The peaceful, easy state of her breath now was enviable. Her body was relaxed against his in a way that was too tempting. Dean couldn't stay in bed with her like this; in short order, he'd be asleep too. Even now, he felt that siren lure she possessed calling for him to wrap his arms around her and close his eyes. He stroked her hair, hoping she could get at least a few hours of uneventful sleep. If she could, that gave them more time to figure this out. There had to be something they overlooked.
Taking care not to disturb Mae, he eased out from the bed and then resettled her on the pillow. Inclined to tiptoe, he left his boots off, as he grabbed her notebook and laptop. Over the past few months, understanding her shorthand had become easier. Perhaps he should have checked with her first before reading her private notes, though he didn't think she kept her innermost thoughts.
Reading another hunters thoughts and research was still strangely intimate, even Mae's. That was what they were, weren't they? Dean was coming to associate intimacy with her as more than just the physical kind. With Mae, for reasons he couldn't even begin to identify, the other kinds came almost as easily. It was uncomfortable but it came without having to try. So why, he wondered, didn't it feel so easy now? He felt like he was watching every gesture and motion for what it might imply. He stood, watching her sleep awhile longer, before taking a seat next to her on the bed. He propped himself up against the headboard and stretched his long legs out. Setting the laptop on his thighs, Dean started digging into where Mae could have been, what she could have done.
Only so much could be done from the relative safety of the room. He wanted to do more than watcher her. He needed to be active in helping her, in saving her. He knew he would eventually go stir crazy if all he could do for her was wait and watch. But there was nothing to do yet, not while Sam was out and not while Mae was still in danger. He could have taken her with him, he supposed, but that left her vulnerable and not knowing what was after her or impacting her, there were too many variables in that proposition. It might also be a detriment to have her at his side because if she had done something good, bad, or indifferent, she'd be noticed.
In Dean's opinion, Mae stood out. She was tall, slim but well-muscled, and attractive. In the outfits she'd been wearing, her collection of tattoos would not have stayed hidden. He would have given her more than a second glance. She had a certain edge to her that even when she was pretending to be someone else, she couldn't completely hide. She was hot. He liked it; that edge was honest and real. That edge made her sweetness even more apparent. He shook his head.
An unexpected thread of jealousy slipped through his mind at the thought of another man looking at her the same way he would. Or worse yet, touching her the way he would. He knew she'd chide him about it and perhaps he deserved it. They hadn't discussed seeing other people, sleeping with other people really. There wasn't anyone else he wanted to be with in any long-term sense. It was a break. That's all he asked for. He would find his balance again and he hoped to be lucky enough for her to still want to be with her. But he never told her that. Maybe she didn't know. Maybe he had lost his chance.
Looking down at her sleeping form, his heart tightened. Mae was an anomaly in his life; he'd never wanted to be with a woman the way he wanted to be with her. He'd almost never known a woman he'd been comfortable enough with to be as honest as he was with her. It was hard to undo all his defense mechanisms to be that way with her now. Dean sighed, "Of all the things we're good at together, this whole relationship thin isn't one of them, is it Red?"
He didn't expect an answer, didn't want one since she was finally sleeping. He planned to let her sleep. Any kind of rest would make her less frazzled. A thought and concern came to him as he watched her. Mae didn't seem possessed but maybe she was fighting it. Last time, in Idaho, she'd let herself get possess to draw the feuding demonic spirits. The spell had impacted them both, but she hadn't been possessed until she had permitted it. Maybe it was the protective charms she wore, maybe it was the tattoo she wore. He didn't know enough about either to say for sure what defensive magic had been woven into either. Cautiously, he leaned forward to slide the comforter of her frame. He raised the hem of the shirt she wore to see if it the yantra looked the way it had as they dealt with the spell and spirit demons. It looked normal, just the intricate pattern in its normal earthy brownish-red color, like henna but permanent. His fingers traced over the lines and her lower back to see if it felt hot, like last time. All he felt was her warm, soft flesh. Impossibly soft for a hunter, he thought.
"Oh, c'mon, man." He groaned slightly, casting an exasperated glance towards the ceiling before his eyes fell to his lap as he felt the rush of blood to his southern regions, "this is when you want to make your opinion known?"
