Phoenix:
14.
Faith
Ashley Graham had grown up a girl in the protective shadow of a powerful man.
Even young, she'd heard people whisper about her father's ambition and natural appeal to the masses. She'd heard "one day he'll be a man people will yearn to follow" and comparisons between him and Ronald Reagan. Apparently, her father had a natural affinity to make people believe in him.
He'd instilled faith in her before she'd known to question it.
God had been a part of her life for as long as she could remember.
Catholic School growing up had been an experience. Nuns with rulers whacking your knuckles while you recited passages from the bible and pretended to care. But Ashley had cared. She'd believed. She'd carried her cross around her neck with a devout Christian's unwavering faith.
She'd promised herself she'd save her body for marriage. She'd meant it. Her father had wavered only once in his dedication to the Lord - the death of her brother. He'd been so quiet in those days, often staring out windows and looking pensive. The little girl she'd been had been extra attentive to him to make up the deficit. But then her mother had died, and he'd been beyond bereft.
Each time he lost someone, her father retreated more from the faith he'd professed to follow so closely. She started to lose faith in him each time he turned his back on her to nurse his misery.
And each time he'd wavered, Ashley clung harder to it to make up the loss as if God might punish them for questioning his words if she didn't.
She'd been convinced she might marry Micah to prove her devotion. He was a fitting choice. A good boy from a good family with all the same beliefs. They'd have been a golden couple in the eyes of the public her father was trying to appease.
She'd wanted to kiss him to feel that rush she'd long since lost in church when she was on her knees looking for guidance.
She hit her knees again when she'd been taken. She'd knelt in that church bereft of the lord's touch and begged, pleaded, and yearned for his voice to whisper to her, for his will to strengthen her, for his words to move her. She prayed until her knees ached and her heart echoed it.
She cried out for his grace. She begged for his help.
And there was no answer.
God abandoned her in a dirty church in the middle of a lost village.
She'd lost faith in anything as she lay on her side in the dirty dark. She'd forgotten how it felt to believe. She'd forgotten anything but despair.
And there was no God there to comfort her.
2004
Serpiente Rojo, Spain
She dived forward. The air rushed passed her in almost slow motion. The world slowed down - a crawl, a creep, a continuous curl of retarded time. Before the pain began, everything was frozen for one simple, sheer, shining moment.
The shock rod hit. It landed against her shoulder and neck. It burned, and it stank. The stench of flesh and electricity was like nothing she'd ever known. The searing roar of fire went from skin to soul. Ashley screamed, and it was loud; it was horrible; it echoed down the corridor while Leon's shout of rage echoed it.
But it had saved him a shot to the back that would have severely hurt him and possibly cost them both their lives.
She was tired of the bad guys hitting them from behind. She was tired of losing to those who had no rules. The bad guys didn't give a shit about honor or faith, or freedom. They just wanted him dead.
She was tired of them wanting him dead.
But the pain was worse than she'd anticipated it. It threw her against the wall even as the knife came up in her unhindered hand and drove into the jaw of her attacker beneath his gas mask. It sunk hilt deep, and the body careened against hers. It took them both to the floor with the shock rod skidding away to lie beside her twitching hand as her body jerked, jerked, jerked...and finally fell still.
In muddled Spanish, the others began to pace about with worry. They'd hurt her. They'd hurt her, and that wasn't their purpose. Their purpose, like Leon's, was to keep her alive. They hadn't anticipated she'd throw herself in his way to save him.
As they hesitated, Leon turned on them. He picked up the shock rod, which sparked, sizzling angrily as she stepped over her on the floor and declared, "Take her...if you can."
They came for him. They were fast.
He was faster.
He whipped the rod and kicked. He spun away and danced. Fluid, his fighting, and nearly breathtaking with its speed. He broke necks. He snapped bones. He severed limbs with the knife he wielded like a great warrior with a sword in combat.
When she could move, Ashley crawled toward the console behind her. She gripped for drawers and yanked, showing the contents. She grabbed for bullets and fisted the shotgun left negligently on the floor by the console. She stuffed in shells and rose.
And she mimicked every video she'd ever seen on using it.
She lifted the weapon. One dove for Leon, and she fired. The damn thing hit easily, and the chest and shoulder with part of the head exploded in a macabre burst of bones and blood. Things too thick to be less than brains splattered the wall to the right of the body as it flew across the floor and was still.
And the gun set Ashley onto her ass against the console. She went deaf in her left ear. Her shoulder ached from the shock rod and the butt of the gun striking.
Dizzy, Ashley tried to get to her feet as Leon snapped the neck of the last attacker and turned to her.
He spoke, but his words were hollow, coming from a mouth that moved, but no sound emerged. She lowered the gun, and he jerked it from her hands to send her staggering as he gripped her arms and lifted her from the console, shoving her against the wall. Ashley trembled as his voice broke through the ringing in her ears in waves, "-dispensable, Ashley! Do you hear me!?"
