A/N: This is a filler chapter, nothing of importance happens. It's basically just a reference to the show and weird dreams I've had. It's only referenced in passing later but serves no purpose to the plot.
"Hey, are you alright?"
"Uuuhh…"
"Private, wake up."
"Owww…"
"It's going to be okay, don't move too quickly."
"Where am I?"
"You're inside our HQ. You took a nasty fall there."
Private opened his eyes slowly and blinked as they adjusted to the light. A blurry shape was looking down at him. His jaw dropped when the figure came into focus.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you." he told the penguin. "Kowalski, why is there a penguin in here?" He looked around, but Kowalski was nowhere in sight.
"Are you alright?"
Private's eyes widened. "D-did you just speak?" he asked the penguin.
"Yes, why?" the penguin said.
"B-because you…you're a penguin! Penguins can't speak!"
"Maybe not to humans, but we can communicate with each other and other animals."
"We? I must be hallucinating…I'm sorry to contradict you, but I'm a human."
"I'm sorry to contradict you, but you're not." The penguin said.
Private looked around again. He realized that this was not the base that Johnny Bone had showed them so long ago. It had four small bunks and a small round hatch at the top. There was a mirror close by.
"What happened to the base?"
"If you're talking about the burn marks, they are due to a Kowalski experiment." Skipper's voice came from behind.
Private whipped around and saw two more penguins. One had a flatter head and the other had a Mohawk and a scar. He realized that he was shorter than all of the penguins.
"Why do you have Skipper's voice?" Private asked.
"Because, I am Skipper." The shorter one replied. "Do you remember us? Do you know your own name?"
"Andre Davis. You gave me the name Private and then we were recruited by Johnny Bone and given our own base in New York so we could stay at Central Park High School and the apartments."
"Rico, personnel files." Skipper said, he flashed a worried look at Private.
Rico shook for a moment, then with a great heave, threw up a folder. Private looked in shock.
"N-normal penguins don't do that. KENNY! BARRY! ANYONE?! I'M GOING CRAZY!" he shouted, waving his hands. He gasped, he no longer had hands. "F-flippers?" He ran to the mirror and almost screamed. "W-what the?"
"Who are Kenny and Barry?" Skipper asked. "By the way, your name is not Andre or Davis. And there's no one named Johnny Bone."
"Barry might be the poison dart frog." Kowalski said. "Is your Barry possibly red-headed and have green eyes and a fondness for the color purple?"
"Yes." Private said. "He has light brown hair that kind of looks like he could be a ginger. He has orange and purple shoes and…"
A distant memory brought Barry's voice with it. "If I was a poison dart frog, you would be frozen stunned and I would eat your brain which is made of dead flies."
He had said that as a retort to something a classmate had said.
"Ramona…Allie…"
"Ramona? Eggy's sister?" Kowalski asked. "Are you thinking about the ducklings?"
"Ducklings?"
Ramona's voice came. "I'd be a duckling. Because they're so cute and yellow, I like yellow and I love swimming."
They had played a game so long ago. Allie had been too busy to join them.
"K-Kenny. He has to be here, right? He's your brother after all." He looked at Kowalski.
"Uh, I think my parents would have told me if I had a brother." Kowalski said. "Well, I haven't seen them in a while so who knows?"
"I do! Your mum died a long time ago and your dad doesn't talk about her."
"No, I'm pretty sure my mother is alive. And my dad always talked about her while he taught me to ice fish…it was a bit gross when he got to the mushy parts though…"
"Where's Allie?"
"Do we know anyone named Allie?"
Skipper shrugged. "We know Alice, but that's the closest we can come to an answer."
"What about everyone at school? Nat, Izzy, Julien, Maurice, Mort, Marlene, Leonard, Manfredi, Johnson and so many more." Private nearly whimpered.
"Hate to break it to you, but Manfredi and Johnson are no longer with us." Kowalski said.
"And Ringtail and his followers are still here as is Marlene."
