CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #1: Hello everybody, it's that time once again. Before we get into this, I have a plan in place for the ending, so i've come up with a definitive release schedule for the rest of the story. From here on out, I'll include the date of the next chapter release at the end of each chapter in the authors notes. That should allay concerns that this story isn't going to get finished, it will be. Beyond that this story is really getting to the meaty parts, which is exciting and terrifying. This chapter is one that wasn't originally its own thing, but had to be after it got past 3,000 words. I'm trying to cap word counts per chapter between 5,000 or 6,000 max. In this chapter some more insights will be gleaned into Sarah's thinking, as well as some interesting other stuff. This chapter was inspired by the song "Horizons" by Scott Buckley.

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #2: Where last chapter is concerned, it's been a long time since someone has accused me of fetishizing Sarah being sexually assaulted, that's an oldie but a goodie to say the least. Alas, someone out there thought I should know just how much I allegedly get off to Sarah being raped and brutalized like a cheap hooker... so thank you for that, your kind words are greatly appreciated :)

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #3: No beta readers were harmed in the construction of this fanfic.


Numb

A Story by
CharmingCharles2896

Chapter Five
Horizons

Sarah got ready away from Chuck. They talked about it after a much-needed nap. Sarah was firmly of the opinion that Chuck was never to see her like this. What Chuck saw from the contacts would be a mere shadow of the real thing, she was sure. Sarah never wanted him to see her in this trashy hooker outfit that she knew men like Yevgeni enjoyed. Sarah had sent Chuck to get the comms ready, as well as to set up the video equipment for tonight. She'd told him that when it came time for her to go, he wasn't to look, but was to focus on the computers. She knew it was strange, but something inside her told her that the man she hoped to spend the rest of her life with should never have to see her in knee-high leather boots, trashy fishnets, and a shimmery, silver dress that barely covered her cooch.

Sarah had put more work into preparing her body for the night's events than she'd done for any date she'd ever been on, which pissed her off. Part of Sarah hated that she was going to so much trouble for this pig. The thing was, Sarah knew that putting on a good performance was the key to getting through this whole thing with as few cuts and bruises as possible. There would be injuries, Sarah was sure of it, but the happier she made Volkoff, the more likely it was that he'd forgo the use of the cane. The cane was the part of Sarah's last encounter with Volkoff that had haunted her the most. The vicious whip and crack of that infernal thing still haunted her sleep from time to time. The mental and emotional scars from that night had prevented Sarah from doing all sorts of work as an agent. Langston Graham for all his faults had spared her seduction missions for years after her night with Volkoff.

After a two-year hiatus from field work, Graham took all of the negative emotions that had flowed through Sarah since that night, and channeled them into a string of brutal assassinations. Within a year, Sarah had garnered a feared reputation as a ruthless killing machine, Graham's attack dog. Her stints with the CATs and Bryce had been attempts by Graham to mellow her out a bit. He'd tried to pull her back from the darkness more than once, each time ending in disaster. Langston Graham had created her and subsequently spent the last years of his life trying to unmake the monster he'd turned her into. Ultimately, the job of turning Langston Graham's little monster back into a human being had been taken up by Chuck Bartowski. It had taken years and lots of angst, but he'd pulled her back from the darkness. Now, Sarah Walker was staring back into the abyss and she knew she had to wade back into those murky depths one last time. Sarah wanted to stay in the sun with the man she loved. Sarah wanted to leave that dark part of her behind, but she knew she couldn't. The fate of millions of people rested on Sarah being able to face the man who'd helped create her. If she failed her mission tonight, she may not live to join the man she loved and build a life with him.

