Set after 2x07 "Clawback". Nikita apologizes to Michael.
"I'm sorry. Instead of asking what you wanted, I made a decision without you. That was wrong. I know that you can handle yourself in the field even while injured. And especially when you have a son to live for. I should've trusted you. You're my partner. We do things together. I'm sorry," Nikita appeared in the doorway, fidgeting with the ends of her hair.
She had given Michael some space since he had stormed away from her. He had moved to another room to cool off and clear his head. When Nikita eventually joined him, she saw that he had also cleaned some of their equipment. He was keeping himself busy as he dealt with what happened; he wasn't stewing in anger. That was a good sign.
Possibly.
Maybe.
Nikita really hoped it was. Because while Michael seemingly kept his mind distracted by small tasks, she had paced the abandoned building for what felt like hours. She couldn't stop thinking about what he had said to her. She couldn't stop thinking about the way his voice cracked, and how his eyes glistened with tears. She had been so wrong. So very, very wrong. And she had to make it right.
Her apology had to be thoughtful, remorseful, and one hundred percent sincere. Which it was. It absolutely was. But it didn't cause the reaction she thought it would.
"Why do you always insist that my life is more important than yours?" Upon hearing her apology, Michael stopped what he was doing to regard Nikita. He gave her his full attention, yet she wasn't sure if she liked that or not. There was a look in his eyes that she couldn't recognize. She could usually tell what he was thinking by the way he looked at her- or not looked at her. But there was something else in his gaze that had her feeling uncertain. Hurt, anger, and something else were brewing in those dark evergreen eyes. It gave her pause. What had her choice done to him. What had it done to them.
"I love you," It was the lamest thing Nikita could say in response to Michael's question. Those three words were her excuse when she had drugged him and ran off on a dangerous revenge mission without him. It was a miracle that he had managed to catch up to her in time. Had he not provided snipper support from across the street, Nikita wouldn't have been able to escape Division and Oversight. Michael saved her life again- despite all her efforts to save him.
All Nikita wanted was to keep Michael safe. He was injured. He had a son. He was everything to her. Nikita needed him alive.
She wasn't able to save Ryan. And she wasn't able to help Alex. But Nikita could keep Michael safe. She had to keep him with her.
Despite her best efforts, however, Nikita's decision caused Michael to slip away. Maybe that was the something else in his eyes that she couldn't place. He had warned her that if she ever acted like that again, he'd leave her. It wasn't an empty threat. She had hurt him so much by drugging and leaving him. She apologized, and she meant it. But that might not be enough. It didn't seem as though it was enough. Michael continued to regard Nikita with that unrecognizable look in his eyes.
"I know. But do you know that I love you?" When Michael finally replied, he didn't move any closer to Nikita. He didn't pull away from her either. He just stood his ground and stared Nikita in the eyes.
She didn't know what to do with his lack of movement. Or with his question. She remained in the doorway, pulling on the ends of her loose hair and trying not to run from Michael's intense gaze, "Of course I do."
"You don't know how much you mean to me, or how I'd feel if I lost you," Instantly, Michael snapped. His emotionless, reserved tone disappeared as he repeated what he had accused her of earlier. It almost seemed like the tears were back in his eyes, scratching his throat and tightening his words. The fact that Nikita didn't know what she meant to him wounded him. After all they had been through together, she still had her doubts about what he thought of her.
And that was all on her. Nikita knew that. It was her fault she didn't know how Michael felt about her. He told her he loved her. He showed her he loved her. He loved her in ways she didn't think was even possible. No one else loved her- the real her- like he did. Yet, despite all that, Nikita was surprised to see the tears in his eyes when he had mentioned losing her. She never thought Michael would cry over her. She never thought she had affected him that much.
Again, it was all her fault for thinking that. Michael had done everything he could to communicate to her how much he loved her. Nikita just wouldn't accept it. She wouldn't think of herself in any other way. Michael wasn't to blame for everything that happened. Just Nikita was. It was all on her.
