Phoenix:

8.

Monster


2004


Serpente Rojo, Spain


The demons were everywhere. They wiggled and whispered in the dark. They lived in her head, in her heart, in her ears and eyes and bones. She felt their hands. She heard their voices. They touched and tasted her skin.

They skimmed her body with their fingers and their tentacles. They licked her tears. They praised her flesh. She'd be free soon, they promised, she'd be free and risen. She'd be magnificent.

She screamed. She fought. She struggled. They dragged her when she refused to walk. They carried her when she fell. They took her jacket to show her blackened veins to the torchlight. Her face reflected in the dingy mirrors - scared, eyes bloodshot and terrified, face spread with rot.

She wasn't her anymore.

She was a monster.

It was too late.

She was damned.


2005


Massachusetts, USA


Ashley woke with the first rays of light peeking through her window. They graced her face, soothingly, as she opened her eyes to find herself alone. She lay on her side as the slice of sun landed on her nose and eyelid, turning the gold of her eyes molten. She heaved out a breath, watching the sun bleed red as dawn broke.

She'd slept. She'd slept the whole night. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept all night. Her body was alert, her mind rested, and her skin felt somehow her own in a way she hadn't experienced since before the trauma. It was a good feeling.

She rolled over to look at her clock and found it was just shy of 5 a.m. She had to be on-site for the simulations in less than an hour. It gave her just enough time to eat something quick and shower.

She did both, hurrying through the motions, thinking about the night before.

Leon had stayed, as evidenced by his tousled side of the bed, and was likely still close by somewhere - watching her like a hawk, waiting to save her. She didn't like knowing he'd done so more than once. She hated thinking about him surging in like a hero when the dark had nearly taken her last ounce of will.

But it was somehow a cramp in her style and also a massive relief to know he was out there. She needed that support. As determined as she was, she wasn't quite ready to go it alone just yet. Not completely. Not entirely.

Her pride took a hit but her common sense said - good for you, girl, know where your limits are. She tended to agree with that. She was trying to be strong, not stupid. Leaving herself exposed had been pride talking. She didn't want a detail breathing down her neck at every turn, but she appreciated knowing that he was out there anyway.

It was a contradiction and one she wasn't in the mood to explain. Not even to herself.

As she arrived at the field to start the simulation, she found that even Kyle was there. She'd been half convinced he'd flake out after Leon's speech yesterday. Apparently, not. He was there and gearing up with the rest of the recruits.

Ashley started filling a heavy camouflage backpack with the gear on the table when Leon spoke from somewhere in the woods behind them. "Gather only what you need. Remember one of the most important rules of survival - gear is heavy. Carrying too much will weigh you down when you need to move quickly. Wearing too little could cost you your life. Depending on your destination, a majority of what you might need can be found during your mission."

People were stuffing everything they could into their pack. Ashley considered and chose a vest that she strapped on with a knife she strapped to it and a canteen that she attached to her belt. She plunked a ball cap in brown down on her head and pulled her ponytail through the back. She selected a lighter that she poked into her pocket and picked up a wet weather jacket that she slid on over the vest and her shirt. She secured a fanny pack around her belly beneath the coat and poked five protein bars in it. She grabbed a map off the table and stuffed it into her other back pocket.

As she came to stand next to other recruits, Leon stood in front of her and queried, "That it?"

She eyed him and returned, "I can find anything else I need."

His eyes were nearly painfully blue in the morning light, "You positive?"

Ashley held his look and answered solidly, "Yes, sir."

"Good," he returned and moved to the next recruit, "keep that surety out there, rookie."

Kyle came up beside her with a pack filled with gear. He smirked and told her, "You'd be dead in a day of starvation."

She answered calmly, "No, I won't."

"What about wiping your ass when you shit?"

"Leaves."

Kyle arched his brows and laughed, "Classy."

Ashley shrugged a shoulder. She watched Leon check over each recruit without a single thing on his face. No approval. No judgment. He just walked and looked and kept walking. None of them knew if they'd done well or poorly.

But maybe that was the point.

When he finished circling the ten recruits, he told them, "You're going to head through the forest. There are markers laid for distance and paths cut through in areas. Others will require you to rough your way through. You may work together, you may split up, you may leave others behind to promote your best interest."

He stopped by Kyle and eyed the other man, "You can give up and return to this checkpoint if it's too hard."

