Episode 5! A Dastardly Dealing Going Down!
Datura. A town of two sides. Under the sun, it was quiet, peaceful and unassuming, as if nothing could go wrong. Where things changed, however, was when night fell upon the town. That was when Datura's dark side blossomed, a town of crime and disorder.
Recently a host of strange magic items had been tracked to this infamous town. Whether it was the work of one individual or an organization was currently unknown, but they were finding their way out of Datura and into the wrong hands. Those who got their hands on them were using them to sow chaos. It was a problem that even left the Magic Council concerned.
There was a particular back-alley bar that was quite active during Datura's night hours. Its usual patrons conversed, enjoyed a beverage or tucked themselves away in their own private corners. Most of them had rather rough appearances.
In contrast to the intimidating bar-goers, the barkeep herself looked quite delicate. Tall with skin of bronze and hair of obsidian, she wore a simple purple dress that was cut just low enough to show off her ample cleavage. She stood behind the counter, busying herself with scrubbing a glass clean with a worn-out towel.
Soon, the light mutter of chatter went quiet. When the barkeep looked up from the glass, she watched three ladies walking towards her: one with scarlet-red hair, one brunette and the other a blonde. All eyes were on them. Understandable, as they were quite attractive, although they wore the most outlandish black suits.
"Good evening." spoke the redhead as the three reached the counter. "We're in the need of information, if you don't mind."
"Hmph." the barkeep grunted dismissively. "How about ordering something first? Then I might be motivated."
"Very well. Cana?" the redhead turned to the brunette.
"Fine by me! One barrel of your finest booze!" The brunette named Cana slams down a couple of bills. Not questioning where she was storing those, the woman looked at the brunette with a raised eyebrow.
"I can get you a mug if that's all the same to you, honey."
"That'll do! Your biggest mug!"
The barwoman set a sizeable mug on the counter filled to the brim with frothy beer. The brunette lifted it to her lips without any trouble and commenced drinking.
"So what do you gals need?"
"We seek the whereabouts of a broker dealing in illegal and especially dangerous magical items." the redhead responded.
The woman's eyes drifted. "Is that so? Well, sorry to disappoint, ladies. Someone like that doesn't ring a bell for me."
"You sure about that?" asked the blonde.
THONK!
The sound of glass hitting wood caught the woman's attention. The brunette wiped her mouth with a satisfied smile after slamming down the now empty mug. The look on the barkeep's face was one of brief surprise at the speed at which she drank all of that beer before she turned back to the blonde.
"Anyway, might you be insinuating something?" she asked.
The blonde flashed a cheeky grin. "Well, let's just say we managed to get a hot tip that you might have connections to who we're looking for."
"...is that so...?" the woman's eyes narrowed.
"Yeah, our interrogation methods are top notch." said the brunette, now staring longingly at the empty mug. "Guy was stubborn, but in the end, he couldn't be happier to talk."
The barkeep stared, curious but deciding not to unpack that statement. Rather, she addressed the group. "Look, I'll give you some friendly advice, free of charge. It's best you girls know when to back off. Or else you might find yourselves hurt. This is Datura, after all."
The redhead wasn't fazed, however, and met the woman with a stern look as she rests an elbow on the counter. "Seems to me you're hiding a lot more than you let on. Call it a hunch. But I assure you, the sooner we find out what we need to know, the sooner we'll be out of your hair."
The barkeeper matched her gaze. "You don't get it, don't you? I've nothing to say to the bunch of you weirdos. And if telling you twice doesn't work..."
She claps twice, loudly enough for everyone to hear and to this, several thugs rise from their seats, menacingly gathering behind the black suited women.
"...then my boys and girls are gonna have to beat a lesson into you." she finished.
The redhead looked over her shoulder at the group of thugs, before turning back with a brazen smile. "Looks like diplomacy has failed. Shall we commence with Plan G, Cana? Lucy?"
"The hell are you up to now?" asked the barkeep as the three women lean forward, sticking their surprisingly large backsides out in the direction of the crowd behind them.
"Gas-Butt." spoke the redhead.
"Triple." said the blonde.
And as soon as the word "Ecstasy" left the brunette's mouth, their rears exploded with a noisy toot as a cloudy fart engulfs the thugs behind them. The barkeep watched in horror as the three women farted before her, wearing the smuggest grins. Though their raucous rears were facing away from her, it only took but a few seconds for their fetid emission to waft in her direction.
"Ugnnh!" with one whiff, she nearly gagged, quickly pinching her nostrils closed. "What the hell!"
"Yeah, that stinks, doesn't it?"
"And we've got plenty more where that came from!"
