May 24, 2011 (9w6d)
"Castle." He heard his name, a stage whisper that barely cut over the endless beeping that kept him from falling into the deep sleep his body so desperately needed. "Castle!"
He didn't have to open his eyes to know it was still night - or very early morning - because even in the windowless confines of this ward, sunrise would have been marked by an assault of fluorescent lights that even closed eyelids couldn't fully block out.
Castle rolled over slightly in the recliner an orderly had rolled into the room for him. A bed, it was not. But it was significantly more comfortable to "sleep" in than the visitors' chairs, so he wasn't about to complain.
Castle could hear Jim's soft snores from the other side of the room. The man had been uncompromising in his insistence that Castle take the recliner.
"I won't be sleeping," Jim had stated as stubbornly as his daughter would have.
Not an hour later, Jim's eyes closed, and his head fell back against the wall: fatigue had won the battle.
"Castle," the whisper beckoned to him again. "Are you awake?"
If Jim was contently snoring in the corner...
He forced his eyes open and sat upright. "Kate?"
The room was lit only by the soft glow radiating from the monitors.
"Everything okay, Mr Castle?" Noah, the night nurse, asked.
Castle slumped back into the chair as he absorbed the scene before him: Kate was exactly how she had been an hour ago, when he last woke to check on her.
"Yeah, I'm... yeah." He sighed, trying to ignore the disappointment that stirred in him. "Sorry. I'm fine, just a dream."
He pulled the woven cotton blanket that had at some point been draped over his lap up to his chest and rolled to his side, hiding his face from Noah as tears began to well in his eyes.
He told himself that he wouldn't cry himself to sleep. He lied.
Three am, on the dot, he woke again.
It seemed his brain wasn't comprehending Kate's current situation and, instead, wanted to replay every other possible scenario for him.
Movie nights, snuggled up on the couch sharing popcorn.
Lazy mornings in bed, talking about anything and everything, making vague plans for their future.
The two of them walking hand-in-hand along the beach outside his Hampton's residence, as they had discussed just yesterday.
Right now, that discussion seemed like a lifetime ago.
He checked his phone, not expecting anyone to have tried to reach out to him since he last checked - given the hour - but he was desperate for distraction and felt relieved to see he had received a text from Alexis, just 20 minutes ago.
Can't sleep, thinking of Kate. Hope everything is going alright. Call me when you wake up, please.
Still sleepy and a little uncoordinated, he closed the footrest of the recliner and stood to stretch his arms over his head, yawning.
"Get much sleep?" Jim asked from his corner of the room.
Castle startled a little, not expecting Jim to be awake already. "Uh, yeah, a little. You want the recliner now?"
Jim shook his head. "No. Thank you."
Castle took a few small steps toward the bed. He placed his hand over Kate's stomach; partially for the connection to her and their child, partially because he was too scared to touch her anywhere else, afraid that he might knock or pull or interfere with one of the many vital lines that cascaded over her body. Barb and Noah had both reassured him, several times, that he wouldn't hurt her, that it would take more than an accidental bump to cause her any harm, but he wasn't about to take any chances.
"I'll be right back," he announced to the room, although his true intention was to make sure Kate knew he wasn't leaving her.
It may have been naïve, but he needed to believe that she knew he was there, that she could hear him.
As he walked toward the door, he held his phone up for Jim to see. "Just making a quick phone call."
He pulled the privacy curtain aside and the lighting from the hallway blinded him temporarily. He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and allowing a moment of recovery before slowly opening them again. He closed the curtain behind him and walked down the corridor to the information desk.
"Excuse me," he said softly as he approached the desk.
The middle-aged woman manning the desk looked up from her computer screen and smiled. "Hi, how may I help you?"
"I was told there is a visitor's room somewhere. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?"
"Of course." The woman stood so that she could see over the high countertop. "You go straight down to the end of this hallway and turn left," she instructed, waving her hand in the air to mimic the directions she gave him.
"Thank you very much."
"Oh, you're very welcome," she replied with a bright smile.