As Sarah walked into the main part of Castle, she saw the love of her life, busying himself to keep his eyes away from her. General Beckman stood up as Sarah entered. For the General, seeing the unease in Agent Walker's features was a bit surprising. Sarah Walker's reputation was that of a ruthless, cold-blooded killer, who feared no mission. The woman Beckman had observed for the last several hours was nothing like her reputation. It had been a very long time since Diane Beckman had been out in the field. She still remembered her last field assignment, rescuing those girls from that Czech human trafficking ring. She'd seen those poor girls shake like leaves, scared out of their minds from the treatment they'd endured. Today, Diane Beckman saw some of that same fear in Agent Walker. She didn't want to believe what her eyes were telling her, but seeing Agent Walker now, dressed like a cheap hooker, stealing glances at her boyfriend, was unmistakable. It was clear to the General that Agent Walker was beyond afraid. Watching the poor blonde, she saw a woman who wanted to stay and forget this entire thing.

General Beckman could see the blonde's hand shaking, trembling. In the blink of an eye, Sarah squeezed her hand into a fist to stop the shaking. The woman was terrified about spending another night with Yevgeni Volkoff, that was clear as day. Looking over at Chuck, the General saw a man trying his hardest to be strong. Clearly, he'd been given instructions not to look at his girlfriend when it was time for her to leave. The fact that a discussion like that even took place, showed just how strongly Agent Walker felt about Chuck Bartowski. General Beckman had never felt that strongly about a man. She had her thing with Roan that was very hot and heavy in its day, but it never reached the point where she worried about his feelings more than her own. She'd never known someone willing to sacrifice for her, to endure all sorts of discomfort and misfortune to help her with something.

Seeing Agent Walker, the longing look in her eyes, gave the General the slightest twinge of remorse. It was easier to make decisions when she was thousands of miles away. When standing in the room with those she commanded, seeing the effects of her actions was a new feeling, one she found supremely unpleasant. Beckman and Sarah's eyes met in that moment and the General saw so many things. Fear, shame, longing, and so many more emotions flashed through those piercing blue eyes.

Silently, Sarah motioned towards Chuck, the General nodding and stepping out of earshot. Sarah walked over to the man she loved, her left hand resting on his shoulder. Sarah reached over his right shoulder and picked up the case containing the contact lenses. The transmitter had already been put behind her ear, but she'd held back on the cameras, not wanting Chuck to see while she was getting ready. After putting the contacts in, video feeds appeared on two monitors, one for each eye it would seem. To test this, Sarah blinked her left then right eye, each screen going dark individually. Knowing she had no more time to stall, Sarah bent down and placed a kiss behind Chuck's ear, before speaking softly into it.

"Don't think of me as the woman you love, while I'm with him; it won't make this any easier on you. Just focus on keeping me safe tonight." The hitch in her throat from the emotion was almost too much, but she powered through it. Sarah leaned down even further and placed a kiss on Chuck's cheek.

"I'll see you soon, my love." Without another word, Sarah stood, turned on her heels, and made for the stairs. As she climbed the stairs, she had to fight off tears. The dread in her stomach was almost too much to bear. The General watched Sarah climb the stairs, blinking away tears the entire time. Beckman had ordered Agent Walker to seduce a man, at least that's what she'd thought at the time. As she watched Sarah climb the stairs, she saw a woman struggling to face someone who clearly terrified her. As the door opened, Beckman saw the hesitation. It was a short moment, but watching the blonde stop and look back at the man she loved from the top of the stairs was a profound experience. What Beckman saw from Sarah's body language wasn't longing, it wasn't fear, it was the look of someone trying to memorize a person's image. Sarah was trying to burn this last image of the man she loved into her memory. Just before Sarah turned and walked through the door, her eyes met the General's one last time. In that moment, some cosmic force compelled her to move. She couldn't let Agent Walker walk away like this.

As Sarah walked through the dark, lifeless yogurt shop, she heard the door whoosh behind her, before a voice called after her.

"Agent Walker," came the voice of the General. Sarah stopped and turned to see the General racing after her. As General Beckman finally reached Sarah, the two of them shared another glance. The look of finality and ice-cold contempt in Agent Walker's eyes spoke volumes to the General. Looking away from the piercing, despondent eyes of Sarah Walker, Beckman spoke softly. "I know this is a strange question to ask given all that's happened, but why?" the General asked, surprising Sarah.

