May 22 (9w4d)

Mid-morning had come and gone, and they were still in bed. Their legs tangled together as she snuggled into his side, tracing patterns on his chest.

Last night had been another rough one: the hours had seemed endless, the nightmares all too real.

She would wake in a panic, fear pinning her down as her heart raced beyond what should be physically possible.

Her tears would fall, uncontrollably, as she clung to him. She didn't want to be doing this: grieving so openly in front of him, forcing him to have to be the strong one. She had never been that person, but his gentle reassurances had made her feel safe to breakdown.

He would hold her until she ceased sobbing and silence would settle over them, allowing her thoughts to grow loud. He would kiss away all evidence of her sorrows, but the pain in her heart remained.

His tenderness was too much, too raw, reminding her of how much she still had left to lose. She needed him and she didn't know how she would ever be able to survive if she lost him too.

She would distract herself from every kind of pain in the only way she knew how: by making love to the man that hasn't left her yet, that hasn't betrayed her yet.

She had felt his hesitancy at first, unsure of exactly where the line between helping her and taking advantage of her would be in a situation like this, but she felt that doubt melting away with each tender kiss.

When they were done, she would collapse into his body, listening to his heartbeat as he combed his fingers through her hair. Once he was asleep and not a second before, she would silently cry herself to sleep.

They repeated the cycle, again and again, until the pain was tolerable and the quiet of the night wasn't deafening.

Now, in the daylight, she found comfort in the quiet. The only noise was the steady beating of his heart under her ear, his slow, even breaths, and the white noise from the oscillating fan that did very little to cool them.

She lifted her head, looking at the peacefulness of his face as he dozed. She touched her fingertips to the side of his face, gently pressing her lips to the opposite cheek.

"Castle," she whispered against the rough stubble on his cheek. "Castle, wake up."

"I'm awake," he mumbled sheepishly, his words bleeding together into one long, low sound.

"You need to get ready for your meeting," she reminded him.

"Just a phone conversation." He rolled toward her, draping his arm over her waist. "Don't need to be dressed."

She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stifle a grin.

"Maybe not dressed, but you need to be awake."

She pulled his arm from her waist, slinking out from between the sheets.

"No, don't leave," he half-heartedly protested as she walked away.

"I'll be in the shower." She glanced over her shoulder, smiling when she saw him watching her through one partially-opened eye. "Feel free to join me. You know, if that's something worth waking up for?"

He kicked himself free of the bedsheets and pulled himself up with a newfound energy.

"I'm awake," he said as he followed her into the en suite.


She felt out of place, aimlessly roaming the lower floor of the loft, completely unsupervised.

Castle had locked himself in the office for his meeting. She could see him pacing the floor, scrubbing his hand over the crease in his brow as he spoke into his phone. Curiosity was getting the better of her as she watched intently, focusing on the movement of his lips as if she was actually able to read them.

Martha had made herself scarce for most of the weekend, encouraging Alexis to do the same. As much as they wanted to be there for Castle, they had accepted that it was different this time. In his grief, he needed Kate as much as she needed him. She would be eternally grateful to his family for allowing them this time to lean on each other and heal together.

She moved toward the piano, tracing her fingers along the sleek black instrument. It was beautiful, an elegant feature in his modern home that one might assume was purely decorative, but as she lowered herself onto the bench and lifted the fallboard, she could tell this was a well-loved apparatus.

Her fingers hovered above the keys as she imitated playing. She wouldn't actually play - no, that felt too comfortable - but she thought back to some of her earliest, blurriest memories, trying to recall the correct keys as she tapped gently, silently. She had surprised herself with how much she was actually able to remember, although - without actually playing - she really had no way of knowing how accurate her memories were.

"Where is Dad?" Alexis asked as she descended the stairs, pulling Kate's attention away from her faux concerto.

"In his office," she answered, lowering the fallboard gently.

Alexis ducked her head to look through the gaps in the bookshelves that partitioned off Castle's office. Kate turned, doing her own search, not finding Castle behind the literature lined shelves.

"Or maybe the bedroom?" she suggested, turning back to the redhead. "I don't really know. He's on the phone with Gina, discussing... things. I didn't really ask for the specifics."

"Oh." The girl nodded her understanding, smirking a little. "They'll probably be arguing for hours," she added, seeming amused by the idea.

Kate smiled. From the limited interactions she had had with Gina - and the few she had witnessed between her and Castle - she wouldn't be surprised at all if that was exactly what they were doing.

"It's already been almost an hour," she noted.

