May 23, 2011 (9w5d)

Sterile. White. Fluorescent.

And cold. Too cold.

He had never been to this part of the hospital before, which was something he had never been more grateful for as he walked the wide corridor toward the hub of the Intensive Care Unit.

This place was so clean and clinical; it made his stomach churn as his mind drew parallels, made the connection and remembered what this place reminded him of: the morgue.

This place seemed just as lifeless. There was no idle chatter among visiting family members, no excess of staff to walk the hallways engaging in harmless, time-killing workplace gossip.

Just machines.

Technological lifelines singing their incessant tune; beep, ding, whir.

Their song grew louder as he moved further into the unit, but still not loud enough to drown out the thundering of his brain as it pounded his skull, throbbed behind his eyes. He had gulped down too many aspirin as soon as he had arrived home, but they didn't seem to be working in the slightest and now the flickering fluorescent lights were his greatest enemy.

He rubbed his right eye - where the pain seemed to radiate from - with the heel of his right palm as he looked down at the words scrawled on his left.

Lanie had called as a nurse escorted her and Jim to Kate's room. As she relayed every step they had taken to ensure he would have no issue finding them upon his return, he scribbled her directions onto the palm of his non-dominant hand. If he had dictated correctly, he was approaching his final direction.

The knowledge that he was close was exactly the motivation he needed to set his discomfort aside: he was just moments away from seeing Kate, just moments from being able to remind himself that he hadn't lost her. The battle was far from over, but they were one step closer.

He heard a chime through the PA system, a call for a Doctor D'Arcy to please report to paediatrics sliced through the silence. Castle looked up, over his shoulder, to the speaker he had just walked past to listen to the call as it repeated. It was a brief distraction from his internal tornado of worry and grief. Brief, but oh so welcome.

"Oof." He heard grunted as his body collided with something, knocking the air from his lungs.

Hands gripped his biceps, stilling his movement, steadying him. "I am so sorry," a familiar voice declared with urgency.

"I'm sorry," Castle rushed to apologise as he finally redirected his attention from the speaker box on the wall. "Pardon my... absent-mindedness..."

His voice trailed off as he looked into the familiar brown eyes. He straightened his posture and straightened his jacket out.

"I'm sorry," Josh said again, in a much more neutral tone, as he dropped his hands from Castle's arms. "Wasn't paying attention."

"Yeah, no, I- uh-" Castle looked back over his shoulder to the speaker box, before returning his attention to Josh. "I got distracted. I'm sorry."

Tension swirled in the air around them as they stood in an uncomfortable silence.

Josh glanced down at Castle's busted lip and Castle could have sworn he saw what looked like regret in the doctor's eyes.

"I, uh- I'm sorry I hit you," Josh said, breaking the silence.

A stinging pain shot through Castle's lip as his tongue ran over the bruised and slightly swollen point of contact. Through the partially self-inflicted pain, he smiled and shrugged.

"Water under the bridge," he replied, determined to make this situation as painless as possible.

He watched Josh's mouth open slightly, as if he was going to say something, before he closed it again and pursed his lips together thoughtfully.

"Uh, she's just around the corner," Josh stated as he pointed his thumb in the direction Castle was already headed. "Third room on your left."

Castle offered a small, hesitant smile. "Thank you."

Josh stepped aside to make room for Castle to pass by but as he rounded the corner, Josh called out.

"Hey, Castle?"

He turned back to face the man again. "Yeah?"

"Just... brace yourself," he warned. "It can be a lot to take in at first if you've never seen it before. But... she's okay."

He tried to calm the million thoughts that swirled around his mind. If Josh - the man who just hours ago had been filled with such rage he lost control and physically attacked him - was suddenly filled with empathy and compassion, he could only imagine what he might be about to walk into.

"Th-thanks for the heads up," he stuttered as he tried to calm his mind.

He took a deep breath and continued on his journey.

He turned the corner into the main corridor of the ICU. Each room that lined each side of the corridor was made of glass; like the tank-lined walls of a pet store, like he was browsing for a new goldfish to replace the class pet that hadn't survived it's weekend field trip to the loft all those years ago.

The first room he passed was empty. A stripped bed in the centre of the room, surrounded by machinery not comparable to any hospital room he had seen before.

