. No one." He watched as John continued to struggle with himself. He was so quiet, Robert could barely hear him breathe. "You could let go, John...it's okay, I promise."
John looked away from him, choking back a sob. He couldn't do it. He couldn't let go, because he was afraid his grief would crush him. When he looked back at Robert, his eyes pleaded with him. "I...I can't." His voice shook and it barely came out as a whisper.
Robert moved his hand from John's shoulder to the back of his head and pulled him into an embrace. When John tried to pull away he gently held him in place. He could feel John's resistance starting to give.
"It's okay, John...go ahead, let go...I got you."
His forehead resting on Robert's shoulder, John could feel the knots inside him start to unravel, and as hard as he tried to stop it, he was fighting a losing battle. His strength ebbing, he gripped Robert's upper arms for support, shuddered violently, then came undone with body racking sobs. He cried. He cried for himself, he cried for Jessie, but mostly he cried for Patrick, the father he had always wanted and, now, would never get to really know. The father he had begun to love again.
"I guess Jessie's not the only one burying things, huh kid?" He rubbed and patted the back of John's head as he held him. Robert smiled. "You are definitely your father's son...hold everything in until you choke on it...an O'Doyle trait I wish would have gotten lost in the gene pool." He chuckled "That and the damn Irish stubbornness." A small laugh escaped John and he grinned. "You take all the time you need, John...we have all the time you need."
Twenty minutes after he started, John quieted. He pulled away from Robert's shoulder sniffing and wiping at his eyes.
"Sorry." He said softly, wiping at his face and nose with his shirt sleeve.
"I see you picked something else up from the old man...apologizing for needing a friend. You don't have to apologize to me for that, not ever, okay?"
John nodded. A small smile crept across his face."Thank you."
"You don't have to say that either, but your welcome...always. You okay?"
"Yeah...ya know, I've been tellin' Jessie this whole time to let things go...that she'll feel better...and the entire time...I didn't realize...I thought I had kind of delt with things...that I could handle everything...I guess maybe I haven't and I can't."
Robert started the car and pulled back on to the highway. "It's alright, John, it's not just you. None of us has really dealt with it. We're all tip-toeing around the fact that Patrick is gone, instead of dealing with it and trying to move on...I know I've been doing it. Jesus, I haven't even looked at his Will yet. I saw him laying there in the morgue, I set up his cremation, and it still seems unreal to me. I've been thinking about it...I think it's because we haven't said goodbye yet, that we haven't laid him to rest. We need to do that and make his being gone real...final. I think it will help us all, especially Jessie." He glanced over at John. "I'm going to make the arrangements for the service for Saturday"
"This Saturday?"
"Yeah. Jessie will be out of the hospital...I don't want the thought of his service lingering over her head for days, I don't want to give her too much time to think about stuff that won't do her any good, it would be best to get it done as soon as possible."
John thought about it for a moment. "You're probably right." He said quietly. "I just wish it didn't have to happen at all..."
"You and me both, buddy...you and me both. You want to stop somewhere and get some coffee?"
"No, let's just get back, I just want to get some sleep."
"You're okay, though?"
"I will be...tonight...tonight helped...but I feel like I just went twelve rounds with Bernard Hopkins and I just want to crash."
"Well, I can understand that."
Robert smiled as he and John walked into Jessie's room.
"Look at that." He elbowed John and nodded towards the bed. Jessie was on her side curled up around a blanket and Joey was on his side curled up around her. "Sleepin' like babies." He whispered, stepping closer to the bed.
"I wonder how Joey managed that." John plopped himself down in one of the chairs and reclined it. His emotional breakdown sobered him up, but it weakened him. The walk to Jessie's room sapped the last of his strength and he could barely keep his eyes open. "I probably don't want to know, do I?" He yawned, settled deep into the chair and closed his eyes.
"No, you probably don't." Robert laughed and turned towards John. "Hey, hey wait a minute. John." He went over to him and shook him gently, stirring him awake. "Don't go to sleep yet, buddy...take your meds first, okay? You may not need them now, but you'll be glad you took them later on...you won't wake up in the middle of the night in pain, okay?"