"I have no idea who Nat or Izzy are and I'm pretty sure Leonard doesn't want anything to do with us."
"What about Hans? And Blowhole? Blowhole's still a danger and if we're penguins-"
"Slow down, Private! Blowhole's not a threat at the moment. He lost his memory. As for Hans, he's been taken care of."
"What about Rikki?" He looked at Rico. "Your sister, Rikki. She's blind and you guys come from a poor background."
Rico looked confused.
"What the heck is going on around here?" Private asked. The other penguins came closer, but he backed away. He turned and climbed up the ladder as fast as he could. He gasped again. He was in some sort of enclosure with water around him.
"Hey, come join my party!" A lemur shouted over to him.
"Julien? Do you know where Ramona, Barry, and Kenny are?"
"Eh, I am not knowing this Kenny, but the little ducklings are over there for a zoo visit." He pointed to the zoo gates.
Private took a deep breath and jumped. He managed to steady himself on the fence for a moment before flipping over it. He ran to the ducklings.
"Hi." He said to the mother duck. "May I borrow Ramona for a moment?"
"Sure, Eggy just went to have a dance party so that leaves me with these two. Have fun, sweetie." She said.
The duckling smiled.
"Where are we going, Private?" Ramona asked.
"Don't tell your mother I did this."
"The reptile house?" Ramona said in awe.
Private nodded. The two of them found the frogs.
"Barry?" He wondered as he stopped in front of an orange and purple frog.
"Yes?" Barry asked.
"There's something weird going on, but first I need to ask, do you know Kenny and Allie?"
"No." Barry and Ramona said simultaneously. Barry grinned at her.
"Barry, do you remember ever teasing Ramona about being your future wife?"
"Ew, no!" The frog winced. "I'm way older than her."
"That would be awkward."
Private scratched his head. "What would you say if I told you we're really humans? Ramona's actually a year older than us and we're-"
"Stop." Barry said. "You're scaring her."
Ramona had backed away. "You know, visiting other animals is nice and all, but I got to go."
"But-"
"Get some sleep, okay?"
"Okay…" he watched as Ramona exited.
"I'm sorry, Barry, but-" he turned to find Barry gone.
"You had a nasty fall and need medical attention." Barry called from somewhere inside his habitat.
Private sighed dejectedly and left the reptile house. "I'm a good person." He said out loud. "What have I done to deserve this? Did I forget my manners or something? What's happening?"
"There you are!" Skipper said, jumping in front of Private. Private was startled for a moment, but went back to staring at the ground as the others came.
"We did discover that Rico has an older half brother somewhere in Antarctica. And apparently I have a new baby sister." Kowalski said. "But Skipper doesn't have any siblings at all."
"Congratulations on the baby, but I need help." Private said. "Whoever I am, I don't belong here. It's possible I got switched with another person or animal named Private, but I'm not the Private who belongs here."
"Are you sure?" Skipper asked.
"Yes, I'm a human boy. I was running from something, looked back and hit something, and then I woke up here."
"Hmm, our Private was exiting from a snack run and hit his head on the windowsill." Kowalski said.
"I think I was running from someone, but I wasn't in real danger…wait, what's a snack run?"
"Never mind about that, why would you run if you weren't in danger?" Skipper asked.
"I slipped on…something…something wet…" Private scratched his head and whipped his flipper away. His head was hurt.
"Kowalski, how do we solve this and get our Private back?" Skipper asked.
"I suppose we have to try to go to the exact location he lost consciousness." Kowalski said. "After that, we try to get him to remember something."
"Sounds like a plan. Rico, get the car." Skipper said.
Private looked confused. "Er, penguins can't drive. Actually, Rico's going to try to get his license in the summer, but the rest of us can't drive."
"You do not know us, my friend." Skipper said with a smile. "I don't take no for an answer. There are no 'can't dos' or 'impossible' in my book. You know why?" Private shook his head. "I invented the word impossible!"
"Show off." Kowalski muttered.