Silence settled over the room and Kate returned to tracing the pads of her fingers over the keys in attempt to look busy, to distract herself from any awkwardness that lingered in the silence.

"Do you play?" Alexis asked, nodding her head toward the piano.

Kate smiled and shook her head. "My mom did. She loved classical music. Found it relaxing, I guess."

She balled her hands into fists and pushed them into her lap, suddenly feeling very vulnerable, out of her element. She still didn't know how to interact with Alexis when they were alone. But she had to learn, had to get better at this if she wanted this to be her future.

"She tried to teach me when I was younger but I just wasn't all that interested. Would have preferred being outside, climbing trees or something."

She tried to laugh at how stubborn she had been as a child, but the memory became polluted with regret.

If only she had known...

She swallowed down the emotion, returning her attention back to Alexis, who was watching her curiously.

"You play, don't you?" she asked with a smile.

Alexis returned her smile. "I'm better with a violin but, yeah, I know a little."

Kate shuffled along to the edge of the seat and waved her upturned palm over the keys. "Would you mind playing a little something?" she asked.

The teen smiled and took her place on the bench seat beside Kate. She glided her fingers across keys until they found their correct starting positions.

Kate recognised the piece: Für Elise. The same short arrangement her mother had tried to teach her all those years ago. She closed her eyes as she listened, thinking back to one random Sunday morning when she was just eight years old.

xx

Her mother sat at the mahogany grand piano that took up the majority of their living room. It was an eyesore to anyone with a general understanding of Feng Shui, but to them this was the epicentre of some of their most cherished moments.

Her fingers skilfully danced across the keys as Kate sat on the floor listening as she coloured.

"Claire de Lune," her father announced excitedly after just a few seconds of intent listening.

It was a game they played often, testing each other's knowledge in random ways. Sometimes it was 'guess what song I am humming' or 'guess the secret ingredient in this recipe from just one taste'. Anything was on the table, from movie quotes to book blurbs, guess this or guess that.

Guessing games kept young brains active and engaged: that's what her parents always told her, anyway.

Seamlessly, Johanna began playing a new arrangement as Jim sat cross-legged on the floor with his daughter.

"That's Beethoven," he said as he started to help Kate colour in her drawing.

"More specifically?" Johanna encouraged, glancing at him over her shoulder.

Jim faltered, he didn't know. He turned to Kate, his eyes desperately pleading with her.

"Help me, Katie," he whispered.

Kate giggled, her eyes flicking to her mother to make sure she wouldn't get caught helping her father cheat. "It's Moonlight..." She strung out each syllable. She wasn't about to just give him the answer.

"Moonlight Sonata!" he declared victoriously.

Johanna stopped playing and turned around on the bench, giving her family a very knowing look, but the accusation remained unspoken.

Kate rose from her position on the floor, running toward the piano.

"Guess this one, Daddy."

She began tapping away at the keys, jagged and unrehearsed - especially in comparison to her mother - but Jim recognised his wife's favourite.

"Ah, Für Elise."

"I didn't think you would remember it," Johanna said to Kate. "You were very distracted while I was trying to teach you."

xx

Kate turned her attention back to Alexis, watching as her fingers tapped against the ivory keys.

"You're quite impressive, you know?"

Alexis stopped, her cheeks turning a subtle shade of pink.

"I could never play the whole thing, it gets too complicated," she explained, dismissing her talent. "But I'll play it every now and then just to keep it fresh in my mind."

Kate slowly pressed the few keys she remembered from her childhood, poorly imitating the arrangement Alexis had just played for her.

"I'm still impressed," she said with a soft smile.

"It sounds like you know the basics," Alexis noted. "I can help you polish it, if you'd like?"

Kate froze, not having expected such a genuine outreach from Alexis. She knew that she was still walking on thin ice with the girl, but she could see the effort that Alexis was putting in to moving forward.

"Sorry," the girl recanted, misinterpreting Kate's silence. "Piano was your mom's thing. I shouldn't have-"

"No, that's not it." She placed her hand on Alexis's arm, offering a small, reassuring smile. "It was kind of you to offer. It's just-"

She wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her mind was chaos, a disarray of pain and sorrow and doubt. There was just this constant noise of conflicting thoughts and emotions.

But maybe this would serve as the perfect distraction, a task to focus on, something that could drown out the noise. And a chance to bond with Alexis, try to mend the frayed edges of their almost-relationship, wouldn't go astray.

"I have to warn you, I'm a terrible student," she explained, offering Alexis an easy way out of her offer.

But the girl's resolve strengthened.