Arousal, particularly for Mae, wasn't unwelcome but it was unexpected. It was the first time since his father had passed that he'd felt anything close to normal when it came to women. Desire had never been an issue with Mae. If they didn't have to figure out what was happening with her, we would have taken this as a sign they should be together. If he didn't get in the way, almost everything worked with her. He took his hand off her back, covered her back up, and pulled the blanket over her again. With a sigh, he tried to think of anything else to take his mind off the woman, the feel of her skin, or his feelings for her. He only spent a few more minutes trying to go over her notes or track her down. His focus was too scattered.
Instead, he finished inspecting, cleaning, and packing up her gear. If she got territorial over it, he could deal with that better than the restless energy he now had. He was grateful to have Sam in tow because he wasn't sure that he was fully equipped to help Mae. He could take care of her but actually being able to figure out what was going on was out of his grasp currently while he tried to do that. Occasionally, he would cast a glance over to her still sleeping form, just to confirm she hadn't been disturbed by any of the slight noises he made in his efforts to keep busy but quiet. The pair stayed that way, Dean doing busy work and Mae napping until Sam returned.
Sam was bursting with an almost giddy energy as he dumped his notes and papers on the table, waking Mae. Once she was fully awake and everyone had a fresh cup of coffee in hand, Sam got down to business. "Okay, check this out. There's nothing here that seems out of sorts or weird. It might be the most boring town we've ever been in." Sam offered a small smile, which Mae tried to return but her thoughts churned far too much wondering what he might say next, "but about 70 miles west of here in St. George, Utah, I found two guys in the hospital. Both in their 30s, both who seem like they're in their 80s now."
"So that's where we go." Dean concluded.
They didn't rush to get on the road but thanks to Dean's nearly domestic actions earlier made it simple to pack up the rest of Mae's things. After all, aside from her gear, she didn't have clothing or many personal items. Dean lent her his sweatpants since she was painfully uncomfortable in the clothes she had left. Sam led the way in their car. Mae didn't grouse about someone else driving her car and that worried Dean. Normally, she would have. At the very least, she would have insisted on driving herself but as they cleaned up the motel room and packed everything up, she became increasingly withdrawn.
"You remember anything about St. George?"
Mae didn't turn her head or make any effort to take her eyes off the landscape passing by. "No. I don't remember anything. If I did, I would have told you."
"Hey, I'm just trying to help here."
She sighed. "This is all my fault, you know? And I have no idea what happened so I can't even fix it. I don't know what I did."
"It's not your fault. You just...maybe you were there but it's not like you did this on purpose. You might not have done anything at all."
"I guess." she didn't want to fight even though she knew he was wrong. She didn't want to dwell on what might have happened. she wanted to think more like Dean. He couldn't entirely buy his own line of thinking though. They both knew better than that.
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, eyes narrowed as he tried to come up with the next steps. "Well, maybe it's over, you know? Maybe you just blacked out for a few days, and nothing will come of it."
Mae nearly laughed at his hopeful assumption, and she offered him a look with a keenly arched brow. "Okay, Pollyanna, well even if that's true, even if I don't wake up six days from now with no memories, I still need to know what's happened. I just have a bad feeling about it. So, if you won't want to help me piece things together, you're free to leave."
"C'mon, we're in this together now. I wasn't saying that I didn't want to help. I'm stumped too Red. You didn't leave much of a trail and I don't know that your bad feeling helps us out that much. We're trying to solve a case that doesn't have any easy clues. But we'll figure it out."
"I'm just not hopeful enough to think this was a one-time thing. I don't feel like myself. I can tell you that right now, I'm totally in control of me but at some point, I wasn't. I don't know if something will make that happen again or when it might happen." She shook her head. "I wish there was something I could do to push those memories back into my head. I don't remember anything and... if Sam is right about the one lead we have, then it seems like I fucked up on my last job and now...I'm the reason more people are dying."
Dean would have disputed the claim, not because it didn't appear like she was involved but because it wasn't her fault. He knew her well enough to know it would any point he might make about her role would be ignored. The yawn that escaped her mouth then made her seem impossibly small and much younger than she was. "Maybe try to sleep a little more. We've got about an hour before we're anywhere."
