Phoenix:
9:
Free
2004
Serpiente Rojo, Spain
They dragged her down the corridor while she fought. When she struggled too hard, they hit her. Her belly rebelled with a good stomach blow. She wretched, but nothing came up.
They forced her to her knees over a pit that smelled like rotten meat left out in the sun. Her eyes teared at the stench. Her body hurt everywhere, and it burned. Her head kept screaming from pain and with voices.
Voices.
They were in her ears and her eyes, and her spine. She could hear from her eyes. It was insane. It was enough to drive you mad.
The door eased open, and Ashley saw the flash of blonde hair long enough to shout, "LEON! LOOK OUT!"
Too slow. He was too slow. The horrible thing that had taken her landed atop him. It forced him to his face on the floor. It put that bulk on his body and bound him to the cold floor as he grunted, "Ashley! Hold on!"
She was trying.
She was.
But she was almost gone. She could feel the sludge in her veins like poison. It made her shiver as she begged, "Leon...help me...please."
He looked so desperate. He wanted to help. She could see it on him. But he was just one guy. Just one. And he wasn't strong enough. He wasn't. Not to battle monsters. Not to save her.
It was too late for her.
They tilted her head back while she screamed. He roared, "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M GOING TO FUCKING DESTROY YOU!"
God, his shouting. It echoed. It slid into her bones and comforted her. It gave her fight. It gave her hope. She couldn't stop the black from that chalice pouring into her mouth. But she fought it. She struggled. She spit and rejected it.
Salazar mused in his weasel tone, "Stop resisting, sweet girl, stop resisting. You make it worse on yourself. Accept. And become. To the righteous go the spoils. To the true believers come the grace. Let the lambs be led to their shepherd. Let their lord embrace his flock. Embrace, and be free."
Free.
He didn't know the meaning.
One of the cultists grabbed for her, and Ashley shoved at his knees. It sent him to his back on the floor. She scrambled up while Salazar cackled like a bully, and Ashley took flight around the pit toward where that monster held Leon.
His face was horrified as she ran toward them. She didn't hesitate as she belly-tackled one of the cultists and shoved him into the pit. The man screamed in misery before calling for his lord to receive him.
The other hesitated now, afraid. Afraid...of her.
It felt like power to know it.
She grabbed the knife from the floor where the cultist had dropped it. She put it to her throat and faced those that would rush her. "If you come closer, I will slit my own throat! Do you hear me!? Back the fuck off!"
Salazar looked amused in his chair. "This is strength from the lamb. This is dedication. See her become the face of our fight! See her become our righteous right hand!"
Ashley spat, "I'll shove your right hand up your goddamn ass if you touch him or me again! Open those doors! Get out of our way! And leave us alone!"
Bravery- it had a way of helping you pretend you were strong. She would get them free. She would save them both.
She shouted, "Now let him go!"
It was the wrong thing to command.
They threw Leon into the darkness while he roared his revenge, and Ashley screamed her horror. She scrambled to the pit's edge and threw a hand down toward him as if it would stop it. As if it would change anything.
Like she'd catch him before he died.
She tried to leap into the dark after him. She was frozen for a moment in the air before the thing snatched her out of her brave moment and dragged her back to pin her against it. She went limp in its arm as she listened for the sound of Leon dying...and heard the crunch and splat of a body hitting bottom somewhere far below.
Luis was dead.
Leon was dead.
She'd killed one and failed to save the other.
She was trapped. He was dead. It was over. She was finished.
Salazar oozed, "See the futility of your struggle. Accept your path. Follow your lord...and be free."
The rage exploded through the grief and left her shaking with impotence. It had nowhere to go. It couldn't get out of her. It was trapped inside her shell like a poison that infected the hope she clutched so desperately against her chest.
She was a slave to their will and her own rage.
She fell onto her hands and knees on the floor and wept with acceptance.
They had her. They'd won. The good guys? They were rotting in the darkness down below. Evil had taken residence inside of her.
