March 28, 2011

He had finished his shift earlier than expected and had hoped to spent an hour or two with Kate before they would both, eventually, succumb to their need for sleep. Using the key she had gifted him, he let himself into her apartment.

He was hoping to surprise her - to see that smile he loved light up her face when she saw him - but he was left disappointed when he realised she wasn't home. She had mentioned a movie that was playing at the Angelika, but it would have ended hours ago. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialling her number.

"Hey, Josh," She answered. He tried not to read into the lack of enthusiasm in her voice, or the hushed tone.

"Hey babe. I'm finishing work early and just thought I'd see if you were still up. Can I drop by?" He wasn't sure why he baited her like that, but the pause on the other end only fed into his current mistrust.

"Um, sure," She paused for another moment. "I'm not home yet, but I'm not far."

"It's okay," He smiled. "I can let myself in with my key."

"Of course. Make yourself at home. I'll see you soon."


She composed herself at the door, taking a few deep breaths before opening it. She had felt the energy draining from her as she drove home and, right now, all she wanted was to go to bed. When she entered her apartment, she sought out Josh, finding him standing in the kitchen drinking a beer.

"Hey, babe," He greeted with a smile.

"Hey." She tossed her keys onto the accent table by the door and shrugged her jacket off.

"Wine?" He asked, starting to pour her a glass before she even answered.

She stopped just short of the bench. "I guess so."

He stopped pouring, looking at her, a wave of frustration rushing through him. "You don't want it?"

"No, that's fine. Just half a glass." She smiled, trying to change to trajectory of this conversation, to no avail.

He placed the wine bottle back in the fridge. "Don't drink it if you don't want it."

"It's just... it's kind of late." She stepped toward him. "I thought maybe we could just go to bed." The suggestive raise of her brow, another attempt to save themselves from this nosedive. But he wasn't looking, he didn't pick up on the cues.

"Too late to have a drink with your boyfriend but not too late to be roaming the city."

She sighed, realising this had already gone too far to avoid. "I wasn't roaming the city, I was on my way home. And the plan was to come home and go to bed... because it's getting late." She hoped the repetition of her words would help them sink in a little easier.

He picked up the glass, tipping the wine down the sink.

"What is your problem?" She snapped.

He avoided her question with one of his own. "Where were you?"

"Seriously? Are you my keeper, now?" She tried to swallow her frustration. She knew how he could be after working the late shift, especially with his current workload, but this had escalated so quickly. "This isn't like you."

"I've had a shitty day and all I wanted was to relax with you, but you're acting like you don't even want to see me right now."

"What happened at work?" Her voice was low, concerned.

"Stop trying to change the subject." His voice was almost pleading.

She took a breath. "I do want to see you," She reassured. "I'm glad you're here... I'm just tired."

She crept closer to him, arms reaching out to find his. She could see him relax, taking her hands in his and pressing a kiss to her forehead. She rested her head against his chest.

"Where were you?" He asked one last time, voice hushed.

She pulled back, looking up at him. "I told you. I wanted to watch a movie that was playing at the Angelika."

But he knew the movie would have finished almost two hours ago. He just didn't understand why she wasn't telling him the full truth. "And then?"

She shrugged. "And then we went to Remy's for a burger."

"We." He pulled his hands from hers, scrubbing them over his face. "You were with Castle."

She swallowed hard, knowing exactly where this was leading. "Yes, I was with Castle."

"So... you were on a date." His smile wasn't humorous. It triggered something, fight or flight she supposed.

"No. I went to a movie... with a friend." She bit her tongue and tried to hide the frustration in her voice. If he knew what happened, if he knew the story, surely he would understand it was innocent. "He said he hadn't seen Forbidden Planet before... turns out he was just messing with me but when he saw how excited I was he just kinda went along with it."

"How sweet." His voice was thick with sarcasm.

"You're actually upset about this?" She didn't know why she asked, it's not as if he was being subtle about it. He never was subtle... not when it came to his true feelings about Castle. He had made it clear, very early on, that he wasn't comfortable with their friendship.

She wondered how many times they could have the same argument. The same, pointless argument.

"He's my partner..." she started with the usual line of defence, knowing that it didn't matter how many times she assured Josh that there was nothing going on between her and Castle... her words of reassurance fell on deaf ears.

"No, Ryan and Esposito are your partners." And he wasn't insecure about the time she spent with them... "He's just some rich guy who bought his way onto the team, to try and sleep with you."

It hurt to admit that she once thought that, too. But not anymore. He had proven to her that it was more than that. "If that's his only reason then he is really committing to it. So far it's been years of nothing."

"Nothing." He scoffed, as if he knew something.

She froze as the memory of their shared kiss just weeks ago flashed to the forefront of her mind. She hadn't told Josh about that. It meant nothing, simply a cover... a diversion. But he wouldn't understand.

"I know guys like him, Katie. It's all just a game to him. He'll make you feel special... like you actually mean something to him. But it's all just the thrill of the chase."