Kyle snorted and rolled his eyes.

Leon glanced at Ashley and advised, "Your goal is to get to the bridge on the other side of the forest. It will take you into town. You've completed the training when you reach the motel off the main room in town. Stop at the diner, order something to eat, and wait there for my arrival."

Surprised, Sue squeaked, "That it?"

He gave her a steady look, "That's it. Get there. Wait."

Kyle snickered, "Easy. Cake."

Leon gave him a narrow look, "Then you should be the first one there, Lebowski."

Kyle puffed up and declared, "Count on it...sir."

The sir was deliberately given too late. He'd meant it as an insult, Leon simply said, "There's no need for sir. I don't hold rank in the military. You can call me Kennedy. Or Leon. Whatever works for you."

Misty teased, "How about can I call you later?"

Leon chuckled as did the rest of the recruits and returned, "Keep that humor, Treadwell. You'll need it out there."

Kyle scoffed, "Do a lot of laughing on your missions, Kennedy?"

Leon glanced at Ashley as he replied, "Sometimes. Letting things get too professional is just as bad as being too lax, Lebowski. Remember to adjust your mood based on your situation and the needs of your companions. A sense of camaraderie can be a key difference to morale when things seem hopeless."

Ashley gave Leon a half smile as he gestured with his arm and told them, "Get moving. I'll see you at sundown."

Some people took off like it was a race. Some lingered to look at maps. A few formed teams. Misty and Sue gravitated toward Carter and Kyle. Ashley considered and sidestepped to pass by Leon: alone.

As she moved, he queried, "You sure you wanna go at this without backup?"

She glanced at his face and answered, "We both know I'm never really alone."

"You don't think there's safety in numbers?"

She eyed him and shrugged a shoulder, "I think sometimes one guy is all it takes to get the job done."

His mouth twitched. She adjusted the ball cap on her brow and gave him a nod as she headed into the woods. He watched her go and laughed at the pride. But he thought it just might be enough to pull her through when her resolve wavered.

Ashley followed the map as she walked, cutting down a path and coming to a boggy swamp at the base of the path. She had two choices - cross the swamp, or go all the way around the path and lose nearly an hour. She touched a boot to the boggy ground and found it squishy but solid enough.

She started across the swamp using tree stumps like lilypads for a frog. She jumped swiftly, finding her footing as she went. When her ankle rolled on one, Ashley threw out her hands and caught a low-hanging tree branch. She caught it, her legs dangled, and it kept her from falling face-first into the bog. Amused, she swung a little and landed on the far shore.

As she started walking, Misty called from the other side, "How'd you get over there so fast!?"

Without looking at her, Kyle snorted, "Cheated, clearly. I bet Kennedy tossed her over there. Must be nice to be in cahoots with the boss!"

Ashley rolled her eyes and started into the woods as Misty complained, "I'd let him in my cahoots too if I meant I didn't have to be ass deep in a swamp."

Sue answered, "By the end of this, your ass will be a swamp."

Everyone laughed.

Ashley kept moving. She climbed up a high hill, using trees to give her secure perches as she went. She reached a marker that told her she was halfway. So far, she'd had little trouble getting around. Either she was missing something, or she was born to do this.

The thought made her chuckle as she walked.

The trees rustled. She froze, listening. There was a yipping bark that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. A few limbs snapped with a wooden sound

of warning. she whispered, "...no."

And the sound of pursuit was followed by hungry baying hounds

She took flight, running through the woods like a wild woman. Logic was tossed into the wind as fear drove her forward. She tripped, went to one knee, rolled as a wolf dove over her shoulder, and missed taking her head. Simulation? No. Not entirely. The threat was real.

She'd signed the paper that said she understood the personal risk was paramount. She'd agreed. She knew it was possible she would get hurt or killed during training.

She didn't really believe It

She believed it now.

She rolled as another wolf dove for her. It skimmed over her arms as she thrust her boots into its belly and pushed from her back. It flew up, it yelped pathetically, and she was already running before it hit the ground somewhere further away.

She reached one of those paths in the woods. She could run down the path or try to scale the rock wall beside her. The baying hounds made the choice for her before she could do more than consider.

She grabbed the wall and started climbing. The outcroppings were sturdy, but her grip was shaky. She slid once, found purchase, and felt teeth nip at her ankle as she kept on going. Up. Up. Up. It was her only thought as she moved. Foot, hand, grip, propel - up, up, up.

