A/N - This chapter is pretty sad. There are most likely going to be two more pretty sad chapters after this one. So if you are not interested in a relatively lengthy meditation on the grieving process and what Gray means to the other Fairy Tail wizards, the fic should get more plotty again at chapter eight, and that is when things (somewhat) start to turn around for these guys.
It comes up briefly during this chapter, but my version of Jellal has epilepsy due to the years of brainwashing, torture, memory loss, etc. It isn't important in this chapter but comes up again later on, which is why I am mentioning it here.
Jellal, and by extension the whole group, was losing the fight. His magical wall had shrunk as he'd been pushed backwards, closer to the forest, and it was drawing most of his energy to keep up what was left. Soon, he would have to drop it, if he wanted to conserve any magical power at all, and attack with whatever he had left.
He was raising shaky hands, ready to input the code needed to dismiss the wall, when the enemies…stopped coming. There was a horrible second where he was sure that it was a trick, but then the shadowy army turned as one, retreating backwards up the hill.
They'd done it. Jellal canceled the wall with a wave of his hand and staggered forward with relief, almost unable to believe they'd won.
And then, he heard Natsu scream. It was a long, ragged sound, and it stopped Jellal's breathing before he even turned around.
As soon as they'd gotten word that Gray had been injured, Jellal had been steadily retreating towards the forest. Now, he was close enough to the others that when he turned, he could see Gray in Natsu's arms.
But that wasn't it. He was too still. Jellal felt his eyes widen, and for a moment, he was frozen. He'd been around death enough to recognize the difference between an unconscious person and a corpse. Even from this distance.
Suddenly, the army's retreat made sense. Gray had been the only real threat to Magnus. He was gone, and so there was no point in fighting any longer.
Jellal was too far to make out the look on Natsu's face, but he didn't need to. He could hear him screaming.
Jellal was running now. He hadn't thought that he had enough energy, after the battle. Maybe he didn't. The fatigue from the fight had disappeared, replaced all over with a chilling kind of numbness. He didn't really feel tired anymore. He didn't really feel anything.
By the time he reached the group in the forest, Natsu had stopped screaming. He was cradling Gray's body, his face buried in Gray's hair. His shoulders were shaking. Jellal thought he was crying, but it wasn't loud enough for him to be sure.
That was surprising. Natsu didn't do anything quietly. It must not have fully hit him yet, either. He didn't know if that was better, or worse.
Lucy was sitting behind him, one hand on Natsu's shoulder. Her bangs had fallen over her eyes, but the tears on her face were obvious, even from this distance. Erza was standing a little bit behind Lucy, her face hard and blank. When Jellal approached, her eyes flickered up to him. She looked hopeless, and Jellal had to look away.
Happy was at Natsu's other side. He was sitting on the ground. For a second, Jellal couldn't figure out what he was doing down there, and he was confused.
Then, he realized Happy had placed one small paw on Gray's limp hand, and he was shaking with silent sobs.
"We aren't going to need the extraction anymore," Erza said. Her voice sounded strangely loud, but Jellal didn't think it was. She wasn't crying. "There's…there's nothing to extract. And we can't risk it - Magnus could still be close enough to brainwash Fairy Tail if they show up here."
"Erza…," Lucy whispered. Jellal didn't know what she was planning to say. She didn't finish her sentence.
Erza started walking towards Jellal, cutting a wide berth around Natsu. "I'll contact Fairy Tail in a moment. And we need someone to keep track of that sword. I'm not sure how much power it will still have without…. We can't risk it getting in one of our heads, and we certainly can't risk a wound from it. We should wrap it in a cloth or something, just to be safe."
Erza came to stand beside Jellal. She reached out to grab his arm. Then, she started digging her fingernails into the flesh of his bicep, so hard he almost pulled away before he realized how badly she must need this. Her voice was still completely steady. "Jellal, I hate to ask you to do this, but please keep an eye on the retreating armies while we figure everything out. The last thing we need is a surprise attack right now."
Her grip tightened even more painfully. Jellal took a small breath, and nodded solemnly.
He looked back, as instructed, and saw Wendy and Loke running towards them.