"He's not trying to sleep with me," She reassured him again. "We're just friends."

He shook his head, growing tired of her denial. It was blatantly obvious to everyone else. "You're not that naïve, Katie."

No, she wasn't. She knew that wasn't the full truth... just friends. Because they had almost been more than that just last summer. But their moment had passed. He had dated Gina and, even thought they were over now, she still had Josh. She cared for Josh... she wouldn't hurt him. Not like that.

"Are you jealous of him?" She regretted the words as soon as they fell from her mouth. They were unnecessarily provoking. She wanted this fight to be over... so why had she just spurred it on?

Anger flashed in his eyes. "No."

"Then why won't you just trust me?" Her voice was pleading, at this point. She was so tired, she just wanted this to be over already.

"Everyone knows you've fucked him." He spat out the thought, as if he had been holding onto it for too long. The venom in his voice hurt her more than any words could. It was as if he was disgusted by the thought. That what she had or hadn't done - and she had spent too much time trying to convince him this was something she hadn't done - before she met him was any of his damn business, anyway.

She had accepted, long ago, that rumours circulated around her relationship with Castle. She had heard the talk in the precinct, read the tabloids that speculated. But she never thought that anyone - especially Josh - would actually believe the talk.

"I thought you said he'd move on once he got what he wanted? It's all about the chase, right?" She threw his misguided logic back in his face. "If I had slept with him, we wouldn't be having this argument... again."

"Do you know how hard it is to be okay with you seeing him every day, going to dinner and movies with him, when I know what's running through his mind the whole time?"

"You don't know..."

"Yes I do." He cut her off before she could even finish voicing her defence. "The whole world does because he writes it in his books and puts it out there for the whole world to read. It's sick."

Those damn books, once again proving to be nothing more than an inconvenience for her. "It's not like that."

"It is. It's sick. It's like he can't have you in real life so he's created this imaginary world where he can live out his fantasies."

Can't have you... this was maddening.

"You need to make up your mind, am I fucking him or not?" She laughed humourlessly.

He knew she wasn't taking him seriously and he was growing more and more infuriated by the second. "You think this is funny?"

"I don't know, Josh," She shrugged. "Maybe all the whiplash has shaken my brain. I don't know what to think right now."

He took the final swig of his beer, tossing the bottle into the trash. "I'm going home."

She sighed. "Josh, wait." She tried to grab his hand as he made his way past her, but he pulled free from her fingertips.

"No. I'm sick of this. You need to decide what you want."

Her brain finally caught up, he was leaving. Actually leaving. This fight wasn't the same as it had been. "What?"

"I'm not okay with sharing you like this. I tried, but look at us."

Sharing her?

"So you're making me choose? You or him?" She put the pieces together, heartbroken by the idea of what had to come next. She had refused to budge for too long. She knew he wasn't comfortable with how close she and Castle were... and yet she had refused to make any sort of compromise. She had already, inadvertently, chosen Castle.

"I guess I am. But I can tell by the look on your face... you've already made the decision."

She wanted to disagree with that statement. To tell him the choice wasn't that easy... but it was. She didn't know where exactly she stood with Castle... but she knew that their friendship, that their partnership, it wasn't something she was ready to throw away. That's how they had ended up here. "I'm sorry," She said after a short silence.

"No you're not." He pulled the key from his pocket and placed it on the table by the door before leaving.

She stood in silence, staring at the door, waiting for him to come back in. To tell her he was sorry, that he didn't mean it. She waited, like she did every other time, but he didn't come back. The door stayed shut, the apartment stayed silent.

She was left alone to face the silence, to face the maelstrom of emotions that rushed over her. Violent, tumultuous, chaotic.


March 29, 2011

He wasn't expecting her - that was evident when he opened the door looking puzzled. It was almost 3am and he hadn't received as much as a phone call or text message to warn him of her impending arrival.

"Beckett? Is everything okay?" His concern only grew as he became more aware of his surroundings. It was obvious she had woken him - his eyes sleepy, his hair a tussled mess - she forced a smile. She shouldn't be here. He was leaving for his book tour in less than five hours - flying across the country and heading straight into meetings - he needed his rest.

She considered walking away, leaving him alone and addressing this error in judgement once the sun was up. But she was here now. She had talked herself into this... convinced herself it was a good idea.

Don't overthink it... the mantra she had been revising since Josh had stormed out of her apartment. Don't overthink it.

She stepped across the threshold, her heart racing as she invaded his space. If she was unwelcome, he didn't say it. If he was uncomfortable, he didn't show it. He held her gaze as the sleepiness drained from him, his eyes so alert, piercing into her. The words remained unspoken, but the message was loud and clear, as if they had done this dance a million times before. Neither one of them would fight this... not now.

She held his face, bringing herself to him. Their lips connected - gentle, at first - and the warmth that radiated from him melted away any lingering reservations she had. His lips moved with hers, eager for more. Years of tension uncoiled as he gripped her hips, pulling her as close to him as physically possible.

