The road trip continued to Texas where they completely stumbled on the ice and lost. After the game, many of the players and staff gathered for dinner at the hotel, and Jane was practically forced by Heather. Nicole couldn't escape either. It wasn't that Jane didn't like these dinners, she usually did, but after playing a horrible game and losing, she didn't feel like being social. The fact that Maura was there as well, made it both better and worse. At least Jane could rest her eyes on the doctor once in a while, but at the same time she couldn't stop her thoughts from opening the box of questions.
She used the loss for whatever it was worth, and stayed silent through the dinner. She knew no one would find it suspicious. Her chat with Danielle the night before had almost pushed her to a decision, almost. It was still terrifying to think of the possible outcomes if she confronted Maura with everything, but she also knew she couldn't keep sweeping things under the carpet for much longer. They still had a lot of games left in the season, which meant a lot of days where she would be around Maura, and the chance of getting injured was still there for every single game. If there was one thing worse than her current state, it would be an injury requiring follow ups in Maura's office, in the gym, heck, even in the pool!
Jane shook her head and sighed while she reached for her glass. 'Please God, don't let me end up needing rehab in the pool.' She slowly sipped on her water while her eyes trailed across the table only to be met by hazel ones. Jane reached three Mississippi's before the doctor looked away and tried to focus on a conversation next to her.
That was it. Jane set down her glass and quickly excused herself before getting up. She almost threw her napkin on the seat of her chair and walked out of the restaurant. She needed air. They weren't supposed to steal glances like that anymore, they were supposed to be professionals, leave everything else behind. Jane covered her face in her hands and took a deep breath before she let her fingers run through her hair. Could she really do this? Could she face Maura and ask her all those burning questions and still keep her cool?
People were scattered when Jane returned to the restaurant ten minutes later, some had left and some had relocated to the bar, including the doctor. Jane stood still and watched Maura, patiently waiting for eye contact. When it came, she walked over to the bar with unsteady feet and stopped next to her. "Hi… do you have a minute? Or five…?"
Maura studied Jane's face in search for a clue before she cocked her head. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah…" Jane rushed before she looked around. "I was just wondering if we could… talk."
"Oh." Maura seemed to find the clue and smiled. "Of course." She got up from her chair and took a final sip of her wine. "Do you want to take a walk?"
Jane sighed and nodded relieved. "Yeah… thanks."
They walked in silence out of the restaurant and through the lobby of their hotel. The air outside was still warm from a day's worth of sun, and Jane let Maura choose their direction.
"What is on your mind?" Maura asked as they reached the corner of the block and crossed the road.
Jane took her time, carefully going over the words in her head first. "I was hoping we could clear some things up… As you probably know by now, I'm not really good at keeping my emotions in place, and…" Despite preparing herself, Jane trailed off. She shoved her hands in her pockets and stared down at the ground.
Maura didn't seem neither surprised nor frustrated by the mention of their past. Instead she looked at Jane and softly smiled. "We can do that. Anything specific in mind?"
Once again Jane took her time. She went through the questions she had, like a list, stopping at one that seemed the least frightening. "Are you doing okay now? I mean... did that change of scenery help?"
"It did. It felt good to leave the snow and cold behind. I believe I spent the first few days on the beach. Defrosting myself."
Jane smiled and was surprised by the light tone in Maura's voice.
"Of course it wasn't really warm enough for sunbathing, but it was better than Boston. I could get used to the sun and the warm weather in the west."
Jane's thoughts went straight back to the day she and Nicole spent sightseeing in LA, where she had complained more than once about the sun.
Maura cleared her throat. "I appreciate you asking, Jane. It was nice of you."
They walked on in silence while Jane tried to get the next question to slip from her lip. They approached a small park with a few benches and Maura gestured to one of them like a question. Jane just nodded and let Maura guide her once again. "I… realized a while back that… you never wore a ring." They sat down, a comfortable space between them. "At least I can't remember you wearing one."
"I didn't" Maura answered easily. "It was impractical considering my job. I tried in the beginning, but I had to take it off several times a day as it got stuck in the gloves. And after I misplaced it the third day, he agreed that it was best to leave it at home…"
Jane softly chuckled. "Yeah, maybe that was for the best. At least for his wallet…" She caused a smile on Maura's lips, and for a second it didn't feel weird that they were joking about it. For just a short second, it felt like they were just two normal people. But as soon as the second passed, Jane became nervous again. The silence was uncomfortable, and she knew she was the one who wanted this talk. It was her job to actually talk. "I'm really sorry for showing up that night and ruining everything…" She looked down at her hands and started fidgeting. "I had no right."
