May 2, 2011

He thought that he could mask the fear in his voice, but apparently not.

"Castle, just tell me what is going on," she demanded, voice crackling through the phone speaker. He should have at least moved out of the garage before calling her, but this felt urgent.

"Are you home yet? Maybe I can come over-"

"Castle!" she snapped, putting an end to his nervous rambling before it could even start.

Captain Montgomery didn't want her to know, ordered them not to tell her – not yet – but Esposito felt she had a right to know. Mike Royce was dead.

"It's about Royce…" his voice trailed off. He didn't want to say the words, didn't want to be the one to break the news. He had watched her do it a hundred times. He didn't have her skill, her ability to do this with grace.

He didn't have to, though. As soon as he muttered the name, she knew. She knew.

The world slowed as she pulled her car off to the side of the road.

I know I got no right to ask, but I need your help.

Her chest tightened. She couldn't breathe. Couldn't focus.

The fire's coming fast.

"What do we know?" She snapped into work mode, burying the pain.

"I don't- I don't know," he answered honestly. "Ryan and Esposito are on the scene. They just- they thought you should know."

"Where?"

"You can't go, Kate."

"Where?"

He surrendered the address of the crime scene, knowing she would get there one way or another. He didn't want to be an obstacle right now. He needed her to know he was on her side.

The line cut out. A dead spot, maybe? No, he wasn't that naïve. She had hung up on him. He knew he had to do something, but he didn't know what. He started his car, finally, and hoped that he would get there before she did.


He jogged toward the scene. He hadn't seen her car anywhere, so he hoped he had made it in time. He pushed through the crowd of onlookers, ducked underneath the crime scene tape, rounded the corner into the alley.

The Captain stood at the other end, same somber face he wore at the precinct. Castle made a beeline for him, ignoring the scene around him. He didn't want to see, but he couldn't help but look as he passed. The man Beckett admired, the man Beckett had once loved, the man that had shaken her faith so monumentally, lay dead behind a dumpster. And she was on her way to the scene.

"Castle, what the hell are you doing here?" Esposito's voice demanded his attention.

Castle ignored his question, pushing forward and continuing on his journey to the Captain.

"She's on her way," he informed the man.

"I was going to tell her-" Montgomery started to explain.

"Yeah? When?"

"I understand you're upset, that you might not agree with what I'm doing, but she's a liability."

The words took him by surprise. A liability.

"She's been checked out lately, and this - this either has something to do with it, or it could quite possibly send her over the edge. Either way, she can't be a part of this."

Castle's frustration subsided. "Well, I'm sorry." He nodded his head, flicked his eyes over the man's shoulders.

Montgomery turned to see the car approaching, lights flashing. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever wrath may be headed his way.

"Where is he?" she asked as soon as she was close enough. She wasn't going to waste time with pleasantries.

"Turn around and go back home and let me handle this. All right?" Montgomery's voice came across as pleading. No orders barked, just a desperate plea, a futile attempt to save her from this heartache for just a little bit longer.

"Sir, I've seen dead bodies before," she justified, as if this were just another dead body. No one would buy that, no one would allow such a rational justification in such emotional times.

And yet, Montgomery stepped aside, tilting his head toward where Royce took his final breath.

Castle couldn't believe Montgomery had conceded so easily. Where was the anger for his people going behind his back? The insistence that she shouldn't be here had vanished all too quickly.

Tell her to go home. Order her to stand down. Do… something!

She started to walk toward the body. Montgomery stayed silent.

Castle turned, striding to keep pace with her. "Come on, Kate. You don't want to remember him like this."

"Castle, if it was me lying there, would you just walk away?"

But it wasn't her. It wasn't her and therefore he didn't care what he would do. It was selfish, yes, but he couldn't handle this right now. He couldn't handle her grief potentially derailing the very few, very small steps they had taken.

He didn't know what to do. He was really growing tired of that feeling. The helplessness.

She stopped in her tracks as soon as Royce's face came into view. A wave of nausea rushed over her; her head began to spin.

"I'm so sorry, honey," Lanie choked out, emotions raw and painted across her face.

Kate closed her eyes. Maybe she wasn't ready. Taking a deep breath, she forced her eyes open, looking down at her feet. "Just, tell me what happened."

"He was shot in the leg. Judging from the blood trail, I'd say the bullet broke the bone. He tried to hide, but…" Lanie trailed off. She didn't need to finish her thought, it was obvious. He tried to hide, but it was too little, too late. He was found, he was killed.

Lifeless body left in an alleyway. Nobody was blind to the parallels there.

Kate crouched down beside the body, beside Royce, and took a moment to allow it to sink in, he's gone. When she stood again, she was ready to leave, to walk away. Ready to admit this was too much.

