May 8, 2011

Castle sat by the door, back pressed against the wall, waiting. This experience was... new. Not something he was entirely comfortable with, because he felt so helpless.

"You okay in there?" he called over his shoulder after a few minutes of silence.

"Mmhmm," he heard uttered meekly, followed by a strong heaving. The sound made his stomach churn, and he wasn't certain that he wouldn't end up going out in sympathy with her.

She had barely made it into the loft before the nausea became too much and sent her running in the direction of the closest available bathroom, his en suite.

That was almost fifteen minutes ago, now.

Another few minutes passed before he heard the flushing of the toilet and the sounds of the faucet running. Relief filled him, it's over now.

The door beside him opened and she stepped out, looking down at his figure slumped against the wall. He smiled up at her, held out the spare toothbrush he had grabbed from the upstairs bathroom while she was... otherwise occupied.

"Thank you," she said, grabbing the brush and walking back into the en suite.

"Feel any better?" he asked when she walked back out again.

"Much." Kate held out her hand, helped him to his feet. "Thank you."

Her heart skipped a beat when he didn't release his grasp of her hand, when he linked his pinky finger around hers, instead. Such a small act, but it felt monumental.

Now that she wasn't hyper focused on her breathing, on trying not to throw up before she reached the bathroom, she took a moment to take in her surroundings, pulling away from him to wander through his space.

"Thanks for the juice," she said as she took in the artwork on his bedroom wall.

A lion and an elephant. Strength, ferocity, intelligence. Fitting artwork for the writer, she thought.

She hadn't paid much attention the last - and only - time she was here, too caught up in herself to really take it all in.

"Doesn't seem to be helping," Castle noted. She could feel his eyes on her, watching as she took in the details of his space. She knew that he loved when her curious side crept through.

"It did help. I only had a little bit." She pulled her attention from the photographs on the wall, looked him in the eye and offered him a small, genuine smile. "It helped," she assured him.

"Why are you here, Kate?" Castle asked her after allowing her another few minutes of mental note taking. "Not that I'm not happy to see you. Just... when we talked this afternoon, you said you had some thinking to do. It was very... ominous."

"Sorry about that. I wasn't trying to be cryptic, I just-" she took a breath, considered her next words. "It has been pointed out to me that maybe I should think a little more about things before I do them."

Castle smiled, lost in his thoughts. She wished she knew exactly what he was thinking, but she was pretty sure she knew the general gist.

"I see you don't disagree," she added.

"I'm not exactly the poster boy for well thought out actions."

She smiled, repressed a laugh. No, neither one of them were shining examples of good decision making.

Her smile faded into a tight line.

"I saw Josh yesterday."

"Oh yeah? How did that go?"

Did you tell him? She could see the question forming on his lips, but he didn't say it.

She took a deep breath. She didn't want to have this conversation.

"You don't have to tell me," he said. Insisted, even. "Whatever happened, that's between you and Josh."

"I'm sorry. When he called the other night, he said he wanted to see me. So, I figured now was as good a time as any to tell him but, I uh, I'm a coward."

"You're not a coward," he protested.

"No." She shook her head. "I'm a coward, Castle. He kissed me, and I let him because I just didn't want him to hate me anymore."

"Why are you telling me this? You don't have to, it's not like we are together. You made it clear you wanted to wait."

"But since that conversation I've done things... I've done so many things that might have made you think I had changed my mind about that."

"Is that why you're here? You've come to tell me that you've changed your mind altogether... that this is never going to happen?"

She watched as he braced himself for the possibility, for the yes. Stiffened shoulders, carefully masked expressions.

"No."

She could see that he didn't quite trust her reassurances.

"Do you still love him?"

"Lanie thinks that I'm clinging to what I know," she justified, bypassing his question. "All I know is that I can't trust what I'm feeling right now."

Castle shook his head. "It was one thing to wait around, through the ups and downs and confusion and processing when I thought that you were working toward trusting me, trusting that I was going to be there for you and the baby." He took a breath, remained measured in his response. "But I don't want to just stand by for you to decide that you never wanted me, you just wanted an escape."

His voice wavered. An escape. Was that all he ever was?

He paced toward the door, before turning back to face Kate.

"I don't want us to be something of circumstance. I don't want to be with you because you might be having my baby." He stepped closer to her, once again closing that distance. "I want to be with you because I love you. I love you and I can love this baby, too, no matter what. Why isn't that enough? What else can I do to show you that I mean this?"

"This isn't on you, Castle. I'm not... I don't want to end this. I messed up, with Josh. I let things get out of hand and I'm so confused. I'm giving you the chance to walk away, because you sure as hell don't deserve this."

"That's an excuse. You're not trying."

"I am," she promised, tearfully.

"Not hard enough."

His words - spoken so softly in a voice so broken she barely recognised it - broke her heart into a million tiny pieces. She knew he deserved more, so much more, and the very real risk of losing him became all the more apparent.