Nikita never responded to Michael's statement aloud, however. She just averted her gaze and shuffled her feet. She expected to hear a sigh as a result. Instead, only weighted silence followed. Nikita glanced cautiously up at Michael, afraid to know what he was thinking. She still couldn't read his thoughts. Either he was completely closed off to her, or she was missing something important.
"The overwhelming feeling you felt- the one that made you act without thinking- at just the idea of me in danger, I feel that as well. When I woke up and you were gone, I thought it was too late. I thought you were gone forever, and I couldn't breathe. So those intense emotions you feel that are just so much that they're scary and you don't know what to do with them, I feel it too. I'm overwhelmed by them too. But I still stop to think," The sound of tears continued to be present in Michael's voice, but his words were the clearest they had ever been. He wouldn't allow himself to be misconstrued. Nikita needed to understand.
Letting his words sink in, Nikita did understand what Michael was getting at. She knew what he meant, and she knew she had screwed up even more. No amount of times she could apologize would make up for drugging him and leaving him to rush into danger. But she could try, however. She could try to express her guilt and change her actions, "I'm sorry."
"Why do I have to live without you, but you can't live without me?" Michael finally moved towards Nikita. Hurt, anger, and fear were all expressed in his gaze. Once again, the thought of losing her had him weak and terrified. He couldn't survive the idea of it. So how could Nikita have expected him to survive the reality.
Except, she didn't. Nikita hadn't thought of her actions like that. She was only protecting Michael. It was only about him, not her. Her life wasn't the one that needed to be saved, "What?"
"You forced me to stay because you can't stand the thought of losing me. I'm too important to you and to my son. But if I'm so important, then how come you were going to make me live without you? I'm too important to die, but not to go through heartbreak? Not to die along with you? If I'm truly your partner, then we do everything together. Everything. The good and the bad," Continuing to stalk towards Nikita, Michael spoke sternly. Although he wasn't yelling in anger, the heavy emotion in his voice couldn't be ignored. He couldn't lose her just as much as she couldn't lose him. They were partners in that regard as well.
"You could… I'm not…" Stammering, Nikita attempted to say something- anything- that would answer Michael's questions. She had an excuse. Except, she knew he'd fight her about it. Anything she would say, he'd rebuttal. She had nothing to defend herself with because her actions weren't defensible. She screwed up. She had to pay the consequences.
"You're not what?" Michael wondered gently, at first. He noted the conflict on her features and became concerned.
However, the instant he realized what Nikita was trying to say, he grew irritated. After everything, how could she still think the worst. How could she still fight him. What exactly wasn't getting through to her, "Don't you dare say you're not important. Don't you dare think that you don't mean the world to me."
Nikita captured the words in her throat before they could be released. Michael was right, and she knew it. She couldn't say anything against the feelings he had for her. She couldn't fight his heart. She could continue to express how sorry she was, however. She was learning more and more about her mistake. And she was more and more determined to never pull a stunt like that again, "I was selfish. I'm sorry."
"I love you. So let me stay with you, fight with you, live with you. If I can't die, then you can't die," Michael spoke softly. He closed the gap between him and Nikita and placed a gentle hand on her cheek. Her brown eyes bore right into his green.
The anger in his gaze was gone. But the hurt and fear remained. The something else was also mixed in there, but Nikita thought she had that figured out by then. Michael loved her with all his heart, which gave him both his greatest joy and greatest pain. Loving her wasn't easy. But he still chose to stay by her side- as long as she stayed by his.
"I'm sorry," Barely above a whisper, Nikita admitted one last time.
"I know," Michael nodded and pulled her into a steady embrace.
That wasn't the end of the couple's discussion on the matter. Nikita's dangerous stunt and Michael's hurtful ultimatum still hung in the air between them. Apologies and a hug wouldn't fix everything. They had to finish the serious conversation they had begun. Both sides had to be made clear, and an understanding had to be reached. After that, the making up process could start. The couple could mend their relationship together and continue moving forward.
Until they could continue talking, however, Nikita and Michael just hugged one another. They hugged until they could barely stand on their own two feet any longer.