"What?" Sarah replied, a hint of shock in her tone.

"Why did you agree to this? I know I ordered you to do it, and I know that orders are orders, but…" Running a hand across the back of her neck, Beckman spoke more candidly than Sarah had ever seen. "Why didn't you just quit? If you plan to resign anyway, why go through with this?" Sarah paused and thought for a long moment, thinking about the General's question.

"After that night so long ago, Director Graham was kind enough to shield me from missions like this one. He recognized the impact that night had on me and did his best to prevent such things from happening again. After his death, a part of me knew you'd order me to seduce someone, it was inevitable. To be blunt, the only person more willing to push women at marks than Langston Graham, is you." The General looked away in the face of Sarah's blunt criticism.

"Four months ago, when you gave me that order to seduce Barker, my first reaction was dread. At first, I didn't think I'd be able to go through with it four months ago, but Barker was nothing like…" Sarah trailed off, not even wanting to say his name.

After a steadying breath, Sarah continued. "I guess my training and years of experience in the field made me able to seduce Agent Barker and the Albanian, whereas I wasn't prepared in the slightest seven years ago. To be honest, if it wasn't for my intense attraction and affection for Chuck, I likely would have failed that assignment four months ago. By thinking of Chuck, I was able to fool my mind long enough to actually enjoy some of my time with Agent Barker, as crazy as that sounds to others. When it comes to tonight, given my history with… that man, there will be no possible way to grit and bare what happens. The things that happen tonight will not be pleasant, and will likely haunt me for a long time." Agent Walker's blunt assessment of the past and her opinions on the events of tonight were tough to hear for the General. It was clear that Agent Walker no longer held Beckman in any positive regard.

"As for why I am going through with this at all; nuclear terrorism is one of those things that transcends all other considerations. I can't in good conscience, ignore a threat like a loose nuclear device. Without the nuclear threat, I would have resigned on the spot, instead of subjecting myself to another humiliating, demeaning, and abusive night with him. The thought of spending five seconds, let alone five hours with that monster truly terrifies me. That night seven years ago defined me as a person, made me who I am today, for better or worse. So, no matter how loudly my mind screams at me to run away and hide, I'm going to do this… for the greater good. If I make it through this, then rest assured my time as an agent will be well and truly finished. At this point in my life, dying for the greater good is no longer a tolerable outcome. I want a life with Chuck Bartowski and when this is finished, I'm going to spend the rest of my life, proving to him that he is the only man for me, that he is my priority, just as I am his." If that didn't put a definitive stop to the possibility of Sarah Walker returning as an agent, then Sarah didn't know what would. For Diane Beckman, she was beginning to better understand the blonde standing before her. The woman she saw in that moment wasn't a CIA Agent. For the first time, Diane Beckman saw Sarah Walker the person, the woman behind the legend.

The files and mission reports in Agent Walker's file painted a clear picture of who Sarah Walker was, at least in the eyes of the CIA. In that moment, standing face to face with the greatest spy in the history of the CIA, Beckman saw someone totally different. It was in Sarah's eyes; she was done being a spy. The woman standing before the General wasn't a spy, she was a woman in love, desperately trying to find her way out of a life she no longer considered acceptable.

"Thank you for being honest, Agent Walker. While your words about my reputation may have stung, I appreciate the honesty, given all that's happened lately. Standing here right now, I won't try to convince you to stay with the company, it wouldn't be right to ask that of you given what you are about to endure. I will admit, your file paints a very different picture of who Sarah Walker is. Part of me thinks that blatant obfuscation was by design. Having seen your reaction to this assignment, it is clear that I bought into the legend of Graham's Enforcer, instead of seeing the person standing before me. I won't say that I regret what I've done, my job is a hard one that often requires me to make difficult, seemingly impossible choices. That said, all of this hinges on you, Agent Walker; a burden I unfairly placed on your shoulders. For that, I am sorry," General Beckman said as she extended her hand. "Good luck," the General said softly.

