Wow, I can't believe it's been 10 years. I also can't believe a song brought me back to this story and it was so easy to get back into it like I never stopped. I went back and read it, then went back and fixed mistakes and took out stuff I didn't like and then started writing new stuff. I have for new chapters waiting in the wings and there's more to come. Don't know if anyone still reads Profiler stuff, but I need to finish it regardless. I'm on a mission. I have it all mapped out in my head, just not sure how many chapters it's gonna take to get there. So if you're out there...I hope you enjoy.
"John sat next to her, watching and listening as she slept, waiting for her to need him, but she seemed to be sleeping soundly and dreamless. He leaned over pushed hair away from her face and kissed her cheek. "Sleep well, Jess." He slid off the bed with as little movement as possible and adjusted the comforter around her. Walking out of the room he stopped in the doorway and looked back at her. "I'm right here." He whispered. "I love you."
Jessie almost broke when she heard John say "I love you" but she continued to breathe slow and deep, pretending to be sleeping. When she was sure John was gone, she sat up and rubbed at her eyes, trying to force the tears back. She felt a huge wave growing inside her and her strength to stop it was ebbing. She moved to the edge of the bed and put her head in her hands. There was a dull throb just behind her eyes and her stomach felt queasy. She stood up slowly, opened the sliding doors to the balcony and stepped outside. It was cold but it felt good. Goosebumps broke out all over her body and the sensation was calming. She started trembling and she closed her eyes smiling. It felt good to really feel something other than feeling bad. She walked over to the railing and looked out over the city. "I don't think I can do this without you, Dad." She whispered. "I don't think I want to." She felt hot tears running down her cheeks and started shaking. Her stomach started doing flip-flops and she almost didn't make it back inside fast enough and just barely made it to the bathroom. "Dammit." She said through clenched teeth as she sat on the edge of the tub holding her stomach. Reaching over with her other hand she closed the lid and flushed. She stood up slowly, still shaking, and when she was sure she was steady, walked over to the sink to rinse out her mouth and wash her face. "How much longer do you think your gonna last?" She asked her reflection in the mirror. Not really wanting to know the answer, she left the bathroom and searched her room for her phone. She needed something or she needed to leave or both.
Jessie walked slowly down the stairs. She turned her room upside down looking for her phone, but it was nowhere to be found. She had sat on the edge of her bed, trying to remember the last time she had seen it, let alone use it, and when she finally remembered, she wished she hadn't. The last time she had used her phone she was at Sal's apartment telling her father Sal was dead. Walking through the living room and down the hall, like a kid being called into the principal's office, she stopped and stood, trembling, outside Patrick's bedroom door. Taking a deep, quivering breath she opened the door. She could smell his cologne and with tears streaming down her face, she looked around the room. She spotted her phone on his dresser, but it felt like it was miles away. Although her legs felt like jello, threatening to give out any minute, her feet felt like cement blocks and she didn't have the strength to move them. She pulled the door closed and leaned into it. "I'm sorry." She said as if speaking to someone on the other side. She walked back into the living room and stood for a moment, wiping the tears from her face, not knowing what to do. She felt trapped. So, not even bothering to put on shoes, she left.
John opened his eyes and sat up to look around the room, He had been dreaming but he couldn't remember what startled him awake. It must not have been good though, he didn't like the way he felt. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to remember, but got nothing, it was gone. He looked over at the clock. "Almost four." He got of bed rubbing his thigh, gently, preparing it for movement. "Almost three hours of sleep, John, not bad. Hopefully, Jessie and Robert got as much." Grabbing a T-shirt from his suitcase, he put it on as he left the room. He walked down the hall to Patrick's office, where Robert was sleeping on the pull-out couch and looked in. He was happy to see Robert still sleeping. Between having to deal with Jessie the last few days and trying to take care of everything else, the older man was exhausted and it was starting to take its toll. John pulled the door closed and headed for the stairs. "One down, one to go." Taking his time and he took the stairs nice and slow, but when he got to the top the pain in his leg was so bad it nearly doubled him over. He shifted his weight to his good leg and rubbed his thigh, trying to ease the pain, or at least make it more tolerable so he could keep walking. "I'm gonna catch so much hell from Grace for not using my crutches." He said through clenched teeth and straightened up, trying to take a few steps. The pain had eased, but not much. "C'mon John, you got this." He told himself and limped to Jessie's room.
