"I have a new training planned for today, something that is prevalent in many missions, yet is rarely gone over. The spare." Maverick introduced their topic for the day.

Many intrigued looks crossed the faces of the aviators. Hangman, looked down for a split second before flashing his cocky grin on his face.

"In the two of the most insane missions of my career, both of them were highly dependent on the spare. It happened in other cases, but these two stand out. The most recent one being the Uranium mission. You are all aware of the part the spare played."

"This is still your savior speaking." Hangman snarked out, a cocky look on his face.

The aviators rolled their eyes as Maverick continued.

"However, the other mission was my first after Top Gun. I was the spare, the other plane with Ice and Slider had been forced to eject. So, they sent me. The difference between being on the mission from launch and being the spare is time. When you are start from launch you are already with your squadron, you will arrive at the same time and see what they see. As the spare, time is against you as you race to get to them. You are pushing to get there as fast as you can while also taking in all the information you have yet to see but can hear over coms. Time is everything for the spare."

A grim look was on many of their faces, thinking of how close they came.

Hangman never flinched, keeping his impressed look on his face. Everyone knew, that he knew he was good, and he proved it then.

"As such, we will be launching hops today, you will each take turns as the spare, however you don't know when you will be the one launched. I will be relaying instructions to the other pilots on the scenarios and how to play them out. As the spare you will be waiting until you are ordered to get there and take in the scenario at hand. Those not in the sky will be potential spares, you never know when it will be you."

Maverick nodded,

"Alright, everyone get into your flight suits and meet me on the tarmac."

Jake knew he was good, he was too good to be true.

And that was the truest statement he ever said. He was too good to be true.

"This one oughta be easy for you, huh Hangman. Gonna show us up with your skills as a spare." Halo teased.

"You know it, I've already proven my abilities as a spare. As we all know, I am good-"

"Too good to be true, careful Hangman, you are becoming predictable." Rooster teased.

"Please, you never know what I going to do next, unless of course it's to do with success."

"I don't know, you were predictable enough to where you earned your call sign."

"Not on the last mission, I have to mix it up once and while, other wise you would all get bored."

"Did you mix it up, or was that just luck?" Phoenix smirked.

The whole squadron was a lot closer after the mission, but they still thrived on teasing one another. If they weren't messing with each other, were they really themselves.

"Careful Phe, one day you may need your savior speaking in your ear."

"Thanks for the promotion Hangman." Bob smiled.

"Bobs proven he has my back Seresin, have you?"

They had teased one another about this for years, but something felt different to Jake this time.

Maverick knew he needed to test something, and he needed it to be done during training, not during a mission. The uranium mission was like no other and it would have an effect one those who flew it. It would have an effect even on those who didn't fly it, but trained for it.

He began sending them up a few at time, having them relay the information as the attackers came into play, before declaring a spare to come in.

It played out fairly smoothly, with each spare racing to them and coming in to assist. Each time being questioned on what they should expect as they approached.

Everything was fine, until it came time for the one Maverick was worried about.

"Phoenix, Bob, and Rooster, you head up." Maverick ordered. "I want you to simulate the mission, 1 on 1 dogfight."

They replied an affirmative in their comms.

"Phoenix, you will be the bogey. I want you to try and take down Rooster, but don't take them down. You will run out of fire power, the spare will come in when you are low. Leave it to the kill for the spare to complete. Phoenix, I want you to attempt take down but don't actually complete it. Wait until spare arrives. Then you can take them down or not."

And they were off.

"Low on fire power, out of missals and only a handful of bullets." Rooster relayed over the comms after a short while. "I need back up or I will go up in flames or have to eject.

"Hangman you are the spare, go." Maverick ordered.

Now was the time to see if Maverick was right to worry.

Maverick watched Hangman closely through his canopy.

He saw his face freeze, just for a second. A flash of fear crossed his face before it hardened once more and he went for take off.

Maverick watched carefully as he took flight, he took off perfectly and was off.

He waited for the confirmation that Hangman had arrived and too out the bogey, before hearing that they were returning to base.

"Alright everyone, head to the classroom for debrief after you change out of your flight suits." Maverick ordered and watched those still in their planes on the ground hop out and head inside.

Maverick waited though. He watched as Phoenix and Bob landed, then Rooster, then Hangman.

He waved at the first three as they went to change. Then walked up to the final jet as it taxied into it's spot. Through the glass of the canopy, Maverick could see what he feared would happen.