John nodded.
"Just give me a second..." Robert went through John's bag and took his prescription bottles out. He shook one of each out into his hand, went to the water pitcher on the bedside table and poured half a tumbler, then brought both over to John. "Sit up a little, John...here, here's your pills." He waited for John to swallow them, then gave him the water. "Good. You okay?" He asked as John finished the water and handed him the empty tumbler.
"Uh-huh." John settled back into the chair and closed his eyes. He was asleep the second his eyes closed.
"Is John okay?"
Robert was a bit startled by the sleepy voice he heard from behind him. He walked over to Jessie's bed and leaned over the side to place a kiss on her temple. "Shhhh...he's fine, Jess, he had a couple of drinks too many tonight, that's all. Go back to sleep."
"Joey's still here..."
Robert smiled, she was still half asleep. "I know, honey, it's okay. Go back to sleep."
"Are you sure my brother's okay?"
"I promise...sleep now, you can see John in the morning."
"Okay."
Robert watched and listened, staying by her side, but she didn't move or say anything else. She had gone back to sleep, although, he wasn't convinced she was ever really awake. He placed another kiss on her temple, softly so he didn't wake her, then went and sat down in the chair across from John. He sat back and watched over them.
At midnight the nurse came in to give Jessie her I.V. antibiotics. Robert was relieved that the nurse didn't wake her. Satisfied that everyone was sleeping soundly, Robert closed his eyes and allowed himself to rest.
She was standing at the bottom of the four levels of stairs that led to Boston Raceway. It had to be the middle of the day because it was so bright out everything looked white and shimmered around the edges. She looked around her, there was no one, so she shielded her eyes and looked towards the top of the stairs. There were about ten people walking around, that she thought maybe she recognized, but only one stood out. He was sitting on the very first step, playing with cars, looking down at her and smiling. She waved at him and ran up the stairs to meet him.
"T.J.!" She said excitedly, slightly out of breath when she sat down next to him.
"I was wonderin' when you'd come." He hugged her. "I'm glad you're here, Jessie."
"Me too." She held him, not wanting to ever let him go. "What're we doin' here?"
He slid away from her, pocketed his cars and stood up. "C'mon, I'll show you." He waited for her to stand up, then took her hand. "We're gonna watch the races...all of us... together."
She let him pull her along, leading her to wherever they were supposed to go. She studied the other people as she passed them by and suddenly stopped walking. She recognized almost all of them. People from the neighborhood, Patrick's men, and faces she had seen in the newspaper. They were Langston's victims. His kills.
"T.J., where are we?" She asked nervously.
"It's okay, there's nothing bad here, Jessie. No one's gonna hurt you...there's no one here that could hurt you. C'mon, it's gonna start soon." He started walking again and pulled her along with him.
She walked with him, looking down as she went, so she couldn't see any more faces. When they started down some steps, she stopped again, suddenly realizing where they were headed. Sal's box seats. She looked up and to her right, then backed up, as far as holding T.J.'s hand would let her.
"I...I want to go." She stammered. "Right now."
"Jessie, it's okay, I promise," T.J. told her, he tried to pull her along again, but her feet would not move this time. He looked at who her eyes were fixed on. "Daddy, won't hurt you, Jessie."
She couldn't take her eyes off him. He was standing at the railing looking down over the tracks, Sal was standing to his left and Susan Grey was standing on the right. They must have been walking the horses around because they were pointing down at the track and Sal was looking at his racing form. A tall, blond woman caught her eye and Jessie suddenly felt lightheaded. She watched the blond woman walk up behind Patrick and wrap her arms around his waist. He turned and kissed her and made room for her to stand in front of him. Jessie's mouth felt like it was full of sand.
"M..mom...that's mom..."
"Uh-huh, mommy's here too. I told you all of us were gonna watch together. C'mon."
Jessie slid her hand from his and backed up. "I don't want to...can we just go? I want to go...go someplace else. Please, can we go someplace else?"