One hand left her body and the door slammed shut behind her. His hand found her again, this time slipping it's way under her shirt. His touch was hot against her bare skin and his palm roamed her torso. She brought her hands to his hair, combing her fingers through the thick locks. He moaned as her nails massaged his scalp, gripping at his hair and sending a pleasantly painful jolt through him.

His hands slid down her back, over her curves and gripped at the back of her thighs. He hoisted her up and she wrapped her legs around him, her pelvis resting against his. She thrusted toward him, bringing a guttural growl from him. Effortlessly, he carried her to his bedroom.

They had barely made it through his bedroom door when she dropped her legs from his waist, creating just enough space between them for her to begin removing his boxer shorts. He brought his hands under her shirt and up her abdomen, cupping her breasts and swiping his thumb across the thin, lacy material that covered them. The vibrations she moaned against his lips fuelled his passion as he tore away the layers of clothing that clung to her body.

He broke away from her, stepping back and allowing himself to take in her beauty as she stood in front of him baring it all. Just a few seconds to admire, to convince himself he wasn't dreaming this. He expected her to shy away, to try and cover her body from his studying eyes, but she didn't. Her tongue darted along her bottom lip, before taking it between her teeth. He could see her eyes darken, lusty and needing, as she watched him admire her.

She placed one foot in front of the other, stepping toward him. Her hand, trembling with anticipation, traced the line of his forearm, up to his shoulder. His hands fell instinctively to her hips, holding her close.

"Is everything okay?" He repeated his question from before. This was so... unexpected. When she left the diner, everything seemed... normal. She was headed home... to her boyfriend. And now... now they were standing together... in his room... naked and touching. How, in just a matter of hours, have they ended up here? "Kate..." he urged after several moments of silence.

"Tell me you want me." The words coming from her mouth nauseated her. She wasn't this person. She didn't need reassurance. Not from him, not from anyone. But Josh's words echoed through her mind, taunting her. It's just a game to him.

"I want you. You know that, Kate. It's not like I've ever been subtle about it."

"And after you've had me?" The near-break in her voice could have - would have - been missed by anyone else... but not him. And it broke his heart to hear the usual confidence in her voice wavering before him. What the hell had happened to her tonight?

"I'll want you again..." he placed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "And again..." another kiss to her jawline, below her ear. He brushed his lips along her skin until he could feel her earlobe. Lowering his voice, he whispered "and again..." before nibbling on her lobe.

His breath against her sent a wave of desire through her, goosebumps peppering her skin. He followed their path - kissing down her neck, her shoulder, her chest - the warmth of his mouth easing their intense prickling of her skin.

She placed her hand against his cheek, guiding him back to her lips. He pressed against her, stepping forward. Taking her cue, she took a few clumsy steps back toward the bed, the heels of her feet hitting the wooden base.

He gave her a gentle nudge and she dropped onto the bed, shuffling back up toward the pillows. He followed her movements until she stopped and he was hovering over her. He captured her lips again, lowering himself onto her, the pressure on her pelvis sending a flutter through her.

He took his time, kissing her deeply while his hands roamed her body, savouring the feel of skin against skin until he could barely stand it any longer.

The feel of her body against his - her hands in his hair and her lips on his - was something he could only hope he would be able to experience again... and again... and again...


Both spent, sated and entirely out of breath, they remained exactly how they were for several minutes just trying to process and recover. But the processing, for Kate, wasn't going too well. What... the fuck... just happened?

Castle rolled off of her, his warmth instantly missed as the cool air swirled over her too hot body. She felt too exposed. She reached for the covers, pulling them over her.

"Remind me again, why did we wait so long to do that?" He laughed. She let out a soft, half-hearted chuckle, allowing that to be her answer, and rolled away from him.

Curling up into a ball, her stomach began to churn. Josh had been in her apartment no more than six hours ago... and here she was, already in bed with Castle. After so many times reassuring her boyfriend that there was nothing for him worry about. That there never was and never would be anything between them. This wasn't right. She shouldn't be here. She shouldn't have dragged Castle into this mess.

"Kate?" His voice pulled her from her spiralling thoughts. She realised the conflict of her mind had spilled from her eyes and silently wiped the stray tear from her cheek. "Kate, are you okay? Talk to me..."

The words triggered the release, a sob ripped through her chest and tears began to stream freely down her face, soaking his pillow. She pressed her hand to her mouth, hoping to muffle the quiet cries she couldn't hold back. Her mind was screaming, pleading for her to just leave. To get up, gather her clothes and her last scrap of dignity and get out of there as fast as she could, but his arm snaking around her waist and holding her close evaporated that idea. She couldn't ignore the guilty feeling that settled deep within her as he nuzzled into her, placing kisses on the back of her neck as he held her, whispered to her that it would all be okay.

He resigned to the fact that, if she didn't want to talk about whatever the hell was going on with her, there was nothing he could do to make her. Instead, he would simply show her that he was here for her. That he would be... again, and again, and again.