She thought being alone with Dean might make her feel trapped. Maybe she was hoping it would feel that way. Instead, he was a comforting and calming presence. He made her feel like she had an addiction. She still wanted to be with him. The worst part was knowing that he didn't want to be with her the same way any longer. There wasn't anything she could have done differently to change that though. While she suspected that the break was more of a blip than a permanent thing for Dean, she had no interest in pining away for something she couldn't have. Mae knew if she hadn't called him for help, he wouldn't have called.

Dean paced the room before he decided to put his excess energy to work and perform some basic weapons maintenance. Research seemed too tedious, and he needed a more physical outlet. Sharpening knives and cleaning guns were the closest he could find right then. The tasks helped him focus his thoughts on something other than her. He only had a few items with him, nowhere near the cache of weapons in the car.

Because she already had her equipment spread out on the spare mattress, he assumed at some point Mae also went through the routine. He would have to borrow her supplies too, but she just glanced at him when he grabbed her whetstone from the bed. Dean however, let his eyes linger far longer than hers had.

That outfit was the biggest distraction in the moment. He knew this was the exact wrong time to let his mind wander down that road. It was nearly impossible to not let his eyes roam her body. She inflamed his senses, and she wasn't even trying. Was it because she never dressed that way, and it was intriguing to see her in something tight and short? Was it because it had been weeks since they had been together?

When they were last together, his interest in sex was nearly nonexistent. In fact, it wasn't until seeing her now that he even felt something again. It wasn't sexual attraction alone but that was, to his surprise, this was the strongest he'd felt that since his father had died. This time, however, she didn't reciprocate. Of course, she was scared, confused, and exhausted, why would sex be the first thing on her mind?

Now that they were alone, he knew something would happen. Since sex was probably out, it would end up being some kind of protracted conversation. That was what he prepared himself for and, to a certain extent was looking forward to happening. Mae didn't say anything. At all. Instead, she took out her laptop to sit cross legged on the bed.

"It's a bit early for porn, isn't Maes?"

The corner of her mouth quirked up a bit. "I started the day getting tied up after waking up among a shit ton of booze bottles with no memory of where I've been dressed like a slutty farm girl. I'm pretty sure morning porn would be the least weird part of my morning."

Dean let himself laugh, a little more than necessary. He needed to do something more than wait and wonder. "You sure you don't want coffee or something?"

"You don't need to fuss over there Sparky."

"Maybe I want to." He confessed as he made his way back to the table and sat in one of the chairs

Again, she smirked more. "I-it makes me uncomfortable, you know. Like you think something is wrong. And if you think something's wrong..."

"Nothing's wrong."

"Seriously, dude? Pretending it's not wrong doesn't help either." Mae sighed, raking her hands through her hair. "Listen, there's nothing you can do right now, okay?"

"Fair enough. We'll get everything all sorted out. This isn't a big deal Red. I'll be your knight in shining armor here."

She barked out a laugh and rolled her eyes. "Shining armor, sure, Dean."

He meant it and wished she believed him. "Okay well...we'll figure it out. Are you sure you didn't just...blow off some steam here?" He gestured to the discarded bottles of alcohol.

Sam had already asked but maybe she was self-conscious to talk about it with him. She might not be as willing to discuss it with Dean but at least it was slightly less awkward this way.

Running her hand through her hair, she shook her head. "I wish I could tell you. It's possible, as much as anything is possible. It wouldn't be the first time I got smashed off my ass and... hooked up with someone."

"Why do you think you hooked up with someone?"

"I don't. But I thought that's where the clothes might have come from."

"You think you got drunk and hooked up with...Catherine Bach, who then left her clothes here?"

Mae had been pretending to work at her laptop with halfhearted taps and clicks on links that sent her nowhere before she gave up. "I don't know. When I first woke up here, it was an idea that popped into my head. I would not have picked any of this out myself. There's a skirt and leather pants too. I didn't hate the pants but they were too hot."