He followed the woman's directions and, sure enough, he found the room he was looking for. The room was large, each wall was lined by cushioned bench seats and covered with bulletin boards that were crowded with informational brochures and posters.
Your health is our priority.
Communicating with your healthcare provider: improving the safety & quality of your care.
Could it be sepsis: the question that saves lives.
It was an overload to his already wired brain - should he be taking the time to read through all this information? How would he know what was and wasn't relevant?
He decided that would be a task for later, once he was fully awake, and forced his eyes away from the collage of medical posters. Along the wall closest to him there was a small kitchenette stocked with an assortment of teas, instant coffee, cocoa powder and a water urn.
Allowing his writer's curiosity to give his head and his heart a short reprieve, he began to look in the cabinetry. The kitchenette was well stocked with everything one could possibly need.
The cupboard above the bench held cups, plates and take-away containers. The bench drawers held cutlery, towels and cloths for dishes and a folder containing information about nearby restaurants that deliver to the hospital. There was even a small pantry and fridge that was stocked with biscuits, milk and creamer, basic condiments and salt & pepper.
He took a seat at the large dining table that filled the space. He pulled out his phone and typed out a text to make sure Alexis was still awake before he called. Her reply came almost instantly.
With a smile, he dialled.
"Hey, Dad," she greeted, her voice low and sleepy.
"Did I wake you?"
"No, I've been drifting in and out for most of the night," she said with a heavy sigh. "How is Kate?"
"No change," he informed her as he leant back in the chair. "Apparently that's a good thing, though."
"Better than-" she stopped herself before carelessly speaking the words no one needed to hear. "How are you doing? Have you slept at all?"
"I'm doing okay," he promised her.
The line went silent. He knew that now was probably the time to fill it with some light-hearted commentary. Instead, he leant against the tabletop and rested his cheek on his fist. He took a moment to appreciate the silence and take solace in the fact that his daughter was with him, on the other end of the line.
As much as he would love to see her, to hug her and allow her presence to rid him of some of his sorrows, he didn't want to subject her to this.
To the horrid feeling of being right there but being so utterly helpless.
"Will you be coming home at all today?" she asked, breaking the silence. "I can make you breakfast, have it all ready for you."
"I appreciate that, kiddo, but I- I just don't know. It's, uh. It's hard to leave her."
"Maybe Gram and I can bring you something?" she suggested. "Something for Mr Beckett, too."
"You don't have to, Pumpkin."
"Dad, please?" she pleaded with him. "I have to do something."
The almost imperceptible break in her voice was like a knife to the heart and he realised that keeping her away wasn't doing a damn thing to save her from that helpless feeling.
"Breakfast sounds great," he whispered as he tried to keep his emotions from his voice. He cleared his voice and tried to force a molecule of authority into his words. "But sleep first, okay?"
"I will, I promise."
"I love you."
"Love you too, Dad."
He hung up the phone and tucked it into his pocket. He looked around the room again, taking in the bulletins. With a heavy sigh he decided that this place was somehow even more stressful than Kate's bedside. The newfound sense that he was too far away pulled him from his seat and he strode back toward her room with an unfounded urgency in each step.
When he stepped through the curtain, he made a beeline for Kate.
"I'm here." He whispered his assurances as he folded his hand over hers. "I'm right here, Kate."
He brushed her hair back from her forehead as he stared at her, waiting for... anything.
Usually, this would be the moment where she would start to stir from her sleep, slowly open her eyes to find him staring at her with that goofy, loved-up smile he knew she secretly loved. She would groan and tell him that staring was creepy but as she closed her eyes and soaked in those final moments of rest, she would smile because she knew, without a doubt, she was loved and adored.
What he wouldn't give to hear her say he was creepy...
He was obviously sleep deprived because he could have sworn that he felt her finger brush against the palm of his hand.
His eyes darted to where their hands joined, and he watched and waited.
He could feel the steady thud of his heart grow stronger as each second passed, climbing from his chest to his throat. He tried to swallow it back down to where it belonged, but it only climbed higher until the beeping of monitors was replaced entirely by the sound of his heartbeat thundering in his head.