"What's going on?" Wendy asked. "I heard Warren say there was going to be an extraction, but then everyone just kind of left, and I wasn't sure what-"
"Gray died," Jellal said.
Wendy's eyes immediately filled with tears, and her breath caught.
"That's impossible," Loke said flatly. Then, Jellal saw his eyes flick towards Natsu. His face paled. His jaw tightened. He walked towards Lucy, bending down to sit behind her. He put his arm around her, bowing his head until it was almost resting in her hair. He stayed silent, but Jellal saw as his tears began to fog up his glasses.
Beside him, Jellal heard Erza start speaking into her lacrima, explaining in hushed words that the extraction would no longer be needed, that Gray was gone.
"No," Wendy gasped. "No, that's not possible! No!"
As Wendy's voice rose in anguish, Erza's fingers dug in once again. Wendy came toward Jellal, tears pouring down her face. She was almost screaming now. "Let me through to him! Let me see him! I know I can fix him! Let me see him, please, I can heal him still, please, he can't really be dead…."
"There's no point," Jellal said. At best, Wendy would simply waste her magical energy trying to heal a corpse. At worst, she could give Natsu false hope. Even as distant as this whole situation felt right now, that was far too horrible to contemplate.
Wendy shoved her way forward, trying to get past Jellal. Instinctively, he stepped in front of her, tearing his arm away from Erza as he did so. The still-dulled pain receptors in his brain quietly told him that he'd left a fair amount of skin under her fingernails, but he couldn't really feel it.
"Stop," Jellal told her, placing himself between her and Natsu, trying to hide Gray's body with his own.. "You're too late. There's nothing you can do."
Wendy's jaw set, and Jellal half-expected her to try to shove him out of the way. Instead, she screamed loud enough to set his ears ringing, and punched him squarely in the jaw.
It hurt, even through the fog around him. Jellal was big, much bigger than Wendy, but he was utterly drained, both physically and emotionally speaking. The Dragon Slayer's punch knocked him backwards, and he staggered a few steps away from her, his hand going to his face.
"Stop, please." Erza. She was standing between them, one hand on Jellal's chest, one hand extended out towards Wendy. "Don't…don't do this. Not right now."
Jellal didn't respond. He hadn't meant to do anything. He had no idea what any of them were supposed to be doing, not anymore.
Erza stepped away from him, towards Wendy. The Dragon Slayer had stopped trying to move towards Gray, but her red-rimmed eyes were wide, and she was trembling. Erza reached out to pull her into a hug, and Wendy buried her face in Erza's shoulder. Jellal heard her start to cry again.
Jellal's legs got shaky. He blinked, and he was on the ground. He didn't remember deciding to sit down, but there wasn't really anything he should be doing that required standing.
Somebody should be checking on Natsu. That was the sort of thing that people did in this situation. Jellal had the vague feeling that it should be Erza, but Wendy was sobbing louder and louder, still in Erza's arms. Mechanically, he turned towards Natsu.
Lucy's head was on Natsu's shoulder, hugging him from behind. One of her arms looked injured, but she didn't appear to notice. Both her arms were wrapped around Natsu, and he could see her crying too.
Jellal knew he should get up, say something. But the world felt distant, and he couldn't bring himself to.
He wouldn't have known what to say anyways.
Lucy was holding Natsu from behind, in a way not all that different from how she'd held Gray maybe fifteen minutes before. She could feel Natsu's back shaking, and she assumed she would have been able to hear him crying except her hearing seemed to be coming and going in waves. She was managing to ignore both her broken arm and the fact that one of her best friends was dead to keep holding onto Natsu, but eventually she was probably going to go into shock or something. She could tell she was already crying, but it felt distant, fake, like it was happening to somebody else.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. She knew she should be saying more, but she wasn't sure what would help. "I'm sorry, Natsu. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…."
Loke's hand was on her shoulder, but that felt like it was happening to someone else too.
"I'm sorry, Natsu. God, Natsu, I'm so sorry…."
From somewhere that seemed far away but probably wasn't, Lucy heard Erza's voice. She was saying they needed to move soon. Go back to Fairy Tail. Lucy didn't even think Erza was talking to her - probably to Jellal or Wendy. But Lucy heard, and knew Erza was right, and she was the one who was in charge of Natsu now so she was the one who would have to get him home.