"I'll bet." he said suggestively, "So... are you like...into chicks all the time, or just when you're drunk?"

"Don't be gross."

"How is it gross to ask if the girl I'm with sleeps with women too?"

Her mouth turned down in a frown. "How exactly am I the girl you're with when we're not actually together?"

"My question first."

"I'm not going to answer that because it's not important right now."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with it. I guess I never thought about you like that." Dean cleared his throat, 'I mean, I thought about you like that but not, you know, more as something I was interested in. If it's something you enjoy..."

"Stop, I get it." Mae sighed, "I like sex with men, okay? You should know. You're one I've particularly enjoyed in the past."

''Good to know."

"Now my question. You think I'm the girl you're with?"

"You're one of the ones I particularly enjoy." Dean grinned.

Mae sighed. She couldn't really blame him for being as evasive as she was. "Yeah okay."

His eyes turned serious. "What do you want me to say here?"

"I don't want you to say anything. At least not anything you don't want to say. Why, what do you want to say?"

They could go around and round, back and forth and if one of them didn't break first, they'd end up fighting. "I'm glad you called."

Mae took a breath. She wasn't going to ask the question, not directly any way. Asking him what their relationship status was any more bluntly than she already had would be too much for her. It wasn't the time or the place. Besides, he was the one who wanted the break, he'd have to be the one to say he wanted her back. Blowing her breath out in a thin stream, she turned back to her laptop.

"Do you have anything else to wear?"

Exasperated, she shot him a dirty look. "Lay off my tits, alright? I recognize that I have them and this is hardly the first time you've seen them so just...chill out because I can't really do much about them. The other top is worse so..."

"That's not-here," He removed and tossed her his flannel shirt. "For the record, I'm a fan of the top. You've got beautiful..." he swallowed, not wanting to just focus on her body. "I just thought maybe you'd be more comfortable but whatever."

The shirt was still warm when she put it on, and it smelled enticingly like him. She closed her eyes as she unconsciously pressed the collar to her lips and breathed in his scent. God, she thought, this was too hard, to have him but not have him, to be near him but not with him. She wanted so deeply to let him wrap his arms around her and enfold her in strength and protection. She wished that act alone would make all of this better.

"Why the hell are we like this?"

He didn't follow. "Excuse me?"

"You and me. I mean...when two people are stupid about each other, they don't act the way we do. They enjoy it, they indulge in it and... all we do is... push and fight it."

Dean knew Mae was right; if they were normal people, with the sort of connection and emotions for each other they had, they would probably have been married years ago and maybe had a kid or two. They would have had a nice, boring life. To his surprise, that thought appealed to something deep in his soul. He didn't want that life now, knew he couldn't have that life, but if things were different, he knew he that's what he would have wanted.

"We didn't exactly grow up like those people. All that other stuff is what normal people do. But normal people have weird secrets and screw up their lives way worse than we do."

"This isn't about hunting. I think...it's about whatever is broken in both of us. It makes us completely unable to be close to each other. I just... I just don't get us sometimes, me included. I know that I'm part of the reason we broke up."

"We didn't break up. I just...I needed some time, and you needed something I couldn't give you. Do you think we're...not together?"

"There's that whole thing where you told me we shouldn't be together right now. If I hadn't called you, would you have called? Would you have tried to see me? Or would you have let all this linger and sour and we wouldn't talk for another three years?"

He frowned, breaking eye contact for a moment. "I... don't know Mae. I'm not doing okay. I don't know how to make it right. I don't feel...right. How can you want to be with me?"

"Because I love you, dummy. That's enough for me. I don't..."

"You don't what?"

Mae shrugged. "I don't know why that's not enough for you."

He looked up at her and then put the blade he was sharpening back down on the table. He was strangely quiet as he stood and started pacing again. It was not a great sign. "It's not that it's not enough. It's not even worrying about it. It's something I can't even describe but there's something bothering me."

"What?"