Maura moved on the spot and faced Jane. "Jane, I know I said a lot of mean things before I left. But you didn't ruin my relationship with Ryan. I know I said so, but it was not true. You simply brought some things into the light for me."
"How?" Jane asked confused and looked at Maura.
"For over a year, I asked him to go with me to all the events regarding the team. The dinners, the barbeque parties. But he refused. He said he would feel out of place, that he would have nothing in common with a bunch of young girls playing hockey. And in some ways, it made sense. He hates sports. Well, except golf."
"Golf isn't a sport" Jane scoffed before she managed to stop herself. "Sorry" she whispered.
Maura simply smiled. "I didn't really give it much thought until I got to know you and you told me about your friend. You said you could always talk to her about hockey, she would always understand and she would never get bored."
Jane barely remembered the casual conversation she and Maura had had one day on a road trip.
"Ryan never understood when I told him about my day. He never cared about my job or the people I worked with. He didn't understand why I had to travel with the team all the time." Maura stopped to take a deep breath. "I didn't realize the effects it had on our relationship and our possible future. I can't plan my future with someone who doesn't care about a big part of my life. And unfortunately, I didn't see that until… you got caught in the middle." She looked away and focused on the people walking by across the street.
It took a few moments before Jane managed to gather her thoughts. "But why didn't you tell me about him?"
Maura slowly shook her head. "I'm not sure. Maybe I didn't think it would turn out the way it did. I've even asked myself if I was subconsciously trying to destroy the relationship. I still don't know. I just never thought I was capable of… cheating on someone."
"I would've stayed away if I knew…"
"I know" Maura almost whispered. "I should have told you, and I apologize for that. It wasn't fair to you. You didn't know and I don't blame you for what you did."
Jane met Maura's eyes before she smiled softly. "It's okay." They both turned their attention to some birds looking for food not too far away. "We really made a mess out of that…"
Maura nodded and leaned back. "I must admit I am in some way glad it did happen. I am not so sure I would have seen my relationship for what it was if you hadn't come barging into my life…" She tried to soften the comment with a smile.
"Well then…" Jane had to clear her throat to hide the nervousness. "Glad I could help…" She didn't really mean it, at least not like that, but Maura couldn't possible have said what Jane thought she had said?
"Does this mean you are no longer mad at me?"
Jane had to laugh at how Maura's question was layered in hope. She turned to Maura only to find a pair of equally hopeful eyes. "Yeah, I guess so." Their eyes locked and for several seconds, Jane struggled to look away. She still had one very important question that was burning on the tip of her tongue, but she knew she wasn't ready to ask yet. One of the two possible answers was too scary.
"Good. And just so you are aware, I am not mad at you. I'm glad we got to clear the air between us."
"How do you do it?" Jane blurted out and got a confused look back. "I mean…" She took a deep breath. "Don't take this the wrong way, but this seems so easy for you. I've been dreading this for days now, and you just…" She couldn't even find the right word and shrugged.
Maura smiled and lifted her arm. She was about to move her hand to Jane's arm when she changed her mind. "I'm used to talking about my feelings."
Jane studied the face next to her and thought she could see a slight grin. "Did you just make fun of me?" she asked and pretended to be offended.
Maura broke out into a huge smile. "Perhaps."
"Oh my god" Jane laughed. "Okay… fine… You're probably right."
"But joking aside." Maura breathed out to follow her own words. "I was ready to talk about this. I just wasn't sure if you were. After all, I was the one who asked you to not talk about…"
Jane sensed what word was about to follow, and judging from the sudden halt in Maura's otherwise flowing speech, she knew she was right. The light, teasing mood was gone in the blink of an eye. They had just approached the topic of 'feelings' and it was the final question on Jane's list. A topic she was not at all ready to explore. Even though she was aching to know if Maura still felt something, she was too scared to find out. No matter what Maura would say, it would mean the beginning of something new. Either a major change or a disappointing return to normal life, whatever that was. And Jane knew she wouldn't be able to handle that as well. Not now, not today. And probably not for a while. "I am glad we talked… but is it okay if we head back now? I'm kinda beat after the game…"
Maura nodded and slowly got up. "Of course. I imagine you need some rest."
Jane got up as well and they started the short walk back to their hotel in silence. At least they hadn't wandered too far.
"I'm glad you asked to talk, Jane" Maura said as they were entering the hotel and set course for the elevators.