The second room had the pale yellow privacy curtain pulled partially closed, but through the opening he could see an elderly man connected to more wires and IV lines than he would have thought possible. As he moved past, he noticed a priest by the man's bedside, and what he could only assume was family members grieving openly.

The family's tears provided all the information Castle needed: this was their goodbye.

His stomach dropped as the reality of this place settled in. For the first time, his curiosity dissipated. He didn't want to think statistically, didn't want to know the numbers, the percentage of people who actually make it out of the ICU.

The numbers didn't matter. Kate was strong, she was a fighter and she was getting out of here.

She was coming home to him.

She had to.

They were going to be a family.

He took a deep breath and slowed his pace. The next room - shielded by a lavender purple privacy curtain - was Kate's room and he suddenly found himself needing just a few extra seconds to prepare himself.

He stopped by the door - opened, but blocked by the curtain - and took a moment to calm his racing heart. Through the gap in the curtain, he could see Jim and Lanie sitting together in pensive silence.

Lanie must have sensed his presence and she looked up at him, her eyes tired and filled with tears. She offered the slightest smile before she stood and walked toward him.

"Hey," she whispered as she stepped out of the room.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked as he reached out for her, touching her forearm gently.

She nodded as she wiped a stray tear from under her eye. "Yeah, it's just... been a long day."

She let out a small, sad ghost of a laugh.

Been a long day didn't even begin to cover the exhaustion and heartache that had enveloped them all: an ever-present, slowly suffocating blanket.

He held his arms out and she stepped closer, accepting his comfort.

"You need a break?"

She shook her head, no. "Jim might," she said as she looked back into the room.

Castle checked his watch: almost 5pm. "Have you both eaten?"

Lanie pulled from his arms and shook her head again. "I, uh, I brought up a sandwich for him earlier but I don't think he's touched it," she told Castle as she looked back over her shoulder.

Castle peered over her head and took a moment to watch Jim as he sat in silence, obviously lost in his thoughts.

He moved his attention back to Lanie. "And what about you?"

"I'm not hungry," she brushed him off without so much as looking at him.

"Just... humour me?"

Her eyes burned into his with a defiance that he found oddly comforting. For a short moment he wondered if she and Kate practiced these looks - looks that he could swear were reserved solely for him - when he wasn't around. They had to at least be swapping notes. Maybe they took a Master Class, studying under the true expert in this discipline: Alexis.

He smiled at the thought and Lanie's eyes softened.

Wordlessly, she stepped back into the room and placed her hand on Jim's shoulder to gain his attention. After a brief exchange of words, the man rose from his seat and walked toward Castle.

"Rick," he greeted as he stepped out of the room.

He held his hand out and Castle readily accepted it. As they shook hands, Castle touched his left hand to Jim's wrist: a silent show of sincerity and support for the man. Jim smiled, acknowledging the act, but his eyes were as hollow as Kate's had been.

"How is she?"

"She's stable," Jim said solemnly.

Castle had hoped for more, for any and every little piece of information they could offer. But, for now, stable was good enough.

"Come in." Jim stepped aside, motioning into the room with an open palm.

Castle hesitated. "Actually, there is something I need to do before I get settled in here."

"What's that?"

"Food," he stated as if it were the only obvious answer. "For you and Lanie."

"Oh, I'm not-"

"Not up for debate, sorry," he interrupted Jim's protests. "Because when she -" He pointed toward the room. "- pulls through this, if she finds out that I wasn't feeding you and making sure you actually stepped outside for a breath of fresh air every now and then, she will kill me."

Oh, dear God, he hoped Jim would be able to embrace his neurotic need to lighten the situation easier than Kate had...

Jim lowered his head and, if Castle didn't know better, he could have sworn he heard a chuckle.

Because, even though he was trying to lighten the mood, they all knew there was a truth to his words.

"Food and air, like a potted plant?" Jim looked back up to him. "I can't leave her alone," he said, apologetically.

"Oh, of course," Castle agreed. "That is why Lanie will be taking you to the cafeteria downstairs while I stay here with Kate."

He looked at Lanie, resting his hand on her shoulder, giving her the opportunity to speak up if she wasn't comfortable with this plan. When she nodded he pulled his wallet from his jeans pocket and passed a small wad of cash to her before tucking it away again.

"I hear the food here isn't half bad," he added as he turned his attention back to Jim, trying to persuade the man. "And the cafeteria is directly below us, you won't be any more than five minutes away."