This horrible, eternal moment of clinging to Gray like he would wake up if they wanted it badly enough, was over. A new horrible, eternal moment was beginning.
"Natsu," Lucy whispered. "We have to go home."
"No," Natsu said. His voice was thick with tears - Lucy didn't think he even knew what he was saying.
"Natsu, we can't stay here. It's dangerous. We need to go home. You need to…you need to let go of Gray. Let someone-"
"No!" Natsu yelled. Then, quieter again, "I can't let go of him, he's hurt, he's hurt, what if he needs me-"
"Natsu…," Lucy whimpered.
She felt Loke let go of her shoulder, and he came around to kneel by Natsu's other side.
"He's gone," Loke said gently. Lucy could tell he was crying, but also trying very, very hard to stay calm. "He's getting cold."
"He's always cold like this," Natsu snarled, pulling Gray more tightly into his chest.
"Natsu, that's not…."
Lucy trailed off, then, as carefully as she could, she grabbed one of Natsu's arms and tried to pull him back from Gray. This, for the first time, actually got Natsu to look at her, and Lucy's breath caught in her throat at the sight of his glossy, red-rimmed eyes.
"Stop!" he cried. "Stop! You don't understand, he's my husband! He's my husband, Lucy, don't take…he'll be…."
Lucy let Natsu's arm slip through her fingers, unable to stop herself. She knew she should be getting Gray away from Natsu, but she didn't know how. And right now, it seemed like Natsu was one wrong move away from shattering completely.
"He's my husband," Natsu whispered, ducking his head until his forehead touched Gray's. "You can't have him."
"We…we won't take him," Lucy promised, trying hard not to think about what she was saying. If she let herself fully realize what had just happened, she wouldn't be any help to Natsu. And he desperately needed her right now. "But Natsu, you need to get up."
"No," Natsu mumbled, but Lucy didn't even really think he'd heard her.
"Natsu…." That was Erza. Lucy looked up to see Erza standing over them. Her eyes were dry, but Lucy knew that the glossy sheen would turn into tears the moment she wasn't using every ounce of energy to hold them back.
"We need to get to the car," Erza said, and now she was talking to Lucy. "The one we came in. I…It's over there."
"Natsu," Lucy whispered, gently pulling on his arm again. His head snapped up, and he growled at her, baring his pointed teeth.
The expression was common among Dragon Slayers, and on Natsu, it had never been particularly threatening. But now, it made Natsu seem a little inhuman, like a wild animal. For a moment, Lucy was scared to touch him.
But this was Natsu, and he needed her. Lucy kept her hand on Natsu's arm and looked straight at him until the growl faded.
"We need to leave," Lucy said softly. She got to her feet, ignoring the sudden rush of pain from her injured arm, and tugged gently at Natsu. If this didn't work, she had no idea what she was supposed to do.
But Natsu followed. He pulled Gray a little closer into him and stood up in a fluid motion that Lucy knew was impossible for anyone but a Dragon Slayer. Gray was a little taller than Natsu, but Natsu was carrying him like it was nothing, curled into his arms.
From here, it really did look like Gray was asleep. He might wake up at any moment, and pull away from Natsu in protest at being carried.
No. Lucy couldn't start thinking like that. Natsu was already lost in that sort of fantasy world, and it wouldn't help anyone if she followed him.
"This way," Erza said, motioning through the trees. She started off through the forest, one hand on Jellal's arm. For a moment, Lucy wondered if Jellal was hurt, but Erza wasn't supporting him. He was supporting her. It looked like her fingers were digging into his arm, but he didn't really seem to notice.
Wendy trailed after the two of them, Carla flying beside her. Lucy had hardly noticed her arrival, but now that she thought about it, she remembered the sound of Wendy screaming.
Loke came to walk beside Lucy as they walked, but he didn't say anything to her, and she didn't speak to him either. She wanted to know if he was still crying, but she was afraid it would make her cry to look.
It took them maybe ten minutes to get to the car. Wendy had enough power left to cast a hasty Troia on Natsu and herself, which Natsu didn't even react to. He just dragged Gray into the car and half-propped him in a seat, holding him up carefully in a way that still seemed horrifyingly lifelike.