He waved away all the post flight crew there to check over the jet.

"Come back in a bit." Maverick ordered, they nodded.

He climbed up the stairs to the jet and opened the canopy.

"Hangman, hey I need you to breath with me." Maverick spoke softly.

His eyes were wide and frazzled. His breathing erratic.

"Seresin, Jake." Maverick spoke again.

Jake's head snapped to look at him.

"Hey, kid, I need you to match my breathing alright. In... Out..." Maverick took Jakes hand and squeezed it for in and released for out. After a few rounds Jake began to squeeze back in sync with Maverick.

"Good kid, good. Just breath. You are in your cockpit, you are back on base at Miramar, everyone is safe, you are safe."

"Bradley-" Jake choked out.

"Bradley is fine. He is inside changing. "You saved us on the mission. You took down the bogey."

Jake flinched at the last line.

"Hey, can you stand up and get out of the jet?" Maverick asked carefully, noting his reactions.

Jake nodded, he didn't trust his voice.

Maverick stepped back and held out an arm helping Jake out of the cockpit.

"Good, now kid, we are going to go down the stairs. Just hold onto me and the rail."

"Don't- Want anyone to see me." Jake whispered out.

"Alright, we are going to my office, okay?"

Jake nodded.

Once they were on the tarmac he guided Jake to his office. Making sure to avoid coming in to contact with anyone knowing it would not help Jake in the slightest.

"Alright," Maverick said closing the blinds to his office and guiding jake to the small couch in his office. "How are you feeling now?"

"Better."

"That's good. Are you ready to tell me what happened?"

Jake looked down.

"Alright, I will tell you what I think happened. Feel free to stop and correct me at anytime."

Jake nodded, his hands clenching into fists as he continued to try and breath evenly.

"You heard Rooster over comms, you could hear the similarities of this and the mission. You were trying to force yourself to only pay attention to now and block out what did happen. Then you head your name called for spare, you went straight into a bit of flashbacks but pulled yourself out convincing yourself that you had to go help now or Bradley wouldn't make it. You pulled it together and made it there, completed the objective then headed back. You put all of your focus into flying the plane, pushing everything else to the back of your mind, but as soon as you landed to plane and didn't have anything else to focus on it came rushing through your defenses. You were reliving the moment over and over again, but sometimes it was a little different, a series of what ifs?"

"Pretty spot on there."

"I know, because I've been there. Look Jake, I sent you up as the spare for that simulation for this specific reason. I knew it could very possibly be a trigger, and I needed you to experience it now and see how you react."

"I can't be grounded." Jakes eyes went wide as his head shot up and the words flew out of his mouth.

"I am not doing that. Otherwise you are fine flying, I sent you up there in a near identical simulation. We just need to work on your reaction to it. I know you need to fly, otherwise you will lose it. I need to fly or I lose it. You are a pilot through and through."

"Sir-"

"It's Mav right now Jake. No formalities."

"Mav, I don't know what to do, I'm fine, and then suddenly I'm not. It doesn't affect me in the air minus this one time, but at night..."

"At night when there is nothing but time to think and let your mind wander. No distractions." Maverick paused before giving a pointed look, "No personas to hide behind?"

Jake froze, he had kept his walls up so high and so strong, no one saw them for what they were.

"Jake, I saw through that the first day. Every pilot has to be atleast a little cocky, but you took it to a whole other level. Reminds me of someone else I know, and I know why they did it."

"Mav..." Jake trailed off.

"I won't make you go through that conversation now, just like I won't make you go through the air to air kill discussion now."

Jake's head snapped up again.

"I know you've never had someone who could understand what an air to air kill really feels like. I've seen your reaction every time someone brings yours up. However, now you know people who have gone through that. Who have dealt with it. We are here for you."

"Everyone celebrates it, but..."

"You still took a life, and everyone else is celebrating while you are having an internal crisis over taking a life even if it was to save another."

Jake nodded.

"Come by the house tonight. Just you. We will talk about all of this, and if you aren't ready to speak Ice and I can tell you how we have dealt with all of it. You are a part of the very small group of people left with air to air kills, and even fewer of those are still in the Navy. I have others who you can talk to too, but I figured Ice and I were a good start. I know therapists as much as they try can never understand what we do and what we go through."

"Thanks Mav, I'll be there." Jake agrees still looking down, his hands shaking but still attempting to wipe aware the tears he wasn't even aware he had spilt until one fell onto his hand.

