Devils Lose at Home.
After four wins in a row, the Devils completely crashed against Carolina. Despite Rizzoli continuing to produce, they once again suffered from unnecessary penalties. Carolina scored two power play goals before first intermission, and continued to score in the second period. Coach Landers wasn't happy about the game, but will not blame it on lack of focus.
"I know personally how easy it is to lose focus on the last games before the holidays. But I also know these girls work hard every day and keep their focus. We did not play good tonight, and the penalties have to take a lot of the blame. I see progress in our penalty kill but we still need to move our feet quicker, think smarter and keep our focus. It's definitely something we're working on continuously."
They will have five days to regain their focus and energy before Denver comes to a visit. In the last game before Christmas, Rizzoli will have to face her old team again. If the last meeting was any indication, it will be another physically tough game.
The locker room was silent when coach Landers entered. Jane was frozen in her spot, staring down at the floor and biting her lip. She only glanced up when she saw Maura enter in the corner of her eye, but returned her eyes back to the floor.
"I know you're angry, sad, frustrated, pissed off" coach Landers started, but no one looked up. "And you're allowed to be. Let it out before you leave this room. Then go home, relax, play with your dogs, kids, lovers, whatever. Cause it was just a game. We didn't lose anything but a game. If we had won, it wouldn't have made a difference. It's not like there was a playoff spot on the line. So be angry and pissed off, but tomorrow we'll start preparing for the next game. Just like usual. So get it out of your system tonight."
He left the room and the silence returned. Jane leaned her head against the wall and looked over at Maura who was still standing by the door, patiently waiting. It was routine, after a loss no one wanted to talk and they didn't care about any injury they might have. And Maura didn't bother anyone until someone finally returned back to life. This time it was Heather who stood up and yanked off her jersey. "Yeah, we played like shit, let every little setback bother us and we were crushed."
She threw her jersey towards the hamper in the middle of the room. "But coach is right. It was just a game. A meaningless game. Of course it would be perfect to win the last two games before Christmas and start the new year with six wins in a row. But that didn't happen. So get over it. We have one fucking huge game left. Home in Boston, where we're gonna give the fans our jerseys after the game. I want to give mine away and know that I did my very best until the very end. So get it out and get it over with. Because you are all gonna be giving your very best in that game."
Heather sat back down and untied her skates. And eventually someone else did the same. One by one they came back to life and jerseys were thrown into the middle of the room. But Jane didn't move. She was still punishing herself, going over the mistakes she had done throughout the game. Yeah, she had scored, but she had also been the reason for Carolina's first goal. During a power play she had made the wrong call and tried to make a pass across the ice. She basically gave away the puck, and it ended with a short-handed goal to Carolina. After that it all went downhill. She let that one incident affect her play, and she never recovered.
"Jane, let it go" Heather encouraged next to her.
She finally snapped out of the haze and sighed. Her jersey was thrown in the hamper and she quickly removed her skates and all protective equipment. Not even remembering that Maura was there, she undressed and headed for the shower. She just wanted to get away. After a quick shower she got dressed almost on autopilot until she pulled her favorite t-shirt over her head. It struck her by surprise when she realized she had no idea where she wanted to go. Her apartment was lonely and cold and was not a place she wanted to be. She sat down and looked down on her faded, torn jeans. Usually she would call Danielle. She was in the middle of arguing with herself when Maura stopped in front of her.
"Are you okay, Jane?"
Jane looked up and nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Maura didn't prod further, but gently squeezed Jane's shoulder before she walked away. Jane watched as Maura walked out of the locker room and out of sight, still feeling the touch on her shoulder. It bugged her, or rather annoyed her, that every little thing that woman did, left such an imprint on her. She could point to every part of her body that Maura had once touched, and it always made her both confused and terrified.
Without a word she grabbed her bag and marched out of the room. Her amazingly steady feet lead her down the hallway and her mind was focused on only one thing. The one thing she knew for sure she wanted. The doctor stood in front of her desk with a file in her hands and turned around startled as Jane dropped her bag to the floor and closed the door behind her with a fierce shove. Jane saw how Maura's lips parted as she was about to speak, but Jane had already crossed the room and didn't stop until she was mere inches away. She ripped the file out of Maura's hands and threw it carelessly away. Sheets scattered across the floor as Maura looked into Jane's eyes.
"I'm not okay" Jane whispered and slid one hand behind Maura's neck, drowning her fingers in soft curls. She noticed Maura's shaky breath right before their lips met. Jane gripped the hip with her available hand and stepped closer, pushing Maura against the desk. She moved her lips against Maura's, waiting for a reaction. The doctor had been perfectly motionless from the first touch, and Jane's thoughts were a complete chaos. She wasn't sure about anything anymore except the lips against hers.
Lips that were not moving.