John could see that she was not in her bed before he completely entered the room, so he headed for her bathroom door and knocked. "Jess?" No answer. He knocked again, harder. "Jessie? Hey, are you okay?" Starting to feel a little panic growing inside him, he turned the doorknob and opened the door slowly. "Jessie, are you-" He stopped mid-sentence when he saw she wasn't in there. He turned and went to the door for the balcony. "Jessie?" He called as he opened it, but she wasn't there either. Ignoring the pain in his leg he rushed out of her bedroom and down the stairs. "Jessie?" Each time he called her name, as he searched the rooms of the penthouse, the panic in his voice grew. He was just about to wake Robert, but he wasn't completely sure she had left, so he picked up the phone and called the lobby desk. "My name's John Grant..."
After talking to the lobby desk clerk, the panic had left him, but he still didn't feel right. He headed for the elevator and pressed the floor to the lobby. Jessie had not left the building, but was sitting in Maguire's, the bar in the lobby, and had been there for hours. Knowing who she was and some of what had happened, the staff were keeping an eye on her. John definitely felt grateful for that, but he wished someone would have called and let someone know where she was.
John spotted her sitting at the farthest end of the bar, playing with a glass of ice. The bartender was trying to engage her in conversation but she just nodded an continued to play with the ice, so he gave up and moved on to someone else. He stood behind her for several minutes, hoping she could feel someone standing over her, but she just sat there. He sat on the stool next to her and he saw her flinch, but she didn't look at him. "You didn't sleep, did you? You waited for me to leave...they told me you've been down here for a while... a few hours."
Jessie still didn't look at him. She just nodded.
"Jessie, why didn't you-" It was killing him that he couldn't see her face. "Jessie, look at me please." She looked up at him. Her eyes were glassy from drinking and wide with guilt. John put his hand on her back. "Hey, I'm not mad, I'm just worried about you. It's okay."
Jessie shook her head. "No, it's not okay. It will never be okay." She looked down at her glass again and whispered. "Not for me... not ever."
She slurred her words ever so slightly, but she spoke matter-of-factly, it was not the alcohol talking. John was worried. He was worried about the way she looked, pale with a glassy, far away look in her eyes and about the way she sounded, lost and defeated. "Jess, please don't-"
"Stop." Jessie interrupted him. She looked at him. "You can't help me. None of you can. You're all trying to put a band aid on something that's broken..."
"Jessie-"
"Can you bring him back?" She asked angrily. "Can you? Because that's it. That's the only way you can help me." She looked down again. "Being there...being home, it hurts too much. It hurts everywhere...it's hard to breathe."
"Jessie, we could leave. If it's too much we could go-"
"Don't you get it? It's my home. It's where I live...where we lived and I can't stand to be there." She shook her head. "Just being there, just the thought of being there without him...I feel sick. It makes me sick. It's not like before. After the car accident, he wasn't here, not for a long time, but I knew he was coming back. I knew it wouldn't be forever. But this..." Her voice trailed off as she shook her head again.
John rubbed her back and leaned in close. "Jessie, you're not giving yourself enough time. I know its a lot to deal with... a lot to get used to, but it will get better. It will, I promise. You just need to give yourself a break." He moved his hand to the back of her head and rubbed gently as he moved his fingers through her hair. He felt her relax. "You need rest." He told her.
"I need him," Jessie said quietly. "I need Dad...here." She moved away from him. "I went downstairs to get my phone out of his room...I wanted to...I tried, but I couldn't get through the door. I couldn't move, until I shut the door." She looked at him, "You should go. I want to be alone for a while."
