9 May, 2011
He tried to sleep, he really did. Tried to put this, put her, out of his mind. It frustrated him to no end that he couldn't seem to think of anything else.
He was angry. Beyond angry. He was offering her everything she could ever want or need, and more. He would travel to the ends of the Earth for her, love and care for her, provide for a baby that might not even be his, for her. But that just wasn't enough.
But the part that angered him the most was that he couldn't accept that it was best to just walk away. He couldn't accept that there can be happiness without her. It might be difficult at first. He would have to give up Nikki Heat, give up the precinct, his friendships with everyone there, possibly even the city he'd always called home. But he could do it. He could move on, be happy in a new life without her. A life that she hadn't touched, tainted, darkened.
But he didn't want that. He would never want that. Sometimes he really hated his stubborn heart.
Twelve hours had passed. Twelve hours and maybe, maybe a combined total of four hours of that had been spent sleeping. As soon as the sound from that first morning traffic rush started to drift through his open window, he gave up on the idea of getting anything more than that.
He pulled himself from bed and trudged to the kitchen, turning on the coffee machine. He moved aimlessly around the kitchen, checking the pantry and the fridge for a snack, but nothing appealed to him.
He grabbed his laptop from the dining table, where he had left it last night. He propped it open on the countertop, pushed the power button and moved back to the coffee machine to make his beverage while the device whirred into action.
If he couldn't get Kate off of his mind, he was at least going to make it beneficial, turning his thoughts of her into thoughts of Nikki.
Kate arrived to the V.B Tower Hotel. Ryan and Esposito were first to arrive, which allowed her a little more time to gather herself before work.
She had barely slept: tossing and turning, the urge to call Castle growing stronger as each hour passed. She wanted to call him and beg him not to give up on her, on them. To tell him that she was sorry for everything she had put him through. That she was ready.
In all honesty, when she gave him the chance to walk away, she had expected him to shut that down instantly. To tell her he wouldn't walk away, he would never leave her alone in this. Because he was the forgiver: always had been, and she thought he always would be. But when he didn't say anything, didn't offer her any sort of reassurances, she knew she had pushed him too far, taken him for granted. She knew that she was closer to the edge of that cliff than she had realised.
She was so close to losing him, possibly already had. And she was terrified.
She entered the theatre, scanned her surroundings, readied herself to dive into another case. She was still processing the loss of Royce, still raw, unhealed.
"No Castle?" Esposito asked as he and Ryan approached her.
She offered a small smile. "Not today."
The boys looked at each other, concerned.
"It's fine, guys," she reassured them.
"Shame he's not here. Castle would have loved this one," Esposito said.
Her interest piqued, what was so special about this case? "Oh yeah?"
"Our victim," Ryan continued, "is a beauty pageant contestant."
Her eyes lit up with an idea. "You're right, Castle would love this."
She knew that she should give him space, but she desperately wanted to cling to him in any way she could. If she could appeal to him via an intriguing case, it was worth a shot. She looked around the room, taking in the scene again and weighing up her options.
"Techs are just getting started," Ryan mentioned, seemingly reading her mind. The words he didn't speak were clear: there's still plenty of time to call Castle in.
"I'll be back," she said, turning to exit the theatre.
A few steps out the door, she pulled her phone from her pocket and dialled his number. She prepared herself for the very likely possibility that he won't answer, tried to ease that pain before it was inflicted. But when she heard the click of the line connecting, her heart skipped a beat, filled with possibility.
"Castle," he answered, upbeat.
"Hey." She took a breath, tried to calm her nerves, brace for possible rejection. Trying to remain as casual as possible, she mustered her confidence and asked: "You coming to work today?"
He arrived at the scene in under twenty minutes. That had to be a record. She met him by the curb, had been anxiously standing there, waiting, for the past few minutes. When he jumped out of the taxicab with such enthusiasm, she couldn't help but smile.
"Hey," she greeted as he walked toward her.
"Hey," he replied, with a smile. "I didn't expect you to call."
"I didn't expect you to answer."
"Alexis," he offered as an explanation. "She's... simmering. I didn't want her to think-"
"I get it," she interrupted. He didn't have to explain, she really did get it. Alexis had remained mad at her since their last falling out, if the girl was finally coming around, finally warming up to her again, she understood why Castle wouldn't want to let on that things were tense, again. That Kate had hurt him, again.
But his confession told her two things, two heart breaking things.
One: that she had put him in a position where he felt he had to hide his feelings from his family.
And two: that his enthusiasm for being here wasn't genuine.
"You didn't have to come," she said, offering him an out, a chance to leave.
"Are you kidding? A murder in the theatre of the V.B Tower Hotel? Victor Baron's place!" He summoned the enthusiasm from earlier, reassuring her that he did want to be here. ""It's not the Baron, is it?"
She didn't want it to be awkward, so she dove right into the case. She was just glad he showed up. She started walking toward the theatre and Castle followed her lead.
"No," she answered. "But you won't be disappointed. This one's right up your alley."
"Why's that?"
"Because our victim is a contestant."
His jaw dropped, beautifully theatrical. "Death of a beauty queen. Scandalous."
She could tell he was putting a lot of energy into being okay. They both were. They had a long way to go, but she had faith that a case, that working together, would help them. Distance, time, space... all the things she would usually rely on, they weren't going to help her this time.
"Is that America's dad, Bobby Stark?" he asked as they entered the crime scene. "What's he doing here?"