Jane was about to let go of the doctor's lips when Maura finally pushed herself closer to Jane. Arms slipped around a slim waist, hands moved to a silk covered back. Maura crashed against Jane's lips with an intensity that had been well hidden.
She wasn't sure if she was happy or sad when they slowed down, making it more about the intimacy than the raw passion, but Jane held onto it. Maura was the one who finally pulled back and gently pushed Jane away. "No… we can't. We can't do this."
Refusing to let her go, Jane grabbed Maura's hand as she was about to slip away. "Yes we can" she argued and closed the distance again.
"Jane…" It was a low mumble as Maura looked down. "Please don't."
The sadness in the voice surprised her, and Jane froze. Something inside her told her to take a step back, and she realized Danielle had been right all along, she didn't want to hurt this woman. Without a word she let go of Maura and walked over to the door. She slowly picked up her bag before she looked back at Maura. "You're wrong." Knowing she wouldn't receive a reply, Jane stepped out of the room and went home.
Danielle
Dec 14th 7:39pm
You home?
Danielle
Dec 14th 9:12pm
Hey. I know you're online, what's up?
Danielle
Dec 14th 9:24pm
What the hell Jane, you ignoring me?
Danielle
Dec 15th 11:34am
It's been a whole fucking day! Only excuse for ignoring me is if you're in bed with a certain blonde. But come on, let her catch her breath for a minute.
Danielle
Dec 15h 2:54pm
Fine. You leave me no choice.
Even though she was exhausted, Jane stayed behind on the ice after practice. She didn't want to risk running into Maura, or even see her, and she knew the doctor would certainly not be anywhere near the ice. After everyone had left she skated around just enjoying the silence. She went over the kiss, again and again in her mind, trying to understand what sort of mess she had gotten herself into, again. Her emotions went from complete confusion, to sadness and even anger.
She suddenly noticed someone up in the stands making their way down to the benches, and Jane sighed when she recognized her friend. It shouldn't have surprised her, because she knew Danielle didn't give up, especially not when she was ignored by Jane.
"Are you going to talk to me or do I have to beat it out of you?" Danielle asked and climbed over the short wall near the end of the tunnel.
"There's nothing to talk about" Jane replied.
A loud scoff echoed in the hall, and Danielle leaned against the board. "It's like you think I don't know you at all. But fine, I can use my skills to figure this out."
Jane ignored the baiting and kept her focus on the ice.
"It's probably not about the game the other day, cause then you'd be pissed and angry. And you'd be hitting that puck so hard it would go through the wall."
Jane took a shot at the puck just for the fun of it, but Danielle ignored it.
"So I'm thinking this is about something else, and you know I will say it out loud if I have to."
"Just drop it, Dani."
"You're such an ass sometimes. I'm not dropping it. We're gonna talk. You know I don't give up." No reply, and Danielle took a deep breath. "Fine, your choice. If this is about what I think it's about, then you are in way more trouble than you ever thought, or something has happened. Hell, maybe it's both. Something happened and you realized that I was actually right from the beginning, and you're in deep trouble. I have two theories. One: something really happened, and two; you found out something that turned you into a sad, little puppy."
Jane slammed her stick on the ice, almost breaking it. "Will you shut the fuck up?!" she yelled before she rushed over to Danielle. "Are you trying to make me punch you?"
Completely unaffected, Danielle just smiled. "See, this is the Rizzoli I expected to see after the game. So why are you so pissed off two days later?"
Jane stepped off the ice, almost furious, and marched down the tunnel and towards the locker room. "I hate you."
"And?" Danielle fished and had to jog to keep up with Jane.
"And you're a fucking pain in the ass. Meet me at the Robber."
When she entered the Robber she immediately spotted Danielle in their favorite booth, with a smug smile on her face. Jane sighed, but stopped by the bar first where her mother was blabbing away with a customer. "Hey Ma."
"Oh, hi honey! How was practice?" Angela excused herself to the customer and turned to Jane. "Have you eaten yet?"
Jane smiled for the first time that day. Somehow she'd missed being bombarded with questions before she could even open her mouth to answer the first. "No, why I came here."
Angela leaned her elbows on the counter and smiled. "What do you want?"
"A big bowl of pasta" Jane replied and slightly raised her eyebrows.
Her mother squinted at her. "Empty carbs, Jane."
"Fine… and some chicken and salad. And a soda. Better?"
"Better" her mother laughed and found a bottle of soda right away. "I guess Danielle is waiting for you, so I'll get started."
"Thanks." She smiled and grabbed the bottle before she headed towards Danielle. She sat down, back against the wall and rested her feet on the seat. Not really sure where to start, she stalled by taking a slow sip of her soda. Danielle was patiently waiting, and for a brief moment Jane hated that side of her friend. She could sit there and wait for Jane to talk until the sun went down. So Jane sighed and leaned her head against the wall. "She turned me down."
