Two years, one month before the 128th annual reaping
-Ember Caine, District 12-
She didn't want to wake up. Just the thought of getting out of bed was already exhausting to Ember. Gone are the days when life was easy, fun, joyous. She was only a kid, but reality didn't discriminate. When it was time for fate to wrap her cold, immovable arms around you, there was no escaping. She was too tired to fight it anymore.
What even was the point anymore? To some it sounded dramatic, but Ember didn't care. She honestly didn't know. She didn't know what her purpose was. She didn't know why something this terrible and tragic had to happen to such good people. Her life had been turned upside down, and she couldn't do anything about it. Damn what grandpa said… She was just a kid. He only played that card when it was convenient for him. She was a woman in all the ways he needed her to be, but when she wanted to think for herself… Well, certainly couldn't have that, she was just a child.
Just thinking about it filled Ember's heart with fire. Fire that burned like coals. Coal, the fine black powder that lived constantly on her clothes, under her fingernails, just barely protected by her thin, worn clothes, clinging to her hunger-stricken frame…
Ember rolled over in bed. She had to go to school. She had to learn, be educated, just to have a shot at a better future someday. She set her mind on that goal, and Ember Caine never gave up.
Perhaps that was how she managed to make it out of bed every day. Whether it was hope or spite, Ember didn't know. Perhaps, in a way, they were two birds of a feather.
Whatever it was, Ember's feet kissed the floor. Her shoulders, while slouched slightly from the early morning, were upright. Her chin, while for the moment resting downwards, would soon come up, greeting the sun that streamed in through her window.
Mornings were never particularly easy for Ember, but since she lost her parents, every morning was made so much harder. No longer did she hope for her parents to come home after work. No longer could she be kissed good night by her mother. No longer would she have long nights with her father, talking about life and the world around them…
Ember could feel the horror climbing up her chest like tar, spreading through her veins, crawling around her lungs and holding them, keeping them from expanding. It was such a horrible feeling, and Ember was no stranger to it. Every time she thought of her parents, the fear and pain was paralyzing.
What did Dad say? He had so many good strategies to handle anxiety, after living with it for his whole life… His life which ended so soon… Too soon, leaving Ember behind…
Ember grabbed handfuls of her shorts, which were two sizes too big and bunched up around her thighs. She did everything she could to try and bring herself back down to earth. She was so tired of spiraling like this every single morning… What would Dad think, after so long training her how to function?! That only caused her to feel worse. She was letting him down, she was a failure, and there was nothing she could do to help herself, not without him…
"You up?"
Ember took a long blink, realizing just now how she was hyperventilating and how deep into her own head she was. She tried to release her grip on her shorts, appear like she was alright for her big brother's sake… She knew how he was so worried about her. She tried not to make him worry…
No, she can't allow herself to keep spiraling like this.
Five. Five. Five things I can see. Ember's lip quivered as she looked around the room. She saw her dresser. The clothes that we rehanging on her closet door. Blaise, her brother. Shoes, on the ground scattered around. She saw her backpack.
Four. Four. Four things I can touch. She was sitting on her bed. Her feet were on the floor. She was touching the clothes she was wearing, handfuls of her shorts. And she could reach over and touch the blanket on her bed, which she did. It was soft.
Three. Three. Three things I can hear. She could hear the footsteps of her family members in the hall, going back and forth. She could hear her own breaths, in through her nose and out through her mouth. And… She could hear the birds outside her window, enjoying the morning. How she envied them.
No. Two. Two. Two things I can smell. She smelled the familiar scent of her brother, not bad (because he wasn't sweating), but unique to Blaise. She could smell the musty air within the house. This was her home now. She still wasn't used to it.
One. One. One thing I can taste. Well, the only thing she could taste now was the morning breath in the back of her throat. That much wasn't pleasant – but sometimes, that was enough to bring her out of that place.
Ember closed her eyes and took some deep breaths. In through her nose and out through her mouth. She was on earth, in District Twelve, in her new bedroom in her new house. Her brother had come in to tell her good morning and check on her, and she was going to be alright. For him.
"I'm awake," she said, annoyed at how her voice sounded so feeble. That wasn't going to convince him. Not after what happened to their parents.
"Get ready for school," Blaise said, trying to give her a smile. "We'll leave in ten, before Grandpa gets up."
Ember took a sharp breath at the mention of him. She didn't want to think about him today. She never looked forward to coming home to him. Scolding her for going to school, forcing the chores on her….