"Royce, um, had something else in his pocket." Lanie looked to Castle then back to Kate. "It's addressed to you."

She opened the letter as she turned away, reading.

"Is it about the case?" Castle asked, trying to restrain the curiosity in his voice.

She continued to read. "No."

She could sense Castle's presence, hovering, irritating. She stopped walking, and he nearly ran into her, his chest grazing lightly against her arm. She looked up from the letter to him. His eyes sparkled with concern, a sparkle that dissolved her irritation and replaced it with guilt. Here she was, once again, causing this man so much unnecessary stress.

"Go home, Castle."

"Where are you going?" he asked, even though he was sure he already knew.

"I'm going to the precinct."

"Then, so am I."

She held his gaze, considered her options. She knew he had made up his mind, he was stubborn. Rolling her eyes, she relented. "Fine."


It was late, fatigue was settling in, but she wouldn't give up yet. She knew she was pushing them too hard, she would rein it in soon. Let them go home, possibly even go home herself. But right now, she needed something, anything.

Like, a last minute plane ticket booked under a fake name. A lead, a good lead, that lead them straight back to LA.

"Beckett," Montgomery called, standing at his office door. The entire team looked in his direction, then to her. They had been waiting for this, they knew it would come sooner or later. "A word."

She moved slowly, purposefully. A million explanations, justifications, excuses, swirled in her mind. He didn't need to remove her from this case, she was fine.

Montgomery met Castle's gaze, tilting his head into his office, an invitation. Or an order, maybe. Either way, he obeyed, following closely until they stood side-by-side in front of the Captain's desk.

"Detective," he started. She didn't give him the opportunity to finish his sentence.

"I can do this, Sir."

"You're too close," he explained. His hands were tied, she couldn't continue.

"I am committed, I'm not compromised," she began rattling off the list in her head. The explanations, the justifications, but he wasn't interested.

"You're torn up," he called her bluff, voice stern, authoritative. She stared at him, like a deer in the headlights. Frozen in thought. "Kate, things between you and Royce ended badly. I get it. But that emotion is exactly why I need to assign this to someone else."

She remained, unmoving, silent. Eyes glistening with everything she was holding back. She bit down on her bottom lip, the pain in her flesh easing the pain in her heart.

"You know what, you're right. I am too close to this," she admitted, much to everyone's surprise. "I have some vacation days coming up, I think now will be a good time."

Realisation settled deep. She wasn't resigning from the case, she was going rogue. She was diving into this, regardless. Montgomery wanted to backpedal. At least if she was on the case, she would have backup. But he couldn't. Rules, regulations, protocols. He couldn't help her.

"Kate, I hope you're not thinking about doing something reckless."

"No, Sir." She bit her tongue, swallowed her guilt for lying to her superior. She knew he didn't buy it, but she also knew he wouldn't stop her. Couldn't stop her.

She walked out.

Castle looked to Montgomery, waiting for... something. An order. Advice. Anything.

"You're not here for my benefit, Castle."

He exited the office, walking toward her desk. She had already gathered her belongings, was already on her way out.

"Where are you going?" he called out to her. She stopped, but didn't turn. He could feel eyes on them, two overly concerned detectives nearby. Waiting, watching.

She took a breath, turned to face him.

"Home," she lied.

"The hell you are."

"Castle, please. Just… don't."

He wanted to push, wanted to take control. Take her home, make her stop. He wanted to protect her from herself.

She walked away. He let her go. Because, in the end, there was nothing he could do. Not if she didn't want him to.

She reached the elevator, stepped inside, pushed the button. He watched her, waited for her to look at him, but her eyes remained glued to the floor. The doors began to close and, finally, she looked up. It was a brief moment, a split second, but she looked to him and she offered him all she had - an apologetic smile.


May 3, 2011

She pulled her vibrating phone from her pocket, staring at the screen until his face disappeared and was replaced with a missed call notification.

She didn't want to be here again: ignoring his calls, too ashamed to answer, to talk to him. But it was different this time. She was going to call him back, the second the plane landed. The second it was too late for him to do anything to try and stop her. Because, even though she had boarded the plane and was minutes from take off, she wouldn't underestimate him. He probably had connections at the airport who could call in a favour and have this flight grounded. So, until she was certain she was in the clear, he could wait.

The flight was packed, cramped. She was lucky to get a ticket last night, one of the last left. A large man made his way down the aisle, eyeing the seat beside her. She groaned internally, already seated beside a larger-than-average man, the last thing she needed was to be wedged between him and another.