"Yeah, but it's okay if I show off." Skipper countered.
Kowalski sighed in defeat.
The three of them found Rico with a pink car. Private blinked.
"I thought it would be…less flowery." Private said.
"Really? You're the one who insisted it be friendly looking." Kowalski said. "Or, at least the other Private did…that's confusing…anyway, where were you?"
"I was at Allie's house." Private said, a memory came to him. "It was Barry's birthday and she lives the closest so we went to her house…she lives a block away from the school. It's literally a short walk from the apartments to her new house."
"What apartments?" Kowalski asked, pulling out a map.
Private blinked. He saw Central Park and the zoo, but he didn't see the school. He pointed to an area above the park. "The apartments are supposed to be there." He said. "And Allie lives…around here." He pointed to a spot nearby it.
"Alright, let's go! Skipper said.
The penguins rode the car to the approximate location that Private had pointed out. Rico hid the car in the bushes.
There were a couple of houses, but none of them looked like Allie's house.
Private got out and approached the streetlamp. A flash of pain came across his forehead.
"I think I hit my head on this pole." He said.
"Hmm…" Kowalski wrote something down on a clipboard.
They heard the front door open.
"Evasive!" Skipper shouted. The four of them slipped into hiding spot.
A small girl came out, pulling her parents.
"Come on, I wanna go to the zoo!" She screamed.
"Alright, sweetie." Her mother said. "But first we have to make a pit stop."
"NO! I DON'T WANNA! I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO!"
"But we've got to drop off Grandma's present." Her father said.
"I DON'T CARE! I'M MORE IMPORTANT!" The girl glared at her parents and stomped her foot down.
"Sweetie, please be reasonable, we-"
"TAKE ME TO THE ZOO RIGHT NOW!" The girl screamed, flopping down onto the pavement where she began to have a meltdown.
Private's beak dropped. This girl was so not Allie.
"Leila, please." Her father said nervously. He looked around, hoping there weren't any people nearby.
"TAKE ME TO THE ZOO! TAKE ME TO THE ZOO! TAKE ME TO THE ZOO!"
Private pressed his flippers to his ear holes.
"I can't take this anymore." He groaned, a headache developing.
"You can't?" Kowalski asked in an odd voice.
Private looked around, the scene was swirling as if it was being flushed down a toilet. The penguins had turned back into humans.
"Maybe you can't be part of a team." Skipper said.
Rico threw a bomb at him.
Skipper laughed as the bomb exploded. The scene was covered in a haze of swirling smoke.
"Private? Oh Private, we will destroy you and your stupid team." An eerie voice whispered. "I will start by tearing your friends away from you."
"NOT THE FEET!"
Private couldn't see, he ran blindly as he tried to figure out what was going on.
"I want the feet! Gimme your feet, penguin!"
"QUICK! Call the Penguins!"
"What?" Private asked.
"Nah, they're too stupid. Let's call the Teen Titans."
"Good idea! Can we name a character after Rav-"
"NO! YOU MUST BE DESTROYED NOW!"
"HEEEELLLLPPPP!"
"It's going to be a lovely sixty-two degrees, cloudy skies and a chance of death- I mean snow! Hehe, I meant snow."
His head pounded with pain as he ran. Then, quite suddenly, he was looking at the movie version of Hermione from Harry Potter.
"Hi Harry!" She said to him.
"I'm not Harry!" Private said. "He's a fictional cha-"
Then, Professor McGonagall showed up. She had cat ears and a tail.
"What the-?"
"Fifty points from Jigglypuff!"
"What? That's not fair!" Hermione pouted.
"What did you say to me?" The teacher suddenly turned into a red skeleton with flaming eye sockets.
"RUN, HARRY!" Hermione screamed, now sounding like Ramona.
"I'M RUNNING, HERMIONE!" Private screamed, not bothering to correct his name.
They ran and ran, never stopping. They looked at each other and gasped when they realized they were old, wrinkled, and bearded. Yes, Hermione had grown a beard. Private blinked.