"Jessie, listen to me, you have been through so much...more than anyone one person should have to go through, but you're strong and you got through it, just like you'll get through this, I promise. You just have to let me, let us, help you be strong when you can't. I'm not gonna let you do this alone, you hear me?" He reached over and wiped at the tears that had started to fall down her face. "Jess, let's go-"
"No." She said adamantly. "John, just go, please. I just wanna be alone, even if it's just for a little while, I just...please, go." She pleaded with him. "Please, I need this. I need some time and I need you to go."
"Okay, okay," John said gently. He didn't want to leave her, but he didn't want to upset her either. He stood up and put his hand on her shoulder. "Just promise me you won't leave and that you'll come back up soon."
"I promise."
John kissed the top of her head. "I'll see you in a while then..." She nodded and he walked away. He didn't want to, and it was taking everything he had not to go back with her, but he stepped into the elevator and went back up to the penthouse.
Robert was sitting at Patrick's desk going over paperwork. There was a lot to go through and sooner or later he was going to have to dive in and get it all sorted out. He heard the front door open and close, so he got up to see who it was. He was surprised to see that it was John and even more surprised he was just standing there staring at the door. "John?" When he turned around Robert noticed immediately that John was in a lot of pain. He was pale, he was wincing and his mouth was a tight-lipped grimace. "Jesus, John, sit down. What were you doing? Why aren't you using your crutches?"
John sat down with his leg stretched out. His thigh felt like it was on fire. He started to rub it, but it hurt to touch, and he was sure it was bleeding. He leaned back into the sofa and put his arm over his eyes, trying to will the pain away. He didn't have time for this, Jessie needed him.
"I don't mind telling you John, you look like crap. What were you thinking? " He noticed some blood seeping through John's sweat pants. "You're bleeding."
John looked at him, looked at his leg and nodded, but ignored it. "Jessie-" He started, but when Robert's face fell, he felt like he needed to reassure him she was alright before continuing, "She's okay, Robert, nothing happened...but she's down in the lobby...in the bar. She's been there since I left her...I thought she fell asleep."
"I should've warned you." Robert shook his head, he should have known better. "She's fooled Patrick and I many times. It got to the point where Patrick would stay with her for hours, so she would either have to just lay there and at least rest or give in and sleep. Don't beat yourself up over it, John, it's not your fault." He put his hand on John's shoulder and squeezed, to reassure him. "How is she? Drunk?"
John shook his head. "She's been drinking for a while, but I don't think she drunk, not yet anyway. We should've never come back here, Robert, it's too much for her...too soon."
"I know." Robert was angry, but at himself. "I keep doing what she wants, instead of what's best for her...what she needs. Even if she hated me for the rest of my life, I should have strapped her down to that hospital bed and kept her there for another week."
"She couldn't go into Patrick's room to get her phone. I think that hurt her, ya know?"
"Yeah, I know"
"She said she needed time alone...I don't think that's a good idea. She can't be left alone to be inside her own head, Robert."
"I agree." Robert got up, walked down the hall and came back with Jessie's phone. "You," Robert said pointing in John's direction. "Get that leg up and rest, I'm gonna go down there and get her."
"I can come with you-"
"No. John, I love how much you care for her and that you're worried about her, but you have to take care of yourself. You're still recovering too and if you're not careful, you are going to wind up back in the hospital. You need to stay off that leg, John, I'm serious."
John conceded. "Okay, I will." Robert started out the door and John called out to him. "Robert!" Robert stopped and John continued. "Don't push her. I kind of got the feeling that if I hadn't of shown up, she would've eventually left."
"Don't worry, John." Robert managed a half smile before he left.
"Yeah, like that's gonna happen," John said to himself after Robert left. He turned and put his leg up on the couch, closed his eyes and waited.
Unlike John, Robert did not hesitate when he approached Jessie. He walked right up to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She turned and looked up at him. Her eyes both glassy and dull from the alcohol. "So this is your big plan, huh? To sit here and get drunk?"
"Numb. Not drunk." Jessie finished the drink she had. "I told him I needed to be alone for a while."