She would never be free again.
2005
Massachusetts
It was nearly ten p.m. before Ashley took a stool at the diner.
The other patrons kept looking at her as they sipped coffee and ate pie. Luckily, being so late, there were only stragglers anyway. But she didn't blame them for staring.
She was filthy. She was splattered in blood. She was torn up and soaked.
Going back for the others hadn't helped locate Carter, but she'd found Sue screaming for help as she tried reviving Misty on the swamp's edge. Ashley had cycled in while they'd done CPR. For eight long minutes, they'd worked to force life back into the girl Kyle had kicked into the water.
When all hope seemed lost, Misty gasped and started vomiting. Sue had started weeping wildly, and Ashley had held the hair back from Misty's face while the girl regurgitated whatever she'd eaten that morning.
Together, Ashley and Sue had gotten Misty up and helped her limp around the swamp. They'd taken her to the first marker for evacuation. Ashley had asked before she rang the bell, "Are you sure?"
Misty had looked up at her, eyes dull and skin pale, "I'm finished. Ring it."
Sue had urged, "Maybe- Maybe you just learn how to swim? I could help you."
Ashley encouraged, "I will teach you."
Misty had shaken her head, "No. Sometimes you know when you're cut out for something. I'm not. This is ridiculous. I can't take on someone Kyle's size. And I can't compete with whatever makes you do something that sinister. I don't want to do this anymore. I thought it sounded cool, ya know? It doesn't. It's bullshit. And I'm not brave enough."
Sue had whimpered, "I can't do this without you."
Misty gave her a sad look, "Then ring that bell with me."
Ashley, discouraged, tried once more, "We can do this. We can. We just gotta work together."
Misty gave her another dull look, "Ash...you got this. You do. You're made for this. But us? We're-"
Sue admitted sadly, "Cowards. We're just cowards. Let us go home."
Ashley shook her head, and Misty had encouraged, "It's ok. Thank you for everything. I mean it. But go. Go on. Save lives, girl. You were born for it."
Sue nodded rapidly, "You are. You're a hero, Ashley. Go break that glass ceiling for us."
Ashley rang the bell. She left them sitting, and she turned and walked away. It was easier than she'd expected. Maybe that came from giving up and just accepting your fate. Maybe you learned to walk away.
No.
She denied that even as she moved. You never walked away. You just knew when the fight was a loss. She couldn't make them want it, and she couldn't force them to stay at her side. She could just hope they found happiness doing something else.
When she passed by the tree where she'd left Kyle, he was gone. A roll of anger had her pulling the gun from her back. She checked it like she'd been taught and chambered a round.
If he tried to kill her again, she'd finish him - simulation or not. It was him or her. The acceptance of that helped bolster her resolve.
Sitting at the counter, Ashley ordered a cup of coffee. The pretty waitress eyed her and remarked, "Honey, you need me to call the cops?"
Ashley laughed lightly, "No. I'm fine. But thank you. Just been a long day."
No one else but her was in the diner. Where were the rest of the recruits? Dead maybe. Or gave up. Was she the last man standing? Maybe they'd come and gone. She was hours late, after all.
She drank her coffee. When it was clear no one was coming to find her, she rose, paid her check, and headed out into the rain. The cold water hit her face and made her breathe easier as she limped toward the bus stop.
From Presidential offspring escorted in a town car to filthy mess riding the city bus. It was a far fall from greatness. She couldn't help but laugh as she reached the bench and started to sit.
A red dot landed shakily on her leg, and she dove for the ground instead. A bullet ripped into the bench where she'd been as she rolled to her back, ripping the gun from her back as she went. Kyle shouted, "Next time, you better kill me b-"
And she fired toward the sound of his voice. The bullet hit the glass wall of the bus stop and shattered in a burst of musical tinkling. Kyle shouted in horror and ducked behind some trashcans.
Ashley scrambled up and used the concrete bench as cover as he roared, "Cunt!"