"Well, I guess my years of tutoring experience will come in handy," she countered with a confident smile.

"Okay then," Kate said with a smile, mustering all the enthusiasm she could. "Teach me great things, oh wise one."

Alexis laughed. "You're spending too much time with Dad, you're starting to sound like him."

"Oh, God, don't tell him that!" she joked. "I'll never hear the end of it."

"Your secret is safe with me."

Kate waited, watching as Alexis began familiarising herself with the keys.

"I was thinking, if this turns out to be a success story, that maybe one day I could teach my little brother or sister, too."

Alexis's smiled, so genuine and hopeful.

"Yeah," Kate agreed, smiling back. "I think that they would like that."

As an only child, she didn't know what it was like to have an older sibling, but she found comfort in the idea that her child would have Alexis there for them, always.

She found comfort in the idea that her child would have a big, loving family.

She just had to keep fighting off that dread, that fear that she - and her child - would lose it all.


Castle looked up from the book he was reading when he sensed her presence, tossing the paperback into the cushions beside him and rising to his feet as he saw her walk out of the bedroom. She had stepped away to answer a phone call just a few minutes earlier.

Her eyes were bloodshot, puffy and filled with tears, and all the colour had drained from her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked nervously as he walked toward her. "Was that-?"

"Evelyn Montgomery," she cut him off, her voice cracking.

Somehow, that seemed worse than whatever he had thought could have happened.

"Wh-" He stopped himself before he blurted the question: what did she want? Really, it was none of his business. He was just concerned.

But Kate knew what he wanted to ask. She looked at him, blinking back her tears.

"She wanted me to say something," she explained. "At Roy's funeral."

He sighed heavily, pulling her into his arms. As soon as her face was buried in his shirt, hidden from the world, the tears that she had been determined not to cry began to fall.

"She said that he was always so proud of me," she cried, her words muffled by the security blanket of his arms.

He held onto her, a calming pressure around her body, until her cries softened, and her breathing began to even out again.

"Can I say something that you might not like?"

She pulled herself from his embrace, looking up at him. "Since when do you ask first?" she joked weakly.

He smiled before continuing with his thought. "Honestly, I couldn't think of anyone better to say a few words."

"Can't think of anyone better?" she repeated, as if she may have misheard him. "Castle, I just found out that I don't even know the man."

"Arguably, it's possible that you knew him better than anyone else ever did."

She looked into his eyes as she let his words sink in.

"You don't have to do it, obviously," he clarified, making sure she knew she didn't owe anyone her time or her words, not after the hell that Roy Montgomery had put her through.

"I know." She took a deep breath. "But I told her I would. I mean, who could actually say no to her?"

"If you don't want to do this-"

"I'll be fine, Castle. I just... needed to complain, I guess."

She stepped back into him, and he wrapped his arms around her.

"I just want this to be over," she confessed in a whisper.

"I know," he whispered back and pressed a soothing kiss to her hair.

Her arms around his waist tightened, and he gave her a gentle squeeze in response.

"I like this," she said.

He tilted his head so that he could see her face. She had her eyes closed, cheek pressed to his chest and a bright smile on her face. Smiling proudly, he moved his head back, resting his chin on the top of her head.

"I like this, too. I could stay like this forever."

"Well, maybe a few hours. I'm sure we'd have to separate once everyone arrived for dinner," she added playfully.

"Nah," he said, drawing out his vowels. "They can just deal with it."

She pulled away, looking up at him with a smile. "And what if I wanted to do this?"

She touched her fingertips to his jaw, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

"I think they can just deal with that, too," he whispered as she pulled away from his mouth. "Hey, I had a thought about tonight."

"Yeah?"

"I was, I was thinking that everyone could use some good news right now, right?"

She tensed, knowing exactly where he was going with this train of thought.

"Castle-"

"I know it's still early and there's the whole thing about waiting until the second trimester, but-"

"I don't think it's a good idea." She shook her head, pulling herself from his arms. "Not yet."

"They're our closest friends," he justified. "They're going to be happy for us."

"I said no," she stated firmly, her voice noticeably louder than what was probably necessary.

He looked at her, his face expressionless.

"I'm sorry, I just thought-" He stopped, looked around the room, anywhere but at her. "It doesn't matter. Forget I said anything."

"I just think that we should wait," she explained, easing her voice to a calmer volume. "I mean, we are so close."

"Close to what?"

She didn't have to say it, he knew. Close to finding out the paternity.

It dawned on him; despite how far they had come, despite how much he loved her, despite his words of reassurances and all the promises they whispered while wrapped in each other's arms, she still didn't trust this. She still didn't trust him and his promise to stay, no matter what.