He reminded himself to breathe, to inhale and exhale slowly to calm himself down.
Just as he had almost convinced himself he was just imagining things again, he felt the slight flutter of movement against his palm.
"She's moving!" he blurted before he could even compute whether that was a good thing or not.
Jim was by his side in seconds.
"She's crying," the older man said, directing his words to Noah.
Castle moved his gaze back to her face just in time to see the single tear drop slide down her cheek and into her hair. He fought back the memory of watching her tears fall into her hair, when he cradled her as she bled out.
"Is she in pain?" Castle asked as he ignored the guilt that he would likely carry with him until the day he died.
"We have to keep her eyes lubricated to prevent potential problems such a scratching or swelling. We use saline drops every four hours so it's most likely just a build-up of moisture," Noah explained. He checked his watch before continuing. "Speaking of which, I am due to re-lubricate."
Noah donned a fresh pair of latex gloves then reached across the bed, gently pulling the tape from Kate's eyes. The nurse carefully added the saline drops to each eye, wiped away the excess with a cotton pad and then placed fresh medical tape to secure her eyes closed.
"And what about the movement? Is that to be expected, too?"
"I'll get Dr Khan to check in once he arrives, but all her vitals have remained stable-"
"I didn't imagine it." Castle defended himself against the accusations no one verbalised.
Noah smiled as he peeled off his latex gloves and began to wash his hands. "I'm not saying you did, Mr Castle. Kate's neurological function is being limited, it's not gone."
He pulled two sheets of paper towel from the dispenser, dried his hands and tossed the rubbish in the bin.
"Movement could mean many different things. As I was saying, her vitals have remained stable and therefore there is no reason to be alarmed by the movement. However, there is a good chance it was a random body twitch and means absolutely nothing."
Noah grabbed two clean gloves from the dispenser and a tub of petroleum jelly from under the nurses' station.
"I'm sorry," he said as he moved back to the bed. "I know it can be disheartening but I have fourteen hours' worth of monitoring that tells me this woman is a fighter!"
Noah worked his fingers into the gloves then scooped a small amount of the petroleum jelly onto his index finger and applied it to Kate's lips.
"Don't want her lips getting all dried and cracked."
Noah held the intubation tube and shifted it slightly so that he could access the covered part of her mouth.
"Can she feel that?" Castle asked, grimacing. "When you move it does it, like, move inside of her?"
"We are always careful as we move it," Noah assured him with a soft smile.
Castle knew that they had to be sick of his hovering by now, sick of the hundreds of questions he asked. But the hundred questions he did ask were only a fraction of the questions that stormed his mind at all times.
What is this line for? Why is the monitor beeping? When is she going to wake up?
Can she hear them? Can she feel when he is holding her hand? When is she going to wake up?
"At most, she might feel a gentle tugging sensation in her chest," Noah continued. "But she is heavily medicated right now, Mr. Castle. I assure you, she is in no pain."
"Would you know if she was?"
"I understand your concern. Think about how your body responds when you are in pain: your heart rate, blood pressure and respiratory rates will all increase. Kate is being monitored 24/7. If there is any change indicating that she is feeling even the slightest amount of pain, we will know instantly, and we can adjust her medication accordingly."
"I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance."
Noah chuckled. "Not at all, Mr. Castle. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have."
"Morning," Nurse Barb greeted as she walked back into the room with the same bright smile and enthusiasm she was sporting yesterday.
Castle turned to her, his exhaustion making it difficult to match her cheer.
"Morning," he mumbled back to her before returning his attention back to Kate.
The atmosphere in the room had shifted significantly over the past few hours. Castle had stayed by Kate's side, holding her hand for close to two hours now. He would wait as long as he had to: he knew what he had felt and no one could convince him otherwise.
Although, it was important to note that... no one had.
The only voice that had suggested he was wrong was his own, and that self-doubt was not something he was used to.
He hated it.
