April 12, 2011

It took two weeks for her to spiral.

That's it. Just fourteen days.

She sat on her bathroom floor, a sobbing mess. Because of all the horrific scenarios she had imagined... of all the different ways this could have backfired, blown up in her face... this was not what she expected.

She pulled her phone from her pocket, swiping through her contacts until she found the name she was looking for. She pressed the phone to her ear and tried desperately to control the tears, to steady her breathing. It almost worked, too. That was, until she heard the voice on the other end of the line.

She had been out of sorts all week. Everyone had picked up on it and Lanie had been hounding her for the last two days to stop shutting her out.

Her voice was soft, nurturing, as if she had expected this call to come sooner or later. "Hey, girl. You okay?"

She let out a soft cry. No, she wasn't okay. "I don't know why I'm like this, Lanie." She rested her head in her hands as the tears began to stream again. "I ruin everything good."

But she did know... or, at least, she had a pretty good theory as to why she was like this. A Castle-esque theory, too. She was cursed. The horrid Kate Beckett curse. The reflex self-sabotaging tendencies that she swears she was born with. The inability to trust anything good... anything secure. That voice in her head that whispered relentless negativity, that told her to leave before she got left, to hurt them before they hurt her. She didn't want to be like this. The intensity of the emotions she felt, that overwhelmed her to the point of making stupid decisions.

"Hold on, I'm on my way."

"You don't have to come over." She started wiping her tears, frantically trying to pull herself together... to convince her friend she would be okay. She internally scolded herself for bothering Lanie... this wasn't her problem. It wasn't her responsibility to pick up the crumbling pieces of a shattered life.

Stubborn, as always, Lanie insisted. "I'm already out the door. I'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen, if you want wine."

"No. No wine," she relented.

"Okay, ten minutes then."

She ended the call, placing the phone on the ground beside her. She grabbed the edge of the bathtub, pulling herself to her feet. She turned to face the mirror, staring in disdain at the almost unrecognisable person staring back at her.


Lanie arrived right on time, knocking lightly at the door.

Beckett gave herself one final look over in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying. Tears stained her cheeks, and her bottom lip was starting to bruise from being gnawed on anxiously. She looked a mess... but this was as good as it was going to get.

She walked toward the door, opening it and greeting her friend with a weary smile. Silently, Lanie entered the apartment and wrapped her arms around Beckett, allowing her a moment to melt into the embrace. Eventually - and reluctantly - she pulled away.

"You gonna tell me what the hell is going on?" She tried to be calming, yet firm. Like an overwhelmed mother trying to reassure a frantic toddler that they were still loved, despite the chaotic mess they had just created.

"I messed up. I really messed up."

Lanie waited silently for an explanation, knowing her friend just needed a little time to gather her thoughts. They walked towards the couch to sit together.

"I was with Josh for seven months. And I... I don't know if I ever actually loved him," she eventually spilled the confession.

"You guys broke up?"

Beckett nodded, focussing her energy on stopping the tears rather than talking.

"If you're this upset, I think it's safe to say you loved him."

Beckett shook her head. She couldn't fault Lanie's logic, but there was one major flaw. "I'm upset because I..." She stopped. She could barely admit to herself, let alone anyone else, what thoughts had been plaguing her consciousness: was she in love with Castle? "What if I was only with him because-" because I couldn't have Castle. Nope, can't even voice that thought.

Lanie's voice pulled her from panic. "Kate?"

She had to start from the beginning. Go back to when she first felt... whatever this was. "I broke up with Demming, for Castle."

Lanie inhaled sharply, not at all disguising her surprise. She had always suspected, but Beckett had always played her relationship with Castle close to the vest. She remembered watching, that night, as Castle left the precinct with his second ex-wife. The whole team had to watch on as Kate tried to mask the pain.

"I didn't think I was using Josh, but what if I was?" Beckett continued. "I'm a horrible person."

"You're not a horrible person, Kate. You obviously care about him. Did you break up with him..." She hesitated, not sure exactly how to word her question. "Did you break up with him to be with Castle?"

"No." She shook her head. "We fought. All the time. He worked too much, I worked too much. I was always one foot out the door and he just couldn't trust me."