He understood, he really did. He came into this knowing that she was broken, that she had lived her adult life being let down by those she allowed herself to trust, but that didn't make it hurt any less. He didn't know what else he could do to prove to her that he was in this, for her and for the baby.

"I've told you, Castle, I know that you have every intention of being there. I know that you want to be with me and want to help me raise this baby, no matter what. But I also know that it isn't that straight forward. I just-" She swallowed the emotion that had been choking her up. "I'm not expecting you to be able to love a baby that isn't yours."

Her words cut deep, stealing away any response that he could come up with.

"You know what? I'm actually feeling a bit off," she lied, an excuse to leave this trainwreck of a conversation. "I think I might try to have a nap."

Castle scrubbed his hand over his face, knowing that this was as far as she was willing to go on that subject.

He wanted her to believe in him, in his devotion to her, but he was tired of fighting about this.

"Yeah, okay."

She pulled her phone from her pocket, unlocking it. "What time did you say everyone was going to be here? I'll set an alarm."

"I can wake you," he offered.

"Fine," she said, tucking her phone back into her pocket. "Thank you," she added, although her voice sounded anything but thankful.


He stood at the foot of the bed, watching, weighing up his options.

She was sleeping so peacefully, her lips curled into what resembled a slight smile. Whatever she was dreaming of, it didn't have her tossing and turning in a panic, body slicked by cool sweat or her heart racing so fast he could see it pulsating in her neck.

Navigating Kate at the moment - with her raw emotions and ever-changing, hormone induced mood - could only be compared to navigating a minefield. And, given how they had left things this afternoon, he knew that not waking her up as he said he would had the potential to really piss her off. But looking at her, he just couldn't bring himself to disrupt her peace.

He backed out of the room, slowly closing the door as he left, and readied himself for his guests to arrive.

Hopefully, he wouldn't regret his decision.

The team began to arrive about an hour later, Ryan and Jenny first then Lanie and Esposito about ten minutes later. They sat around the dining table, sipping on their beverages and chatting as they picked at the snacks Castle had laid out for them.

"How has she been?" Lanie asked when the topic of conversation turned to Kate.

"About as well as can be expected," Castle answered, careful to avoid divulging any information about the situation.

He wasn't sure how much Lanie knew about Montgomery's death. Between Kate and Espo, he was sure she had received some version of the truth, but he wasn't about to go into the details of how Kate was feeling disappointed, lied to and betrayed.

With Kate's firm refusal to share their other secret, it was going to be a bit of a game of 'who knows what?' tonight.

"Is she not coming?" Jenny asked, shy but curious.

Castle exchanged glances with Lanie, who had already been informed of the temporary living arrangements.

"She's, uh, actually already here," he admitted, trying to make it sound casual. "She's asleep," he quickly added.

He knew he wasn't going to get away with such a casual confession when the boys looked at him, eyes almost pleading for more of an explanation.

"Are you guys, like, living together now?" Ryan asked with a smirk.

"What?" Castle squeaked. "No, of course not. She just, she didn't want to be alone, you know? So I offered up the spare room."

"Bro, don't even pretend you guys aren't together," Esposito added, accusingly. "She kissed you in the precinct the other day."

Lanie's jaw dropped. "She what?"

"To be fair, I'm pretty sure that was an accident," Castle explained. "She was distracted."

"Distracted by your mouth," Esposito mumbled.

"So, are you guys... together together?" Lanie asked.

Castle wasn't sure if it was a genuine question, or if she was playing down her knowledge of their situation to allow Castle to set the narrative they were ready to tell.

"What exactly has she told you?" he tried to pry from her, unsuccessfully.

Lanie looked him up and down, smirking. "Enough."

He smiled. He should have known that Lanie wouldn't so willingly spill Kate's secrets, especially with their friends around. But since the rather heated conversation he and Kate had earlier, he had been left feeling very unsure of where exactly they sat on the spectrum of kind of together to together together.

He knew where he wanted to be.

"I know that she talks to you," he told her with certainty. There was no doubt that Lanie would be just as, if not more, informed about his relationship than he was. "I know that you know things. I was just wondering if, maybe, you had any... advice?"

"Sorry writer boy," she apologised genuinely. "You're gonna have to figure this one out on your own."

"Yeah," he sighed, swiping his hand across his forehead. "I'm trying."

Lanie's eyes drifted over Castle's shoulder, toward the living room. He turned, wondering what had caught her attention.