"C'mon." Blaise's voice brought Ember back out of her thoughts. "You'll feel better when you have something to do."
Ember knew that wasn't completely true. Anxiety was unpredictable, and it could strike at any minute. That was why it made life so much harder to live, and all this shit harder to deal with. She didn't want to let Blaise down, so she did what he said. Ember found the strength in her to get up and get changed for school. Blaise went to make sure that Quartz, their youngest sister, was asleep in her crib. Ember envied that she would never understand the pain of losing the parents she loved: she was just an infant, she wouldn't ever remember their parents. Ember wished she could just forget too, sometimes.
No, she didn't, but sometimes, she just wanted to pretend that if her situation was different, it would hurt less. It helped her to feel less weak.
With the baby checked on and cared for and breakfast eaten, Blaise and Ember walked to school together. Ember knew that the world wasn't a safe place – she had once felt that way, but now she realized it was all a mirage. There was no such thing as safety. Not anymore.
At least school would get her mind off of everything that was happening. She was happy that she was assigned a seat next to her best friend Mara. They'd been thick as thieves ever since they were seven, and now, seven years later, they were still close. Ember was so thankful for Mara, especially after the accident…
No, she wasn't going to think about it. She and Mara would talk about the book they were going to totally write someday. They were making a fantasy world, and today they were going to design the dragons. Or maybe they would talk about the lands. Or maybe the dashing lad who would valiantly protect the heroine in her weakest moment.
Something was different when she walked into the small building. Blaise didn't seem like he could feel it, but Ember felt like she had eyes on her. That's… Not completely unusual, after what happened. Some of her classmates also lost their parents in the fight, but she was the only of them that lost both. However, the vibe was just different. She couldn't put her finger on it.
Oh, there was Mara! She was talking to some other girls. Ember hurried to catch up with her.
"Hey! Mara!" she called. The girl turned and walked away. Ember's anxiety flared right away. Did she do something wrong? Was Mara mad at her for some reason. Ember started thinking about the last time they talked. It had seemed a little weird. Her nerves were reignited now. They only flared when the girls that were talking to Mara snickered to themselves when Ember walked past them. Did she have something on her face? Ember reached up to wipe by the corners of her mouth, which caused them all to smirk, their eyes obviously on her as she walked past.
Five. Five. Five.
It's okay. I didn't do anything to make Mara upset with me…
Nothing that you know of. You could have hurt her feelings accidentally. Then what?
No, that's not true. She would have told me if something I did bothered her.
Would she?
She had to talk to Mara before class. "Mara!" she called again. Could Mara not hear her or was she ignoring her? Ember tried to put away her worries. Why would Mara ignore her?
"What's the matter?" asked a voice behind her. The group of girls that Mara was talking to approached Ember, who frowned. "You look… Scared."
"I was just trying to catch up with my friend," said Ember, trying to keep her feelings in. These girls had no business knowing how she felt. They didn't think that Ember could hear the sarcasm that dripped from their uber-concerned voices, pretending to care, and why? "Excuse me, please."
"Mara doesn't like you anymore, didn't you hear?" asked another girl, which caused Ember to stop in her tracks and turn around to face them. She wouldn't let them speak for her friend. Not when they'd been friends for so long…
Ember had the feeling that it was true.
"I know it must be hard, after losing your parents, to lose your best friend," said another girl, her voice mocking as they all tried to hold back a laugh, having the audacity to pretend they were crying. "That's certainly not going to help that frantic anxiety, is it?"
"You poor soul, that damaged brain that just can't stop making you afraid."
Ember looked up when her friend arrived, trying to hide how her eyes were filling with tears. How did they know about her anxiety? That wasn't something Ember put on display. She felt relieved when Mara came over to the group.
"Mara!" she said, but by the look on her face Ember knew something was very wrong.
"Stay afraid, Seam girl," Mara said, and when the other girls laughed, she smirked. She looked just like them now. Not like the girl that Ember knew. What changed?! What did Ember do?! "You know your place, and you'll stay in it."
The other girls practically flocked to her, all of them laughing and continuing to smirk as Mara shoved Ember backwards, knocking the notebook out of her hands as papers spilled out of it onto the floor. The posse walked to class together as the late bell rang, and Ember was left alone. Tears started to pour out of her eyes, and there was nothing she could do to stop them.
Five… Five…
Five…
No…
Five… Five… Things…
"I saw what happened." The voice startled Ember, and she stared at the person with teary eyes. It was a boy from her class. She couldn't remember his name… But he was now picking up the papers that were scattered around on the floor while Ember just… Sat there! She tried to hide her tears, but she couldn't anymore. They were coming out and there was nothing she could do except for try not to cry too loud.