"He's the pageant host," she explained. "Oh, please don't tell me that you watch his sitcom."
"Family Foibles? Half of what I know about being a father, I learned from watching that show."
"Oh, that's comforting," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
She bit her tongue, worried that she may have offended him, but the smile plastered on his face as he looked at her told her otherwise. It may not have been a warm and fuzzy sentiment, but she had just acknowledged the possibility of him raising her child, completely unprompted and in a way that wasn't filled with an alarming undertone of trepidation. It was more hope than she'd given him so far, and she could see that it meant something to him.
"Hey Beckett," Ryan garnered her attention, notepad in hand and ready to inform her of what information he had gathered since their attempted debrief earlier. "Castle."
"What's the story?"
A crime scene tech walked behind her, accidentally pushing into her. She stumbled, but found her footing, turned to face the offending tech.
"Sorry," he muttered, continuing on his journey.
But she had turned around too fast. It felt as thought the weight from her head lifted, then dropped - very suddenly - to the pit of her stomach. Dizzy and nauseous, she turned back to detective Ryan.
She shouldn't have skipped breakfast, should have forced herself to stomach something. But it was too late for that now, she just had to try and power through.
Ryan began to read out his notes from interviewing the pageant manager. Details of the victim and the manager's recounting of events leading up to now. She tried to listen, tried to focus, but the room was spinning.
Ryan and Castle moved, turning their attention to Perlmutter. Castle stepped away from her and she could feel herself losing balance. She stepped closer, moving with him, and placed her hand on his arm to steady herself.
"Are you okay?" he whispered, his concern growing as he noticed her dazed expression.
She shook her head, no, but she couldn't form the words. She looked away from Castle, redirecting her limited focus to Ryan and Perlmutter who were looking at her with curious eyes. She swallowed the rise in her throat, took a deep breath. "Excuse me."
She barely got the words out before she was moving, walking away from them, from the scene.
"Cause of death?" Castle asked Perlmutter, hoping to distract them.
"She alright?" Ryan asked, obviously concerned.
He racked his brain for a story, any story, that would ease their minds. Food poisoning, stomach flu, appendicitis, a new medication...
"Big night," he responded. He groaned, internally. Seriously? That's the best you could come up with?
Ryan didn't buy it. "With Josh?" he asked for clarification. He was fishing, Castle knew that.
But in that moment, Castle realised just how in the dark the boys were in regard to the events of these past weeks. He wanted to tell Ryan that she and Josh had broken up, but he knew that wasn't his place. The thought of them thinking she was with Josh made him angry, given the events of the weekend. He wished there was a clean break there.
And just like that, his anger had returned. It felt right to be with her, working or not, just being in her presence. But, until she set clear boundaries with Josh - for herself as well as Josh - he wouldn't be able to move forward. They wouldn't be able to move forward.
The day had been long, made even longer by high tensions and unrestrained emotions. Murder, blackmail, heartbreak. There was a lot to process.
He sat back in his office chair, sipping on the whiskey he had been nursing for almost an hour now.
His heart was breaking for Alexis. He wanted to tell her that she was making a mistake, that she shouldn't rush into such a big decision, but who was he to be offering any sort of advice right now?
He heard the faint sound of a knock on the door. He rose from his seat, making a pitstop to place his whiskey glass by the kitchen sink before answering the door.
He opened it, surprised by who was standing on the other side.
"Lanie?" he questioned.
"Hi."
He stepped aside, gesturing with his hand for her to come in.
"I hope you don't mind me dropping by unannounced," Lanie said as she entered the loft.
"Of course not," he said, closing the door behind them. Although surprising, he knew why she would be here. There was only one reason, one blaringly obvious reason: Kate. "Is everything okay?" he asked.
She nodded, looking around the loft.
"They're upstairs, but you can talk freely," he explained, knowing why she was hesitating. He appreciated her caution.
She offered him a warm smile. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine," he said, remaining aloof.
She rolled her eyes, these two were as bad as each other with this I'm fine nonsense.
"I just wanted to let you know that I am... aware of the situation."
"I figured." He appreciated her reaching out to him, but he just wanted her to get to the point.
"Look, I don't know all that much about your personal life. I don't know who it is you talk to in times like this. But I know you need someone."
He smiled. "You offering me a shoulder to cry on?"
"I don't think I'm the girl for that, sorry," she said, returning his smile. "But in saying that, if you don't have someone to turn to, I am here for you. I know I'm Kate's friend but that doesn't mean I don't recognise right and wrong."
"You don't agree with how she's handling things?" he asked, sensing that Lanie might be a little more team Castle than he originally assumed.
"I didn't say that, just to be clear," she smiled, he smiled, the boundary had been set and understood. She was Switzerland. "She's scared. And when she's scared, she doesn't make the best decisions."
He clenched his jaw, straightened his posture. She makes horrible decisions, he thought. It was painful to know that he was one of those decisions.
"She told me that you're reconsidering things."
He could hear the pleading undertone in her words. He shrugged. Considering, not necessarily reconsidering. But he wasn't about to go making promises that he might not be able to keep.
"You do what you need to do. I just hope that she hasn't done irreversible damage."
He knew that whatever he said next held significance. He trusted that this conversation with Lanie would remain confidential, that she wasn't going to run back to Kate and recount this interaction word for word, but he knew that whatever he said now would influence how Lanie advised her friend going forward.
"Nothing irreversible," Castle reassured her.
That much he knew was true. The damage wasn't irreversible, not yet. But it was there.