As Loke started to follow him into the car, Lucy saw him wince and press a hand to his side.
"What is it?" Lucy said sharply. Her voice sounded oddly loud, even to herself - they'd been almost silent during the walk through the forest.
"Nothing, I-"
Lucy reached out and pulled Loke's jacket aside, which revealed a swath of blood covering most of his side.
"Loke! That's-"
"I'll be alright," he said hollowly. He pressed a hand to his side in a half-hearted attempt to stop the bleeding.
"Go back to the spirit world," Lucy said gently. "We'll…we'll be fine here without you. You need to heal."
Loke just looked at her blankly for a second, and then shook his head. "Not yet."
"Loke, it'll be alright. You need to-"
"Not yet."
When Erza had contacted the Guild Hall with the news, Mirajane had immediately started crying violently. Erza hadn't really known what to do with this, especially not when she was hardly holding it together as it was, so she was somewhat relieved when Makarov took the lacrima from Mira, and started giving Erza instructions instead. Erza could tell that he had been crying too, but he wasn't hysterical, at least.
Makarov had told Erza that if a body needed to be prepared for burial, Porlyusica was the one to do it. Erza hadn't known that. The only dead person she had known in Fairy Tail was Lisanna, and aside from not actually being dead, Lisanna had never been a corpse anyways. Erza had also been young when everything with Lisanna had happened, and not involved in any of the logistics.
But regardless, Erza could bring Gray's body to Porlyusica. That was good - this was a task, and an important one. Erza couldn't let herself feel anything until all the tasks were done. And it was much easier not to feel anything than to feel the overwhelming grief that was threatening to push in on her.
The drive seemed to take an eternity. Erza knew that was impossible, since the journey there had taken them only an hour or so. Besides, she wouldn't have had enough magical energy left to operate an SE plug for that long - she was barely holding on as it was.
It was mostly silent, which Erza knew she should be grateful for. If she had spent an hour and a half driving them home to the soundtrack of Natsu sobbing, she didn't think she could have kept it together.
But the silence was weighing on Erza too. She caught herself holding her breath, waiting for the minute where Natsu would snap and finally realize that he was clutching his husband's body. As the drive went on, she could feel the tension in her shoulders like a physical thing, radiating into a pounding stress headache.
Natsu didn't say a word until Erza had pulled to a stop outside of Porlyusica's cottage. She slid off the SE vehicle, a wave of exhaustion threatening to send her to her knees until she steadied herself on the side. Slowly, the rest of her team climbed out of the vehicle, but Natsu remained in his seat, still holding Gray's body sprawled against his chest.
"Where…why are we here?" he asked quietly. His voice was hoarse, and it sounded a little far away.
"We need to…."
Erza trailed off. She couldn't bring herself to tell Natsu that they'd driven here to turn Gray's body over to Porlyusica, so she could do…whatever you were supposed to do with bodies. She hadn't even considered what she should say if he asked her. In her eyes, it was obvious.
But she hadn't just lost her husband. She had lost…someone very dear to her, but Natsu had lost everything. He was scared, and confused, and he needed her to help him, but Erza didn't think she could. Whatever words she was trying to find slipped away, and Erza felt her throat begin to close as her self-control faded.
Porlyusica chose that moment to open her door with a bang, and she strode out into the clearing where they'd parked.
"Where's the body?" she said bluntly, and Natsu recoiled like he'd been slapped in the face.
"You can't have him." He withdrew a little further into his seat, his eyes wide over the top of Gray's hair. "I'm taking him home…."
Porlyusica froze for a second, her businesslike expression cracking around the edges as pain crept into her eyes. "What for, boy?"
Natsu didn't say anything to her, just clutched Gray's body a little more tightly to his chest and continued to stare at her with wide, empty eyes.
Erza thought she might have seen the woman's face soften, but with Porlyusica, it was hard to be sure. "Give it to me," she said, reaching out a hand towards Natsu.
"Him," Happy corrected softly. Porlyusica didn't even spare him a glance.