"Jessie, it's okay-"
"No!" She yelled, making him flinch back from her. She hated that she scared him, but she didn't trust being here. She couldn't be sure which Patrick was standing down there and she didn't want her mother to see anything bad happen. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I yelled...please let's just go back to the stairs, okay? I want to stay with you, T.J., but I don't want to go down there."
"Okay, Jessie, okay. Maybe another time we can watch together."
"Maybe." She glanced over at Sal's box seats again and froze. Patrick had turned around and was looking at her. He smiled and waved her over. She shook her head, turned and ran for the steps, hoping T.J. was right behind her.
She went down the first level of steps, just to be safe, and sat down on the landing, holding the railing for support as she tried to calm herself. A shadow fell on her and she started talking without looking up.
"Maybe we should go someplace else. I mean, we don't have to stay here, do we? We can go anywhere we want...just not the warehouse and not here...I don't want to be here, T.J., I'm scared...let's just-" She looked up and saw that it wasn't T.J. standing over her, it was Patrick. She looked away quickly. "Please make him go away, please make him go away..." She whispered over and over again. She felt him sit down next to her and she couldn't help turning to look at him. Her eyes wide with fear, she felt like a rabbit cornered by a wolf.
He reached for her shoulder and she cowered against the railing causing him to draw his hand back like he had touched something hot. She saw sadness wash over his face and his eyes filled up with tears.
"Jessie, I just wanted to...I...please, don't be afraid of me..."
Tears rolled down his face and with a trembling hand she reached out and touched his cheek, her fingers came away wet. They were real, his tears were real.
He reached for her again, instinctively she flinched, but this time she didn't move away. He pulled her into his chest and she clung to him, burying her head and holding him as tight as she could.
"Jessie I would never hurt you, never, please believe me." He cried desperately. "The man who could have died a long time ago...the day you were born. I would never do anything to hurt you. Please say you believe me. I can't take you being afraid of me. Tell me you're not afraid of me, Jessie...please."
He was sobbing hard now, reminding her of the night he had seen the crime scene photos from Sal's apartment. It was killing her to hear him that way. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm not afraid of you, I'm not!" She yelled, her face still buried into his chest. "I believe you, I promise...don't cry anymore...please, stop crying." She pleaded with him and her own tears fell.
Her shoulders hitched with quiet sobs and it woke Joey.
"Jessie." He shook her gently. He reached up, switched the overhead light on and leaned over to see her face. She was crying, but she was still sleeping. He glanced over at Robert and John, to see if he had woke them when he turned the light on, he didn't, so he switched it off. Her hair was damp with sweat and he pushed it away from her face. He pulled her close to him and leaned over so he could whisper in her ear.
"Shhhh...it's okay, baby, you're here with me...you're right here with me. Everything's okay, Jess...everything's okay cause you're here with me." He ran the back of his fingers, gently, up and down her cheek. She was starting to settle down, he kissed the side of her head and continued his Featherlite touch on her cheek. "I love you, Jessie. You're here with me and I love you so much..." He repeated it several times until she quieted.
When he was sure she had settled back into sleep, Joey curled up as close as he could to her and rested his chin on the top of her head. "I love you." He whispered again and closed his eyes. Soon his breathing matched hers in sleep.
Robert smiled. He had woke up the minute Joey had turned the light on, but he had turned it off so quickly, Robert kept quiet. When Jessie didn't say anything, he knew she was dreaming. Not wanting to interfere, unless it got worse, he decided to let Joey handle it, so he just sat and listened. It didn't take long for him to settle Jessie down, and Robert couldn't have been happier that Jessie was with him. Joey was attentive and gentle, and he seemed to genuinely love her and want to take care of her. Yeah, he was definitely happy they were together. Jessie needed him.
He couldn't seem to stop smiling, despite the fact that Jessie's sleep was disturbed by another dream. 'She could be with Joey out in the open now...it could help...maybe things will be okay after all.' He thought and hoped. He looked at his watch. It was 5:30 a.m. 'I'll call Brian in a couple hours...get him to bring breakfast.' He stretched, then sat back in his chair, shifting until he got comfortable. Closing his eyes, still smiling, he went back to sleep.
Tbc...