The man took his seat, smiling politely. His scent - either too much cologne or not enough - burned in her nostrils, stirring her already unsettled stomach. Instinctively she brought her hand up to her face, covering her mouth and nose. The man looked at her, insecurities marring his expression, she felt awful. It was entirely too late, but she shifted her hand, biting on her thumbnail as if that had been her true intent. She offered him a courteous smile, an apology of sorts, but the damage was done.

An air hostess made her way down the aisle. "Katherine Beckett?" she asked as she reached Kate's row.

"Yes?"

"Your seat has been upgraded," she explained.

Kate practically jumped from her seat. She wasn't sure how this happened, but she wasn't about to question it. The hostess escorted her to the front of the plane, to her newly assigned seat.

She shouldn't have been surprised, she should have somehow seen this coming. There, in the seat beside hers, sat none other than Richard Castle. He looked up at her, eyes filled with a mocking joy. He was so damn proud of himself.

"Champagne?" he offered. She just knew he'd been practicing that line in his head while he waited for her. He was smug, she hated it. Hated that he had figured out her plan, that he knew her so well, that he could read her like a book. "Just kidding. It's non-alcoholic cider, but feel free to order something else."

She sat in the seat beside him, buckling her seatbelt. She tried to be mad, but as she stretched her legs out, shuffled back into the comfortably cushioned chair, she couldn't help but smile. She schooled her expression before turning to her partner.

"You can't stop me from doing this, Castle," she said. She didn't explain exactly what this was, but he didn't need her to. He knew better than to overstep her boundaries.

"I'm not here to stop you," he clarified.

"Then why are you here?"

He shrugged. "To remind you that you're not alone, I guess."

She hung her head back, that stab of guilt back once again. She trusted that he wanted to be there for her, but she couldn't help but relate his words back to his promises, back to their current situation, back to everything that hung by such a thin thread, a thread that was beginning to fray.

"I know I'm not alone," she remarked, taking a calming breath.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded, she was as okay as she was going to be, for now.

After a few minutes, he dared to ask: "Did you know Royce was in town?"

"I haven't spoken to him, not since I arrested him."

"But you were expecting him to call you?"

She looked at him, confused.

"When I called you, yesterday," he jogged her memory.

Oh, right. "He tried to call, left me a message," she explained.

"What did he want?"

She looked at him, warning. He was treading dangerously close to prying. She didn't have the patience for that right now.

"You don't have to tell me." He granted her a pass. "But Montgomery thinks you know something." It was almost a challenge, daring her to confess or prove her innocence.

She frowned, shook her head, took the bait. "If I knew something, I would have said something."

"I know that." His voice was almost teasing, now. Trying to lightening the mood. They had a whole flight to survive, best not to rush in too deep too quickly.

"Oh, do you?"

"Yeah, if you knew this was coming, you would have been in a much worse mood."

"Right, because I've been such a treat to be around lately," she laughed.

"Oh, totally," he joked. He placed his hand over hers, the sensation of skin on skin garnering her full attention. "Insufferable, really."

She appreciated what he was doing. Yet again, seemingly reading her mind and giving her exactly what she needed to feel okay again. He'd push her, just enough to keep her moving, but not so far that she felt like she was free falling.

She was glad he was here.


The day had been challenging, to say the least. He felt like they had hit a brick wall: their most promising lead was back in New York City, they managed to land themselves on the local PD's radar and Kate had been absolutely berated by Montgomery in front of stupid Seeger. She had been humiliated.

But now, here they were, sitting entirely too close, and she was offering up personal information, reminiscing on the good old days with Royce, opening up to him. She wasn't pulling away, she wasn't shutting him out. In the face of adversity, she was allowing herself to lean on him.

He leaned back into the couch, into her space. "You know what I thought when I first met you?" he asked.

She shook her head, no.

"That you were a mystery I was never going to solve. Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm... I'm still amazed by the depths of your strength, and your heart." His mind was racing, telling him to slow down, to ease up on the heaviness. To not say too much, too soon.

The truth was, his heart was swelling. Beating strong, for her. He had said the words, weeks ago, when he was scared of losing everything. When he could feel the future he wanted slipping from his grasp. They were uttered in a desperate moment, but he meant them. He loved her. He wanted to say the words, but he didn't want to scare her away.

Lighten the mood, ease the tension.

"And by your hotness," he added.

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle," she quipped with a smile.

She reached out, brushed a finger along his collar. She could feel her heart beating wildly in her chest. Her eyes dropped to his lips, watching as the corners of his mouth twitched, the threat of a smile lurking there. The magnetic pull was too strong to ignore.

Their lips met, gently pressing against one another, dancing together in perfect synchrony. Her hand lifted, finding its place against his cheek, pulling him toward her. His hands made their way to her waist as his body pressed against hers.