"No. I'm fine. Maybe some more coffee. Or a fist full of Adderall."
He cleared his throat. "We're all going to need to sleep sometime," He said, in far too fatherly a tone for her liking.
"Let's hope we solve this first. That's my plan anyway."
Dean met her half way on her request for coffee and Adderall; the drive to Utah was uneventful but when they reached the next motel, he made sure she was fill up with what might have been an unhealthy amount of caffeine. Again, she didn't protest when he paid for a room and only got them the single room. He was prepared to defend the decision, but she didn't even ask. Usually, she had her own room but perhaps she was worried enough that she felt safer with them than on her own, he thought.
It was early in the afternoon and there was still time to get started. He changed into a suit. As much as he loathed the thing, they did lend them a more professional air. Since he decided to take a law enforcement approach to looking into the possible cases Sam had found, it seemed like the best idea. Going by himself would also let him focus more on the job and less on Mae. Right now, she was a distraction, as were his feeling for her.
Even though Mae felt all of this was her fault, Dean was convinced it was his. At least part of it was. If they had all just stayed together, if he had listened to her not his fear, maybe she wouldn't be in this state. If he had been able to think more about her feelings, maybe they could have come to a better compromise that didn't leave either of them out on their own. Worrying about Mae helped distract him from his feelings about losing his father. At the same time, she made the pain less. He had no idea how he was supposed to make sense of those two ideas.
Mae felt like she was being passed off between the brothers but was glad not to be alone. It was possible that Dean was right, and the worst was over. It was possible but not probable. The change in location could have helped. Having the boys with her now could have stopped things. She didn't know and without more of a sign of what was happening or something happening to her, they might never know. But she was glad to have Sam and Dean with her now.
She wouldn't mind being left with Sam if it didn't mean that she was left missing Dean. As much as he could annoy her, anger her, or hurt her, he was able to comfort, soothe, and draw out a part of her heart she'd convinced herself was dead. When she was around him, she didn't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. No matter what had happened to or between them, she was inexplicably drawn to him. He didn't even realize he was doing it. Most of the time, he seemed to think he was incapable of any of that. All she wanted was to feel that lightness she felt most of the time with him. It should have been easy.
"Are the two of you okay?" Sam's voice interrupted her thoughts as she took a seat across from him at the small, round kitchen table that occupied the kitchen area of this motel room.
The question took her aback. Sam usually tried to mind his own business when it came to his brother's romantic life. The boys were fiercely protective of each other, and she knew she was as much a threat to Dean's happiness as she was a blessing. She was certain she heard a mild warning against playing games with Dean when Sam spoke. But maybe she was reading into the question. His eyes were full of concern.
"I don't know, man. I... I'm guess he's talk to you about this more than he's talked to me."
"No. He just said you wouldn't want to see him anymore."
Mae scoffed. "That's not exactly accurate. I'm not the one putting the brakes on this time. I know how...I mean, even under ideal circumstances, Dean was going to get hit hard by your dad dying. This is...something else. I'm trying to give him space since it was either that or just sit around waiting for him. Even with the last few days, I'd rather be doing something than just waiting for him to decide I'm worth it on his schedule. Has-never mind." She shook her head as she stared at her coffee cup.
"What?"
She wrestled with the question in her mind before she just went ahead with it. The worse that would come of it was Sam trying to hem and haw his way through a non-answer. "Has he said anything more to you? About me or your dad? Or anything really?"
"No but...I'm not sure that he would talk to me about anything right now. Not after dad. I don't think he knows how to deal with it. I know he doesn't know how to deal with it. He really hasn't been himself."
"Yeah." She had guessed as much, "How are you holding up?"
Sam shrugged, feeling oddly embarrassed when she turned the conversation back to him. "Oh, you know."
"Dude, you're allowed to talk about it too. He wasn't my dad but, he did a fair share of raising me and I certainly understand having a complicated relationship with the man."
Sam snorted a short laugh. "I suppose that's true. I just don't know exactly how to answer that question. It's...there's still a part that hasn't sunk in. Like, like it would be just like dad to have figured out a way to come back from the dead or something and chew us out about how we should have known how to stop him from dying. There's a part of me that's half expecting him to call or walk through the door or... but the other part knows that won't happen. I thought there was always a chance that maybe we could make it better at some point. Or that it wouldn't matter."
