May 23, 2011 (9w5d)

"I feel it," she whispered.

The world around him was like a distant fog, the only thing he was able to focus on was her.

Her hollow eyes, ghostly white face, the roughness of each shallow breath.

And her blood, warm as it seeped into the space between his fingers.

"I" - she gasped, drawing in as much air as her lungs would allow - "love you."

"No, no, Kate, stay with me," he sobbed. "Please. I love you. Please don't leave me."

He felt it: the moment she gave up, the moment she couldn't fight the heaviness of her eyelids anymore and let them flutter shut. Her body went limp in his arms and her head slowly rolled to the side.

He pulled her closer and pressed his forehead to hers.

"No," he whimpered. "No, no, no."

He shook his head; this wasn't the end. It couldn't be.

"Kate!" He tapped his blood-soaked fingers against her tear-stained cheek in an attempt to wake her. "Please."

"Kate!" He was brought back to the chaos around him when Lanie dropped to her knees by his side and pulled Kate's body from his arms.

Screaming and crying; officers barking orders; radio static while officers waited for replies for help, all to the backing track of Amazing Grace.

He sifted through the faces of the scattered crowd in search of his family.

There were people everywhere: some ducked behind chairs to hide from the unseen danger; some ran to the assumed safety of their cars.

In the seconds that had passed, every officer on site had snapped into action. Castle could see teams searching the grounds; other officers where helping evacuate the cemetery and calling in reinforcements.

When he finally spotted his mother and daughter in the chaos, he was overwhelmed with relief to see Ryan escorting them away. Esposito followed behind, trying to drag a distraught Jim to safety.

"Don't you die on me, Kate." Lanie's voice, the harshness of that word, pulled his attention back to his partner.

He watched her face remain unchanged as her body moved under the force of Lanie's compressions.

"Don't you dare die on me," she called out again, as if Kate was in control of her fate.

He shuffled out of the way, to give her more room to perform CPR.

He hadn't even attempted that. The thought that he might actually be able to save her hadn't crossed his mind. It was like his brain had lost all function as he watched the colour draining from her face.

He froze on her. She needed him, and he did nothing.

She was dying, because he didn't act quick enough, because he couldn't think, couldn't act.

He wanted to help, wanted to save her, but it was like he couldn't move. His limbs were too heavy, too uncoordinated and uncooperative.

All he could do was watch.

He didn't know how much time had passed before the ambulance arrived. Before he knew it, he had been guided into the back of the bus alongside the stretcher.

It was like he had blacked out; little snippets of what was happening were absorbed into his recollection - the sound of the sirens, being thrown off balance as the ambulance weaved in and out of city traffic, Lanie's pleas for Kate to stay with her - but the majority of everything was just... nothing.

At the hospital, he chased the gurney down the hallway. He had to focus too much energy on not tripping over his own feet as they refused to move with ease. He followed the trail of blood that blemished the crisp white flooring as the wobbly gurney wheel smeared droplets into a crooked line. When he finally caught up to Lanie - who had been left at the surgery doors - he couldn't do anything but stare at the door as it swung back and forth, each swing lessened, shorter and faster until finally it came to a stop.

"Tell me this isn't as hopeless as it seems, Lanie," he begged, his voice fragile.

She didn't say anything; she shook her head and visibly swallowed the lump in her throat as she fought back tears.

He wrapped his arm around her to offer her comfort in the only way he could right now.

She leant her head against him and began to cry for her friend.


He lowered himself into one of the chairs that lined the hallway, thankful for the quiet and calm of this private space away from the turmoil of the cemetery, away from the prying eyes of the hospital's main waiting room.

Lanie sat in the chair beside him, and placed her hand over his.

Right now, the only comfort they had was each other.

"You doing okay?" he asked once he trusted his voice to not break.

She shook her head, and stared blankly at the wall across from them. "Not really."

He searched her face for any sign that Kate was making it out of here alive, but he saw nothing more than a devastated friend terrified of the possibility that this might be the end of the road.

He leant back in the chair. He tried to relax into the worn-out padding but even his chair at the precinct was more comfortable than this.

"Dad!"