"No!" Natsu cried, wrapping his arms around Gray, and pressing his face into the back of Gray's head. "I can…I need to…I'll-"
"I can go home with you tonight, Natsu," Lucy said. She'd climbed out of the car to stand by Porlyusica. "So you won't…you know, so you won't be alone."
Erza saw Natsu's face change in a fraction of a second, and she knew it was occurring to him that without Lucy there, he really would be alone. He would have to go back to the house he shared with Gray, and Gray would not go with him. Gray would never be there again.
Erza saw Natus's grip on the body loosen, involuntarily, and Porlyusica took that opening. Erza watched her lurch forward, faster than she would have thought possible for the old woman, and grab Gray's body from Natsu. With strength that Erza wouldn't have expected, she carried Gray's body back into her house, slamming the door with her foot behind her.
After Porlyusica closed the door to her house, there was about a second of absolute silence. Then, Natsu started screaming.
He threw himself out of the car in a motion almost too fast for Erza to follow, and hurled himself at Porlyusica's door. He began pounding on it with his fists, like he was trying to hit it hard enough to break it down.
"No!" he screamed, loud enough that it almost hurt Erza's ears. "Give him back! No! You can't take him, you can't have him! He's my husband, give him back! NO! GIVE HIM BACK!"
Before any of them could react, Natsu pitched forward onto his knees, still pounding on the door for all he was worth. Erza realized he was crying hysterically now, but the tears didn't do anything to diminish his volume. If anything, he was just getting louder as his grief and shock reached a fever pitch.
"OPEN THE DOOR! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE ME GRAY BACK! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM! NO! NO!"
"Natsu-" Happy whispered. Natsu ignored him completely.
Erza thought about going to Natsu, but with a cold shiver up her spine, she realized she wasn't sure if it was safe. Natsu clearly had no awareness of the world around him anymore. If she surprised him, she thought there was a real chance he might hurt her.
"NO! GIVE HIM BACK TO ME! I'LL DO ANYTHING, PLEASE, I'LL DO ANYTHING, PLEASE, JUST GIVE HIM BACK! NO, YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM! I NEED HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK TO ME! PLEASE, I'LL DO ANYTHING!"
Natsu's sobs started to get louder, more broken. It was clear his sudden burst of energy couldn't last much longer - he was already almost spent, crying so hard now he seemed to be struggling for breath. He stopped pounding on the door, and let his head come to rest against the wood with a small thump.
"I never got to say goodbye. Bring him back, bring him back, please. I need to say goodbye to him, I need to say goodbye to him, I'll do anything you want. Please just let me say goodbye, he needs me…."
Natsu started pounding on the door again, but it was half-hearted now. Clearly just an attempt to get Porlyusica's attention, instead of to actually break down her door.
"At least give me something of his," Natsu whimpered. "He has…at least give me the ring back. I need something of his, I…please, please, at least can I have the ring back…."
"Natsu," Lucy whispered, stepping forward a few paces, but keeping her distance. Natsu didn't seem to hear her. He just kept banging on Porlyusica's door, making less and less noise with each attempt.
"Please, I need something of his, I can't leave without it…." Natsu's voice was soft too, the words barely audible through his tears. "Please."
Erza shifted, preparing to go to Natsu and pull him away if need be. She didn't want to interrupt his grief, and she didn't want to be attacked, but there was a limit to how long she could watch him suffer like this. If he went on for much longer, or if he regained enough energy to actually try to break down the door, he could get himself hurt. Erza had no idea what Porlyusica could be doing that would prevent her from answering Natsu, but she apparently didn't intend to open the door.
There was a creak, and the door suddenly opened with a jerk. Natsu fell forward, crumpling half onto the doormat before he could catch himself. He looked up at Porlyusica, the tear tracks on his face glistening in the glow from inside.
"Can I-"
"Here, child," Porlyusica said. Her tone was blunt, but as the candlelight reflected on her face, Erza knew she wasn't imagining the grief in the witch's eyes. Pausing in front of Natsu, she opened her hand and dropped something metallic into Natsu's.
Natsu made a small, choked-off cry and curled over the two necklaces that lay across his palm. He curled his fingers around Gray's ring, clutching it tightly. Between two of his fingers, Erza could see the sword charm she'd given Gray, almost fourteen years before.