"But it does."
"Yeah. So now the only thing I can do is make sure that no one else has to go through what we went through. It's what he'd want, and I guess it's what I need now."
To his surprise, Mae chuckled. "No going back to the real world?"
"Not now. Not until...I don't know what. Maybe never."
"But maybe something will change in the future."
"What, you're trying to talk me out of the life?"
She shook her head. "Hunt. Don't hunt. Just do either for the right reason."
The room grew quiet, and Sam started to put together his next set of leads to follow up on once Dean returned from talking with the local law enforcement. He knew his brother could handle that task but worried he might be too aggressive, too dismissive without him. But for the time being, they needed to take these things on separately, until they understood how much danger Mae was to herself or others. This would have been much easier if all three of them could be out working to put the case together.
"Can I ask you something weird?"
His brow arched and he couldn't even predict where she might be heading with this one but assumed it was about what he'd come up with so far. The two of them hadn't had much time to talk about it. "I guess."
"Don't worry, it's not really personal or anything. I just...do you think it's totally stupid, me and Dean. Not personally, but even trying for something like a relationship. Hell, I don't know that I want a relationship but...well, I like being with him. If he were someone else, yeah, I wouldn't but...here we are. Given everything thing stacked up against us and what we do, is it just foolish to think it's anything but...more thing that will get ruined?
Sam frowned. "I don't know. Honestly, it would be easier to go your separate ways. Cleaner, you know? At least when it comes to how these demons might use us against each other. You'd both get rid of a lot of hassle and annoyances if you just called things off completely. But... we're also a good team, all of us and maybe we stand a better chance that way. If you're asking me if I think you and Dean should keep trying, at the risk of walking in on the two of you being gross, yeah. I've told Dean this before but if I had someone who I could...well, I wouldn't give that up just because of the risks. Why are you asking now?"
"Dean is having second thoughts."
"Are you?"
"Mostly not. but I'm not going to case after someone who doesn't want to be with me."
"He does, trust me." Sam cleared his throat, "Dean's never lost anyone close to him, you know? Aside from Mom but that was so long ago. He's crazy about you and he wants to keep you safe. I think he's coming around on the idea that his initial plan to do that has some flaws."
Mae smirked. It has been a long time since she could say she'd anyone she could talk to about her problems. Sure, Sam was always going to be a difficult confident because he was always going to be Dean's first. For the last few years, her problems had been singular in focus so having 'boy problems' was not something she was well versed in addressing. She let out a long sigh. "I've never met a hunter who's had a real relationship, for more than a night."
He laughed. "Me either. Maybe you and Dean could be trailblazers. Besides, I like you a lot more than any girl Dean's ever hooked up with."
"Sweet talker." She teased but still smirked. "So, have you found anything interesting?"
"Aside from the two guys who meet the pattern of your last case. I want to look at other cities between there and here but-"
"Any guy who got old'ed to death would have to have made the paper or died because we can't easily get their medical records without at least a little more to go on and there's no good trail on me." she finished.
Sam scrubbed his face a moment. "Yeah, exactly Maybe it's a good thing you were quiet on your way out here."
"I can't imagine it was. But it looks like I must have missed a kitsune. I know I killed one but maybe there were two the whole time. A pair or maybe more. That complicates things."
"If you're right, maybe but wouldn't we just track it down and kill the second one?"
Sam could have timed to the minute when she'd get up to start pacing as she thought. "Maybe. But we also followed what we thought was my trail. It's possible we left that thing an hour behind us. Why come back to the scene of its crime?"
"Maybe it wasn't done. Maybe it never followed you to Fredonia."
"I just trashed the room myself?"
Frowning, Sam searched for something in his knowledge that could contradict her. "You weren't possessed."
"When you got there, I wasn't. I might have been at other points during this game. I don't know that I was. I'm not now. But something is happening to me. Kitsune are notoriously vengeful. If I took a kitsune's partner or family...well, the remaining ones will work to make my life hell."
"Maybe. But if you're right, it doesn't change what we have to do. We find it and stop it."