The voice pulled him to his feet, a reflex action, as his eyes drifted down the hallway to find his daughter.

Alexis ran toward him. As soon as he was within reach, she threw her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek to his bicep.

Martha joined the embrace, just seconds later, and he was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief to have them both safely wrapped in his arms.

"I was going to take them home, but they insisted they come here," Ryan explained, his voice gentle.

"Thank you," Castle said with an appreciative smile as he held his family close.

Jim walked up behind them slowly in an effort to bide his time, garner his courage. "Any word on Katie?"

His voice was barely a whisper, too weakened by fear to properly project across the short distance between them.

Alexis and Martha both pulled back from Castle's arms, looking up at him in anticipation, but he didn't break eye contact with Jim. He shook his head slowly.

"No, sorry. They took her into surgery. Um," he tried to recall anything that had been said during the ambulance ride, but it was all blank. He felt so useless.

He turned to Lanie, who had found her safe haven wrapped in Esposito's arms. "Uh, sorry, Lanie?"

She stepped forward and donned the armour of professionalism that they all relied on in times like these.

"EMTs managed to keep her relatively stable," she informed Jim. "I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you more, give you some answers but-"

This wasn't her place; she didn't know enough to do any of them any good right now. The few details she did know and would be confident enough to pass along to her best friend's father... well, they certainly weren't details that would bring anyone any comfort.

"I understand," Jim said, touching Lanie's arm before he turned and walked away.

Castle watched as Jim began to pace the hall. He wanted to say something, to comfort the man, but he knew there was nothing he could do.

The attention of the group was drawn toward the swinging doors that led to surgery as they burst open.

It had been barely twenty minutes since they had taken her in; Castle knew that any news they would be bringing them this quickly couldn't be anything good.

I'm sorry, but there was nothing we could do.

He shook the thought from his head, wouldn't allow himself to go down that path.

But when he saw the man approaching, he recognised him instantly and a different kind of dread filled him.

He could see the anger in Josh's eyes from where he stood, huddled amongst friends and family, as they waited.

"Shit!" His whisper beckoned Lanie's attention. She moved to stand by his side, a silent offer of support.

Castle started to walk toward Josh, to keep this inevitably horrible conversation as far away from the others as possible, but it seemed that Josh had other plans. As soon as his eyes locked onto Castle's, he strode with purpose to close the distance between them.

"Josh..." Castle started but his voice drifted off as he tried to find the right words to say.

What exactly do you say to your girlfriend's ex that she may or may not be having a baby with after she's been shot and is fighting for her life in - evidently - his operating room?

But that didn't matter, anyway. Josh didn't plan on letting him talk.

Without uttering a single word, Josh swung at Castle. His fist collided with Castle's jaw with impressive force.

"Dad!" He heard Alexis's panicked voice over the chaotic reactions from the rest of the group.

Castle stumbled and leant against the wall for support. He didn't even have time to regain himself to attempt to strike back before Ryan was in front of him with his hands on Castle's shoulders in an effort to move further away from the angry doctor.

"Woah," Esposito called angrily as he stepped in front of Josh, holding him back.

Castle looked at Josh. He took in the man's frazzled, dejected state and all of his anger faded away.

Josh was devastated.

The metallic taste of iron filled Castle's mouth and he had no choice but to swallow it down. He wiped the back of his hand along his lip to clear the blood from the corner of his lips.

That punch had probably been brewing for a long time now. Hell, if the shoe was on the other foot, he probably would have jumped at the chance to take a swing too.

"Is it mine?" Josh asked, his voice cracking, his heartbreak so evident that it pained Castle to be the one to have to tell him.

He could see that Josh had been clueless up until this point. Kate's fear that he had hung up before her confession all but confirmed.

He scanned the faces around him, all varying degrees of confused. All except Lanie.

She nodded, a silent encouragement for Castle to talk to Josh.

"I don't know," he confessed.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Josh demanded as his confusion spread across his face.

"I mean-" Castle paused. Was he really going to be the one to have this conversation? "I mean exactly that. I don't know."

"She didn't tell you? You never thought to ask?"