He sure had a filthy mouth for a legacy kid. Ashley hunkered down as he taunted, "You're dry, Ashley! You stupid girl! I'm gonna kill you and then kill that stupid Kennedy, too! Then I'll show everyone how tough I am!"
She was out of bullets. She saw the empty slide on her gun and tossed the gun away, holding her position. She drew the knife from her chest and breathed, finding her center.
The red dot appeared inches to the left of her nose. Ashley hunkered lower and then decided - fuck it, and pushed up with a cry of battle. Kyle's gun went off, and he staggered in pain as she raced at him. His bullet was lost in the wind somewhere.
She was tired of hiding.
And she'd be damned if she sat there while this asshole killed her and went after Leon.
Logically, she knew that didn't make sense. There was no way this crazy prick would ever kill Leon. He was too chaotic to ever be good enough. But her logic took a back seat to good old fashioned not giving a fuck as she finally got sick of letting crazy assholes threaten her life and those she cared about.
It was stupid. It was beyond ridiculous. It wasn't the training. It was sheer rage. Leon had told her to let go of that. But she used it instead. It made her tackle the big guy who actually tried to run.
She caught Kyle in the back as his gun clicked empty and took them both to the ground in a roar of survival.
Her head swam with images of monsters and Jack Krauser beneath her as she rolled him to his back and brought that knife up over her for a killing blow. He screamed like a girl, his face wavered back to a terrified asshole, and her arms trembled. It wasn't Krauser. This wasn't Spain.
She wasn't trapped anymore.
She wasn't dying.
She wasn't helpless.
And she wasn't a monster. She wasn't. Kyle squealed, "Don't! Please!"
"What are you on, Kyle!?" Her shout made him weep like a scolded child, "What did you take!?"
Kyle wheedled madly, "I had to! I had to! I had to do it! I wanted you to do it too, Ashley, remember? Remember?"
She'd suspected he was using something on the side. He was too amped up during practice for sheer adrenaline. But she couldn't prove it. None of them could. And they didn't want to bring it to their attention and look petty if it wasn't true.
But the truth was here, staring her in the face. It was in his slobbering mental breakdown and wild weeping. How had he made it into the program!? There were a dozen tests you took before they even opened the door.
Someone out there had more power than she wanted to think if they'd pushed him in with failed testing behind him.
Ashley growled, "You pathetic coward! You left them all to die!"
He whined, crying manically now, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I had to! I had to!" He snotted, looking insane, and begged, "I had to! I have to win! I don't care who dies, when I do. I'm sorry!"
He was such a mess. He didn't know what the hell he was saying. He was sorry, he wasn't sorry- he was insane. He'd snapped. He needed put down like a rabid dog. There was no saving him.
She looked at him beneath her and saw the ugly face of Jack Krauser staring back at her.
Ashley declared, "You disgusting monster!"
She brought the knife down, and a gun went off. The blade was blasted from her hands like something from a video game, and it spun off into the darkness as Leon emerged from the storm, looking cold and calm. He commanded, "Enough."
Kyle cried pathetically on the ground. Ashley shouted, "He left them all to die!"
Her voice trumpeted through the rain in manic desperation, "You don't leave people behind to die, Leon! You don't leave them!"
His chest rolled with sympathy. Everything about her cried out for understanding. He lowered his gun and holstered it as he demanded, "Leave him, Ashley. Let it go."
Let it go.
He didn't understand. She didn't know how. She put her hands around Kyle's throat and threatened, "He will kill me if I don't do this! He will find me again and kill me, Leon! I...I could choke him to death."
Kyle blubbered defeatedly on the ground. Leon held her eyes in the rain and returned, "You won't. He's done. You've defeated him. It's over. It's done."
Ashley shouted, "It's never over! Don't you get it!? It's never over for me!"
Oh, baby, he thought with a boil of understanding; he'd never felt anything more thoroughly than that single cry of desperation. There was no one else in the world who understood it better. He put a hand down to her and stated coolly, "Come with me. It's over."