Her arms started shaking after a few minutes, telling her she was woefully out of shape for rock climbing. Ashley used her legs to absorb some of the lift. She broke two nails. She slid again and had to dangle dangerously for a handful of seconds as she found her balance.

Down below, she heard the other recruits running or shooting at the dogs. Had there been a gun on that table? She was betting someone else had taken a couple of them and left none for the others by the time she'd gotten there.

Ashley had to stop climbing when her arms shook so badly she couldn't maintain her weight anymore. She swung to the side and found a perch, hunched on it, watching the rustle of the tree tops beneath her. She had no clue if she'd climbed too high, too far, too west - she was lost on the cliffside. It was pretty sad.

So, she just had to keep going. Stick to your guns, she thought with a nod to herself, it was the best way to survive. Guns. Down below, they went off again, and she gave the finger to whoever had stolen more than one. Selfish pricks, she thought, only thinking of themselves.

She was betting it was Kyle.

And maybe Misty. Both were all about putting their needs first. Ashley turned to the wall and blew out a breath. "Let's do this."

She grabbed for the wall and started up. One aching push and pull at a time, she went higher and higher. Just about the time she thought she was done for, she felt the rock wall give way to landing.

With a small whimper of joy and relief, Ashley climbed over the side and lay flat on the ground, face-first against the dirt. Her arms and legs fell to the sides like she'd splatted on the ground after jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. It was the greatest feeling in the world to know she'd made it.

Even if she was in the middle of nowhere with no idea how to get back on her path, she'd made it up that wall.

Ashley let that small victory pour over her as she rolled to sit up and look out at the view she'd left behind.

The leaves were turning colors for fall. The sky was a bowl of blue over their multicolored tops. The beauty and simplicity of it stole her breath. Her eyes teared as she looked at it and realized, not for the first time since she'd survived, that this - this was what was worth living for. It was this. Beauty. Simplicity. Strength. It was climbing a damn mountain and doing it alone.

It was finding your way without help. It was finding yourself when everything else seemed hopeless. She rose from the ground and let the wind tickle her face as she looked at falcon swoop and call loudly above those metallic trees beneath her. Free.

He was free.

And so was she.

She'd just needed to climb a mountain to remember it.

Ashley glanced at her map and narrowed her eyes. She was shit with maps. It didn't mean very much to her. Her sense of direction was nearly as bad as her ability to rock climb - shaky at best, but just might get the job done. Amused, she started walking in a somewhat easterly direction.

As more trees swallowed her up, Ashley kept on going toward the sounds of civilization. She couldn't be that far. She could hear cars and highway noises. She took three steps through some underbrush and there was a snapping sound.

Alarmed, her eyes turned up as a net surrounded her, made her shout in horror, and snapped closed above her head, jerking her off the ground until she dangled above in a tree like a snack for a bear. Upside down, she dangled, looking at the ground beneath her. Traps. They'd plagued her and Leon in Spain. They plagued the forest now.

Ashley swung in her net, trying to see her left ankle. It was cinched in a good grip of the rope. She pulled her knife and climbed up her legs until she could start cutting at it. Of course, if she did get free, she'd plummet down and splat.

So cutting herself loose was only half the battle here.

She paused cutting and started throwing her body back and forth until she built enough moment to sway. When she was swinging nicely, Ashley gripped a tree branch and steadied herself, looping an arm around the solid limb and using the other to hack at her feet. The knife nicked her skin and she bled, but she'd been worse off shaving her legs.

The rope gave and she dangled from that one arm. Securing herself to the tree, Ashley climbed down and leaped to the ground. She muttered to herself as she started walking again. Her leg was cut. Her hands and knees tore up from climbing. Her back throbbing from where she'd fallen to toss the wolf away. She smelled vaguely of swamp and definitely of sweat.

She was disgusting.

And she'd never felt more alive.

Because she'd managed everything so far on her own.

She slid down an embankment to find Kyle waiting for her. Surprised, she came toward him, "Where's e-"

He lifted a gun at her face.

Ashley froze, eyes flying wide, and he stated, "I went full traitor. You've been betrayed."

Damn.