"Of course, I thought to ask. She doesn't know." He looked around and tried to ignore the flare of embarrassment as he observed their audience. He lowered his voice, a pointless gesture knowing that everyone can still hear him. "We're waiting on a DNA test."

Josh shook his head, turned and walked back toward the operating rooms, but his stride came to a halt after several steps.

Castle waited, watching, wondering. Why did Josh stop? Was he contemplating whether or not taking another swing at Castle was worth risking his job?

When Josh spun on his heel, eyes locked with him, Castle thought for sure the doctor had decided that it was worth it.

He readied himself as Josh began to move closer, but Esposito stepped between the men with a warning look in his eyes.

Josh's icy glare slowly warmed, allowing his concern for Kate to simmer his frustration.

"Dr. Kovaks is one of the best," he informed Castle. "Kate is in good hands."

Castle closed his eyes and allowed his relief to wash over him. "Thank you."

"But, if I were you, I'd start praying for a miracle. That baby is going to need it."


Alexis walked toward her father, crappy hospital coffee in hand. She knew he wouldn't drink it, but she felt like she needed an excuse to approach him, to break the invisible barricade he had erected around himself.

Josh had walked away, leaving everyone stunned in his wake, almost an hour ago and her father had slinked into this corner in search of solitude.

She considered that maybe he had taken Josh's advice and was praying for a miracle to happen. But she knew it was more likely that he was spiralling, going down the dangerous path of I should have done more.

She lowered herself into the seat beside him and held the carboard cup out for him.

"Thank you," he said softly.

She watched him fidget, twisting the cup aimlessly in his hands.

"You want to talk?"

"About what?"

She rolled her eyes, briefly considered walking away, but she knew this version of her father wasn't purposefully shutting her out.

He was genuinely shutting down: the hurt was too much for him, and he just wanted it to stop.

But she needed her dad. And sooner or later, she hoped, Kate would need him, too.

She looked back to the rest of the group, huddled in their seats just as they had been when she left in search of something that resembled coffee.

She watched Jim as he sat, head bowed, and eyes closed. She couldn't imagine how the man must be feeling right now as he faced the possibility of losing the only family he had left.

"We're all praying," she said, turning back to him with tears in her eyes.

Castle recognised the hurt in her eyes, the look of guilt that lingered and tried to hide in the shadowy pool of tears.

He had seen this before: she wanted to confess something.

"What are you praying for?"

She shrugged. "That Kate is okay. That the baby is okay."

"No, Alexis. What are you praying for?"

She stared into his eyes for what felt like a lifetime before her composure cracked.

"Forgiveness," she whispered.

Her composure crumbled and tears streamed down her cheeks.

He placed the coffee he had no intent on drinking on the floor then pulled his daughter into his arms. "Alexis..."

"I was so angry at her for hurting you," she admitted through her sobs. "When you said that she was pregnant I didn't want it to be true. I wished that it wasn't and now-"

Her body shuddered as she sobbed; her tears soaked through his shirt.

"I didn't mean it," she continued, pleading with him to believe her. "I didn't want anything bad to happen."

"Alexis, you didn't make this happen."

"I know, it's stupid, I know." She lifted her face from his shirt and looked up to meet his eyes. "I just feel so guilty."

"You were angry and trying to process big news. This isn't on you; you have no reason to feel guilty about this."

"What if something happens?" she whispered, scared that if she spoke the words too loud they might come true. "What if she- I, I just don't want her thinking I hated her."

"I promise you; she doesn't think that."

"How do you know?"

"I know that because she told me." More or less, anyway. "The time you spent with her yesterday meant the world to her."

Alexis shook her head and fixed her eyes on the floor. "I only showed her a few things, and then I left because Paige called."

"It was enough to make her day. She was so happy afterward; she even played a little bit of what you taught her for me; it was pretty good."

Alexis smiled. "She already knew most of it."

"Well, she credits your patience and kindness to her success," he said with a smile.

The girl looked at her hands as she picked at her nails nervously.

"She's going to be okay, right?" she asked.

She brought her eyes up to meet his.

He wanted to alleviate her guilt – this wasn't her fault in any way – but he had no way of knowing, not yet. And the last thing he wanted to do was make a promise to his daughter while she was in such a fragile state of mind, especially when keeping that promise was entirely out of his control.