Ashley's hands trembled around Kyle's throat, "...I have to finish it..." she whispered, "I can't be afraid anymore."
He nodded, eyes calm and face gentle, "I know. Come with me. I'll help you."
She believed him.
She put her hand in his and let him lift her off the man she straddled.
Another set of agents came out of the rain behind Leon and moved forward as Leon told them, "Take Lebowski back for debriefing."
The rain closed around the retreating people. Leon left someone to handle the mess with the diner and the rest. He put her into the passenger seat of a car and got behind the wheel.
Time glitched out on her as he drove through the rain. She lost moments. She lost minutes. Trauma closed around like a fanged mouth and started sucking at her sanity.
He drove for so long that she finally started shaking like she had hypothermia. Ashley caved in on herself, huddling around her shaking body in the car. Teeth chattering, she begged, "...make it stop...make it stop...make it stop..."
He commanded quietly, "Breathe. Breathe slowly."
Her breath hitched, "I can't. I can't. I almost killed him. What the hell is wrong with me? Who am I!?"
Leon whipped the car to the side of the road. He shoved it into park and turned in his seat. He caught her hand and laid it flat against his chest. The touch had her eyes whipping to his face as he told her, "You're a survivor. A survivor, Ashley. You're alive. And you're still you."
She gasped as she demanded brokenly, "Am I!? I don't feel like me, Leon. I feel like a ghost. I feel like a shadow. I don't know what the hell I am. But I'm not me. I'm not me anymore."
She volleyed her eyes over his face and confessed, "They poisoned me. They ruined me. They didn't kill me...but I'm still dead. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it."
Steadfast and determined, he demanded, "What did I tell you to do? What did I say?"
She whispered, "Take it back."
"Yeah," he laid his palm over hers on his chest, "Take it back, Ashley. Right now. You're still you. I can't help you figure out who that is. But it's something stronger, better, faster - and more than you were before. You can't rip out what's inside you - but you can decide, right now, to stop it from taking more of you. Take back the pieces they stole and make something you can live with."
Ashley breathed, "I don't know how."
He encouraged, "Quit. Quit this. Go out and there and get a life. Have kids. Get married. Move on. It's ok. It's ok to do it. You don't have to keep fighting."
Insulted, she spat, "I will never give up."
Leon shook his head, "It's not giving up...it's giving in. Give in. And get your life back."
Holding his eyes, she demanded, "Tell me how. How? How do I just give in?"
"Walk away. And never, ever look back."
But he was back. He was back there. He was behind her. He was in front of her. He was. And Luis was. Luis, who'd been her friend. Luis, who'd died because of her.
Luis, who'd died doing the right thing.
She wouldn't honor his memory by walking away.
She couldn't.
She wasn't made that way.
Leaving it all behind meant saying goodbye to more than the horror. It meant saying goodbye to the people who'd fought beside her. It meant letting go of the strength she'd found in the heart of despair. It meant pretending she hadn't become someone else beside them.
She would never forget them. She would never forget what she'd gained because of what she lost. She would never, ever run again. She swore it, and she meant it. No matter how bad it got, she'd believed in herself when she'd said it.
She wasn't ever going to walk away.
There was a dark desire in her now - one that came from knowing the fight had infected her nearly as well as the parasite. It was a toxin invading her central nervous system as she railed against it. It was a hunger - and she was starving. She'd become something more than a girl with a legacy; she was a woman with a choice.
And she chose to fight.
Because fighting gave her freedom in a way she'd thought she'd lost.
So, she looked into his face in the rain-lit dark and declared, "I will never walk away from you. We don't leave each other behind, Leon. That's not who we are."
There was a flash of respect on his face. He shook his head and decided, "Damnit, Ashley. That mindset will get you killed."
She shook her head, "Not today. Not when you're with me. Because you won't let that happen."
His eyes looked like silver in the moonlight - molten and hot. "I can't protect you forever."
Her lips curled, "No. But we can protect each other."