Softly, she whispered, "You're not. I'm not. We're not, Leon. We're not dispensable."
He gripped her dirty face and held it up to him as he demanded, "You aren't. You aren't dispensable. But I am. You can't jump in my way. You can't."
He sounded so scared under the rolling anger. He sounded so terrified. She responded to it maternally and breathed, "I'm sorry. I am. But I can't just stand there, Leon. I can't. It's not how this works. We're a team."
He scooped her hair back from her face to see it clearly. He shook his head. His voice was gruff, "You gotta know where the limits are, Ashley. You are the mission. You are the reason. You gotta trust me to see it through. Ask god for guidance or patience. Pray for strength. Do what you gotta do here, but you gotta have faith that we will get through this. And you can't risk yourself for me - ever. Do you hear me!? Not ever."
Ashley held his eyes and answered, "I do. I have faith...in you."
Her voice wavered as she added, "And you gotta do the same for me."
Without flinching, he returned, "I do. I know you can do this. I will get you there. I will get you home...I swear it."
Sometimes it was a matter of what you believed in. She couldn't believe in god, not anymore. Not since the moment she'd awoken to find herself a prisoner. But she believed in Leon.
And she didn't feel bad lying to him to spare his concern either.
She'd keep on trying to save him. It was what she'd sworn to herself the first time he'd taken a hit to protect her. She'd do the same. She didn't have faith in much...but she had faith in that.
They'd save each other.
Whether he liked it or not.
He stood guard over her as her body recovered from the trauma it had taken defending him. Like a sentry, he kept protecting her. She could do no less for him.
As he covered her and let her strength return, he promised, "Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere."
From the chair, head bent, hands shaking, Ashley urged, "You promise?"
He'd met her eyes and returned, "I promise."
"If you die on me, I'll kill you."
His eyes flickered as he reiterated, "I'm not going anywhere."
And he never had.
2005
The long climb was more challenging in the cold air, and it stole her breath as she moved. She reached the top of the canyon and stopped, admiring the view. Her arms hummed with fatigue but the view? Worth every ache.
She pulled the water bottle off her hip and took a swallow, surveying her surroundings. The cold clear air went into her lungs and almost burned. Light snow littered the ground, forgetting it wasn't yet winter in the Northeast, suggesting what that season might bring shortly. Mother Nature was clear - she would give them a glimpse into what waited after the leaves finished falling.
The trees rustled as Ashley turned to consider the way down from the mountain. Leon emerged from the myriad of gold and burnt orange, wearing a sock hat and a heavy jacket in army green. He crossed toward her while she waited, eyeing him.
Casually, Ashley remarked, "Fancy meeting you here."
"Is it?" He queried and joined her to look over the valley below, "I'm your shadow."
"Then apparently, I got fat."
Her teasing drew his gaze to her face. His eyes sparkled as he commented, "Did you? I'd have to check under all that gear to be sure."
She turned toward him. He echoed it, facing her with a cock to his head that spoke of arrogance and understanding. She was betting he knew what she was thinking. She was nearly positive he was thinking the same.
As she'd been climbing, she'd known he was following. She'd known, without even looking down, that he was there. He would catch her if she fell. He'd break her fall and land beneath her like a cushion if she needed. She didn't have faith in much.
But she had faith in him.
That had stayed the same since Spain.
It got stronger with each moment she stood beside him.
And being around him reminded her there were still plenty of things in the world worth believing in.
The rush of respect mingled with nearly cloying lust as she allowed herself to get closer to him. Her hand slid against his jacket. Her eyes roved his face as she murmured, "It's a little cold for a full body inspection, Agent Kennedy."
"Is it?" He tilted his head. His right hand slid to grip her arm above the elbow. "I bet I know a way to warm you up."
Her cheeks flushed. Her eyes dilated. She licked her lips and practically cooed, "...oh, yeah?"
And he answered gruffly, "Oh...yeah."
She closed her eyes. She waited for his kiss.
And he smooshed a snowball right in her kisser.
The cold made her shriek as he laughed. His laughter echoed down the valley. It made her warm. It made her feel wonderful as she opened her eyes among the remnants of wintry mess and declared, "...oh...you're a dead man."
He backed up. She watched him go, delighting in how carefree he seemed. Somewhere, he'd let go of the man on the mission to let in the man with the woman. He glanced behind him and back at her as he challenged, "Gotta catch me first, Graham."
And Ashley bragged, "Game on...fatso."
He laughed. He ran.
He was fucking fast.
She gave chase, rushing through the woods, using the skills he'd taught her to track him. When she paused, a snowball smacked her back, side, or face. He was a goddamn ninja in the woods or something.