Dean paused a moment to stand and then walk the short distance between the table and the kitchenette. "You really wanna know?"

"No, I want to keep bickering and feeling like I'm crazy because I'm not feeling whatever you're feeling. It's awesome." Sarcasm dripped from the words.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, his back towards her. "Then I gotta ask you a strange question Maes."

"Well, out with it." She said, setting her computer off to the side, as she braced for the worst.

As it so frequently happened when he was trying to keep it together with her, he couldn't look at her. Everything would come pouring out with one teary eyed look from her. All of the things eating at him for the past few weeks would come out. He just wasn't sure now was the right time to talk about them. It certainly wasn't the right time. But who else would listen? Who else would possibly understand? "After we rescued dad, we realized he'd been possessed, probably since he'd been taken."

Her brow furrowed, not understanding the connection. "Yeah, so you said. That wasn't your fault."

Dean shook his head. "No, this isn't about that, it's about what happened when he had control of dad, he uh, he told me some things. About you, about us…about…"

"About what? Why would anything a demon tell you twist you up. All they do is lie and torture."

"What if the truth is more painful than a lie?"

A frown overtook her delicate features, unable to anticipate what Dean might be about to really ask about. "A painful truth about me a demon told you? That's been keeping you from... form talking to me?"

"Not just that but...I don't know. I can't get this out of my head so..." he swallowed, not ready for the answer one way or another. "Were you ever pregnant? You know, when we were together. The first time, not recently because I'd like to think I would have caught that." He added to clarify his question, so she didn't tell him 'no' outright.

Her nose wrinkled. "Dude, no. That should be obvious, even to you. Why the hell would you take that sort of thing seriously, especially from a demon. And that demon, man, it has a particular grudge against you and me so of course it would try to...hurt you more."

"He told me that he regretted that he wasn't able to..."

"To what?"

"Among other things…to make me—us—watch as he ripped it out of you."

Not seeing his face was a mixed blessing. On one hand, she would hate to see whatever emotions were present in his hypnotic eyes. On the other, she was glad not to have him over analyze any expression on her face. "Is that the way it said it?"

"Yeah, does that matter?"

"Yeah...because the demon is responsible for my getting hurt when I was 16. And...well, I can't have kids. So...maybe I was pregnant then. I guess it's possible."

Dean looked over his shoulder at her. Her voice had taken on a disturbingly quiet tone and the blood had all but left her face, which was enough to give him an answer of sorts. He wanted to hear her say it was impossible or call him stupid or crazy. He wanted her to tell him that having been pregnant was an impossibility. He tried to run through all the possible times when they were together. All the times they had sex, but his dad had packed them up and made them leave. Was it ever long enough for him to not notice that she was pregnant? Or that she was pregnant and then not. He couldn't come up with anything. "So, it's true?"

Shrugging, she looked down at her hands, folded neatly over her lap. "Not like that. But... what I'm saying is maybe I was pregnant. We were never exactly careful, and we did bang every chance we got. I could have gotten pregnant and didn't know. If I knew, I would have told you if I did."

"You weren't late or anything?"

"You need me to remember my periods from 8 years ago. Dean, I ran track in school. I didn't have regular periods. I didn't take a pregnancy test or...there was nothing that made me think 'oh maybe he got me knocked up.' And then I got a damn piece of metal through my middle. As far as I know, I've never been pregnant. I can't tell you the demon is lying to you with absolute certainty, but I don't think it's true."

Dean's eyes narrowed. "What do you know?"

She leaned back. "I don't know anything. Why do you think I know something?"

"Because you would either say you were knocked up or not. But this possible stuff...you must know something."

"I don't know anything." With a sigh, she looked away, "But this isn't the first time I've heard that sort of thing from a demon, from this demon. When my husband was possessed by it...it told me how much it liked knowing that it put an end to any possibility for that and that...well, the rest was basically what you said about what it would have liked to have done to me, you, all that."