"We've had some muscle spasms this morning," Noah informed Barb, cautiously eyeing Castle as he did. "Dr Khan was informed when he arrived about twenty minutes ago. I'm not sure what his plan is but he will be back as soon as he has completed his first rounds."
"Okay, thanks," Barb acknowledged as she approached the nurse's station and began to check the overnight notes. "Any changes?"
"Nothing major," Noah answered. "The elevated temp lingered after the increased dose of acetaminophen so another set of blood cultures was done, but the temp went down again around 2am and has been stable since."
"Oh, that's great news!" Barb beamed.
Castle mustered a small smile for her, knowing the enthusiasm was for the benefit of Jim and himself.
As Noah finished going over his handover report, updating Barb on the events - or, more accurately, the non-events - of the night, Castle honed his focus on the steady sweep of his thumb along the back of Kate's hand. His movements were long, slow and cautious as he carefully navigated the IV placement.
"You okay, Rick?"
Castle tensed, startled by Jim's sudden presence by his side. He looked around the room: at some point, Noah had left and Dr Khan had returned.
"I need her to be okay," Castle whispered, unable to catch the thought before it tumbled out of his mouth. "I just want her back."
He looked at Jim, who lowered his head and avoided Castle's gaze.
"Maybe you should take a break," Jim suggested.
"I'm fine." Castle shook his head. "I'm not leaving."
"Okay," Jim conceded quickly, but Castle had a strong suspicion that this conversation would be readdressed in the near future.
Castle's focus was drawn to Dr Khan.
"That's good," the doctor said in regard to Kate's monitoring chart.
Castle watched as the man studied the meticulous notes that had been taken in his absence. Deep brown eyes scanned each page and Khan's brow furrowed as he concentrated.
"Really good," Dr Khan said again.
The doctor closed the folder and passed it back to Barb.
"We'll re-evaluate in-" He held up his left wrist and checked his watch. "Six hours and see how everything is going. If I'm liking what I see and she remains stable overnight, we'll look into tapering tomorrow morning."
Khan offered the two men a smile and a curt head nod, then left the room.
"Tapering?" Jim asked Barb as he moved to the other side of Kate's bed.
"We hook her back up to the EEG and EKG and we begin to slowly reduce dosages to see how she responds," Barb explained.
"So, she will come out of the coma?"
"Unfortunately, it's not that straightforward," she told Jim apologetically. "But it's one step closer."
Jim sighed and moved back his seat.
Castle empathised with the man. The past 20 hours had been draining, both mentally and physically, and they were both itching for progress, more progress. Leaps and bounds, not one little step closer.
He watched on, feeling utterly useless, as the man leant forward and buried his face in his hands.
"If you'd like a break..."
"Not yet," Jim interjected when Castle's confidence dipped and muted his train of thought.
Jim lifted his head from his hands and offered his most reassuring smile, but all Castle could focus on was the unmistakable shake, the tremors that Jim just couldn't hide anymore.
"But you will... if you need to."
"I, um, I have something I need to do tonight. Are you right to stay here with Katie?"
"Of course."
"An old friend is driving up from Baltimore," Jim explained, unprompted. "I just- it's important. I wouldn't leave her if it wasn't."
"I understand," Castle assured him.
Jim returned to his slumped position; hands framed his face as he stared at the speckled linoleum flooring.
The man seemed... old. Tired and fragile, as if he had aged a decade in just one day.
Castle wasn't a mind reader, but he didn't have to be to know that this man was in desperate need of a distraction. He racked his brain for some anecdotal tale that he could tell to alleviate some of the heartache, but everything seemed so bittersweet right now.
He looked across the bed to where Barb stood, entering Kate's latest temp reading into the computer, and an idea struck him.
"You said there was a long story behind the whole... Barbie thing."
"I did say that," she said as she smiled at the computer screen.
"Is there a Cliffs Notes version?" He encouraged her to share.
She sighed and turned to face Castle. "It's really not an interesting story," she said almost apologetically.