"Hey," Lanie greeted Kate as she slowly staggered out from the bedroom, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

"Hey guys," she sheepishly greeted the group before turning her attention to Castle, frowning. "You said you would wake me up."

"I did say that. However, when I went in there to wake you up, you just looked so comfortable." His tone was cautious, apologetic. "And I figured I probably shouldn't disrupt the little sleep you actually get, so..."

Kate managed a groan, but before she could respond to Castle properly, Lanie stood and walked toward her, wrapping her arms around her friend. Kate melted into the embrace, loosely folding her arms around Lanie's shoulders.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever," Kate commented dolefully.

Lanie stepped out of the embrace and smiled at her friend. "Yeah, well, you've been a little preoccupied. But we're here now and we've got all night."

Kate smiled appreciatively before turning her attention to Castle. She was torn; still upset, wanting to apologise profusely and beg for him to forgive her outburst, but not willing to be so vulnerable in front of everyone.

He leant his body to face her, reaching his arm out over the back of his chair. His palm turned up, fingers outstretched, offering her his hand; an olive branch of sorts. A truce, at least for now, and she was ready to accept.

She walked toward him, but the way her eyes drifted to gauge the reactions of their friends, he knew that she wasn't ready to let her guard down just yet.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked as he lowered his hand, tried to ease any pressure she may have felt.

"Not great," she admitted. She smiled a kind of sad, apologetic smile; a thank you, for not pushing me. "I need my clothes."

"Oh, right." They had spent so much of the weekend in their pyjamas, it hadn't even registered that she would probably be wanting to change out of her sleep shorts and the bulky sweater she had borrowed from him. "I moved your bag to the study."

"Thank you," she said as she placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

It was all she could give right now, but she knew he deserved more; he deserved to be loved shamelessly, even in front of their friends. And she could do that, she would do that.

Plodding toward the study, she called over her shoulder: "I'll be quick."

"Since when is that the spare room?" Esposito remarked as soon as she disappeared back into Castle's bedroom.

Castle turned to face him, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm just messing with you, man."

"He wouldn't have nearly as much fun if you didn't bite so hard," Lanie added as she took her seat beside Castle.

"It's fine, I can handle it," Castle said with a smile, before his expression grew more serious. "Just... please don't say anything that'll scare her off. I had to practically beg her to stay here for a few days and I actually think it's helping her."

Esposito shook his head. "I won't."

"Thank you," Castle mouthed.

Lanie placed her hand on Castle's forearm. "She's lucky to have you."

"I just wish I could do more."

"You're here." Lanie shrugged. "That's all she needs. You're a good friend."

"Friend," Ryan snorted.

"Bro got downgraded already," Esposito joked.

"If you think that being a friend is a downgrade, then I fear you are missing out," Castle shot back without hesitation.

Esposito shook his head slowly. "Whipped."

Kate walked back out wearing a much more appropriate pair of jeans, but she stayed in his sweater.

She sat in the empty seat on the other side of Castle.

"Are you cold?" Castle asked her, curious about her clothing choice.

She leaned closer, holding her hand close to her mouth as she whispered. "I packed the wrong pants. They won't button up and my shirts don't hide that," she explained.

Castle chuckled.


They decided on pizza for dinner, eventually settling on a new gourmet pizzeria down the block from the loft.

Delivered in 30 minutes or less! They were sitting around the dining table, digging into their meal in less.

At least, most of them were. Kate sat quietly, picking at the toppings on her pizza and only occasionally taking a small nibble at the slice.

She had been trying - to eat, to not draw attention, to be an active participant in the conversations around the table - but she was having trouble focusing.

Lanie and Jenny had broken away from the main conversation, engaging in their own, quieter discussion as they boys continued to argue their sides of some pointless banter across the table. It was overstimulating as she bounced back and forth between the two discussions.

The voices around her seemed to move in and out, echoing slightly as if these people were standing down the end of a tunnel, not sitting directly in front of her. She closed her eyes, hoping that with the momentary loss of one of her senses, she would have more success in honing the others. But nothing became clearer.

Her head felt heavy, as if it weren't sitting square on her shoulders and was at risk of slipping right off any second now.

She opened her eyes again, her vision stayed blurred for several seconds too long.

She considered that maybe this was a repeat of her morning in the park, that she was edging toward another panic attack. Her gut coiled at the thought. She couldn't do this, not here, not now.

She shuffled in her chair, subtly sliding it closer to Castle's.

He could calm her, she was sure of it. He had managed to do it so well in the past. She just had to be subtle, if he knew what she was doing he would only worry and she didn't want that.