She needed to stop using him to escape her emotions, but he worked so well. He knew exactly how to make her forget her troubles, knew how to take away her pain. And it was different this time, they were different. They both knew this was the end goal. That they were the end goal.

He moved his mouth to her neck, trailing kisses down to her shoulder, then back up to her jaw, before crashing his lips to hers again.

His heart was racing. The room felt like it was spinning. He was drunk on her. Bewitched by the memories they shared, blinded by anticipation.

He pulled himself from her lips, missing her instantaneously. "I'm sorry," he whispered, catching his breath.

"Sorry?"

"I get carried away," he explained.

"I kissed you," she recapitulated.

"Right," he agreed. "But you said you wanted to wait. That you had to know first."

He placed his hands over hers, trying to be comforting. He didn't want her to feel rejected, unwanted. Because, God, he wanted her.

"If you've changed your mind about us, I'm happy to discuss that." He paused, choosing his next words carefully. "If you haven't changed your mind, I just... I don't think I can handle having you just for the night."

She nodded her head slowly. She understood where he was coming from. The fear that this little bubble of theirs was about to burst was still at the forefront of her mind.

"It's getting late. I should go,"

He repeated his sentiment: "I really am sorry."

She smiled, shook her head.

He continued, "We'll work this out."

"I know." She didn't though, and that was the problem. She had too many doubts, too many fears that stopped her from giving in to him. Giving in to her own desires.

She rose from her position on the couch, picking her cellphone up from the coffee table and turning to head towards her bedroom. Once she reached the door, she placed a steadying hand on the door frame, looking back to her partner.

"Thank you. For being here, for reminding me that I'm not alone." It meant more than he would ever know.

"Always," he replied, drawing a smile from her.

And just when she felt like she was on the right track, like she had two feet planted firmly on solid ground for the first time in weeks, fate stepped in to knock her off balance again.

Her phone began to ring, the tone that was designated specifically for him. She looked down at the cell in her hand, at the face that illuminated the screen. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.

"Are you okay?" he asked, worried by her sudden vague expression.

"Um, yeah. I-" she couldn't form words, this had taken her by surprise. Eventually, she managed coherency. "It's Josh."

Her brain finally kicked into gear. She pushed on the little icon, connecting the line, and held the device to her ear. "Josh?"

Castle rose from the couch. He knew he should give her some privacy, but his feet just wouldn't work. She rushed into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

He just stood there, dumbfounded. This felt like a sneak attack, like a badly written plot twist, the cliffhanger you're left with in the season finale. He just wanted to skip to the end, to know where this was leading them.

But this wasn't one of his books.


"I waited for you to call, but you never called."

He had been drinking, that much was obvious.

"I miss you, Katie. We were good. We were so good. I just- I ruined it with my stupid ego and I'm so sorry."

She didn't know what to say to that. Her emotions were out of control right now. Hormones, Royce, Castle.

Oh, God... Castle. She had been caught so off guard that she had just run off and left him standing there.

And now she had been silent for too long, spent too much time mulling over these thoughts instead of talking to her obviously intoxicated ex.

But she didn't know what to say. She felt guilty, so guilty, that he didn't know about the baby. That he could be a father... and he had no idea.

That thought sent her stomach somersaulting. A father, that seemed surreal. And she was going to be a mother...

A wave of nausea rushed over her. Now was not the time to discuss this, not with Josh, not when he had been drinking.

"I figured it was about time to make things super awkward," he chuckled, her silence obviously amused him. But his amusement relieved her. She hadn't heard his laugh in so long.

"What took you so long, huh?" she inquired, jokingly.

He laughed again, the sound causing her to smile. She really did enjoy that sound. But it was short-lived.

"I just hope you can forgive me for being an idiot," he muttered softly.

Emotion swelled in her chest, spilled from her eyes. God, why couldn't he be this sweet when it actually mattered? She wiped her face with the back of her hand, she felt so stupid.

"We both made our fair share of mistakes," she whispered.

"I want to see you again," he declared. "Are you at home? I need to see you."

"I'm out of town, for work," she informed him.

She wasn't sure what she would have said if she was home. If she didn't have this excuse handy, would she have given in to his request?

"When you get back?" She stayed quiet for what felt like forever to him. "Please?" he pleaded.

His voice sounded so broken, so lost.

"I'll let you know when I'm back in town," she caved.

"Love you, Katie." His lowered inhibitions betrayed him, the words spilling from him before he had even registered them. He could say it was habit, but that would be a lie.

Her heart shattered into a million pieces. For him, for her, for Castle. "Goodbye, Josh," she said softly before hanging up.

She walked back to the bedroom door and peaked out, but Castle was gone. She sighed and went to bed.

But sleep wouldn't come easily.