"Is this payback for me sending you home before?" Jim asked with a smile and Castle relaxed, understanding that this was Jim leaning into the humour to lighten the mood thing.

"No," he promised with a smile. "Later, when I insist you go home and try to get some sleep: that will be payback."

Jim smiled and patted Castle on the shoulder. "Not gonna happen," he said as he stepped closer to Lanie.

"We'll discuss it."

Castle waited and watched as Jim and Lanie walked away.

He was stalling, trying desperately to buy himself extra precious seconds of ignorance. Right now, all he knew was that she was alive and her condition was stable: if he just... never stepped foot into this room, he could carry on pretending that everything was fine.

He could replay the memories of this morning over and over again: a supercut of better times.

He would start with her frustrated groan when their alarm - their alarm - went off after just a few short hours of sleep. The way she snuggled further into his side instead of pulling herself out of bed, only relenting once he promised her they would return to that exact position as soon as they could.

Cut to the small, precious moment of panic when she dressed in her uniform and insisted her belly was too obvious. Replay highlights of the ten minutes that followed of her untucking and re-tucking her shirt in an attempt to hide the bump, despite his reassurances that it really wasn't that evident. The way she smoothed her hands over it, whispering reassurances to their unborn child: I'm not actually mad, it's just going to be a rough day.

Skip forward to their embrace in front of the precinct; the way she allowed herself to rely on him, so openly. The way his words and his arms wrapped around her, seemed to be the only thing that could comfort and calm her.

Focus on the intensity when he felt it: her love for him. There was no doubt, no fear, just warmth that spread through him like wildfire.

Finish with the tight curve of her lips as she tried not to return his proud smile, just moments before darkness crept in.

His entire body shuddered as if it were trying to physically expel the memory from his mind.

It can be a lot to take in at first if you've never seen it before.

The words brought an abrupt end to his mental montage. He closed his eyes to force Josh's warning from his mind. Why did he have to say that? Castle was fine before his run-in with the doctor.

He sighed. No he wasn't.

He wasn't under any illusion that this would be easy for him. All Josh did was ensure he wasn't walking into this blindly, he couldn't fault the man for that.

In fact, he was grateful for it.

He took a deep breath and swallowed his fear with a reminder that she was here, she was alive and fighting to see another day.

That was more than he thought possible, just hours ago.

He shifted the curtain as he stepped into the room. The sharp scrape of metal links sliding through the curtain's tracks gained the attention of Kate's nurse, who smiled her silent greeting.

But Castle couldn't muster any form of acknowledgement for the friendly young blonde and her too bright for such a sombre scene hot pink scrubs.

His eyes were glued to Kate - the love of his life - laying motionless, so vulnerable and weak, in the bed before him.

He didn't know what was more jarring: her eyes being taped shut, the thick plastic tube that led to a big, bulky ventilator - the only thing that kept her breathing - or the dozens of other tubes and wires that were attached to or protruding from her body.

The blood pressure cuff around her bicep began to hum as it inflated, the Velcro grips tore loudly as it tightened around her arm. After a minute, the cuff hissed as it deflated, and the reading was updated on the monitor beside Kate's bed.

He looked at the monitor, eyes drifting over the colourful array of numbers and moving lines. Nothing made sense.

He moved his attention back to Kate as he finally found it in himself to move closer to her. Very carefully, he brushed his fingers through a lock of hair, moving it off her shoulder.

"You let her hair down?" The words came out a strangled, almost cry, like he was accusing the nurse of something much more sinister than removing a few hair pins.

He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat before turning his attention to the nurse. He could see confusion cross her face before she replaced it with a warm smile.

"Pins and hair ties can increase the risk of pressure sores," she explained. "It's more comfortable for Kate this way."

He continued to watch the nurse as she took two steps toward Kate's bed and ducked down to check on something before moving back to her desk to jot notes down on Kate's chart. She clicked her tongue as she wrote and seemed entirely too cheery for the setting: from the painted on smile to the colourful stickers on her hospital ID, she looked like she had stepped straight out of a cartoon.

"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

His eyes darted back to Kate, taking her in from head to toe.

Yes, he had a million questions. Truthfully, he wouldn't even know where to start.

"Uh, do you mind explaining what all this-" He waved his hand in the air as if to highlight, well, everything. "-is for? I just... I like to know, I like to research and have the facts. It's comforting."

The nurse smiled. "Of course, I can do that."