She brought the knee closest to Castle up to her chest, using the movement as an excuse to seamlessly transition into her end goal: leaning against Castle for support.

The weight of her body against his side took him by surprise given how carefully she had avoided too much touching thus far, but he draped his arm over her shoulders instinctively, holding her close as he continued listening to the boys.

Feeling much more secure, she went back to picking at the slice of pizza in her hands.

"You okay?" She heard Castle whisper as his lips skimmed her hairline.

She nodded. Her stomach churned, as if on cue, and she stiffened. "Just... not hungry, I guess."

Her voice came out soft and shaky, like a scared or sick child. It took her by surprise, how weak she sounded, but she pushed through. She looked up at him, smiling.

"I'm fine."

She knew he wasn't convinced, but he didn't push it.

She felt him watching her throughout dinner, though. With each passing minute, she felt herself sinking further into him, unable to hold herself up fully.

Eventually discussions turned to the inevitable: work.

All three of them had, at some point during the day, received word from Internal Affairs informing them that they would be able to return to work after finishing out their seven day administrative leave.

"Honestly, I just can't wait to get back to doing my job," Esposito said. "I just want to be able to move forward, you know?"

"Yeah, it'll be nice to have a case to bury myself in," Ryan added, only slightly causing his friends to worry about his emotional state right now.

Jenny touched his arm, gave him a comforting smile.

"Something real complex," he added as he looked at his fiancé. "Give the brain a good workout."

"Ooh, like a time travelling serial killer," Castle added enthusiastically. "And not only do we have to figure out who his next victim is, but when."

Kate smiled. Nothing like a hypothetical case to get Castle animated again. She knew he would miss the theorising, spurting his crazy conspiracies to get a rise out of her.

"Most of all, I'm looking forward to being able to shoot down Castle's delusional theories," Esposito joked, looking at Ryan as they both began to laugh.

Lanie joined in on the joke, smiling and shaking her head. She had heard some of Castle's theories in the past, so she knew exactly how deluded they could be at times. Everyone knew that it was mostly for entertainment value, but she had found herself questioning his sanity at times.

Even Castle joined in the laughter. Kate watched, waited for him to say something, but he didn't.

"Castle won't be coming back," she stated bluntly, effectively putting an end to their joking.

She didn't mean to be a killjoy, didn't mean to blurt it out, but the longer Castle stayed silent the more she worried that he had forgotten their deal.

All eyes turned to Castle, waiting for his explanation.

"Right," he confirmed dejectedly. "Yeah, I mean, I was hoping to discuss that-"

She pulled herself from his side, sitting upright.

The sudden movement caused her head to spin. She closed her eyes, ignored the rush.

"Castle, you promised." She forced her eyes open to look at him.

"You were upset," he said, as if she didn't vividly remember that day. "I thought once things settled down again-"

She tossed that same half-eaten slice of pizza onto her plate, stood and paced several steps away. She could feel herself sway as she walked, her balance put off by the almost-imperceptible quiver in her knees.

But he saw it.

"Kate-" He rose from his seat, stepped toward her cautiously.

"You said that you were done," she snapped, finding her voice again.

"Well, you said that I was done."

Her eyes widened in disbelief, was he really throwing that in her face right now?

She thought back to that night, to the moment she showed up on his doorstep a complete and utter mess. She had gone over that conversation again and again; but he had promised, of that she was sure.

"Can you just hear me out?" he pleaded.

"I'm not doing this right now, Castle. I don't have the energy to do this right now."

Not to mention her head was pounding, the room was spinning and she felt like her legs were about to give out from underneath the unusually heavy weight of her body.

"I wasn't reneging on the deal," he clarified, despite her insistence that she didn't want to discuss this now. "I made a promise to you - and to Alexis - I was just hoping to maybe discuss the terms of said promise, see if there was any sort of leniency."

"There's not," she said definitively, leaving no room for rebuttal.

He grunted. "You are... maddening," he vented through a clenched jaw.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Yeah, well, you're no picnic either," she hissed.

Her stomach flipped and she swallowed, trying to rid herself of the nauseous feeling that sat heavy in her throat.

"Kate, are you okay?" Castle asked, his voice lacking all the frustration it held just seconds ago.

"I'm fi-" she tried to argue, but the world around her just wouldn't be still. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply. "I'm fine."

"Maybe you should sit?" She heard Lanie's voice and felt hands on her, guiding her onto the couch.

Then everything faded away.


"Did she lose consciousness?" a doctor - Dr. Paulsen, she thought he had introduced himself as - asked Castle.