Danielle's bottle of beer was on its way to her lips, but stopped in mid-air. "What?"
"She shot me down."
Bottle was slowly lowered down to the table again. "After you did what?"
"Kissed her."
"You kissed her?"
Jane nodded, growing more curious about Danielle's calm appearance.
"And she turned you down?"
"Yeah, eventually." A hand reached over the table and slapped her hard on the arm. "Ow, what the hell?" Jane burst out and rubbed her arm.
"Eventually?! Dammit Jane, I'm not gonna spend hours dragging every little detail out of you, so talk!"
The calmness vanished with the flip of a coin, and Jane smiled briefly at the very frustrated face in front of her. But she knew when not to push it, so she started talking and gave a short rundown of what had transpired in the office that day.
"Well" Danielle sighed and leaned back. "She did kiss you back. That's gotta count for something, right?"
"You'd think… I actually tried to kiss her again, but she wouldn't let me. And, you were right, I don't want to hurt her."
"Of course I was right. So what are you gonna do?"
Jane shook her head and exhaled slowly. "I don't know. I probably shouldn't do anything at all. But… damn, I want her. I really want her. And it bugs me that she can just tell me to stop and I listen to her! When have I ever done that? If a girl kisses me back, I certainly won't stop!"
"No arguments here" Danielle said and raised her hands. "But why do you want her? Is it just for fooling around, or are you actually falling for her?"
The question silenced Jane and she stared at her feet. Danielle was patient, knowing that if Jane took her time like that, it would be a serious answer.
"But…" Jane sighed eventually. "How do you really know when you're falling for somebody? You can't just point to one thing and go, 'yeah, I'm falling for her'. It's just confusing."
"I know" Danielle smiled. "It's a mess. You have nothing that clearly states how you feel. But can I help you figure out something, with some questions?"
Jane eyed Danielle over the table. "As long as it doesn't involve questions like 'how do you feel?' then fine."
Danielle took a sip of her beer before she leaned her arms on the table and looked Jane straight in the eyes. "If she showed up at your place one night, would you sleep with her if she wanted it?"
"Yeah" Jane replied instantly.
"Okay. Would you let her spend the night?"
Jane nodded.
"So the next day, what if she wants to stay for breakfast? And suggests she can give you a ride to the rink?"
"I should probably make her breakfast if I let her stay, right?"
Danielle grinned and shook her head. "I'm asking the questions here, Rizzoli."
"Fine" Jane mumbled. "She can stay."
"Okay. So let's say you're at practice, you get hurt and end up in her office. All alone, just the two of you. And she asks if you want to come to her place for dinner that night. Would you go?"
Jane was starting to see where all this was headed, but she couldn't make herself stop answering either, she wanted to know. "You know just as well as I do that I would go…"
"True" Danielle smiled. "But here's the twist. What if she didn't want to sleep with you that night? What if she invited you to dinner because she wanted to spend time with you outside the ice, and take it from there? Would you be okay with it?"
"That sounds an awful lot like dating…"
"Jane… that's not an answer."
"Fine!" Jane swung her feet down from the seat and faced Danielle. "You've made your point. I'm obviously falling for her… happy now?" She sighed and ran her hands over her face.
"Kinda happy" Danielle smiled. "Are you?"
Jane rested her elbows on the table and kept rubbing her face. "Happy that I'm falling for my doctor? No. Happy that I'm falling for Maura…" She stopped and looked at Danielle. "Sort of. But, I mean… I've just created a whole new mess!" Her hands fell down on the table, barely avoiding Danielle's bottle. "I gotta go back there tomorrow and face her. Then the day after that, and the next!"
"Hey, relax." Danielle moved her bottle out of danger before placing her hands on Jane's arms. "It's not like the world just went under. You just kissed her."
Jane scoffed and looked away.
"So what? That has never hurt anyone before. So it might be a bit awkward to see her again, but you can solve it without too much trouble. Tell her you were upset and emotional after the game. She'll probably understand. And remember, it's just one more game before the Christmas break. You'll have plenty of time to figure things out."
"Oh god, I forgot about the fucking game. But sure, let's throw Sarah into this whole shit and just make me more insane." Jane's head slowly fell down to the table.
Danielle smiled when Jane couldn't see her. She had forgotten about Denver coming to town for the last game before the holidays too. "Or just survive this and we'll get completely wasted after the game. No matter the outcome."
"Thanks for the horrible attempt at making me feel better" Jane mumbled into the table. "But I could really use those beers now."
"How about food instead? You might wanna sit up, cause your mother's on her way over here" Danielle said low when she saw Angela emerging from the kitchen.
Jane sat up and sighed. "I should've become a nun instead."