She caught a flash of movement and launched a snowball. She heard it hit and his grunt and shouted, "Yeah! You like that, baby? There's more where that came from!"
His laughter made her feel young again.
As they emerged into a clearing, Ashley lost her cover. She hesitated and then raced across it toward him. He ran on, leading her, she had no doubt, toward death. But worth it.
It was worth it.
As she hit the edge of the clearing, he spun back and bombarded her with snowballs. They hit like icy spears. Boom. Boom. She took each hit and roared with battle.
Laughing, he let her tackle him.
As he skidded, he jerked her up and swung her around his front. Her back hit the tree to their side, and she gasped as his mouth arrowed to hers and settled. The kiss was cold, the skin aching for warmth, even as the inside of their mouths were fire and heat. As she melted against him, he lost sight of the game enough that he didn't see it coming as she dumped the snowball down his back and had him dropping her to her feet to shout with affront.
Ashley giggled, ran for it, and felt him coming behind her.
She cut left, skidded down an embankment, and waited. As he came to the rise above her, she hit him in the chest with more snowballs. Laughing, finding cover, he called, "That all you got?"
Ashley shouted back, "Come and find out, tough guy!"
And down the embankment, he came.
He slid, took the snowballs she launched like it was nothing, and caught her as she laughed and swung her up around his front again. She looped her legs, and she looped her arms.
He pressed her into another tree and kissed her.
And there was no laughter now.
The cold snow touched their fevered skin as they tried to get closer. His mouth ate over her throat, sucking skin and wet, angling into the neck of her tight jacket. His hands were on the zipper and inside. His hands were over her breasts and the sweater beneath, molding and making love to her mouth as he touched her.
His phone buzzed in his pocket as Ashley gripped his butt in her hands to bring her closer. She rolled her hips, trying to feel more of him before he let go of her and backed off, cursing and gripping his phone from his pocket.
He answered it, voice gruff, and Ashley righted her coat, zipping it closed.
When he closed the phone, she met his eyes, and he told her, "They've got you down for night vision goggle training."
Flushed, breathless, Ashley nodded, "Alright."
As she shifted, the neck of her shirt shifted and showed the hickeys left by him. He froze. He shook his head. Softly, he cursed, "Damnit...I've marked you."
She flushed bright red. Her voice was high as she answered, "...I like that."
And she watched the echo of it on his face.
Breathing unevenly, Ashley whispered, "...I have them on my breasts too. You want to see?"
Quietly, he demanded, "You need to be careful here, Ashley."
She tilted her head as he added, "I know what you think you want. I do. But it's not as simple as it might have been."
She inquired softly, "No? Why?"
"I'm your trainer," Leon blew out a breath, "And you're a virgin."
Her quiet laughter had him narrowing his eyes as Ashley answered, "So?"
"It matters," he demanded and had her eyes twinkling as he snapped, "It matters. Ok? Don't you want to give yourself to a boy who deserves you?"
Eyes still bright, she told him, "I don't need you to tell me what I want, Leon. I know what I want."
Face flushed, eyes gentle, he returned, "You think you do. You think you know me - but you don't. Not really. I'm not who you think."
Quietly, Ashley denied, "You don't know what I think. And you don't know what I feel. But I can tell you this - what you are? It's exactly what I want."
"Why?"
She gave him a sad look. "Because being with you...it makes me feel."
"...feel what?"
"Everything." She gave him a gushing look as she confessed, "Everything. From head to heart to whatever comes next, I don't know who I am, Leon. Not really. But I know who you are. And you will never hurt me."
Touched by her faith, he answered gruffly, "I don't deserve that belief, Ashley. I don't."
"You've earned it," Ashley demanded angrily, "You've earned it. And it's how I feel. I can't make you feel it for me, too. I'm not a wizard. But I can tell you this - I know what I want. And it doesn't have to be anything more than that."
With a note of sadness, he told her, "You should. You should want more than a handful of moments with some asshole who doesn't deserve you."
"I would rather have a handful of moments of what I feel when I'm with you than a lifetime of what I had before."
Touched again, he grumbled, "I don't understand that."
"I know," Ashley returned empathetically, "I don't expect you to. I don't expect anything here. Whatever this is? I just want to feel it. For as long as I can. It's up to you if that's what you want too."
Almost desperately, Leon appealed to her sense of self-preservation. "I don't want to hurt you, Ashley."
She laughed softly, "You won't. You'll protect me. It's all you know how to do."
"I should walk away. I should. It's the only way I do that."
Her eyes held his, unshaken, unflappable, and unwavering. Her faith in him, always unwavering, "Then do it. But it won't be to protect me if you do, Leon. It'll be to protect you."
Damn her.
She had a way of knowing precisely what he was feeling.