"Are you hurt?"
Ember just barely managed to shake her head as the nice boy organized her papers and held out the stack to her. It took all her strength to reach over and take them from him, and she could barely force out a thank you.
"Class…" she said, realizing that school had begun and they were both still here.
"Sh," he said, reaching down a hand to help her up. Ember, her arms shaking, reached out and took it, and he helped her up. "Do you need to go to the nurse?"
Ember shook her head. She could go to the bathroom. Maybe there she could calm down… Five… Five…
"I'm going to go to the bathroom and get you some paper towels. Stay right there. I'll be right back." He said that as if Ember could move. She could only stay there and gape, still processing what happened as tears rolled down her face and weakly splashed on the floor at her feet. Before she could say anything, he was back with paper towels, which were rough but at least kept anymore snot from coming out of her nose. Ember took them, still shaking a little bit, and blew her nose. It felt good to at least be able to breathe out of it again.
"Why don't we go out and get some fresh air?"
Ember frowned, feeling terrible that he was skipping class for this, but unable to speak coherently enough to protest as he led her outside. Like he said, the fresh air on her face really did make her feel calmer. Being away from Mara and her new cronies was what Ember needed. How foolish she was to trust any of them. She should have known better, but she didn't expect that Mara would change like this. The world was a horrible, horrible place.
And yet, for every Mara, there was someone like this person here. Someone that made the world better, and lent a helping hand. Ember was so thankful for that.
He stayed with her, keeping a respectable distance as they both sat on the stairs outside the schoolhouse. He kept passing her tissues, and didn't talk. He only offered his presence there. And even though she didn't know him, it made her feel safe.
Ember ran through her five things once again. This time, she felt much better by the end. She took a few deep breaths and then she felt like she was able to speak. "Thank you," she said quietly.
"No need to thank me. Are you feeling better?"
Ember nodded. "Yes." He offered her a drink from his thermos, which she took. At this point, she was so thirsty she didn't mind the supposed cooties.
"What's your name?" he asked, kindness in his eyes. "I'm Flint."
"Flint," she said. That rang a bell. "I'm Ember."
"Nice to meet you, Ember. I'm going to stay with you until you feel ready to go back in."
Ember sniffled and looked into his kind face. She didn't trust easily, but… Looking into his gentle (and handsome) face, she couldn't help it.
"Thank you Flint. I really needed someone like you."
~.~.
One year, eight months before the 128th annual reaping
-Vasilisa Castle, District 11-
She always pretended that a swipe through social media would make her feel better. It was the only thing she really had the energy to do, after all. It allowed her mind to wander as she scrolled past pictures of smiling people – some of them the people she had once called her friends. She always knew that they were only hanging out with her because of status, but she didn't think she would ever need them. And when she did… Well, they weren't there. She wasn't sure why she was so surprised, but… Well, after all the good times together, she hoped that at least one of them would stick around. But when she stopped being fun, she was dumped off. Even though she knew it all along, it still hurt.
Vasilisa sighed and shook her head as she scrolled past pictures that were obviously from a party. She knew because she'd once been the life of the party. Now, though, well, life itself was pretty hard to find. She always woke up with that uncomfortable pit in her stomach, which made her physically ill on top of the emotional pain that just never seemed to stop. Things like social media seemed to numb her, at least. Perhaps it was the bright colors, and the occasional post that was clever enough to warrant a like. At least it was something, right?
She hit the bottom of the page and sighed to herself. She'd already stayed up looking at all these posts last night. She squished the soft liquid gel case on her phone, knowing that the colorful glitter would disperse when she did so. Having her hands doing something usually kept her mind from wandering, wandering to what she was missing.
It may have been the weekend, but Vasilisa knew that her father would be seeing clients, and that was the only reason she had to get out of bed. She knew that his work was important, and without it she wouldn't have all these nice things. And Vasilisa liked nice things.
Vasilisa was feeling blue again by the time she'd gone to the bathroom and gotten ready for the day. She hated this constant feeling of sadness, but nothing seemed to help. Daddy could buy her whatever she wanted, but it would never be enough. He would never be her.
She sighed quietly as she walked into the kitchen, past the den where Daddy was with a client.
"Good morning Vasilisa!" called Joakim.
"Oh, good morning." She tried to put some energy into her voice, remembering that they were still a client. But she had known them for so long that it didn't last.
"How are you, Princess?" asked Daddy.