At the time, he'd told her he wouldn't ever take it off. She'd smiled, but after watching him lose his wallet, his keys, and every lacrima the Guild gave him, she hadn't believed it for a minute.
She wished she could tell him that she owed him an apology. Every day for the past fourteen years, she'd seen him in that necklace.
Porlyusica skirted around Natsu, stopping in front of Lucy. She handed over a small bottle, then looked back at Natsu. The Fire Dragon Slayer was crying soundlessly, beginning to rock back and forth as he clutched Gray's jewelry closer.
"Take this," she said. "It will calm him. It should help him sleep, too, if you give him enough."
She turned to retreat back inside her house, and Erza caught a glimpse of her expression. The witch's jaw was set, but she couldn't hide the telltale sheen of tears in her eyes.
Erza swallowed hard, suddenly remembering all the times Gray had gotten hurt as a child, trying to take on jobs that were far too advanced, and been sent to see Porlyusica. She may seem harsh, but she had known Gray too. And there was no one who knew Gray who could take this loss easily.
"What…what do we do now?" Carla asked once Porlyusica had closed the door. It was the first thing Erza had heard her say in a while.
"I don't want to go back to the Guild Hall," Wendy sniffed.
Erza knew that she at least really should go to the Guild Hall - the other members of Fairy Tail deserved a better update than the one they'd gotten from her right after the battle, and she was sure Makarov especially would have questions.
But even just glancing at Jellal, it was clear he needed rest. He'd spent the better part of a half hour pretty much single-handedly holding off an entire army, and he was spent. He'd hardly said anything since they'd left the battlefield, and he was pale and shaky-looking.
Due to the years of possession, his death and resurrection at the hands of the R-system, his memory wipe, and the year of torture in prison, Jellal suffered from semi-frequent seizures. He was prone to injury during the seizures themselves, and pretty much helpless for a few hours afterwards, so Erza really didn't like leaving him alone if she could help it, especially not overnight. And even if she'd felt more comfortable with it, one of his most reliable triggers was extreme exhaustion, and she would have been pretty hard-pressed to leave him alone after a day like the one they'd had. She couldn't…she couldn't risk him too.
He needed rest. She needed rest. They all needed rest. Surely, Makarov would understand.
"We should all go home," she said. "We're exhausted, and we need rest. We can regroup at the Guild Hall tomorrow. I'll contact all of you if I hear anything else from the Master or if there's anything we need from you."
Erza had been focusing so hard on coordinating the logistics of getting everyone safely back to Fairy Tail and getting Gray's body to Porlyusica, that now that it was done, her body didn't want to admit it was time to grieve. But Natsu was still kneeling on Porlyusica's doorstep, body shaking with sobs, and it felt strange to not say anything.
"I'm sorry," she said. All of a sudden, against her will, her voice was getting thick. "I'm sorry."
Before Erza could cry in front of the others, she made her way back to the car, so she could take Oblatio. She probably wouldn't start studying it tonight, maybe not even tomorrow, but it would have to be soon. She shuddered at the thought that if she couldn't figure out a way to change its allegiance from Gray to her, she would need to lose a finger too.
When she returned from the car, dark blade in hand, Lucy was kneeling by Natsu again. Happy was perched on her shoulder, his ears drooping flat. Erza didn't think she'd ever seen Happy so…sad.
"We're gonna take you back to Lucy's, okay Natsu?" Happy said. "That…that might be easier, huh?"
Natsu didn't stop crying, and at first, Erza thought he hadn't heard. The bone deep ache of exhaustion grew as she wondered how they were going to get him home. If Lucy and Happy couldn't get through to him, Erza would assist. And that would leave Jellal alone, and she would have to abandon the sword, and she didn't know how much longer she could face Natsu's grief while ignoring her own.
But after a few seconds, Natsu nodded. When Happy flew to him, holding out a paw, Natsu took it, and he began to stand up on shaky legs.
"I'm going back," Loke said quietly. Erza had almost forgotten he was there. He pushed himself away from Porlyusica's wall, one hand inside his suit coat, and looked towards Lucy. "Call me if you need anything. I just…I don't think…. I'm not going to help anyone here."