She became nothing more than a pink blur that moved around the room as he looked at Kate and focused on the words that spilled from the nurse's mouth as effortlessly as a waiter spouting off the special of the day.

"These small patches on her head, chest, arms and legs are electrodes for the electrocardiogram and electroencephalogram. When we hook them up to this machine-" She touched her fingertips to a monitor behind Kate's bed. "-we will be able to monitor heart and brain function."

"Why aren't they connected now?"

"It's not something that needs to be monitored 24/7. We have the pulse oximeter on her finger, that will keep track of her heart rate and blood oxygen. If anything unusual shows up on that, then we'll redo the electrocardiogram, but for now she is doing great."

He forced his eyes from Kate to look at her nurse, who's smile seemed confident... encouraging. He realised this nurse didn't seem out of place, at all: the brightness of her smile, the cheery demeanour, the playfulness of her uniform - it was all a purposefully crafted role that this woman was playing... for them.

His eyes drifted down to her hospital ID in search for the woman's name, something that - under any other circumstances - he was sure he would have remembered to ask as soon as he entered the room. That was when he saw the familiar white dollie script name embroidered on the breast pocket of her scrubs.

"Nurse... Barbie?" he questioned sceptically.

"It's a, uh, long story." She removed her latex glove and held her hand out to him. "Barbara, Barbie, Barb... I'll answer to just about any variation."

He shook her hand. "Rick Castle."

Barbara moved back to her station to retrieve a new glove before returning back to Kate's bedside.

"This here is the endotracheal tube for the ventilator."

"I'm familiar with that one," he informed her.

He had spent most of his time at home researching everything he could remember Dr. Kovaks telling them. He had fallen down a medical journal rabbit hole on Propofol and intubation methods: the pro's, the con's, the increased risks and mortality rates. Though objectively these rates were extremely low, when it's your family... well, anything less than a guarantee just isn't good enough.

Alexis had managed to pull him from his spiral but this wasn't a rabbit hole he wanted to revisit anytime soon.

"Got it. So, next we have a blood pressure cuff. This stays one stays on, it will automatically take a reading every hour and update directly to the monitor." She pointed over her shoulder to the monitor of colourful numbers and lines, but quickly moved on. "Then we have this tube here. This is a chest tube. It was inserted into the pleural space during surgery. So it sits between the lung and the chest wall and it drains any build up that might be stopping Kate's lungs from being able to expand fully."

"It's been several hours, shouldn't the blood be drained by now?"

"Fluid build up after surgery is to be expected," she assured him. "The drain will stay in for a few days at least, until we are certain there is nothing left to obstruct expansion."

Castle nodded as his eyes drifted over Kate's body, mentally recounting the new information he had, matching each wire and tube to their purpose. "What about these catheters? Are they just for medication?"

"Yes, so, this one here-" She pointed across Kate to the tube peeking out from under her hospital gown, taped to her right thigh. "-is a central venous catheter, connected to the syringe driver. As you can see, we have several medications loaded in the syringes and each one is programmed with it's own specifications. The driver will gradually administer the meds directly into the femoral artery. Kate is currently receiving a general antibiotic for potential infection, pain medications and an anti-nausea medication."

Barb moved her attention back up to Kate's arms, motioning toward her right-hand side, closest to Castle.

"The IV closest to you is an iron infusion and the one in the back of her hand is for fluids. And this one-" She pointed to the catheter at Kate's left elbow. "-is for drawing blood."

There was a knock against the wall that brought today's ICU 101 session to an abrupt end. A man in navy scrubs poked his head into the room.

"Am I interrupting?" he asked.

"Of course not," Barb responded cheerfully. "Mr. Castle, this is Dr Khan. He is the ICU consultant for Kate's case."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Castle." Dr Khan held out his hand and Castle shook it. "Are you... family?"

"I'm her partner," Castle replied, hoping the all-encompassing term would be good enough.

"Ah, yes. Mr Beckett did say to expect you at some point." The doctor flashed his pearl-white teeth before continuing. "I spoke to him earlier about inserting a nasogastric tube so that we can start giving Kate some nutrient packs. I've got a team gearing up to do that now, if that's okay?"

"Yes, absolutely! I'll just-" Castle stepped aside, awkwardly tucking himself as far into the corner of the room as he could. "-I'll get out of your way."