Maverick pulled Jake into a tight hug, one Jake returned quickly, holding onto Maverick like he was a life line.

"You can also talk to Bradley about this, he knows how to handle panic attacks and nightmares. He can't relate on the same level Ice and I can about the specifics, but for the rest of it he can."

Jake shook his head.

"I know you two are getting closer, and he has been through a lot too, he really can help and understand a lot of it. He is your wingman, and that is a whole different kind of bond, I know you and Javy are close too, and he is also your wingman. You can have more than one wingman. Don't feel bad about it. Ice and I are wingman to a whole other level, but we have others we trusted that were our wingmen too, just not the same as each other."

"Thank you Mav." Jake said, making sure his words were clear.

"Alright, lets change and head to debrief before the others get into too much trouble after being left unsupervised and bored."

A tentative knock was heard at the front door of the Mitchell-Kazansky house.

Maverick opened the door with a soft smile at Jake.

"Hey kid," He greeted

"Hey Mav."

Ice walked in and took his place in his usual chair as Maverick guided Jake to the couch before taking his place on the couch seat closest to Ice's chair.

"I don't know how we are supposed to start this." Jake said softly, refusing to meet either of the other men's eyes.

"How about we start with you job as the spare on the mission, we can go from there." Maverick suggested.

"I just knew I had to fly as fast as I could to save Roo," Jake paused for a half a second before adding, "And you."

"Just as the spare should do, and you got there just in the nick of time." Maverick assured.

"And if I hadn't?"

"You did though." Maverick reiterated.

"But-"

"Jake," Ice spoke for the first time, "You can't live in a world of what ifs or buts. Trust me on that. It will just consume you and there will be nothing else left. You can't change the past for better or worse. In this case the better was the outcome. It won't always be, you can just do your best in each scenario."

"And what if my best isn't enough?" Jake asked, his tone going harsh and stiff.

"Then it's still not your fault because there was nothing more you could have done." Maverick assured.

"How can you know that though?"

"I did everything right when Goose and I went into the flat spin. Even the hearing committee declared there was nothing I could do. Has that stopped me from spending the every year since wondering if there was something I could have done to save my best friend and Bradley's father? No, but I can't live in that world, otherwise I would have lost it a long time ago."

"How do you escape that world?" Jake asked softly.

"Find something else to live for. I had to live for Bradley, Carol, and Ice. I had to live for them until I could live for myself again. It takes time, but you can get there. Sometimes it really is fake it til you make it. Sometimes it means stepping away, and other times it means taking a breath and throwing yourself in the deep end and seeing how you react."

"How did you do it?"

"I mix of several of those. I couldn't fly after the accident. Well I could, but no where near what I should have been able too. How did you put it? I was stuck on my perch and refusing to make a move. Everyone around me was pushing me to just suddenly be okay and fly like I always did. Only one person told me they were sorry it happened to me and expected nothing else from me. They were just there for me and they didn't care about if I stayed in the navy, if I flew again, or anything else. They just cared that I knew someone was there for me at that I could grieve."

"Who was it?"

"Ice."

Jake stared down at the floor. Taking in everything he had been told.

"That doesn't mean everything is better, I still have flashes back to that day and nightmares with varying scenarios, but it does get better. You have to let go of those what ifs. You succeeded on the mission, now you just have to keep on living."

Jake nodded solemnly, he knew his outcome was the best possible outcome, but that didn't change what could have happened, and what he did.

"Though I have a feeling that the possibility of not saving us isn't what really has you torn up. It's part of it, but most certainly not all of it." Ice spoke once more.

"It's my second time doing it, and it still feels..."

"bitter sweet, you saved people but you took a life to do it. Everyone is celebrating it and you still aren't sure how to feel about it. It's bitter because a life was lost, but sweet because you saved people you care about." Maverick answered, the look in his eyes was too raw for Jake to look at for long.

"Everyone wants to call you the hero and praise you, but you still took someone's life and have to know that to save your own people someone else lost their person."

"That harsh part of war and battles. Life is always lost. No death is meaningless, and sometimes the call has to be made, our people or theirs. It's an easy hard choice, we always save our own, but it will come with consequences."