He paused. He eyed her. His hand opened and offered itself - like it had that first time in a church where God had abandoned her. She'd lost her faith in that church.
She'd found it again in the man who kicked down the door to free her from it.
Ashley laid her palm in his as he said, "...last one down is a rotten egg."
Her brows winged up, and he added, "Catch me if you can, Graham."
Leon's ankle hooked behind hers. She shouted as he dumped her to her butt on the ground, turned, and took flight across the valley. She shouted with laughter after him, butt deep in snow, "Cheater!"
"It's only cheating if you lose!" He called back as he fled.
Ashley gained her feet as her phone jingled. She started jogging after Leon's retreating form as she answered it and found her father on the other end. "Daddy."
"Ashley," his cool voice didn't sound thrilled as he greeted, "I expect to see you at church on Sunday."
Of course, he did. Here she was, questioning her faith, and here was the man who'd helped erode it, demanding she find it again. It wasn't that simple. And it wouldn't ever be again.
But she replied, "Of course, Daddy. I'll see you there."
"I know you will," he hesitated before he added, "...alone, Ashley. Come alone."
A curious statement. Did he know about Leon? It seemed likely. He'd attached Leon as her guard, but did he know about all he'd done for the body he was guarding?
He was the President...there was likely little he didn't know.
And yet he didn't ask. He wouldn't ask. Because he'd always respected her privacy too.
"Alright," Ashley returned coolly, "Things are going well here, Daddy. But I'm sure you know that."
After a moment, he answered, "Yes, I heard. You're doing very well."
"Did you think I wouldn't?"
And he said, "Hoped, more like. I hoped you'd change your mind."
"You hoped I'd fail?"
"No," he denied, "I hoped you'd quit."
"...you should have more faith in me," Ashley admonished softly with feeling, "I don't quit."
"I know," his voice quivered as he added, "It's the worst trait I could have given you."
She smiled and laughed lightly, "It kept me alive."
With a tremor in his words, her father returned, "And just might get you killed."
Ashley simply answered, "Sometimes, Daddy, it's about what's worth dying for."
In the silence, he demanded, "Is this it, Ashley? Is it worth it?"
Her eyes landed on Leon. They flickered. And she had her answer. It was an easy one. Because he'd given it to her by saving her life. He'd given her the strength and the faith to know she could do no less for anyone else who needed her.
So, she told her father, "Yes. For the first time in my life, I know what I'm worth."
The silence dragged on. The cold air on her nose and cheeks comforted her without chilling her. And the divide between her and her father had never been wider.
Because he didn't know her anymore. And he'd lost her long before she'd been taken.
They both knew it.
It was time for her to figure out who she was without him.
Quietly, her father remarked, "I'll see you soon...stay safe..."
Quietly, she answered, "I am. Bye, Daddy."
She hung up. She gave chase to Leon across the valley. There was no God waiting there in the woods for her, but there was the man who'd reminded her why faith didn't have to mean in the divine.
Sometimes, it was about other people.
Sometimes, it was about yourself.
Sometimes...it was about love.
She paused as the thought circled. Love. Did she love him?
He stood at the car taunting her, making it clear she'd lost the race. That was ok. She'd never beat him on foot, and she knew that. He was, and would always be, steps ahead of her regarding physical strength.
But what about emotional? He'd made it clear more than once that the emotion frightened him. It made him wary and reluctant the way a thousand enemies hadn't. He was afraid of her.
But why?
Because he couldn't care for her without risk, naturally, and he wasn't a man who risked others for his own needs. He'd risk himself and never blink, but if he let her too close...he'd risk her too.
And he just wasn't a man who put his needs over others.
He was, without a doubt, the most self-sacrificing man she'd ever met.
Ashley leaned in close to him as he held the car door open for her. The second she did, she felt him lean toward her as she promised, "Take the time you need, Leon...I'm not going anywhere."
Testing them both, she leaned up, and he angled down to meet her. They kissed, opened eye, watching each other. As their lips broke, Leon murmured, "This could end badly."
Ashley answered against his mouth, "Everything ends badly, Leon...otherwise? It wouldn't ever end." She curled her fingers into his coat and added, "All we can do, I think...is make the best of what we've got. Stop worrying about whether you're the man I deserve...and just be the one I want."
Softly, he queried, "...you think you know what you want?"
"Yeah. And I think you know it, too."
"I'm gonna try like hell not to hurt you, Ashley. Whatever that means."
"Yeah," she answered with feeling, "I believe you. So, " she kissed his mouth again softly before sliding into the car, "have a little faith."
She slid into the car with him. She watched the horizon and waited until he joined her in the cold cab.
And when his hand crossed over and met hers on her lap, she held on.
She wasn't sure that God was with her in that car. But Leon was. For the first time in a long time, she was too.
And she wasn't going anywhere.