"I'm sure it's more interesting than sitting here in silence," he countered, trying not to be too pushy.
Castle's eyes flicked over to Jim again and he noticed that Kate's father had straightened up again, his curiosity piqued by the enquiry.
Barb nodded. "That is a fair point."
The computer dinged and a reminder popped up on the screen.
Barb read the reminder quickly before closing the window off the screen. From the work station, she pulled out the necessary items for Kate's eye and lip care.
As she worked, she told the story of how she became Nurse Barbie.
"My first year as an ICU intensivist was 2001," she started as she carefully peeled the tape from Kate's eyes. "For several months I was assigned to care solely for one woman. Her husband came in every single day and on weekends he would bring their daughter."
Castle felt his heart plummet to his stomach: this place was intimidating enough for adults, he couldn't imagine what it must be like for children.
"She was five years old," she continued. "Absolutely adorable: a very charismatic little girl. Loved to chat-" She smiled as she reminisced. "One day she came up to me and told me that she knew my secret, she knew that I was Barbie."
"How did she come to that conclusion?" Jim asked as he leant forward in his seat.
Barb looked over her shoulder to smile at Jim before returning her attention to Kate.
"She saw the pink scrubs, the blonde hair, blue eyes. When she saw the name on my ID and that just kind of solidified it for her, I guess."
When she finished with the eyedrops, Barb exchanged her gloves for a new set and swapped the drops for the petroleum jelly.
"I was going to explain to her that I wasn't actually Barbie but then she said that knowing that someone as smart as Barbie was looking after her mom made her feel a little less scared and a little less sad. So, obviously I just had to run with it."
"Obviously," Castle agreed wholeheartedly, causing Jim to smile and chuckle to himself.
"I only ever intended to play Barbie for this one little girl," she insisted. "But... we get a lot of kids come through visiting their loved ones: parents, grandparents, older siblings. When they see me walking the corridors, they smile. If I can make this place less scary and confusing, even for just a moment, then why not?"
Castle looked down at Kate and slipped his hand from hers. He moved it to rest on her stomach and smoothed his thumb across her hospital gown.
"Please tell me that little girl got her mother back," he asked softly, unsure if he really wanted to hear the answer.
After a second of silence, he forced his eyes away from Kate and looked at Barb.
She smiled. "I still receive Christmas cards. Last year's card included an announcement that they had welcomed twins just a month earlier."
He let out a heavy breath and his entire body relaxed as a seed of hope rooted itself deep in his chest.
May 25, 2011 (10w)
After having spent the night at home, Jim returned to the hospital bright and early the next morning with a refreshingly positive outlook on things.
Whoever Jim had seen last night, whatever they had done or discussed over the ten hours he was free of these hospital walls, Castle was grateful. The man walked into Kate's room with a smile on his face - an actual smile - holding two breakfast burgers and, much to Castle's delight, what looked to be an old photo album.
"Good morning," Jim greeted Castle and the overnight nurse as he dragged his armchair closer to the recliner.
"Morning," Castle responded with a beaming smile.
Jim settled into the armchair and handed Castle one of the burgers. "I thought we could use a little pick-me-up this morning and, well, I know nothing picks me up quite like looking through Katie's old photos."
"Jim, you have made my day and it is not even seven am."
They flipped through the pages of the photo album as they ate.
Carefully, Castle studied each snapshot Kate's childhood: memorising the recurring faces, cherishing each glimpse into the past - the scraped knees, messy faces, toothless grins - and couldn't help but wonder to what extent their child would resemble his (or her) mother.
This little girl with her fluffy, golden-brown hair, big, beautiful hazel eyes and a wicked smile that seemed to scream I'm up to no good was exactly the pick-me-up his heart had needed.
"Thank you," he muttered under his breath, unable to project his voice any further.
But Jim had heard him; heard the weariness in his whisper.
"Take a break, Rick." Jim rested his hand on Castle's shoulder. "Go for a walk, go home, do whatever you have to do - but you need to get out of here for a bit."
Four hours.
It almost killed him, but he did it.