"Mr. Beckett?" A man in scrubs, presumably Kate's surgeon, stepped out into the hallway as he called out and drew the attention of everyone who had gathered by.

"Yes," Jim identified himself, stepping toward the surgeon.

He turned to Castle and, with a simple nod, invited him to join them.

"You okay if I-?" he started to ask his daughter, but his question was cut off by her overzealous nod.

He released his hold of her as he slowly rose and walked over to join the discussion.

"I'm Dr. Kovaks, your daughter's surgeon. Your daughter suffered what we call a traumatic pneumothorax," Dr. Kovaks acknowledged Castle's presence with a curt nod as he informed Jim of Kate's condition. "What that means is air is entering the pleural cavity, causing the lung to not be able to expand properly as she breathes. Unfortunately, she is also bleeding into the cavity and the pressure has caused the lung to collapse. A chest tube has been inserted into the cavity to drain it and allow her lungs to fully expand."

"So, she's going to be okay," Jim said, hopeful that the worst was over now.

"Your daughter's condition was complicated by her iron deficiency," Dr. Kovaks explained.

"Iron deficiency?"

Castle touched the back of his hand to Jim's forearm in attempt to gain the older man's attention.

"She was hospitalized last night," Castle explained once Jim managed to pull his attention away from the doctor. "It was late by the time we found out what was wrong, she was going to talk to you about it today."

"Hospitalized?"

"Quick visit to the ER for an iron infusion and then sent on our way," Castle filled the worried man in, vaguely. "If it were anything dire you would have been informed immediately, I promise."

"Without enough iron, the body can't produce efficient red blood cells which can severely effect oxygen flow throughout the body." Dr. Kovaks dove back into his explanation. "Add the blood loss and the fact that she cannot breathe independently right now, we had no choice but to intervene."

"Intervene?" Castle's stomach dropped, heartbeat racing. "What does that mean?"

Even without clarification, he knew it couldn't be a sign of anything good. He wiped his sweaty palms down his thighs.

As Dr. Kovaks shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his body turned ever so slightly so that he was facing toward Castle.

"The foetus is in distress and pulling vital resources for its survival, resources that Katherine doesn't have readily available right now."

He didn't have to be a doctor to read between the lines on this one. Without intervention – as Dr. Kovaks had called it – fighting for survival was becoming a dangerous tug of war between Kate and the baby.

"Brain cells are very sensitive to a lack of oxygen and can start to die off very quickly if there isn't a sufficient supply. To help ease the stress on her body we have put her into a controlled state of unconsciousness."

"A medically induced coma?" Jim asked for clarification.

"Yes. It is not common practice, but I assure you it is safe, for Katherine and the foetus. There are benefits. Mostly, this buys us time that we need: twenty-four to forty-eight hours of us being in control of her brain function, her breathing, is time where her body's energy can be focused on healing, not fighting."

"Can I see her?" Jim asked, visibly overloaded by the information. It was obvious he just needed to see his daughter, to know that she was okay.

"She is being transferred into ICU. It may take a little while to get everything set up, but someone will come and get you as soon as you are able to see her." Dr. Kovaks gave Jim a comforting pat on the shoulder before he addressed the rest of the group. "I suggest everyone else go home, get some rest."

"Thank you, Doctor." Jim turned to Castle as the doctor walked away. "You should go home, rest up. I can call you when we can see her."

"I don't want to leave her," Castle argued as respectfully as possible. "I don't want to leave you, either. You shouldn't be alone."

"Son, with all due respect, seeing you like this isn't helping." Jim's eyes dropped to Castle's chest and realisation dawned on him.

He was still covered in Kate's blood. Though dry now and barely visible on the dark material, the deep staining was unmistakable to those who knew it was there.

"I'll call you," the man reassured him.

"I'll stay," Lanie offered quietly as she wrapped her fingers around Castle's bicep. "It's okay, Castle. Take your family home."

Castle pressed his fingertips to his forehead and gently massaged the tension in his temples.

"Right, yeah, I- uh. I'll go." He held his arm out and Alexis stepped into his arms, ready to leave with him. "If you need anything,"

"I'll call."