What Kowalski would absolutely have loved was to never have to think of his father beyond a passing thought. It was the past and all he wanted was to just be grateful for how it was now. This worked for him until April when Jeffery told him about a call he got. With his brother living with his cousin, Kowalski didn't worry as much. This changed things.
The team accompanied him to his cousin's apartment. Kenny hugged his brother, not wanting to let go.
"What exactly was the message again?" Skipper asked Jeffery.
"Ralph is dying and wanted to see his sons." Jeffery said. "He basically drank himself to death, his body is failing him and his kidneys are shutting down-"
"I'm not donating anything." Kowalski stated.
"No one's saying that and we wouldn't expect you to. He isn't going to last long, which is why the hospital reached out to family."
"Were you planning on going?"
"I got a few things to say to him, yeah."
"I'm staying." Kenny said, releasing his brother and looking down at his shoes.
"Don't be ashamed of it." Kowalski said. "You don't owe him anything."
"I want to be there for you." Kenny said. "I'll go to whatever hospital he's at, but I won't see him."
"Okay."
"I go too." Rico said.
"Can't we all go?" Private asked.
"No, you and I need to stay here and protect the city." Skipper said. "Marlene and Allie are still shaken up and they need us. Marlene needs me and Allie needs you. Rico can go for additional backup." The others agreed.
"Alright then. Just be careful."
Despite having Jeffery on the plane with them and Rico next to Kowalski and Kenny, holding his boyfriend's hand, the brothers felt a familiar sense of dread. It almost felt like it was just the two of them again, surviving.
Once they were off the plane, they took a taxi to their booked hotel. They'd managed to get a single room for two nights.
"Hey, we never had it this fancy here." Kowalski said, trying to lighten the mood. Kenny offered a faint smile.
They settled in as it was late. Kowalski and Kenny shared a bed while Rico took the other. Kenny offered to switch with Rico, but the latter said the brothers needed each other. Jeffery slept on the pullout couch.
In the morning, they went out to a cafe for breakfast. Kowalski sighed as he looked around.
"It's like seeing another world." He said. "What could have been...this is somewhat close to home so...perhaps I could have studied here and had coffee...or maybe one of us might have gotten a job here."
"Maybe if we would have had mom and they moved to Wisconsin just because." Kenny added.
"Talia." Rico said. "Mom."
"She might have wanted to move to Missouri." Jeffery agreed. "Or I could have helped the Blues move out to New York."
"It looks like a decent town." Kowalski said, gesturing outside. "I just can't appreciate what Bayfield has to offer after everything it didn't provide."
Silence fell between them until breakfast came. Then Rico and Kenny got into a friendly debate of waffles vs pancakes.
"Syrup pockets." Rico kept bringing up.
"Yeah, but syrup absorbs into pancakes and it doesn't drip off the pancake." Was Kenny's reply.
Jeffery and Kowalski let them chat as Jeffery was renting a car. They soon were on the road and found themselves in front of their old house at Kowalski's request.
There was a child's bike in the front yard and an unfamiliar car. Kowalski got out, followed by Rico, then Kenny and Jeffery a few minutes later. They stared at the house, but Jeffery reminded them that people lived there and it would be weird to be found like this.
Kowalski walked up to the door and knocked, followed by the other three. The door opened to a confused looking man.
"Uh...no hablas Ingles, lo siesta." He said.
"It's siento. We're not here to sell stuff." Kowalski said. "I know enough Spanish for a good conversation."
"I'm not interested in any religious talks." The man said, having given up his facade. "Though you don't seem dressed for the part."
"My name's Jeffery Harrison." Jeffery said. "These are my cousins, Kowalski and Kenny, they used to live here. Rico's here for support." Rico waved.
"Oh." The man looked at the boys. "I uh...heard a bit about the guy who lived here from the neighbors. I'm sorry you guys went through that."
"Trust the neighbors to gossip but not actually help." Kowalski muttered. "Who knows there's small children there for years but just decides to talk around like school kids instead of acting like adults?"
"Yeah, people can be..." The man trailed off. "I'm Darryl. I wasn't expecting anyone, but did you want to come in?"
Kowalski hesitated.
"Yes please." Kenny's small voice came.
"You'll have to forgive the mess, my kids love being creative, but never like cleaning their messes." Darryl gestured for them to enter.
"Kids." Rico laughed.
"I know."
Kowalski felt odd. It was the same place, but it was also entirely different. There used to not be much, bleak and stuffy, no room for creativity or life. There had always been that monster that could appear from any corner.
He had the urge to run from there. Grab his brother and get out of the house.
But...
Strangely, his brother seemed to marvel at the things the new residents had. There was an open coloring book on the new coffee table in front of the television. Photos and drawings were stuck on the fridge. There was even a taped drawing on the back of the front door when Kowalski had turned around.
"Were there cartoons?" Kenny asked. He seemed perplexed at his own question.
"On the weekends mostly, I don't want them to get too focused on electronics." Darryl answered. "The coloring book was for my four year old. My wife took her to a doctor's appointment and my boys are in school."
"How old are the boys?"
"Nine and seven."
"Seven...four..." Kowalski sighed.
"You have no need for that old code." Jeffery said. "They're safe. You and your brother are safe."
"I-I feel like...I can't escape it."
"You can. You're free to leave. You're not held back by anything anymore."
"Strings cut." Rico said.
"You can look in the kids' rooms if you want." Darryl said. "This might be part of the healing process."
Kowalski nodded. He still felt like a stranger. He was a stranger to these people. They had no idea what happened here. He walked further in, observing the spot where he'd been beaten- he shook his head. It was clean and innocent looking now.