"KEEP RUNNING, FORRE- I MEAN HARRY!"
"I'M STILL RUNNING, HERMIONE!" Private yelled. "AND MY NAME IS PRIVATE!"
The next time they looked at each other, Private screamed. They were now skeletons.
"Happy Halloween…MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" A giant pizza loomed over them with pointy teeth. It threw the teeth at them.
Private swiveled around to see a mirror. He looked in the mirror.
"I have a nice mustache." He commented.
"I know." The mirror said. "NOW GIVE IT HERE!"
Private screamed and ran away.
"There's no food like ham, there's no food like ham, there's no- I think I'm saying it wrong." Private said. He suddenly realized that his legs were running away from him.
"Wait, come back! I need you!" He shouted. "Nooooooo!"
"HELP!" Julien screamed, he was being pelted with crackers by a giant tooth.
"Happy tooth day!" Mort cheered.
"GET OFF MY COUCH!"
Private saw a couch on fire.
"Hey Private."
Private winced and turned to see Kenny. Kenny was surprisingly the most normal thing he saw.
"Why did you break up with Barry?" He asked.
"He stole my lawnmower and stuffed my teddy bear with cheese!"
"Good reason. Can I tell you a secret?" Kenny came closer.
"What is it?" Private asked.
"The hamster…" He whispered. "It's after my blood."
"Really?"
"Yup! Oh, I'm also a werewolf…oh wait, that was import-AWOOOO!" He suddenly transformed into a werewolf.
"Private, I am deeply in love with you." Ramona said as she appeared out of thin air. "But we cannot be together, my fair Romeo."
"Oh my fair Juliet, why the heck not?" Private asked.
"Because your legs are missing and you dumped my cousin." Ramona said.
"But she wasn't meant for me, and she smells really bad…and she ate my flying bison!"
"You don't have a flying bison, you liar!"
"Oi!"
Private turned around to see Barry.
"Barry! Thank goodness, I need your help."
"Ramona! How dare you steal my love!"
Kenny the werewolf swallowed Ramona and Barry in one bite.
Private's jaw dropped. Literally, it dropped down to the ground. Rico appeared and dragged a circus into Private's mouth.
He then began coughing. He was choking on the circus.
"Circus Afro!" Rico yelled, throwing a rainbow afro at him.
…
His eyes snapped open; a cold sweat covered his body. He blinked as he saw Kowalski standing over him with a water bottle.
He rubbed his eyes. He was normal again. He was lying on the guest room bed at Allie's house.
"W-what happened?"
"You hit your head on a pole and passed out." Kowalski answered. "Rocky drove me here."
Private groaned. "I had the oddest dream…"
He began to explain to Kowalski what happened. At the end of the tale, the older boy looked amused.
"You should write it down. It would make a great story someday." Kowalski said.
Private chuckled. "Yeah, or a chapter of a fan fiction that feels more like a filler chapter…"
A/N: The whole thing with Harry, Hermione, and McGonagall is a dramatized version of a dream I had a long time ago. I dreamed that I was Harry and McGonagall was mad at me and Hermione and she became a skeleton. The dialogue was originally: 'Keep running, Hermione!' 'I'm running, Harry!' In that dream, McGonagall had already gotten Ron….
I'm pretty sure it's an unspoken rule that you can't name a character Raven unless they're Raven from Teen Titans, or That's so Raven…or unless it's the actual bird.
Would you break up with Barry because he stole your lawnmower and stuffed your teddy bear with cheese?
Happy tooth day belongs to Veggietales
In case you didn't know Celia is an anagram of Alice (I did mention that in the story, were you not paying attention?)
And Leila is an anagram of Allie. Allie wouldn't act that way though.
Allie: What was that anyway?! That girl was bratty!
Barry: Filler? What is the chapter filled with, jelly?
Private: Yum! I forgive you for stealing my lawnmower.
Barry: XD
Private: See you next chapter!