"I'm alright," she said. That was how she answered every morning, with varying degrees of success in convincing him it wasn't a lie. Besides, she couldn't carry herself in an unprofessional way in front of one of his clients.
The two adults went back to discussing their matters, in hushed voices as they always did. Vasilisa walked past the room to get something to eat for breakfast, but stopped when she heard something that made her ears perk up.
"They're going to stay hush hush for sure, right?"
"Only if they are paid in full."
"Well then, I suppose you don't have much of a choice. Let's look at your records." Vasilisa's eyebrows creased as her father talked to his old friend in whispers. If they wanted nobody to overhear, that meant that whatever they were talking about was certainly worth hearing. Her father, as was typical of him in his work, started talking about a bunch of financial jargon that Vasilisa didn't understand. But by the tense, nervous tone in both of their voices, she could tell that something was going down. And Vasilisa always loved when tea was being spilled. What was the deal with Joakim? She would have to see if she could pry a little bit later. But, for now, she decided the conversation wasn't fun anymore and stepped away to make something for breakfast.
She looked through the drawers and cabinets, looking at all of her options before she officially decided on what to eat for breakfast. There was one drawer that she stayed far away from, even though it was always kept full just for her. The candy drawer was once her favorite. But after what happened… She couldn't stand to look at it anymore.
It was candy that Mom was going to get. For her. Because she wanted it, and she just couldn't wait. She was too lazy to go. If she had known how that afternoon was going to end, Vasilisa would have never eaten the stuff again.
She didn't realize that her hand was on the drawer handle for a moment, but when she did, she quickly pulled it away. She never wanted to look in that drawer again. It wasn't worth it. Nothing would have ever been worth it. If only she'd known.
Vasilisa stepped back, away from the drawer, feeling the wetness on her cheeks that she grabbed a napkin and dabbed the tears away. She was so tired of crying, but too tired to stop it from happening. Everything she did just felt like a losing battle. Without Mom, there was no way to win. And after she'd caused her mother's death… Did she deserve to?
Vasilisa put her head down on the table. At this point, she didn't even know what she wanted or needed. Nothing seemed to help. It was just hopeless. Vasilisa didn't feel anything anymore except that weight of guilt for what happened. She had existed like this for a month, and she didn't feel any better than she did all that time ago. Nothing would get better for her. She hated feeling like this.
Though she had no appetite, her stomach grumbled. It had gone long enough without a meal, and Vasilia figured she should at least try to eat something. She settled on toaster strudel, which she put in the toaster before she turned on the TV, trying to find something to numb her mind, even if just for a minute. She stopped on a channel that looked colorful – and was showing a camera shot of a beautiful view.
Behind it was some music playing.
"Oh… Why you look sad? Tears are in your eyes… Come on and come to me now. Don't… Be ashamed to cry… Let me see you through…. 'Cause I've seen the dark side too…"
Vasilisa looked up at the words that the girl was singing. It wasn't Upward Voyager, that group of District kids. They had a different sound than that group. The video showed the band – three of them, performing the song in a beautiful clearing, with views of the rushing water. It was beautiful… They had a really nice sound.
"You're feeling all alone… You won't be on your own… I'll stand by you." The whole band was singing the last chorus together, the harmonies so deep and rich, while Vasilisa watched, a smile pushing across her face as she watched. The first real smile since everything happened… Vasilisa found herself hoping that the next song would also be from this new group, and she was in luck. At the beginning of the video, the text in the corner listed the name of the song, and the band. Out of Spite.
Now, she was smiling as she watched the video. This song was much more upbeat, and it had a deep groove that was making Vasilisa bob her head and tap her foot. This video started with individual shots of each of the three performers. Vasilisa smiled at the girl that was playing the piano – her dark complexion was really beautiful, especially with the sparkles that covered her face and the bright colors of her hair. Vasilsia smiled as she glanced at her own arm and hand, which matched the complexion of the girl on screen. That was somewhat rare for her to see.
Then, the boy with teal skin a dark navy hair. Vasilisa couldn't stop staring at him as the camera zoomed in on his hands playing the guitar solo. He had a very gentle face, and Vasilisa was thankful when the camera panned back up so she could see it better. His eyes had a familiar ghastly look in them – he had some sort of pain in him, and she did too. She was disappointed when the camera switched off of him and to the boy that was playing the drums.
