April 17, 2011
He had been back from the first leg of his book tour for almost a week now. He hadn't called. He didn't text. He wasn't back in the precinct. But obviously she hadn't expected any of that. No, she knew that she had messed up and that this would take a lot of work on her part to fix.
She had knocked too soon. She hadn't thought out exactly what she was going to say to him, she just didn't want to give herself a chance to talk herself out of it. Because she had talked herself out of this... twice already. But now that she could hear someone on the other side, her heart felt like it was trying to jump out of her throat.
When the door swung open, she wasn't sure if she was relieved to be met by Alexis, or not. The redhead looked her up and down, her usual sweet smile nowhere to be seen. In this moment, Kate hoped the ground beneath her would just open up and swallow her whole.
"Dad..." the girl called over her shoulder, holding her gaze. "Detective Beckett is here."
She could hear the venom in Alexis's voice as she spoke her name. She wasn't imagining that. Surely...
"Thanks, Pumpkin." He approached from the staircase, stepping in her place as she retreated back to the kitchen. He kept a careful eye on his daughter as she walked away, only speaking once she was out of earshot. "Here to tell me your phone is broken?"
She wished that were the case. That was so much better than the reality of her simply being too embarrassed to answer any of his calls or reply to the string of concerned messages he had sent.
She peered over his shoulder to Alexis, who was eying them carefully from the kitchen. With a low voice, she asked: "How much does she know?"
He had told her in the past that he would rarely disclose information about his relationships with his daughter unless they became serious. But she wasn't a child anymore. And she was smart... intuitive. And she obviously knew something... the icy cold stare hadn't come from nowhere.
"She knows I haven't rushed back to the precinct since being home," He answered. In other words, she knows enough. Because, short of being kicked out, there's only one reason he wouldn't be rushing back: her.
She swallowed her nerves. "Can we talk?"
"What's there to talk about?" He shrugged her off.
"I can explain everything. Just, please, don't be mad."
"Why shouldn't I be mad?" His voice was quiet, but filled with anger and hurt. "You've been avoiding talking about this for weeks and, what? Now that you're ready, I just have to be okay with it?"
She just wanted to cry. She couldn't help it. She stood, staring into his eyes, for the longest time. He didn't try to hide the hurt. Why should he? He didn't owe her that. He didn't owe her anything.
"I'm sorry..." That's how she should have started this conversation. But she didn't. Of course, she didn't. She couldn't just admit to her mistakes. "Can I please come in? It's important."
He turned and walked away without muttering a single word, but the open door served as an invitation to her. She entered the loft, closing the door behind her before following him into his office. He closed the door behind them, allowing them some privacy.
Her eyes drifted around the room, taking in each small detail. She had been in here before, but her mind was urging her to commit every last detail to memory, just in case this would be the last time she was welcomed back into his space.
"What do you want, Kate?"
It was time. Whether she was ready or not, it was time to rip the band-aid. But this wasn't just one band-aid. This was band-aid after band-aid, layered across each other, trying to hide a festering wound.
"Josh and I are over." The words came fumbling out of her mouth. Band-aid one: ripped.
He didn't look surprised, though. Just unamused, as if she were wasting his time. "I figured."
He knew her well enough to know she wouldn't knowingly cheat. That was something, she supposed. Her character, in his eyes, wasn't in complete ruins.
Band-aid two ripped effortlessly enough. "I needed you, I guess." She wasn't sure when, exactly, she had realised she needed him. Maybe it was when Josh had asked her to choose. But a part of her - a big part of her - thought she had possibly always known. But she wasn't in denial anymore. She needed him more than she had ever needed anyone before.
That confession softened him. She could see it in the way he held himself. His shoulders relaxed; his stone-cold face melted into a look with which she was much more comfortable. It pained her to know what was coming next. She considered leaving it at that. She considered walking away, allowing him some time to register her apology first, but she had come this far... she needed to continue.
"I'm pregnant." Band-aid three, torn away.
That one hurt. His face dropped and he shook his head from side to side. It's only been three weeks - nineteen days, to be exact - since their rendezvous, so she understood why denial was his first instinct. And that brought her to the fourth and final band-aid...
But this one couldn't be ripped. She had to delicately scratch at the sides, lifting it slowly and carefully. She didn't have the words to delicately break this news... there were no words to delicately break this news. But he couldn't wait. She was taking too long, and the silence was too much.
"Is it mine?" His words were blunt, emotionless.
She should have expected it, but it still felt like a sucker punch. Band-aid ripped, wound exposed.
"Dating scans are only so accurate..." But the date she was given felt pretty damn spot on. "But the timing fits. For both you and Josh."
He scrubbed his hand over his face, pressing it across his mouth. She wasn't sure if he was trying to stop himself from speaking, or maybe trying to mask his reactions. But even if she couldn't see the tension on his face, she could feel it in the air.