She blinked. He felt his grin split his face. His eyes were too wide and rolling. His pupils dilated. He was high. On what? He'd taken something and was hopped up and spewing with madness. "What have you done?"

His face shivered under a veil of Jack Krauser. Ashley leashed the flicker of trauma and kept her cool. But it cost her a moment of real fear. She did what Leon had said - she put it away and remembered to focus on the moment and what she could do. She couldn't stop what had happened to her then. She could now. She could stop this fucking asshole.

She could do it.

He wasn't a monster - just a man. A man who had clearly lost his damn mind.

He shrugged, "What needed done. No one said I couldn't. My old man kept harping about Kennedy being a fucking hero. That golden boy douchebag kept getting in my face. So...I decided to prove myself."

Ashley shook her head, "Kyle...this was a simulation. You didn't have to hurt anyone. We could all win."

He laughed harshly, "No. That wasn't an option for me. And they never said I couldn't. They gave us real guns. They put real wolves out to get us. The maze where I left Carter behind? Something got him I think. I heard him screaming as I left him to die."

Jesus.

Ashley held his overly bright eyes and saw that he was slightly manic. He'd lost it. Why? What had happened? How had he passed the psychological testing? He was more than a little nuts.

Ashley urged, "Misty?"

"Oh, she was easy. She can't swim, didn't you know? I shoved her in the swamp."

Ashley said nothing as he added, "Sue went in after her and I let her get caught in overgrowth. She couldn't get out."

Ashley whispered, "Are they dead?"

Kyle shrugged, "Who cares? This way? I'm the winner."

"The goal wasn't to win, Kyle. It was to survive."

"This way, I do that. And nobody said I couldn't kill anyone."

Lord.

He aimed at her face again, "You ready?"

Ashley faked fear as she remarked, "Oh, please, Kyle. Don't hurt me. I like you."

He hesitated and admitted, "I like you too, Ash. I do. But I can't let you win. You're the favorite. I gotta take you out."

She whimpered pathetically, "Please don't! Please, Kyle. Just let me run. I won't tell a soul."

He considered that and inched the gun down as he returned, "I don't know. If I let you go, you'll tell everyone what I did."

"I won't!" Ashley used a whiny scared voice as she inched forward, "I promise! I swear! I'm just a scared girl, Kyle. Let me go. I'll run away and never look back."

His gun inched down more as he decided, "I can't. Sorry, Ash. But you're a risk. I gotta neutralize all risks. That's how I win."

The gun came up, Ashley kicked him in the knee and grabbed the gun barrel at the same time, and Kyle shouted as she shoved it aside. A bullet tore up ground beside her left foot as she elbowed him in the face, spun around, and kneed him in the balls. He went down, roaring, and she whipped him in the face with the gun as he went.

"Damn you!" He grunted as he cradled himself on his hands and knees, "I should have killed you!"

Ashley spat, "You wouldn't be the first to try, you asshole. Guess what? I'm still here."

"You cold bitch, I knew you were fucking frigid. They said you didn't come back from that thing normal."

Ashley shook her head with a harsh laugh, "They were right. I came back better."

She whipped the gun into his temple and he went face down in the leaves with a grunt. She stood over his unconscious body and wanted to kill him. The urge was real. It was there like a darkness in the back of her head. She wanted to kill him.

Like she'd wanted to kill Krauser. Krauser's face kept flashing over Kyle's. Ashley lowered the gun before she shot him. But she'd kept it on his still form for a over a minute. A whole minute where she'd almost finished him off.

Jesus.

Maybe they were all nuts.

Ashley dragged Kyle's still body to a tree and bound him there with his own bootlaces and his arms wrapped around the trunk behind his back. She could keep going. She could go on and get to the diner.

Or she could backtrack and try to see if he'd done the horrible things he'd suggested and left the others to die.

She knew what Leon would do.

She turned back and went to see if there was anyone to save.

Because you didn't leave your teammates to die. You didn't. Not unless you were a monster. And she might not be normal anymore, but she wasn't a monster. No matter how hard they'd tried to make her one.

Sometimes the only thing that separated you from the monsters was what you were fighting for. And what you were willing to do to those who betrayed you. She didn't kill Kyle. She left him alive and secured. It meant she wasn't a monster.

And she wasn't a fool.

She'd be damned if she let herself forget that.

So, she went back to save everyone she could. And reclaimed another piece of herself in the process.