"Trust you?" That concept boggled her mind. She thought Kate was one of the most trustworthy people, the idea of others disagreeing just didn't seem comprehensible.

"Castle." She didn't need to explain any further, Lanie's slow nod showed that she understood.

"He was insecure..."

"He had every reason to be insecure, but I made him feel like he was imagining it. I mean, our relationship only started because Castle was with Gina. We weren't built to last." She sat quiet for a few seconds. "I think I always knew that," she finished.

Lanie watched as her friend nervously picked at her nail beds, avoiding eye contact. Her demeanour just didn't match up with her words.

"This seems like acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved, but what happened to the sobbing girl on the other end of the line earlier?"

"Oh, don't worry. She'll be back." Beckett rose from the couch and walked across to the bathroom, nudging open the door and flicking on the light. As Lanie approached, she saw the box on the vanity.

Her eyes widened as she looked back to Beckett. "No wine." She understood now.

"I haven't taken it yet," she mumbled, a little ashamed of how fearful she was.

"But you suspect."

Beckett simply nodded.

"Late?" Lanie's inner doctor kicked in, starting an examination of sorts on her friend.

"Eight days."

Her eyes widened, but she schooled her features before her friend finally looked up at her. She wanted to be reassuring. "That doesn't necessarily mean-"

"I feel different, Lanie." She wouldn't usually put much stock into feeling different. But this was something she couldn't explain. She just... knew.

"Tell me everything that's made you think, maybe I'm pregnant."

"About ten days ago I had some cramping. I didn't think anything of it, it seemed about right timing. I've been tender. Again, I didn't think much of it. But then my period didn't come. I've been so tired. Coffee smells weird, tastes even weirder. The last few days I've been getting dizzy during my morning runs..." she was getting worked up. Describing each potential symptom just seemed to cement this for her. This was happening, and she hadn't even gotten to the messy part yet. Her chest tightened and each breath felt less and less effective.

"Okay, you need to breathe. You're not going to know until you take the test so let's just get that done, okay? That way you'll know."

Tears began to spill from her eyes. Again. These stupid tears, she wished they would just stop. "I can't. I don't think I want to know." Ignorance is bliss, right?

Lanie took a deep breath. "Kate, if you want options you need to find out sooner rather than later."

"Options?" Right... options. She hadn't even thought that far ahead, yet. She couldn't. She couldn't work up the courage to take the test, let alone what she was going to do once she knew for sure.

"Do you know where Josh would stand on this?"

She did. They had discussed this after watching a news report about protesting in the area. On that day, they had been on the same page. She wondered if they would still share the same opinion... now that it was them and not strangers in this situation. Well... her. Because there was a good chance it wasn't them at all, but rather her and Castle.

The guilt that had been fluctuating, causing her such nausea all day, was back with a vengeance. She took a deep, unsteady breath and clutched at her abdomen, silently pleading with her insides to stop churning.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure if it's Josh's." The words tumbled from her mouth, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't feel some sort of relief by getting it off her chest.

Lanie frowned. "When exactly did you break up?" And why exactly was she only just hearing about it?

"March... 28th."

Lanie's eyes widened - the truth kept dropping like bombs tonight. She took another deep breath. "We can try to figure this out. Do you remember dates? If you know your last period and what days you had sex..."

"No, that won't work." Kate shook her head.

"Girl, I'm sorry but you're starting to get on my nerves. What the hell do you mean that won't work? I know it's not super accurate, but it will at least give you an idea."

"Josh and I..." she felt like a schoolgirl, scared to say the words. Sex. It's just sex. "... before work. And then we broke up that night."

Lanie's eyes narrowed. "And then...?"

"And then... I was angry. And I made some choices..."

"You hooked up with someone?"

"I slept with Castle." Lanie was speechless. "That same night..." she added, just to be sure her friend was completely understanding the predicament.

"Shit," she eventually said.

"Yeah." She let the news sink in before revealing the next factor. "I don't remember if he used a condom."

"What do you mean I don't remember? Safety first, girl. You're better than that."

"Obviously not," she sighed. "I told you, I messed up."