Lucy looked like she wanted to protest, but she nodded, and Loke vanished in a shower of golden light that hurt Erza's eyes. Wendy had already left, with Carla, and now Natsu was on his feet. He looked shaky, and he wasn't looking at anyone, but he was standing.
"Do you…?" Erza trailed off. She wasn't sure what she was offering. Natsu needed company, but too many people would surely be overwhelming in a time like this.
Lucy shook her head. "We can watch out for him. You should get some rest, Erza."
After a moment, Erza nodded. Natsu still wasn't looking at any of them, so Erza laid her hand on his shoulder before she turned away.
Jellal was leaning heavily against the hood of the car, watching the whole scene in silence. She made her way to him, taking his arm again and trying to stop herself from holding on too tightly.
"Are you alright?" he asked, but his voice sounded distant.
She wasn't. But she nodded anyway, because as soon as she said it out loud, she would fall apart. And she didn't know what that would do to her, or to Jellal. Clearly, nothing about the situation had sunk in for him yet. She wasn't sure what would happen to him when it did.
"Let's just go home," she whispered, and he pushed himself off the car and stood.
On the battlefield, she'd been using his strength to keep herself upright. But now, she could feel him trembling slightly, and some of his weight fell to her as they continued to walk. By the time they'd reached their home, about a mile from Porylusica's cottage, he was leaning on her heavily, and she could hear his breathing heavy in her ear.
"Alright," she said once they were back in the house. She settled Jellal on the sofa, ignoring the fatigue in her own limbs to lower him as carefully as possible. She tucked the sword in an out-of-the-way corner, somewhere they definitely wouldn't step on it. "Let me get you…you'll definitely need some water, and probably something to eat too…."
"Don't really want it," Jellal said, voice low.
Erza froze partway to the kitchen. Of course he didn't want to eat, or drink, or do any of that stuff. She was so used to the way she was supposed to take care of him that it took her a moment to register that none of that was going to work now. Instead, she made her way back over to the couch, and sat down next to him. She thought about resting her head on his shoulder, but he was still so trembly that she was worried about hurting him.
"What should we do now?" she asked.
"I don't know."
"Should we…share memories of Gray?" she suggested.
"No."
Erza grimaced. "We need to figure out how we're going to support Natsu through this. I know defeating Magnus needs to be our top priority, but if we don't…if everyone just ignores Natsu to do that, he's going to fall apart. We should give him money for food, at the very least, and ideally we should have someone be checking up on him every day. I just…I don't know what else to do for him. I can't imagine he'll really be able to fight, not the way he is now…."
"Yeah, I don't know," Jellal said.
"What would help you, if you were the one who had lost me?"
"I can't…think about that." He paused. "Don't ask me to think about that."
"Alright." Erza drew her knees up into her chest, folding her hands over them and resting her chin on them. "We do need to talk about all these things tomorrow though. As well as what we plan to do with the sword."
"I know," Jellal said softly.
Erza was silent for a long moment. Each time she felt tears start to threaten, she carefully breathed through them, an exercise in control. Her throat was aching, and her eyes felt dry, but she didn't want to cry. Not yet.
"Jellal, I-"
She looked over at him, and saw that sometime in the past few minutes, he'd fallen asleep. His head was tilted against the back of the sofa, knees wide, mouth open. Erza was sure he hadn't meant to fall asleep, and leave her all alone with the looming grief. But he was exhausted, and she didn't begrudge him for it.
Sometimes, it was easier to feel when she was alone.
"Jellal?" Erza whispered, trying to make absolutely sure he was asleep. They hadn't been home for more than a half an hour, but he didn't even stir.
So Erza thought of Gray's small, crooked smile, his low, careful voice, his beautiful magic, his grace on the battlefield. His grim determination, his sudden flashes of anger, his surprising, almost overwhelming capacity for love.
Once Erza allowed the first tear to fall, the rest followed like a torrent of rain. Erza folded over herself as the sobs ripped out of her like screams, as she cried harder than she had ever cried before in her life.
This day wasn't a terrible nightmare, or a hallucination, or a trick. It was real. Gray was gone, and she couldn't plan or lead or fight her way out of it. He wasn't coming back.
All she could do was cry.
