Journal 5 - Entry 11
They say revenge is not something worth pursuing, that it only leads to feeling empty, that once you get your revenge it may feel as if it isn't worth it, because it won't undo what has been done.
I disagree. There was a phrase I heard during my brief stay in the World of the Living: "Revenge is a dish best served cold". I thought it was a little silly when I first heard it. I mean, why compare something as negative as revenge to food? However, when I was standing there, watching as my opponent crumbled away into millions of tiny shards of ice, I thought it ironic that that particular phrase was the first thing that came to mind.
During my time in the Royal Palace, I advanced more in my abilities over the course of days than I had in the previous 30 years. (Is this what it's like to be Ichigo?)
It was pure coincidence that I ended up coming face-to-face with my brother's killer, but I guess fate has a funny way of doing things, because this was a chance that I would never pass up. This man, Äs Nödt, was truly a monster, like nothing I had fought before. I had thought no opponent could possibly be worse than Aaroniero Arruruerie, but the Quincy was true to his title as the Fear. If I had fought him before my training I would have been killed in seconds.
However, with my new abilities, and especially my Bankai, I was able to defeat him, and avenge my brother.
It still hurts though. It always seems that I am forever forced to fight for revenge. Revenge for Byakuya, revenge for Kaien, now my life has turned into a pursuit of revenge for the entire Gotei 13, revenge for Captain Ukitake, and, alongside Ichigo, revenge for Ishida.
Maybe a constant pursuit of revenge is just my lot in life. And with this war just starting and seeming to spiral further out of control, it just seems like there are more and more people being added to the list of things to avenge. Maybe that stupid food metaphor was trying to tell me something, what with all my abilities being centered around the cold.
~~~~~ugh now I'm just falling into self pity, damn it. The squad can't have its de-facto captain drowning in negativity. While the 13th hadn't been hit as hard as the 3rd or 11th, we still took heavy casualties, and without Captain Ukitake I was moved up to temporary Captain. We don't have time to do any proper promotions right now. We're continuing our march north through the Rukon Districts. We're resting in the 78th district right now, and are closing in on the Strait of Acheron. Head Captain Kyōraku has stated that the goal is to get to what is left of the fake Karakura, where we fought Aizen and the Espada.
It makes sense, it's completely abandoned, yet large enough and has enough buildings to begin restructuring. We definitely need to, considering Divisions 3, 8, and 11 basically don't exist anymore, and the survivors have just folded into whatever division they can.
The pursuit from the Wandenreich has slowed up recently and we've put some distance between us, in large part to Captain Hirako. I'm not sure of the details, I was just told he used his Bankai, and he hasn't been seen since. He's officially been declared MIA, but I fear the worst. Everyone knows that Captain Hirako's Bankai is one of the rare ones that are forbidden to be used in the Seireitei, so nobody knows exactly what it does. Whatever it did, it put enough space between us and the pursuers that we were able to slow down a bit and move at a more reasonable pace.
During the last Tenteikūra communication we were able to establish with all officers in the Seireitei before total withdrawal was issued, we heard from all the groups that couldn't make it to us. There were many groups that escaped in all different directions. The second largest group, after us, was about a division size group made up of members primarily from the 3rd, 6th, and 10th, being led out of the South Gate by 3rd Division 3rd Seat, Major Tomioka.
We hoped that with the majority of Quincy forces set on pursuing us, that group may be able to slip away. Head Captain Kyōraku was sure that if they managed to make it to the Jerall Mountains to the south, the more difficult terrain would give them the ability to dig in, regroup, and hopefully survive.
On our end, as we moved through the Rukon Districts, especially the outer ones, we weren't exactly met with open arms. Many people openly said we deserved it, which, as someone from this far out, isn't too surprising. On the other hand, as we continued to move, we picked up a lot of refugees, especially from the earlier districts, and a lot of them were wanting to become Shinigami, to help try and take back their homes in the future. We are not exactly in a position to turn them away, but it made an already massive convoy of more than 100,000 even larger.
On another note, when the battle began, the Wandenreich troops did not focus on the academy, because they deemed it a low threat area, luckily that meant that not only did most students survived, but the both the teachers and students were able to bring as many asauchi as they could carry with them. With the loss of the Zero Division, we won't have any way of getting new Asauchi, so they are now a finite resource. It's a grim reality, but if a comrade dies in battle it is vital that their zanpakutō be retrieved ASAP, so that it can be given to a shinigami-in-training. When a shinigami dies their zanpakutō returns to being an asauchi because the zanpakutō spirit dies with the wielder.
We will be continuing the march tomorrow morning, and within the week we should arrive at the coast at the edge of District 80. How we plan to get across, I don't know at the moment, but, for as much as I dislike him, Captain Kurotsuchi has probably developed a way for us to cross. Ideally, once we make it over, the pursuit from the Wandenreich will stop, and we can start to figure out where to go from there.
Ichigo has been in a rough state since the retreat began, he's beating himself up over not being able to kill Yhwach, despite the fact that he injured the Quincy King so badly, that it bought us years of time. There's no one harder on Ichigo than Ichigo, and I don't think there's a single person other than himself that blames him for the defeat. If anything, everyone is grateful to him because he did so much more than anyone else. But that's obviously not something he wants to hear right now. He's also blaming himself for Ishida's death, despite him not even being present in order to have a chance at stopping it. He's placing the weight of every life lost on his own shoulders, and if it keeps up like this, it's going to destroy him.
Everyone is trying their best to support him right now and I think it's helping, but the one who is really keeping him afloat is Orihime. Without her here, I dread to think what he might have done.
I've been spending a lot of time with Renji too. Brother's death affected us both. I think Renji was surprised at himself for how much it affected him. The bond that they had built over the last couple years was an odd one to say the least, but it was strong, and that still hurts to be severed.
It seems like every single person here lost someone in the battle, and while grief was the predominant emotion across the entire convoy, that feeling has slowly been turning into determination. Everyone is finally realizing that there is no going back. Even Ichigo has started getting out of his funk.
You know, not too long after he rescued me from my execution, I asked him why he kept going, no matter the obstacle, to rescue me. I'm not going to rewrite the entire conversation here, but one thing he said really stuck with me. He told me it was something his zanpakutō told him right after he awakened to it.
"Abandon your fear. Look forward. Move forward and never stop. You'll age if you pull back. You'll die if you hesitate."
I feel like this is something that everyone needs to hear right now.
It's getting late, I should probably catch some shut-eye, we'll have another long day of hiking tomorrow, but hopefully we are nearing the end, and we can turn around and look to start fighting again. I'm tired of running, but I know there isn't much more we can do now. I just have to be patient.
After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
.
LT Rukia Kuchiki
13th Division
August 12, 2003
Author's Notes:
No notes this chapter, just hope you have a great day!