Take it back, he said; take back the pieces of yourself.
She looked into his face and confessed, "You're part of me now. You're part of me. Whatever that means, I won't let you down. I will do this, and I will finish it. Because you made me realize..."
As she trailed off, he breathed, "...what?"
"That the only way you fail is if you give up," she nodded and breathed slowly, "I won't let you down."
Softly, he determined, "...don't do this for me, Ashley. Don't. I'm not worth it."
With a small snap of anger, she told him, "You stupid man. The only reason I exist is because of you. You're not worthless, Leon...you're priceless. Stop being so fucking stupid and accept it."
In the warmth of the car, while the world stormed around them, he demanded, "What do you want from me, Ashley?"
And she answered, "Don't give up on me. Don't ever give up."
With feeling in every syllable, he told her, "I won't. Ever. Trust me."
She simply returned, "I do. I always have. Help me, Leon. And I will show you what we're both worth."
His right hand slid up. It laid itself against her chest to mirror her hand on his. Two people in a dark car feeling the beat of each other's desperate hearts. Her pulse matched the sharp tattoo of his. It sped up, sent blood through her body to remind her she was alive, and it felt like adrenaline surging to wake her up after being asleep for far too long.
The cocoon of the car felt almost surreal. It made it seem like time was eternal, and they had nothing but each other waiting beyond the swirling warmth. They didn't look away. They held eyes and kept those hands on each other -feeling each other and feeling, she was sure, alive.
When his phone beeped, he released her. Ashley tumbled back in her seat, head spinning, feeling like herself again. Lust and longing boiled in her bones and made her feel immortal. It burned away the residual effects of terror and trauma like fire-eating dried wood. For this moment, this one moment, she was free of anything but that fire.
He answered his phone with a gruff tone as he started driving again. She curled in the seat and looked out the window, watching the world slide by. She knew it was her father on the phone. She heard Leon answer questions with a soldier's concise remarks.
When he ended the call, he filled the silence, "I shouldn't have done that."
Ashley said nothing.
He waited, but she didn't speak. So, he did again, "I gotta stop taking advantage of you."
She laughed now, and it was sheer amusement. "You are the stupidest genius I've ever met."
Surprised, he glanced at her in the dark, "Excuse me?"
His insulted tone had her grinning, "Damnit, Leon, just let it be what it was - what we both needed. Stop acting like you besmirched my honor or deflowered me. I'm good. I'm great. For about fifteen seconds there, I was just a woman who wanted a man. Don't make it more than it was."
He was quiet.
She waited for him to answer, but he didn't.
That was fine. He'd likely beat himself up for it like he had that first night he'd touched her. He was a guy who liked to brood and make himself the bad guy for some reason. He'd likely see himself as using her or something stupid.
But he'd saved her. He kept saving her. Simply by existing, he saved her. Because he could wash his hands of her, but he wouldn't. He kept on pushing her to keep going, and he kept on pulling her along.
And when he touched her - it felt like fire in her fucking blood.
She felt like a woman near him. And she'd forgotten how wonderful that was. No one else in the world would understand her as he did. He didn't see broken - he saw wounded and offered her a way to fix it. He was offering her a hand up, and he was offering her a needle to stitch the gaping hole closed.
And she wasn't stupid either. He wanted her. Like a man wanted a woman, he wanted her. His hands had trembled to touch her. That small, telling sign meant almost as much as his immediate back pedal afterward. He didn't like that he wanted her. But that was ok. That was fine.
That was just his professional nature, throwing up red flags about it. He'd get over it. He'd come around.
She had no doubt he'd lower those shields and let her in.
They needed each other.
And she'd found the thing that grounded her in him. Wanting him, feeling this way about him, it felt good. It felt human. It felt real.
It felt like Ashley Graham.
It was the first time a crush had saved someone.
And she was ok if it never became anything more than that. Because wanting him felt like living. And she was finally happy to be alive.
The woman in her...was finally free.