"I can get DNA testing done, but not for a couple of months. I wasn't going to say anything until then. But I..." she stepped forward, feeling desperate. Her hand twitched toward him, but she hesitated. She needed to touch him, for him to hold her and tell her everything was okay, but she knew that was asking too much. "I had to fix this... between us and in doing that, I couldn't keep this from you."
He paced the room in silence. She watched as he processed, trying her best to ignore the waves of nausea as her stomach churned more with each passing second.
Part of her wanted him to get mad... to yell and scream... to tell her she had messed up big time. Because yelling would be better than this. It had to be. Yelling meant he was processing. Right?
But the silent pacing, she didn't know what that meant.
And that was terrifying.
She just knew he was internally debating the situation. Going through the facts, most likely creating some elaborate story in his mind. Possibly going over the pros and cons. She hated that she was on the outside, not privy to his thoughts.
Between trying to quiet the raging chaos of thoughts storming through her mind, and trying to calm the rampant turning of her stomach, she could feel her battery draining.
The steady beating of her heart was rapidly increasing. She could feel it in her chest, her throat, her ears.
Her mind was spinning. Faster, faster...
She looked to the ground, eyes searching for something... anything to hold her focus. She found a scratch in the hardwood floor and focused on honing her senses. To slow her heart, steady her breathing, gather her energy.
As soon as she could, she moved her attention back to him. She met his eyes, already attentive on her.
"Did you hear me?" He asked, concern weighing heavy as he noticed her vacant stare.
"Sorry. What did you say?" She was too focused on not passing out that she hadn't noticed he'd stopped pacing. Hadn't heard him speak.
"I assume that you're going to have the baby?" he repeated, a question she had spent too much time mulling over.
She shook her head, then nodded. He looked at her confused. She had to speak, had to find her words, but her mouth wasn't cooperating with her mind.
She inhaled deeply, exhaled, swallowed the lump in her throat, anything to make the words come out easier. "I am pretty sure I have decided that I'm going to keep it."
"Pretty sure?" His skepticism was warranted... she didn't sound very confident in her decision.
"I'm scared, Castle," she confessed, in a broken whisper. She was fighting back tears. She felt like that's all she did lately. Fight the tears until she couldn't fight them any longer.
She felt around for the chair she knew was there. She was breathless, shaky, nauseous. Not her finest moment. She didn't sit, wouldn't allow herself to give in just yet, but she supported most of her weight on the arm of the chair.
"What if... I didn't care?"
He didn't care? She wasn't sure what she had expected him to say - but that most definitely was not it.
"You... don't care?" She repeated his words, hoping that would bring forth some understanding. She needed clarification. Didn't care about what exactly? Didn't care about her? Didn't care about the baby?
"I don't care if it's not my baby."
Her stomach flipped. She felt lightness, a weight lifted. But the sudden heaviness that came crashing back was almost unbearable. "I don't believe that." She wanted to, but she couldn't. How could he not care?
"You and Josh... you're over, right?"
Of course, they were over. There was nothing wrong with Josh. Simply that he wasn't Castle. Their relationship was doomed from the very beginning and deep down they both knew that. But right now, one of her biggest fears was that this baby was Josh's... and she would be forced to have him a part of her life forever.
"You came to me that night for a reason. There's something here, Kate. Something worthwhile. Obviously you can see it too." She could hear the conviction in his voice, the unwavering belief in what he was saying. "We can't go back. Not now. Not after... all of this. We either give this... give us an actual chance, or we go our separate ways."
He studied her face as she processed his words. She agreed with him. They had crossed a line, opened a door that can't just be closed again. Even without the added complication of a baby, that night was a turning point for them. It was make or break. Either the beginning of something new, or the end of everything.
"I'm not ready to go my separate way." He stepped forward, cupping her face in his hands and pressing his lips to hers. It was desperate... pleading...
She gave in, just for a moment, savouring the way his lips molded to hers. She could very easily get used to this, allow herself to believe this could work, but she knew better. She summoned the willpower to gently push him away. A hand to his chest, the other on his cheek, thumb brushing along his lips as if to soothe him. Silently telling him she didn't not want this. But there was one lingering doubt that she just couldn't ignore.
"You won't feel the same way if we find out the baby isn't yours..." She was waiting for him to disagree, but he didn't. The slight nod of his head, the subtle confirmation that he too had considered that, was somehow reassuring. It made it easier to believe everything else he had said.
"Okay. Then we will wait. We will get the test results before we make any decisions. No rushing into things."
She nodded. Waiting... she could do that.
"But, just to make it clear - because I can see that mind of yours working overtime right now - I am... okay with this... the idea of us being a family."
And just like that, that weight was lifted again. There was hope.
A family...
"I know that this is far from perfect, Kate. I'm not saying that this isn't going to be difficult, because it is. It's going to feel impossible at times. But I'd rather fight for this, say we will actually gave this a chance rather than just give up. I want you, Kate. And if being with you means accepting a child, too... regardless of whose baby it is... I can do that."
The floodgates opened and tears began streaming down her face. She wiped them away with the heel of her palms. "I don't understand. Why? Why would you do that? Why don't you hate me?"