Castle had insisted they go to the emergency room to get her checked over.

She had insisted she was fine, but Lanie pulled the I'm a doctor and I say you go card and, so, there she was, sitting in a hospital bed fielding a hundred questions about everything that seemed irrelevant. Castle had taken over answering after just a few minutes, sensing her frustration.

"Thirty seconds," Lanie answered when Castle faltered.

She had insisted on coming with them, to be the calming presence that would be needed in Castle's evident fluster. She, apparently, had been onto something there.

"Give or take," she continued. "But it was definitely less than one minute."

Thankfully, Ryan and Jenny had gone home, knowing there was no point to adding to the chaos of the ER, stating that they would only be in the way.

Two less people to fuss over her, to make a bigger deal out of this than necessary. But Esposito, being Lanie's ride, lingered awkwardly in the corner.

"I feel fine now, if that makes any difference," Kate added, earning her a stern glare from both her partner and her best friend.

Dr. Paulsen smirked at the reactions, understanding that maybe his patient wasn't the best judge of her condition. "Unfortunately, Miss Beckett, I'll still need to wait for your test results," he explained politely.

Lanie had already stepped outside the curtained-off cubicle to presumably have the she's pregnant discussion with the doctor. That was the only thing that justified the attention she was receiving tonight. A normally healthy adult, fainting once for less than a minute would have been sent on their way after a quick once over from a nurse.

"We'll get an IV set up to give you some fluids. With the nausea you explained, it can be difficult to replace the fluids you're losing fast enough," Dr. Paulsen explained as he jotted notes on his clipboard.

Kate nodded. "Thank you."

"Not a problem."

Kate sighed as the cubical became silent, the only noises coming from the busyness on the other side of the curtain.

"Seriously guys, you can go," she offered, hoping she didn't come across as unappreciative. "There's no need for you to waste the rest of your night here."

"I'm not going anywhere," Lanie insisted. "Writer Boy needs me," she added, nodding her head to a very flustered looking Castle.

"And besides, who's going to go on coffee runs and keep everyone's spirits up when Writer Boy is too panicked to think straight," Esposito added with a smile.

"Come on, I'm not that bad!" Castle defended himself. But when no one relented, he looked to Kate, unsure. "Am I?"

"You are squeezing my hand kind of hard, babe," she whispered and he released his grip instantly, dropping his hand to the bed.

"Sorry."

She huffed out a slight laugh, placed her hand over his and laced their fingers together again. "I didn't say stop."

"You're so bossy," Castle joked, trying to deflect the attention away from his unmeasurable concern. With everyone fussing over Kate, Esposito was sure to catch on to something at some point. And Kate had made it very clear that she wasn't ready for anyone else to know just yet.

A nurse entered the cubical, greeting the group.

"Hi, Kate," he said with a smile. "I'm Sonny, I'll be helping Dr. Paulsen out tonight. I'm just going to get your fluids started."

Castle moved out of the way, giving the nurse access to Kate's bedside. He began pulling the necessary items - a tourniquet, cotton balls, medical tape, and alcohol wipes - from a medical cart that was stationed along the side of the cubical. He then moved toward Kate, securing the tourniquet around her bicep and tightening until her veins began to swell and fill with blood.

With two fingers, he gently pressed on the inside of her elbow, clicking his tongue. Then he moved down her arm, pressing those same two fingers to the top of her hand.

"I think we'll go with the hand if that's okay with you."

"Yeah, that's fine."

Sonny cleaned Kate's hand, wiping it over with the wipes before inserting the needle.

Castle watched on, morbidly fascinated, as Sonny continued to set up the IV; taping the needle in place and securing the plastic tube in place with a bandage.

"You want a notepad?" Kate asked, amused by his fascination. "Take some notes for your next book?"

"That's okay, I got it all up here," he said, tapping his index finger to his temple. "Nikki Heat is in good hands."

"I thought I recognised you," Sonny said excitedly as he hung the bag of fluids on the IV stand. "Richard Castle, right? I love your books!"

"Well, it's always nice to meet a fan."

Sonny simmered his enthusiasm, turning his attention back to his patient. "That's all set now. If you need me, just push the button behind you, but I'll be back to check in on you soon."

"Thank you." Kate smiled.

The time seemed to pass impossibly slow as they waited for her test results. Sonny popped his head through the curtain every twenty minutes or so, checking in and asking if anyone needed anything.

She had insisted several times that Lanie and Esposito go home. She felt bad that, not only had she ruined their plans of a relaxing night with friends, but now they were hanging around the ER for hours on end. But they assured her they were fine, happy to stay and - despite their location and circumstances - they were enjoying the company.