Lanie shifted her tone, her expressions. She could see Kate was struggling... regretful. "Well, can you... ask him?"

"I could. But I haven't spoken to him since and I think alarm bells will start ringing if I just call him out of the blue and start asking about protection."

"You need to talk to Castle. But first," she reached across and grabbed the box, handing it to Kate. "Take the damn test."

Lanie stepped outside, giving her the privacy she needed to get through this. Kate picked up the box, hands shaking as she read the instructions. She had only done this once before, and that was years ago.

She stuck her nail under the top flap of the box, lifting it and breaking the seal. Pulling the test from its packaging, she took a deep breath and turned toward the toilet.

It took a few minutes, too nervous to allow herself to relax, but eventually it was done. She placed the cap back on the test, and sat it on a wash cloth on the vanity countertop. She stared, watching the results window saturate before her eyes.

She opened the bathroom door, inviting her friend back in. Together, they sat on the floor, backs pushed against the tub, and waited.

"You'll figure this out," Lanie said after a minute of silence. "You know you're not alone in this. No matter what the result is, no matter what you decide to do." She reached out, taking Kate's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

They sat in silence until the timer on Kate's phone went off, letting them know that the results would be ready to read.

"Do you need a minute?" Lanie asked.

"Please don't leave," she muttered, staring up at the countertop. She could see the test, but the results weren't visible. Somehow, she would have to find the strength to pull herself up. She silenced the alarm on her phone.

"I'm right here." Lanie nudged her shoulder against Kate's, gaining her attention. She smiled, warmly. "Come on."

She rose from her position on the floor, holding out her hands to help Kate up too. Kate grabbed her hands, pulling herself up and metaphorically dusting herself off. She could do this.

She reached out, picking up the test and looking down at the little window. The two lines were unmistakable. The beating of her heart in her chest quickened, strengthened. She nodded slowly, processing the news.

"How can I fix things with Castle, but not have to tell him this?"

"You need to tell him..." Lanie warned, firmly. No good could come from not telling him.

She stared at the stick in her hands, begging for the line in that little window to magically disappear. As if staring at it, willing it to go away, was enough to undo this mess she had made.

"But, what if it's not his?"

The words established reality and she couldn't hold herself together anymore. Her shoulders dropped, head hanging low as she began to cry.

She was pregnant. She was alone. She had no idea who to turn to right now, and it was all her fault.


She appreciated that Lanie had offered to stay the night. Tucked up in bed, they had been watching bad reality TV for almost two hours now. Lanie simply held her hand, comforting her through the waves of grief as they came and went. But now, the tears had dried.

Lanie turned to Kate, watching her as she watched the drama unfolding on the television. Her eyes were still puffy, cheeks glistening lightly from unwiped tears, but the mood had lifted significantly.

"I know you're in this deep state of turmoil right now," she started, "but when you're not regretting your life choices, you have to dish."

Kate let out a slight laugh. "Seriously?"

"Whenever you're ready." She had waited years for the two to give into their chemistry, she wasn't about to glaze right over it just because of a little... complication.

Kate rolled her eyes, trying to ignore her friend's prying. But she couldn't help but think back to her night with Castle. Goosebumps began to prickle under her skin. She smirked, holding up her arm up to show Lanie.

"That good, huh?"

This conversation was going to happen eventually, she may as well get it out of the way now.

"It was... not what I had imagined," she gave, hesitantly.

"Imagine it often?" Lanie teased the accidental confession, ignoring the glare Kate was giving her.

She took a breath, starting to get emotional again. Sniffling, she rubbed her fingertips under her eyes to clean up any leftover tears. She really had to pull herself together before she talked to Castle.

"He was sweet. I-" she took a breath to steady her emotions. "I was conflicted, upset. And he just held me."

Lanie reached across and held her hand, trying her best to comfort her.

"It felt... safe. I- I don't know. I've just, I've never felt like that before. That connection just hasn't been there with anyone else. It felt so right."

"You really like him, don't you?"

She nodded, "I do. And I miss him, so much." She wiped fresh tears away, laughing frustratedly. "Oh god. This is hormones, right?"

Lanie chuckled a little, wrapping her arms around Kate. "Sure is. Get used to it."