Dean gave up on trying to catch her eye and face away again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry, was I supposed to report all threats made my demons to you over the years?" Scoffing, she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the headboard. "You think this is the first demon to threaten to rip something out of me? It's practically boiler plate."

"It felt really specific."

"Well, that's the point, isn't it? But I've thought about the possibilities, the timeline...it could have happened, and it was just so early that I wouldn't have been able to tell. I wasn't able to tell if was. So..."

"What if you had known?"

"I don't know,"

"You haven't thought about it?"

"No. Dean, I let go of the idea that kids would be a part of my life long before it was a physical impossibility. You're wistful for the teen pregnancy we missed out on now?

A small, sad smile passed over his lips. "I don't know. Not logically, you know? Us having a kid would be a really bad idea, right? Especially then. But...I guess I'm thinking."

"That sounds dangerous." She teased. "That's what's been worrying you. It's a bit far fetched, isn't it?"

"It's just...with dad gone...I don't know how to do this. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep..." The words caught in his throat, tears threatening to spill from the edges of his eyes.

Seeing him struggle to deal with his emotions, some of her frustration with him dissolved. Moving, Mae sat on her knees behind him and wrapping her arm around his neck. She pressed a kiss to the back of his head. Nothing she could think of to say would make any difference, would or could make him feel better. All she could offer was the small gesture.

"I'm sorry. I know this is so hard."

"I don't think I can...do this."

"You don't have to." she said gently.

He laughed a little but placed his hand over one of hers. "I can't let him down. Not after everything he did."

Mae contemplated telling him what she knew, what she suspected. She didn't, she couldn't. She needed to know for sure before blurting something out that she was still trying to piece together herself. It was too soon as they had lost John and wouldn't benefit Dean right now, she decided.

"He wanted you to be happy. You know that."

"Did you just meet him? That was never-don't get me wrong, he did his best, but his best was sometimes..."

"Yeah. I know. But...he changed a bit recently. He was more...tolerant maybe. He was, I don't know, remorseful of the way things went down, how you and Sam spent your lives. I think if you wanted to stop doing this, he'd understand."

"Even if he did, which he wouldn't, I can't. Not while that demon is still alive. Maybe if we killed it. But what the hell would I do Mae? I'm not...I'm good at this."

"I guess I'm the one that wants you to be happy."

He squeezed her hand then brought it up to his lips, pressing a kiss to her soft skin. "You think I would be happy giving all this up?"

"I'm not asking that. I don't know what would make you happy, obviously. I'll just support whatever that may be. Even if it's not with me."

"Jesus Mae, you know it's not you I don't want to be with. I want to be with you, I never want to not be-" He swallowed the words, not quite ready to say that much out loud, "I want to be with you. I just don't know how to do it in a way that doesn't make you crazy. I don't know how to do that. I'm not going to force you to be with me when you think I'm not giving you what you want, just because you make me feel..." He took a sharp breath.

"How do I make you feel?" She asked against his ear.

He breathed a sigh of relief, resting into her embrace a little. "Better. You make me feel better. You make me feel like maybe I'm not...what I am."

She pressed her lips against his head again. "Some of the ways you make me crazy are fun. I just need you to trust me."

"I do. I trust you more than just about anyone. I trust you as much as Sam and Dad. But if I lost you too...and I know it's stupid to feel like this, given what we do. I can't stop feeling the way I feel."

"Well, I'd love to rub it in your face about how I'm just fine on my own but this whole thing makes it ring a little untrue."

"This is different."

They fell quiet. After several minutes, her weight sagged into him more and the arms around him loosened more. "Mae?"

"Hmm...?"

"Are you falling asleep on me?"

"I'm just so tired. You know how it is when we're together."

Dean kissed her hand again. "Take a nap then."

"No. I can't. Sam's coming back soon. And... I'm too afraid to sleep."

"You're not alone now. I promise I'll keep you right here. I won't leave your side so you're safe to sleep for a little while."