"I would suggest you spill the hypothetical beans before we-"
"Ugh, I get it! I get it! I'll talk!" The woman cut in, waving her free arm about. There was no telling what further damage these crazy chicks would do if they cut the cheese again! She had no choice!
"You got me. I know the guy, alright? Classy looking, full of himself! He does his dealings here, but out back!" she sharply pointed towards a door that was a few paces away from the counter. "For the record, I'm not even affiliated with him, he just came here one day wanting to use my establishment for his...business. Then he gives me a cut of his profits as thanks. In fact, he's due to come around in a few minutes."
"Good enough. Your help is appreciated." The redhead said with a smile that was almost mocking for the barkeep. "We shall be on our way."
The disgruntled woman's eyes followed the three as they strut past her and towards the backdoor, catching a glance at their big fat rears, leaving her to deal with the aftermath of their horrific fart. Tables and chairs were blown aside. Food and drink were painting parts of the wall. Even the windows were busted and the front door blown off. She was the only one left conscious as the thugs downwind were passed out in a heap before her.
The Jiggle Butt Gang had prepared their stakeout, having perched themselves on the roof of the bar. From there they had the perfect vantage point to see the alleyway that led to the back of the bar as they laid on their stomachs, their behinds sticking out like big, black molehills. They eventually heard footsteps as someone finally arrived, the light from the bar helping to illuminate their features.
The person they saw was a strange looking man wearing a near completely white ensemble: a white dress shirt, accented by golden buttons, a crisp pair of white pants with white shoes and on his head a large and, of course, white top hat that helped to conceal a mop of dark hair. The only article on him that wasn't white was a magenta cape that hung over his shoulders and fluttered behind him.
"Well, he certainly looks classy." Lucy observed.
"And full of himself." added Cana.
As the man stood there, he pulled an item from his shirt pocket and glanced at it. The item appeared to be a pocket watch. "Pleasantly punctual as always." he spoke out loud to himself.
"So you arrive at last!"
A jolt went through the man's body at the sudden shout that rung through the air. Looking up, he saw three figures leap from the roof of the bar and land in front of him. Upon closer inspection he realized they were a trio of women in tight black suits! He was almost at a loss for words.
"Interesting entrance." the man remarked. "Now, shall we get to business?"
"Unfortunately, we're not your next clients." said Erza.
The man shrugged. "I figured as much. So who are you and what do you want?"
Erza smirked. "Who are we? You can call us-"
"THE JIGGLE BUTT GANG!" the three ladies strike a pose.
The man was nonchalant. "Right... The Jiggle Butt Gang. Well, that answers who you are. To what do I owe the pleasure of this encounter?"
"Wow, this dude's pretty nonchalant." Cana said, baffled.
"I have to be in this line of work." the man said with a smile. "You see a lot of interesting things. As well as, um...interesting people. Such as yourselves."
"Is that some attempt at flattery?" Lucy scoffed.
"Take it however you wish. But I do have a point with this. Seeing a lot of interesting things and people has made me most prepared for any possibility."
Then his smile became sinister. "Like one such possibility of my livelihood being at stake."
Erza gave him a look. "So, you understand why we're here."
"I could hazard a guess. But if I'm correct, whatever could be your grievance with me?"
"The hell does that mean?" spat Cana. "You realize what people are doing with the stuff you sell, right?"
"Then take up your problems with the miscreants who are misusing my precious goods." the man shot back, making it obvious how little he cared. "I'm but a merchant, you see. My job is simply to sell and make my living. I couldn't possibly control what anyone does with my merchandise!"
"I've heard enough!" shouted a now furious Erza, summoning a sword to her hand. "Showing such blatant disregard like this is beyond callous! We shall strike you down here and now!"
She dashed towards the dealer, readying an attack but before Erza could make contact, he grabbed something out of his cloak and immediately threw it on the ground right in front of her. Whatever it was, it exploded into a silver mist and Erza's sword suddenly...vanished?
"What?" the Titania stared at her hands, mystified. But she didn't have enough time to dwell on it as she leapt away from the man who sprang through the mist to swing at her.
"What happened?" asked Lucy.
"That mist." Erza said as she watched the silver mist slowly dissipate. The dealer was seen through it holding something in his hand with a grin. It looked like a silver ball with a... face on it?
"Surprised?" The man chuckled. "I'm always prepared and my wares are matched by none other! That was but a demonstration of my handiwork!"
"Hey, spill it! The hell did you do? Why did Erza's sword disappear all of a sudden?" Cana demanded, but Erza was already slowly putting the pieces together upon seeing the strange ball.