Four hours of not hospital. And, Jim was right... he did need this.
He had showered, checked in on everybody who needed checking in on, gave his daughter a much-needed hug and even managed to swing by the little café Kate usually met her father at for their catchups. She had mentioned that Jim liked the coffee there - it was 'simple', none of that 'fancy crap' - so he grabbed two coffees to go.
They, thankfully, were still hot by the time he got back to the hospital. Hot enough that the heat had begun to warm its way through the flimsy cardboard sleeve, burning into his palm. He rushed - as inconspicuously as he could - around the corner and toward Kate's room, knowing that reprieve from the heat was just a few more steps away.
As he stepped through the door, however, the relief he had been expecting was ripped from his grasp as he realised he had unintentionally interrupted a conversation between Jim and Josh.
Castle let out a slight huff; he'd seen more of Josh in the past two days than he ever did while Kate was actually dating him. Although, he was suddenly very grateful to Kate for her initial secrecy when it came to the relationship. He knows, without a doubt, he wouldn't have been able to handle seeing them together, seeing them happy.
Even now, knowing that Kate chose him, Josh's lingering presence bothered him. He knew that didn't bode well for the possibility of having to co-parent with the man, but he could ignore that for now.
Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.
"Sorry, was just bringing you this," Castle explained as he held up the cardboard coffee cup.
He placed it down on the table by the door and began to back out of the room.
"You don't have to leave," Josh said.
"Only two visitors at a time," Castle replied.
He knew that Josh more than likely knew the rules, considering he had worked in this hospital for God knows how long, but the words stumbled from his mouth before he could stop them.
"I'm not a visitor, I'm a doctor," Josh clarified. "I don't count."
Castle racked his brain for another excuse, any excuse, to not have to spend more time than necessary with Josh - especially when that time was spent in an all too confining hospital room - but his mind was blank.
"Right," he said, conceding, and slowly walked into the room.
He picked up Jim's coffee from the table and passed it across to him.
"Josh was just explaining the DNA testing process," Jim explained as he held up an informational brochure.
He moved it toward Castle slightly, an offer for him to read over the information.
"I'm familiar," Castle said when he held his hand out to decline the offer. "Thanks."
He had already read that exact brochure - and a dozen others - while doing his own research. As soon as Kate had said she wanted to get the test done, he spent hours reading through everything he could access on foetal DNA testing.
He had learned that - unlike most mammals - human foetuses share one blood supply with their mother, meaning that enough of the baby's DNA is able to be detected in the mother's blood and tested as early as ten weeks.
At the time, he had thought that little fact was fascinating. Awesome, he had muttered to himself.
But now, knowing that that shared blood supply was keeping Kate weak, he was really beginning to reconsider just how awesome it was.
"Is blood being drawn today?" he asked Josh.
Josh sifted his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes drifted to Jim before settling back on Castle.
"It's not exactly medically necessary," he said. "And she isn't able to consent to it being done."
"Which is where I come in, right?" Jim asked.
Josh turned back to face Jim. "As her listed next of kin, yes, you can make the decision on her behalf."
Castle saw the uncertainty in Jim's eyes when he looked at him.
"If it helps, she had an appointment made for Friday to get the test done. She was sure that she wanted it done," Castle assured Jim.
"It's a simple blood test: non-intrusive," Josh explained. "Kate won't feel a thing and there's no harm to the baby."
Jim nodded. "Okay."
"Thank you," Josh said earnestly to the man. "I'll get it all sorted. Nurses will bring you paperwork to sign and as soon as that is done we can organise for Castle's sample to be taken."
He felt so small and insignificant as he roamed through the corridors of the hospital.
So many people, so many stories.
And while - in his mind, at least - their story seemed almost tragic, he knew that their troubles were just the tip of a tragedy iceberg compared to some of the memories these walls must have held.
Births, illnesses, deaths.
This place had been the epicentre for millions of tragic tales: he was barely a blip on Algos's radar.