"My first air to air kill, I saved my wingman, I landed back on the carrier and was met with the heroes welcome. Everyone crowded around me, cheering for me. The cheers followed me around the ship, to the mess hall, to the showers even, but my room was just silence. No cheers, no screams, just silence. All that there was left to hear was my thoughts, and the realization that I had killed someone. Everyone else was celebrating their death, and I was trying to figure out if I could mourn them. If I couldn't, what could I do?"

"I know kid, you are talking to the only other two people in the Navy who know what you are talking about. Air to air kills, you never even see them. They are so rare now a days, that when one happens it spreads like wild fire. Ice and I were on the front page across the country after our mission. Chatter spreads through the ranks-"

"And no matter where you go, everyone knows, your name become synonymous with air to air kill, with death."

"I saw you flinch when Phoenix mentioned it at the hard deck, there were still few enough people there for me to hear it. I also see the flash of emotion across your face when someone mentions it. You cover it up quick kid, but I know the look because I've had the look."

"I have a reputation to keep up."

"Yea I know, you are good, too good to be true." Maverick gave him a pointed look for the second half of the line.

"That seems to be more of a mantra for yourself than an answer." Ice said straight to the point.

"And if it is? Maverick said if you have to fake it til you make it."

"There is a difference of faking it and being crushed by it."

Jake looked down at the floor once more.

"I know the shields and walls you built there because I built my own." Ice reveals.

Jake's head shoots up at this new info.

"But your Iceman, a four star admiral, commander of the Pacific Fleet, Ice Cold No mistakes-" Jake stops abruptly realizing the meaning behind those words.

"Ice Cold, no mistakes. No one knows what I think or feel, and I make no mistakes. You a lot more like me and Maverick than you think. You have Maverick's flying style, but you've got my attitude and my shields."

"But you live up to those ideals?"

"Really?" Ice gave him a pointed look, "No mistakes?"

"When have you ever made a mistake?"

"During Hop 31 in Top Gun class of 86."

Maverick gave Ice a pointed look.

"I know Maverick, not my fault, doesn't change the mistake."

"What do you mean? Isn't that the hop where..."

"Where Goose died? Yes. No one ever asks whose jet wash they flew through. It was mine. I was determined to win the Top Gun trophy, because I was Iceman, the best of the best, and I needed to prove it. So I was trying to take down our instructor, I couldn't get the shot, Maverick was my wingman and insistent he had the shot, he told me to break left. I kept pushing I just knew I could get the shot, when I realized I couldn't I broke left. They flew through my jet wash."

"I told you that to get through it you have to know how you react to the situation if it happens again? On the mission after Top Gun, I flew through jet wash again on my way to help Ice. I almost left the fight entirely, because I freaked in the air after I recovered. You know I didn't but I wasn't so sure in that moment. I just knew I couldn't leave my wingman and I reengaged. That is why I sent you up today like that in the training. I needed both you and me to know how you would react if it happened again. You completed the objective, and didn't let it hit you until the mission was complete and you were safe on the ground. That's a good thing to know. You know how you reacted this time, and each time your reaction will get a little bit better. The haunting feeling will never leave you, but you get better with it over time."

"I wish we could give you a magical cure kid, but it's life, and life is never easy. No matter what façade you put up to try and cover it up."

"I don't know how not to live with that façade anymore. I've lived with it most of my life."

"I know kid, the pressures those around you and those who are connected to you are never easy. Maverick was always flying against his father legacy of treason, a false statement, and I always had to be perfect and never let anything phase me because that's how I was raised to be. My father was an admiral and he accepted nothing less than perfection. I don't know you back story for you façade and your pressures, but I know that they are there. If you ever want to talk about them, I am here."

"How do you escape it?"

"You let one person see through it at a time. Maverick saw through mine, and I let him see more. I started trying to stop holding up my walls and façade around him until I felt comfortable doing it and it became natural. From there I had others I let in. Slowly, at my own pace. That person can be one of us, as you are doing right now, or it can be someone else. That's how you start it."

"Thanks for this."

"Anytime kid. Let us know if you need anything, or anyone else."

Jake looked at Ice as he felt the hidden meaning behind the last words. He chose not to question further what the admiral meant by those words, choosing to play ignorant than hear the answer out loud.

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Sorry it's been a while yall, my schedule fluctuates and I usually can't keep a consistent update schedule, it just depends.

I haven't seen anyone address this with Jake yet, and I have been wanting to so hear yall go, don't worry class of '86 is showing up soon, once they do any requests or hopes for when they do?

Let me know what yall thought!