That guy looked fine, but she was still thinking about that guitarist. She had to know exactly who he was, he was just so… Heh, easy on the eyes. At that thought, Vasilisa blushed. The curiosity took over, and she looked away from the drummer to look up the band on her phone. She did keep looking up, hoping for another glimpse of the guitarist or at least the full group shot.
She found the name quickly, along with a bunch of other pictures and videos of the band. Apparently, they were super big on social media. Right away, she looked him up and gave him a follow. She scrolled through pictures of the band, mostly screencaps from the videos they've been posting. Why were they not more popular? They were, like, really good!
The next video was from that girl metal band. Boooo. Vasilisa had to learn more about this new band. She found the name of their EP online, and got it on her phone right away. She turned off the metal girls and looked around for her headphones so she could listen right away. She wanted to hold onto this happy feeling as long as possible.
She got up and finished her breakfast as she listened to the music from this new group. It was so danceable. It had been a while since Vasilisa wanted to dance.
Unfortunately, the EP was pretty short. When the last song ended, Vasilisa frowned. She wanted to hear more of their songs. She didn't want to let go of this feeling too fast.
She grabbed her car keys off the table and went out to the garage. While she was researching, she noticed that the band did a magazine spread – and posters were easier from a magazine than blowing up a picture and printing them out. She was going to keep chasing this happy feeling.
Vasilisa did feel nervous when she got in her car. She always had this feeling when it came to driving… Would this be the time a crazy driver got her just like her mother? Vasilisa frowned again as those feelings came rushing back to her.
No. She connected her phone to the car and put the EP back on. Once the music filled the car, and that really impressive guitar feeling reached her ears, Vasilisa felt that excited feeling come back, forgetting about all those other feelings that she'd been a slave to for so many days. She didn't know the words well enough to sing along, but that didn't stop her from turning the volume up as she drove, feeling completely relaxed as she went for once. She usually hated driving, and only did it when she absolutely had to – but this reminded her of those days when she loved to go out for a drive through the busy streets of the Capitol. The sun was out and streamed in through the window, causing Vasilisa to reach over and put her sunglasses on as she stopped at a red light and listened to the music. It was electrifying. She actually wished the drive to the store was longer.
Vasilisa was smiling as she parked and turned off the car, grabbing her phone and putting it in her back pocket. She was on a mission as she went into the store. She went to the section of magazines and started looking for the right one. She saw the right one right away – Wolf Jansing was on the cover debuting his new hair color, but Vasilisa was looking for the small picture of the three that was in the top corner. She was so excited she could have read it right there, but she resisted the urge as she did self checkout and took the magazine back to her car with her. She couldn't wait any longer, flipping through the pages just for a glimpse of the content. It was a lengthy article that she'd have to read when she got back. The posters were all great too. She would have to look at them in more detail when she got back home.
As she drove home and listened to album again, she was thinking about Oliver Bromley, that guitar player. He was really dreamy, especially when he smiled. He should smile more often. She wanted to see him smile more. If only I could make him smile, she thought, her cheeks flushing as she drove back home. She had been waiting for a hero to come save her from this depression. Maybe Oliver Bromley was it. She could just imagine it now. They had so much in common, right?
Vasilisa was grinning when she pulled into the garage, waiting for the last song to end before she turned off her car, taking the magazine straight to her room, past where her father was telling Joakim goodbye. She shut the door behind her and opened up to the page, putting the music on in her earbuds as she read about the new group. They never meant to be famous – just three friends that made music together and posted it online, and overnight they'd become celebrities! It was such a whimsical story, from rags to riches, and Vasilisa absolutely loved it. Also, all three of them were single, which was great news to Vasilisa.
When she saw the poster included, Vasilisa wanted it right away. She was careful in ripping it out, and when she did she was greeted with a picture of Oliver Bromley up close. She really liked his style. She quickly abandoned the full group poster to carefully rip on the perforated side. Screw the drummer who was on the back, Vasilisa wanted this one. She couldn't help but smile as she held the poster close to her chest. Her hero, he was coming to save her.
Mrs. Vasilisa Bromley.
She giggled to herself as she pulled back to look at the poster.
She could get used to that.
~.~.
A/N: I'm back. Big thanks to Veronica Moore for Ember and Lauren for Vasilisa! Still on a hiatus from reading and PMs and Discord, but when inspiration strikes, it strikes and I'm going to run with it.
Hope you're all well. Keep wearing your mask and washing your hands.
Tribute drawings are going up once this is posted. Other than that, nothing new to report.
CQ: Thoughts on both tributes? Which of these girls stood out more and why?
See ya when I see ya for the next set of intros, for two particularly driven tributes.