He entered the pathology waiting room. It was small compared to the greatness of the rest of the hospital, only offering a few chairs along the wall for those awaiting their tests.
Josh was already there, already seated on the far left chair, hunched over with his elbows digging into his knees. There was a woman on the far right and only three available chairs between them.
Castle considered standing. Far away, on the opposite side of the room, but somehow that felt even more awkward. Reluctantly, he took the middle seat, lowering himself slowly into the uncomfortable plastic bucket they were trying to pass off as a chair. He sat upright, awkwardly tucking his elbows into his side so as to not encroach on anyone's personal space.
The silence of the room was deafening, the nervous tension palpable, unbearable.
He didn't know Josh very well, didn't know if trying to initiate conversation - even an awkward conversation - would be beneficial or not. The last thing he wanted to do was make this situation worse for anyone. But he just couldn't take the silence.
"Do you, uh, do you know how long these things usually take?" he asked.
Josh looked at him like he wasn't quite sure if this was real or not.
Josh sighed and straightened up in the chair. "Um, a standard test usually takes a couple of weeks to get the results back. But I called in a few favours. Should hopefully have results in a few days."
A quiet "thank you" was all Castle could muster.
Just a few more days and they would know for sure.
The day that he had been waiting for, for what felt like an eternity, was suddenly hurtling toward them at an alarming speed.
He got used to the idea of not knowing. As much as he would love indisputable evidence that this child was his, he knew that the odds weren't exactly in his favour... and that terrified him.
"This was all I wanted, you know?"
Josh's voice broke him from his thoughts and he looked over to the man whose focus didn't stray from the wall in front of them.
"For Kate and I to be a family. The white picket fence, a child or two, a puppy... the whole package."
Josh hung his head, shaking it slowly as his hands moved up to cover his face.
"I really thought she was the one." His mirthless laugh hit Castle like a freight train. "So stupid."
This man wasn't the enemy.
"She never meant to hurt you," Castle managed to say despite the uncontrollable quiver in his voice.
Josh nodded and Castle could see he was fighting hard against showing too much emotion. "I know."
It seemed pretty obvious that he wasn't going to just walk away from this if the child was biologically his - not that Castle would have expected him to.
"For what it's worth..." Castle paused, unsure if his next words would help or just make everything worse. "I'm sorry."
He would never be sorry for pursuing Kate: for falling in love, for risking his heart for a chance at a future with her.
But he was incredibly sorry for the role he had played in causing this man so much heartache.
Right now, he had nothing but empathy for Josh. Right now, they both were so close to having everything they wanted, but in the most twisted way.
Josh looked at him. "Yeah, well, for what it's worth-" He inhaled deeply then let it all out in a sharp huff. "I don't blame you."
"You don't?"
"I knew from the start that she was torn, even if she wasn't ready to admit it."
"Richard Castle?" a nurse called from behind the receptionist's desk.
Castle stood. "That's me."
"Thank you so much for your patience," she said with an apologetic smile. "Please, come on through."
Dr Kahn was in Kate's room when Castle returned. He slipped in quietly, not wanting to interrupt.
"We will reassess in the morning."
"Thank you, Doctor," Jim said as he settled down into his armchair.
Castle didn't need context to know that whatever Kahn had just discussed with Jim, it wasn't what either man had been hoping for.
Kahn gave Castle a curt nod as he left the room.
"What was that about?" Castle asked Jim as soon as they were alone.
"They, uh, they began to taper her medication," Jim started to explain. He ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. "They eased her off the anaesthetic to monitor her neurological function but they decided she wasn't ready yet and started her on propofol again."
"Were you here when they did it?"
Jim shook his head. "No, they asked me to leave."
"Were you?" Castle asked as he redirected his attention to Barb.
"I was, yeah."
"What went wrong?" he asked her, his voice strangled by his concern. "They said 24 to 48 hours-"
"Kahn said that she just needs a little more time," Jim reassured him.
"Recovery isn't always linear, Mr Castle," Barb said, cutting him off before he could spiral too far. "Two steps forward, one step back. It's still a step forward."