"I have a long way to go in regard to dealing with this, to be okay with what the future holds for me," she explained. "I just want you to know that I am doing what needs to be done. I am going to... get better. Because I can see it - I can see a future where this works, a future that could be everything I've ever wanted and... I want that, I do. But if I'm ever going to get there, I need to make changes, within myself. I just hope it isn't too late."

She wanted an answer now, to know if he was taking this opportunity to walk away or not. But she knew she wouldn't get it. Not yet. She owed him so much, starting with a little time, patience and understanding, the very least of what he has offered her over these past weeks.

She stepped forward, placed a hand over his right cheek and pressed her lips gently to his left.

"You deserve all the happiness in the world, Castle."

I hope one day I can give you that...

She showed herself out, cried on the drive home, reminded herself that this was only the beginning of their story, not the end. But she knew that was beyond her control now.


He felt like he had paced a hole in his floor. Back and forth, past the shelves of books that lined his office, for over an hour.

She had assured him, again and again, that her relationship with Josh was done. Over. Not going to be an issue. He had tried to school his reaction to their meeting up, to ignore the anxiousness that filled him just by thinking about her and Josh in the same room. He knew this was coming. He had encouraged it. But, after losing Royce, he knew that she was struggling with Josh's absence even more.

His heart was racing a million miles ahead of his brain. That little progress, those small steps, had he imagined them?

No, he hadn't imagined them.

But since that conversation I've done things...

She had let him think that they were making progress, let him think that this could work. All while keeping Josh waiting by the side-lines. It was becoming clearer that, if this baby was Josh's, there was a real chance he would lose her. A real chance that she would choose Josh.

Pacing wasn't helping, wasn't doing what it was supposed to. He had all this energy coursing through him - anxious, angry, uncontrollable - and the pacing just wasn't burning it off. He reached out, grabbed a book from the shelf and hurled it against the wall.

Much better...

But the satisfaction didn't last long. He wasn't this person, this angry, wreck of a person.

"Richard, what the hell is going on in here?" Martha asked as she entered the office, cautiously.

He sighed, regret filled every fibre of him. "I'm sorry, Mother. Everything is fine," he reassured her.

He rounded his desk, took a seat in his office chair, worked on calming the anger that boiled in his blood.

"You don't expect me to believe that, do you?"

He looked at her, took in the concern that marred her face. No, he didn't expect her to believe that.

"What happened with Katherine?" his mother asked, knowing exactly what would have him so riled up.

"She's all over the place."

"She's hormonal," Martha countered.

"She's hiding," he returned, his anger rising again.

Martha lowered herself into the armchair across from him, settling in for what could possibly be a lengthy conversation. "Hiding from what?"

Castle shrugged. Him? Reality? The consequences of her decisions? There were so many things that Kate was hiding from.

"It's not supposed to be this hard," he said, staring at the wall across from his desk. Not this hard, not this soon.

"Nothing about this was ever going to be easy, kiddo. You knew that. You just have to ask yourself," she looked around the room, to the book on the floor, "is it worth it?"

"I thought it was," he said, portentously.

"Once the DNA is confirmed, things will get better," Martha stated as if it were a matter of fact and not mere optimism.

"I thought you were firmly on the 'run' side of the debate?" he asked.

"I am firmly on the 'whatever you decide, I will support' side," she clarified. "You care for Katherine, that much is obvious. And under any other circumstances I would have been thrilled that you were... connecting."

"I don't feel very connected..." he sulked. "I want to be with her. I know that we can figure this out. But if she isn't going to trust that, if she is always going to stay guarded, stay one foot out the door, then I can't keep putting myself through that."

"Katherine's hesitation changes things..." Her voice trailed off.

"I guess it does," he sighed. "She thinks I should take a step back, rethink my commitment."

He leant forward, elbows digging into his thighs, head buried in his hands. He was deflated, both physically and emotionally. Long gone was the version of him who would say love conquers all and run head first into the battle with his heart on his sleeve.

"Maybe her giving you the chance to step back is a good thing? Maybe you both just need a little more time to think things over."

"Why do I feel like it's her running, but trying to turn it around onto me and make me seem like the one who is running?"

Martha raised an eyebrow. "It seems she isn't the only one having trouble trusting intentions."

He shot his mother a glare; he hated when she was right.

"I'm just saying," she excused, tossing her hands in the air defensively.

"She said that she can see the future she wants, that it's within reach, but she has changes she needs to make, and she hopes it's not too late."

"That sounds optimistic."

"The last thing I need is more misguided optimism." He sat back in his chair, hung his head against the back of it. "I think I'm just going to go to bed. I'm tired."

He was dismissing her. There was nothing his mother could say that would make this any easier, but it was nice to know that she was here for him.

Martha rose from her perch on the armchair, walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, reassuring, affirmative. He's not alone in this.

Castle smiled, thankful for his family.

"Goodnight, Richard," she said as she walked toward the door. She stopped, just short of exiting, and turned back to him. "Tomorrow is a new day."