"I apologise, Mr. Castle, but I will be needing you to leave the room while they insert the tube."

"Why do I need to leave?"

"The process is slightly different in intubated patients," Dr Khan explained.

Castle looked at Barb, her eyes conveying the message he knew no one would say out loud.

This isn't something you'll want to witness.

"It shouldn't take long," she assured him with a smile. "Maybe use it as an opportunity to grab yourself a coffee or something."

He looked at Kate as he walked toward her. Reality felt so heavy right now, like a weight he wasn't prepared for settling deep in his stomach.

He didn't want to leave her, but he also knew that these people did this every single day and, if they were advising against him staying, he was certain he should heed their advice.

He reached out cautiously and folded his fingers around hers, giving her just the slightest squeeze.

He knew better, but when she didn't squeeze back, didn't move even slightly, a wave of sadness rushed through him, adding to that heaviness inside.

He had severely underestimated the strength it would take to walk away from her when she was like this.

Slowly, he nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. "O-okay."


He paced the corridor outside of Kate's room as he waited.

He had considered taking Barb's advice and getting himself a coffee, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Kate. Besides, he had promised Jim he would stay by her side; even just being outside of the room felt too far.

"It shouldn't take long," he muttered the nurse's words sarcastically under his breath.

He wasn't sure exactly how long this process was supposed to take, but he felt like he had been pacing for an eternity now.

He craned his head trying to peek through the privacy curtain but through the slight crack in the fabric shield, all he could see was the foot of the bed.

With a huff, he went back to pacing.

After several more minutes, Lanie and Jim walked around the corner. His eyes locked on Jim's and he saw the instant panic spread over the man's face.

"What's going on?" Jim asked, his eyes darting anxiously between Castle and the closed door of Kate's room.

"Nothing," Castle assured the man as quickly as possible. "They, um- everything is fine. They're just inserting a nasogastric tube so they asked me to step outside for a moment."

He watched as Jim repeated his action from just minutes ago, trying to peek through the curtains.

"It shouldn't take long," he repeated the nurse's words once more, this time as if he actually believed them.

Two short beeps came from Lanie's phone.

"Sorry, that's Javi," she explained as she read the incoming text messages.

"Everything okay?" Castle asked her.

"Yeah, he's waiting outside. I have to go, sorry."

She stepped forward to hug Castle. His arms wrapped around her, holding her tight.

"If you need anything at all, you call me, okay?"

"I will," he said with a soft smile as he pulled away from her.

She turned to face Jim again. "Anything at all!" she said before she pulled him in for a hug, too.

"Thank you, Lanie."

Just as Lanie walked away, Barb slid the privacy curtain open. "You can come back in now," she said with a smile.

Castle motioned with his hand into the room, allowing Jim to enter first. Both men lingered at a distance, taking in the new addition to the already overwhelming sight. The thin cream coloured tube, taped to her cheek, was already hooked up to a nutrient pack.

"Temp is slightly elevated," one of the intensivists commented.

"Increase acetaminophen dosage to 500milligrams," Dr Khan instructed. "See if that brings it back down."

"A fever? Does that mean she has an infection?" Castle asked as he tried to contain his concern.

"That is possible, yes." Dr Khan addressed both Castle and Jim. "But it could be a number of other things, too. Slightly elevated temperature could also be due to medications. Hormones are also a considerable factor here, so it's best not to jump to worst case scenario. Kate is already on broad spectrum antibiotics and we have taken blood cultures so if anything grows, we will be able to swap to something more specified. For now, there's no cause for concern."

"Dr Khan?" another intensivist called to gain the doctor's attention.

Castle, Jim and the Dr Khan all looked his way. The man was standing by Kate's bedside holding a hand-held doppler, probe pressed to Kate's abdomen.

"Foetal heart rate has fallen below 200 beats per minute," he continued.

"Current reading?" Dr Khan asked, brow furrowed.

"192bpm." The intensivist passed a medical chart to the doctor.

"Is that bad?" Jim asked as Dr Khan read over the chart.

"Your average, healthy foetus at 9 to 10 weeks has a heart rate between 160 and 180 beats per minute," Dr Khan explained. "The reading is still tachycardic, but I'm seeing a steady decrease. It seems now that Kate's condition has stabilised, so is the foetus'."

Castle exhaled, a weight lifted off his shoulders.

"We will continue to monitor closely but, for now, I am happy with what I am seeing."