The world seemed to slow as he looked her in the eye. She could see the flurry of emotion behind his eyes. The hurt and the pain. The sadness and confusion. The hope. The kindness. "Because, I love you."
She hung her head, closing her eyes as she replayed the words in her head. Tears dripped from her face as she sucked in a breath.
Because, I love you.
All she could think about was how much potential this had to absolutely crush them. She wanted to believe that his love was enough... enough to make this okay. But she was too conflicted. Too rational to believe in the potential of love conquering all.
He placed his palm around her elbow, bringing her forward until her body crashed into his. With her head buried in his chest, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.
He'd hold her until she believed in possibility, if he could. After a few short moments, she pulled away.
"I don't know where we go from here." The confession was tearful, fearfully honest.
"I'm leaving again soon. Maybe some distance will allow us to really think about this, decide what we want. And then when I come back, we can talk. Until then, we just... take it one day at a time, I guess." He rubbed his palms up and down her arms, soothing and slow. "I do have questions, though..."
She swallowed hard. She could answer his questions... she owed him that much, right?
He could sense her hesitation and quickly added: "You don't have to answer them, if you aren't feeling up to it."
She shook her head. "No, that's fine." She pulled herself away from his embrace, sitting in the armchair. He took a few steps back, finding the desk and sitting on the edge of it. "Ask away..."
"Why didn't you call?" He didn't even hesitate... that one had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for a while now.
She wished she had an answer for him. But the simple truth was, sometimes her brain is in a war with itself. She had been in two minds about this whole situation from the very beginning. "I was... confused, I guess."
The words sounded as pathetic as she felt. Confused, as if she didn't understand an instruction.
"Did I do something?" His voice was quiet, shaky and unsure. She had filled this man of unshakable confidence with so much doubt.
"No." She shook her head, almost violently, rising from the chair to close the space between them. Closer to him, she reached out and touched her fingertips to his cheek, studying his eyes. She needed him to hear this, to absorb her words and believe the truth behind them. "God, no, Castle. You were... perfect. I just... everything happened so fast, you know? It-it was a lot to process, and I freaked out. I'm so sorry."
He nodded his acceptance of her words. But she wouldn't assume it was an acceptance of her apology. No, she still hadn't earned that. The hurt in his eyes refused to fade, but she wouldn't give up.
He reached up to his face, gently wrapping his hand around hers and pulling her away from his face. He stared at their hands, touching hesitantly, for a moment before lacing his fingers through hers and securing the hold. It baffled him - truly baffled him - how, even when she was the cause of his anxieties, she seemed to be the one to ease it.
They stood together for several minutes, not saying a single word, just allowing each other - their presence, their touch - to quiet the chaos. Each second that passed seemed to fix them, just a little bit.
"Have you spoken to Josh?" he asked, hesitantly. His hold on her hand tightened slightly, scared that she would try to pull away. But she didn't. She wouldn't.
"No," she answered honestly. "Not about this."
"But you have talked to him?" He suddenly became very aware that he knew nothing about their break-up.
Was it amicable... mutual? Or was it messy... hostile? Most importantly... had it been a clean break, or was there still some invisible string tying them to one another?
He knew the answer to that already. No invisible string... but a possible paternity bond...
He could see her hesitation, the way her eyes avoided his and her brow furrowed as she tried to conjure words.
"You said..." Over. She had said it was over.
"He came by my apartment... wanted to talk."
"To fix things..." He knew that 'talk' all too well, having trekked that journey a few times, himself. The 'I said some things I didn't mean' conversation... the desperate grasping. Just one more chance... "So... it's not over?"
She fixed her eyes to the floor. "It is."
"You don't seem entirely sure."
She didn't know how to explain it to him - the shame and guilt she felt. She had tried to convince herself she had done nothing wrong. She's not a cheater. She's not a liar. But every time, all she can see is the hurt look on Josh's face when he knew where she'd been. And a part of her - a very big part of her - wanted... no, needed, to make things right with him. She had never wanted to hurt him in that way.
"He'll never trust me again. If there was any chance for us to work things out, I absolutely obliterated it the moment I showed up on your doorstep. We're done."
"Okay." He was cautious, considering his next words with care. "Will that change when you tell him, though?"
"I'm not going to tell him." She rushed to correct Castle's assumption, the notion of having this conversation with Josh filling her with fear.
"Kate..."
She snapped. "What, Castle?"
His face dropped and she knew she'd been too harsh. He was trying... really trying to help her. "If it's his baby..."
"It might not be." She was clinging to that hope. It might not be...
"But if it is... he has a right to know."
She stood in silence. She shook her head slowly, fighting with the denial, but he could see she was absorbing his words.
"When I know..." she started.
"You don't have to do it now," he added.
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"This isn't how it's meant to be. This isn't..." she stopped, slowed her breathing to calm the emotions rising. "I bring so many complications to your life. I'm sorry."
He wrapped his arms around her. "It will get easier."