Sarah eyed the General for a beat, before shaking the outstretched hand. With a labored voice, filled with the emotion that both of them knew was bubbling just below the surface, Sarah spoke back to the woman she used to hold in such high regard. "Try to protect him, please," Sarah said no louder than a whisper. Beckman had to lean in to hear Sarah as she spoke.

"Chuck absolutely hates it when I get hurt," Sarah began with great effort. Unable to meet the General's eyes, Sarah looked down at her hands and spoke again. "I fear there will be a lot of things that Chuck won't be able to handle, tonight." The vulnerability Beckman saw in Sarah's body language made her heart constrict. The legendary Sarah Walker had resigned herself to her fate. Beckman saw it, Sarah had moved beyond fear and had accepted what was going to happen to her tonight. Without sparing a second look, Sarah turned and left the Orange Orange. Walking after Sarah, Beckman called to her one last time.

"Agent Walker," she called, Sarah turning to look at her. "Easy, Big Guy," Beckman said, getting nothing but confusion from Sarah. "Say those three words and I'll send Casey in to extract you." Sarah silently nodded and moved towards the navy-blue Cadillac that Beckman had acquired for the evening. As the General watched Sarah climb in, she couldn't help the feeling in her stomach.

The lingering doubt that had been looming in the back of Beckman's mind had come to the forefront in the wake of Agent Walker's words. Beckman had placed considerable stock in Agent Walker's reputation as an unshakable professional. Sarah's words about Langston Graham's reputation as essentially a CIA sanctioned pimp had the General thinking. Langston Graham was indeed known as a man willing to whore any woman out for the greater good. In spite of that reality, for several years, that very same man refused to send Agent Walker on such assignments. The fear that Beckman now felt, was that Graham's veritable moratorium on seduction missions for Agent Walker had been in place for a reason.

With doubts swirling in her head, General Beckman returned to Castle. As she walked down the stairs, she could see Chuck working away on the computers, paying as little mind as possible to the pair of black and white screens to his left. Instead, Chuck appeared to be getting comms online with Major Casey.

"Can you hear me, Casey?" Chuck asked, before he nodded to himself. "Yeah, I've got you loud and clear. Sarah just left, expect her arrival by five thirty." Chuck said, not even noticing that Beckman had reentered Castle. "I figured she can hang with you for a bit to settle her nerves before she has to go up to the penthouse," Chuck said to Casey. Hearing only one half of the conversation was unique. Because she was only getting Chuck's half of the conversation, she couldn't help but admire his continued concern for his girlfriend.

"No, I'm not expecting you to sit down for tea and share your feelings, you sexist idiot," Chuck said with a grumble. "She's incredibly nervous and I worry about her, Casey." This was a man that truly loved Sarah Walker, even now he was doing anything he could think of to help her get through this.

General Beckman took a seat next to Chuck and grabbed the second headset. "Major Casey?" General Beckman called.

"Yes, General," Casey replied in a stilted voice.

"Considering the nature and gravity of this assignment, as well as the history that Agent Walker shares with the mark, consider Mr. Bartowski's suggestion to be a direct order. Do what you can to calm her down before it's showtime. Good luck," she concluded seriously.

"I will do what I can for Walker; but luck is reserved for the unprepared."


CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #4: Sarah is off to face her destiny, or is it her doom? Doubts linger in Beckman's mind, are these worries credible or nothing to worry about? Chuck is trying his hardest to be strong for Sarah, will he be able to handle what Sarah thinks is to come? All of these questions and more will be answered when Numb returns on Thursday, July 6th, with chapter six... "Sights."

CHARMING'S AUTHORS NOTE #5: If you enjoyed this chapter, if you hated it, if you have any opinions at all, then leave me a review and let me know! I love your reviews and have gotten so many more than I thought I would for this story already.

Until Next Time :D