It was close to midnight by the time Dr. Paulsen returned with the test results.

"Iron deficiency anaemia," he announced. "It's common, especially given your current condition."

"Told you you need to eat more," Castle mumbled.

Kate and Lanie glared at him.

"It's an easy fix, though," Dr. Paulsen continued to explain, ignoring Castle's commentary. "For tonight, we'll get an iron infusion going. It shouldn't take any longer than an hour, and then we can get you home."

Kate sighed, relieved that she could be home soon.

"I recommend that you look into supplements, preferably something that includes vitamin C as that will help your body absorb the iron easier. Within a week or two, you'll find you'll start to feel more energetic, stronger... you'll feel on top of the world compared to how I imagine you've been feeling lately."

"Knock-knock!" They heard called from the other side of the closed curtain, before a head popped through the opening into view.

"Ah, Dr. Wilkinson," Dr. Paulsen greeted. "Did you get my message?"

"I did. May I come in?" She asked, turning her attention to Kate.

"Of course." Kate smiled politely. "What are you doing here?"

"Once I month I do a block of overnights up in the ward," Dr. Wilkinson explained. "Dr. Paulsen saw my name in your file and asked if we could confer. I just thought I'd pop down and check in."

She turned her attention back to Dr. Paulsen. "What's the verdict?"

"Iron deficiency anaemia," he informed her. "I'm just about to hook up an infusion."

As if on cue, Sonny walked in with an IV bag of iron and saline.

"Let's get this switched over," he said as he removed the IV fluids with the infusion bag.

"I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of putting in a request for a sonographer," Dr. Wilkinson informed the ER doctor.

"Not at all," he replied. "In fact, I think we are all set now so we will get out of your way."

The ER staff moved out of the cubical, allowing enough room for the sonographer to wheel in a portable ultrasound machine.

Recognising the technology, Lanie snapped into action.

"Uh, Javi?" She tapped the back of her hand to his bicep to gain his attention. "I was thinking maybe we should go, give these guys some privacy."

"Seriously?" he groaned. "We've been waiting around for almost four hours and now you're ready to go?"

"Yep." She nodded and she ushered him out, past the doctor. "Night guys," she called back over her shoulder.

"Night," Kate and Castle replied in unison.

"I thought that, seeing as you're going to be here a little while, we might as well check in on the little one," Dr. Wilkinson said with a smile. "How does that sound?"

Castle straightened his posture. "Really?"

His excitement made Kate feel a guilty about not having involved him in the first ultrasound. If she could, she would go back and do things so differently.

The sonographer moved into position, setting up the machine. Castle pulled a chair over to the side of the bed, positioning himself so that he could see the screen. When he sat, he took Kate's hand in his, careful not to pull in her IV as he pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

"The gel will be a little cold," the sonographer told her as she lifted the sweatshirt up, exposing her belly.

Castle smirked at her unbuttoned jeans that wouldn't quite fit over the subtle swell.

They waited in silence as the wand glided through the gel, around and around, pressing into her flesh until it found the best vantage point.

She watched as Castle craned his neck, trying to see the monitor, to no avail. She couldn't help but smile at the frustrated crease in his brow when every time he caught a decent glimpse of the screen, the sonographer would move, blocking his view.

She found herself growing nervous as they waited for the image to be shown to them. She wasn't nervous to see her baby. No, her stomach was churning, heart racing in anticipation to see Castle's reaction.

Even with her eyes glued to Castle, she knew the moment the sonographer turned the monitor around. It was as if the stars had fallen from the sky and landed in his eyes. His tears glistened under the fluorescents, pooling in his eyes. He brought her hand back to his face, pressing his lips to her knuckles again and keeping them firmly there.

She felt foolish for ever doubting him, for doubting the strength of his love. Because this was it, in its most pure form, and it was beautiful. She never wanted to look away.

The sonographer tapped at the keys on the machine, taking measurements and getting captures of the scan.

Suddenly, the loud, steady echo of a heartbeat filled the cubical, stealing Kate's attention.

She watched the screen in awe, staring at the tiny baby there.

"It's moving?" she asked, unsure if she was seeing correctly.

"It is," the sonographer confirmed with a smile.

Castle laughed into the back of her hand, a tear falling from the pool in his eyes.

"That's our baby," he whispered.

Kate looked at him; the war she had been fighting in her mind suddenly calming.

He was right; no matter what happened over the next few weeks, this was their baby.

"Our baby," she repeated as tears filled her eyes.