"So you crafted that yourself? From its effects, I can only surmise...you created a miniature version of Face haven't you?"
"Face?!" Lucy and Cana gasped.
The man seemed to be surprised at Erza's near perfect guess. "Well, bravo! Though it's more accurate to say it's an inferior version of Face. Portable but severely lacking in proper range and the effect is weaker. You simply lose your ability for magic for a few minutes at most, but that short time can make all the difference in battle." He took a stance, holding the Face bomb still, and continued with an air of confidence. "I believe I've leveled the playing field for now. If you three want to take me on at once, feel free. I have plenty of tricks left and, thanks to my little surprise, you don't have any magic."
He was most befuddled to see that the Jiggle Butt Gang didn't seem worried. In fact, the three women began to laugh!
"Hahahahahahahaha!"
"Um, what's so funny?"
"Your hubris is what's humorous!" said Erza. "Listen well! We've no need of magic to combat the likes of a cad like you! The true power of the Jiggle Butt Gang lies in... this!" In an instant, Erza turned about, bending over to stick out her big butt.
"It's time to drop our load, ladies! Ready?"
"Ready!" Jiggle Butt Cana and Jiggle Butt Lucy join Erza on either side, their bulbous, bulging buttocks sandwiched hers as they rubbed their rears together.
"GAS-BUTT TRIPLE...ECSTASY!"
A veritable tsunami of foul mustard gas stormed through the alley with an unholy brand of stench that only the righteous rumps of the Jiggle Butt Gang could produce. But while the smell was the defining factor of this triple ripper, the power was another thing! There was so much wind force that a myriad of other items were blown out of the dealer's cloak, as well as the very hat from his head, all while he struggled against the gale.
When the gas had passed, he was naught more than a staggering mess.
"Ug...ughh...guh..."
"Now do you realize our true power?" asked Erza with a smirk while she stood triumphantly with her comrades.
"I... must admit that's quite the...crude technique." the man choked out, visibly wincing. His nose felt as if it was on fire and it was likely the smell clung to his pristine clothes, not that he could tell otherwise. "I should've known there was more to you three than simply having oversized...ugh..." he couldn't finish his next sentence as he began to retch.
"That's right!" shouted Lucy, pointing a finger at him. "You've been thoroughly gassed! Ready to surrender?"
The now frustrated and thoroughly humiliated dealer began to dig into his cloak. "I can't go down like this...huh?" His motions became increasingly frantic, as if he was unable to find whatever he was looking for. Which was indeed the case.
"Nothing. I have nothing..." he finally mumbled, defeated.
"Nothing, hm? Then allow me to give you something!" Jiggle Butt Erza launched herself sky-high. The man was distracted from his futile sulking when Erza's butt dropped hard on his face!
Lucy and Cana watched with bated breath. They knew what was coming next!
"Have a Point-Blank Ecstasy!"
The next day a troop of Holy Knights entered the now empty bar, empty save for the barkeeper mulling about at her usual place behind the counter, looking very beat. Compared to last night, the bar looked much neater. It was clear she had spent the rest of her night painstakingly tidying up everything after the absolute wreck the Jiggle Butt Gang left it in, though she had to make do with having the empty windows boarded up and the doorway left doorless.
She was so worn down, in fact, that she barely acknowledged the knights that entered until one of them approached. He had more ornate armor on and a neatly trimmed ash white moustache. One would likely assume he was the commander of the troop.
"Good morning, madam. Excuse the intrusion, but we are here to retrieve a person of interest in regards to the spread of suspicious and illegal magic items and weapons through the land."
"...huh...?" the woman seemed too out of it to even register what the commander had said. Realizing this, he took out what looked to be a wanted poster and handed it to her. Seeing the bounty on the dealer certainly woke her up.
"As you can see, this is a very serious case. We were informed by a source that the person in question is here and is to be apprehended." the commander explained.
"Really now." said the barkeep, her attention fully on the many zeros.
"Ma'am?"
"Yeah, yeah, he's out back, door's right there." she pointed in the general direction, her eyes still on the poster.
"Indeed." the commander motioned to the knights and they set off.
"So this bounty here." the woman changed the subject. "Since the perp was caught in my bar, does that mean the money goes to my establishment?"
"Unfortunately, ma'am, no. I'm afraid you'll be coming with us as well and this bar of yours will have to be shut down."
The barkeep finally tore her eyes away from the poster, staring wide eyed at the commander. "Say what?"
"Yes, our source also informed us that you were a willing accomplice to the suspect's crimes. I'm sure you'll come peacefully without any funny business?"
The woman grit her teeth in frustration, uttering a spiteful "...crap."