Then, they looked in Kenny's old bedroom which was shared by the current boys. It was entirely different and Kowalski couldn't think of anything that would make it Kenny's room. The bed was a bunk bed and there were toys hastily tossed onto a table and an overflowing laundry hamper.
Kowalski's room was opened by Rico. It was definitely a four year old's messy room. No furniture was the same here. Kowalski couldn't blame them, his had been literally rotten and he'd been forced to downgrade to putting his folded clothes under his bed.
"Shut the door, please." Kowalski muttered, tearing his eyes away from the right wall. "Painful punishments." He said as explanation.
"I'm going to have to deny my bedroom, you understand, right?" Darryl said.
"Of course." Jeffery answered. His cousins nodded. They had no need to relive that. Kowalski didn't want to relive that final night.
The backyard was in the middle of being remodeled and there was a nice flowerbed on the porch. Kowalski's eyes were rooted to a specific spot. He started hyperventilating, chest tightening, cold from the rain- wait no, it's a lovely spring day...but the rain...so cold...so...naked.
"'Walski." He held onto Rico's voice. Rico was calling him. Rico is in the present, not the past.
He felt an arm gently pulling him. He followed, the forms getting blurrier. Then, he succumbed to darkness, hearing Kenny say his name.
He woke on the couch. He groaned and his glasses were gently placed on his face by Rico. Rico and Kenny were looking at him, worriedly. Darryl and Jeffery were chatting with an unknown woman.
"Tea." A young child had walked up to him, holding an empty plastic cup.
"Thanks." Kowalski said weakly, playing along.
"Hi, play dollies?" She asked Rico.
"Dolly?" Rico asked. She stared at him, wide eyed.
"He's nice, just his voice is not working so good." Kenny explained.
"Otay." She ran off.
"Are you alright?" The woman asked. "My husband and your cousin caught me up to what happened. Would you like to stay for lunch?"
Kowalski blinked, unsure how to respond. He seemed to think for a moment, then cleared his throat and got up, Rico making sure he was stable.
"No thank you. I'm afraid we've imposed quite enough." Kowalski said, adjusting his glasses and avoiding eye contact. "We'll get something once we get back to our hotel." His tone was one of finality.
"Thank you for your time." Jeffery told Darryl and his wife.
"You're welcome." Darryl said.
They bid the family farewell and left. Kowalski was completely silent and expressionless the entire way back to the hotel. He only broke the silence once they entered to ask for a moment alone and that he didn't care what they brought back to eat.
"I'm worried about him." Jeffery said once the bathroom door shut. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but this is..." he sighed.
"It wasn't on you." Kenny said. "We both wanted to come. It...wasn't easy for me either." He indicated his tear stained face. Kowalski had noticed his brother's tears but didn't mention it.
"I think he didn't want to pressure you into talking about it because he might have felt like he'd be pressured to talk about his feelings."
"That's one of the hardest things for him to do. He keeps it in check way better than me."
Kowalski didn't say anything when he exited the bathroom and went into the bedroom. Kenny went to wash his face.
"Hey Kenny, let's go get some food when you're done there." Jeffery said. Kenny made a noise of agreement. "Rico, will you stay with Kowalski?"
"Yeah." Rico said.
"Thanks."
Jeffery and Kenny made sure they were ready before leaving. Rico entered the bedroom to see Kowalski staring at the ceiling with a troubled look on his face.
Rico plopped himself down on the bed and propped his head up with his arm so he was looking at an angle. Kowalski sighed.
"I fail to understand what happened to me back there." Kowalski said. "I can't say how I feel. I don't know...I just...froze. Years of running and I freeze. I-I-" He groaned in frustration, rubbing his face. His glasses were pushed up into his hair.
"It's okay." Rico said, taking Kowalski's hand. "Safe."
"A difficult concept considering our entire history there."
"No. Safe. You got out."
"We both did."
"Yup." Rico released his hand and pushed Kowalski's glasses back down. "See?"
"The clearer picture or you?"
Rico laughed. "Both."
"Hey?"
"Hm?"
"Kiss me."
Rico obliged, then looked at Kowalski's face with a smile on his own. Kowalski regarded him, took his glasses off, and placed them on the side table; then reached his arm up and pulled Rico in for more kisses. Then they were making out until Rico realized there was something off about Kowalski's breathing.
He pulled away to see Kowalski having a panic attack. He whimpered and tried to pull Rico back again. Rico hummed a familiar melody. The song that Private came up with to calm them, mostly for Rico, but he figured it was worth a shot to help Kowalski.
Rico laid his head on Kowalski's left shoulder, then snuggled into him, his right arm draped over his boyfriend's chest. Kowalski's arm was under and around Rico, while his right hand played with Rico's hair. Rico's consistent humming gave him comfort. He was calming down from the attack.
Kowalski was starting to doze off when he heard the door. He kept his eyes shut as the voices of his cousin and brother got closer. They opened the bedroom door and he heard Jeffery tell Kenny to get a picture. Kowalski smelled the food they brought. He opened an eye to see Kenny taking his phone out.
"Shh, pretend to be asleep." Kenny said. Kowalski closed his eyes. "Ok, got the pic."
Kowalski opened his eyes and gently shook Rico awake. Rico yawned loudly. He kissed Kowalski and then smelled the food. His stomach rumbled.
"You okay?" Rico asked.
Kowalski put his glasses on and got back up. "Better." He responded.
They ate lunch and discussed the plans for the rest of the day. Once Rico had told them that Kowalski had a panic attack, Jeffery had reservations about them going to see Ralph. Kowalski insisted, he didn't want to spend more time than they had to and waiting would only make the dread worse.