"I know, he told me. Unfortunately for you, I didn't listen. He's worried about you...and because he's so focused on you, he's not taking care of himself."
"Maybe he should go back to Atlanta then."
"Is that what you really want?"
"I want to be left alone."
"Not gonna happen, kiddo, sorry."
"What do you want, Robert?"
"I want you to stop hiding...to stop telling me what I want to hear...to think about John and be there for him like he is for you...to wake up and realize you are not alone and don't have to go through whatever it is you're going through alone." Robert sat down next to her and put his hand over hers. "I loved him like a brother, Jessie, you know that. You're not the only one who lost your father. Brian-"
Jessie cut him off and pulled her hand away. When she asked what he wanted, she was only half serious, it didn't really matter to her. His response made her mad, but now he was pretty much saying she was being selfish, acting like she was the only one mourning her father. She was livid. "You're right, Robert, I'm not. I know that. But you and Brian and whoever else you were gonna bring up ...you didn't watch him die. I did. I watched him die, but I didn't get to hold his hand and say goodbye...I didn't get to hug him and kiss his cheek and tell him how much I loved him..." Her eyes welled up and hot tears ran down her face. "No, instead I got to watch him get shot-"
"Jessie, enough..."
Jessie continued, not hearing him. "I got to watch him fall, holding his chest and trying to breathe...I watched bubbles of blood seep through his shirt every time he took a fighting breath...and I got to sit there, chained to a fucking wall, as he bled out, choking on his own blood." She was almost shouting. "So, don't tell me we feel the same way...don't tell me what you lost is the same as what I lost!"
"Jessie, I'm sorry ...what I said...I didn't mean it like that." Robert was crying now too, both for Jessie and for Patrick. "I just meant that we were all hurting and we need each other..."
"I couldn't do anything." She said quietly. " It was like when I was 12...the car accident...watching him burn..."
"Jessie, don't do this to yourself...please." Robert pleaded. She was looking at him, but it was like she was looking right through him. "Jessie, hey..'
"I've been sitting here thinking...going over everything and I tried. I tried to come up with a thousand reasons not too, but I can't..." She looked him in the eyes and through clenched teeth continued. "Sal...I hate him. I hate him for what he did. It's his fault Dad's dead. It's his fault John's hurt... it's his fault I feel this way. I hate him. He deserved everything they did to him and if he wasn't dead right now, I'd kill him myself."
"You don't mean that you don't. I am not gonna let you do this-"
"Do what? Isn't this what you wanted? You don't want me to lie about how I feel, but you don't want to hear the truth either?"
"It's not the truth and you know it! You're hurting, you're angry, and you're lost...and that's the truth!" Robert shouted and when she flinched, he said. "I'm sorry, I am, but you blaming Sal...hating him, it's not going to make everything go away. It's not going to make you feel better. It's going to make you feel worse. Sal loved you and he protected you fiercely...and while trying to protect you, he made a mistake."
"Please go." Jessie almost whispered. Hearing the real truth out loud was too much and the numbness she had started to feel was slipping away. "Go or I will."
Robert was caught off guard, he was sure he was getting through to her, but she was shutting down. "Jessie-"
"If you don't leave, I will."
Robert couldn't help but remember the last time she threatened to leave and did after she and Patrick got into another argument over her behavior and drug use when she was sixteen. Four days later they found her unconscious and barely breathing from a drug overdose. He took her phone out of his pocket and put it down in front of her. "John told me you wanted this."
Jessie nodded, looking down at the phone. When she looked up at him a tear ran down her face. "Thank you."
Robert reached over and wiped the tear away. "When you're ready, you'll come back up?"
"I will. I promised John."
"Ok." Robert stepped in front of her and hugged her. She didn't hug him back at first, but gave in, and wrapped her arms around him. Robert smiled and kissed the top of her head. "I love you."
Jessie nodded against him. "I love you too." She pulled away, wiping at her eyes. "You should go. John will be worried."
Tbc...