Jane could only nod.
"Now go get some rest so you're ready for the flight tomorrow." Maura finally found the courage to put her hand on Jane's arm when they stopped in front of the elevators, if only for a moment.
"I will" Jane said softly and her head instantly made a mental note of the touch; where and how long. It was a habit she couldn't control any more. She pushed the up button a few times, imagining the elevator would arrive sooner.
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
As the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Maura smiled and turned around, heading for the restaurant. Jane watched her leave and wished she could've joined the doctor. Maybe even kept her company for a while.
It was the night before their game against San Diego, and after a long week, the coaching staff had arranged for a bonfire at the beach. They were all seated in a big circle, and as the darkness fell around them, stories began to surface. Coach Landers started it all with a story from his active days, and it continued around the fire. Many of them had heard most of the stories before except for Jane and Nicole who were both pretty new on the team. After a series of stories and a lot of laughter, coach Landers stood up and cleared his throat.
"I just wanted to say a few things. Despite ups and downs, you've been really doing a great job on the ice lately. Especially home in Boston. And since we're out here in the west, I thought I'd tell you a story that happened right here in San Diego. Most of you know I used to play with Denver's coach when I was young, and he had one special story for me the last time I talked with him."
Jane sighed when coach Landers looked at her and smiled. She knew what was coming. She knew what game he was referring to, she remembered that game like it was yesterday. As she looked up, she saw several of the girls looking at her, including Maura who seemed really excited about whatever coach Landers was about to tell them. Of course they all knew it was about her.
"So, yes, Rizzoli has had her moments, that is embarrassing moments of course" coach Landers continued. "And if I remember this right it was one of the last games of your rookie season?" He looked at Jane who nodded. "Yes. So, Denver is here in San Diego trailing by a goal, it's the end of the first period and Denver is really pressuring San Diego in their own zone. Rizzoli is in the middle of the action, like always, and is battling in front of the net. Denver has a few really close calls and several of their players are jabbing away near the goalie until San Diego gets it out of danger."
Jane smiled while she pictured the whole scene in her head. It had been a really exciting game, and especially first period, with a bunch of chances and gasps going through the crowd.
"Now here's where it gets tricky for Rizzoli. She's lost her stick, and while everyone else is clearing the zone, Jane is left behind. Why? Because her stick has somehow tangled itself in the goalie's pads. She picks it up and starts skating off. What she didn't know, was that the blade was so wrapped up in the straps or pads or whatever, that it was seriously stuck!"
Smiles were starting to grow wider around Jane.
"So what does Rizzoli do? She pulls at the stick. And literally wipes the goalie off her feet!"
Everyone laughed and Jane looked over at Maura who was looking back at her.
"And now everyone has cleared the zone and are in Denver's zone, so it's really a 5 on 4 play. So the referee decides to help out! Rizzoli doesn't know what to do, the goalie is down on the ice, pissed and is yelling at her, and the referee isn't sure if he should stop the play or not. But he probably thought that Jane would head to the bench and change or get a new stick. But no. She stays behind and wants her damn stick back!"
Jane felt heat spreading in her face but laughed along with the rest of the girls.
"Just as Rizzoli is about to head for the bench without her stick, San Diego scores."
A collective 'awww' was heard around the fire.
"The goalie isn't pissed anymore, Jane is gliding over to the bench without a stick and the whole team is looking at her thinking 'what the fuck were you doing?'. That's seriously a walk of shame! And of course it was being filmed. I'm sure you can find it on youtube. If not, let me know and I'll give Denver a call!" Coach Landers sat back down as laughter roared all around.
Nicole was playfully punching her arm, her whole team was laughing and looking at her, but Jane could only focus on Maura who was laughing but with a comforting look in her eyes. Jane waited a few seconds before she stood up and cleared her throat. "Thank you very much, coach" she said as the laughter started to fade. "But you forgot the most impressive part of that story."
"Oh, did I?" coach Landers asked innocently.
"Oh yeah" Jane grinned. "It's true that San Diego scored on that play and was up 2-0. But what you failed to mention was that we won 3-2. I scored my first hat-trick in that game."
Laughter was quickly replaced with cheering and Jane sat down again with a confident nod to her coach.
"Alright, alright, that is pretty impressive" coach Landers agreed. "But I have to say it anyway: please don't lose your stick tomorrow!"
Jane laughed and knew they could go back and forth the rest of the night and decided to let him have the last word. She felt like she had won anyway.
