Set after 3x12 "With Fire". Alex is worried that Sean doesn't know she loves him.

"I think I'm messing things up with Sean," Alex told Nikita.

The former rogue had left Ops to relax in the old gym. The search for Ari's son, Stefan, hadn't yielded anything yet. It had only been a few days, and he was supposed to remain hidden from those like Division. However, it was still frustrating that the team couldn't immediately save him from whatever Amanda intended to do to him. She was probably going to kill him.

The team had to stop her. But they had no leads. So, Nikita removed herself from the frustration that was driving her insane to calm down with yoga. She hoped to be alone for a second. Unfortunately, Alex didn't leave her alone for long. She soon followed to talk about the other things in her life that were causing her trouble. Maybe she should stay focused on Stefan, yet she couldn't. She couldn't stop worrying about Sean.

Alex had thought the former rogue had seen or at least heard her approach. However, she actually surprised her. Nikita fell from her complicated yoga pose, landing awkwardly on the mat in the old gym. She shot Alex a brief glare. But when she noticed how anxious the young woman was, it dropped. She should seriously respond to Alex instead of making a quip or being huffy about her interrupted yoga. So with a sigh, she sat cross-legged on the mat, patted the spot next to her, and asked, "What? Because of the whole recruitment thing?"

"No. Well… kinda," Collapsing in defeat on the mat across from Nikita, Alex admitted. Weeks later, she continued to feel guilty about faking Sean's death and hiding him in the bunker. Yes it saved his life. But he was separated from his family, thought of as a traitor, and trapped in Division for who knew how long. He could never return to his family; he could be dead forever. And it was because of her.

She had pushed for the team to save Sean from Amanda's frame job no matter the consequences. He might've chosen to go along with the plan, but she had put it in motion. Alex had ruined his life- just like Amanda wanted.

However, that guilt wasn't what had her heart in a vice-like grip that day. Alex and Sean had talked about his recruitment. He didn't blame her for what had happened, and he had faith that she'd get him back home again. His positivity helped take some of the weight off her shoulders. Yet his recruitment wasn't the only thing wrong between them.

Alex had messed up in so many ways. When she had returned from the field the other day, she knew she had ruined things with Sean. By not being open, by being so ridiculously scared, she had made him doubt. Her words couldn't even assure him afterwards. He didn't believe her- he doubted her feelings. God, she had really fucked up. And she didn't know how to fix it, "It's just… I sometimes think that he doesn't know that I love him."

"What makes you say that?" Utterly confused, Nikita asked for clarification. She wasn't aware that Sean and Alex were having any problems besides the whole recruitment mess. Granted, she had been distracted by Ari, Amanda, and Stefan. But things couldn't have gotten that bad for the couple. Nikita didn't doubt that Alex loved Sean. It was painfully obvious with the way she looked at him and the way she acted. If Sean didn't know that his girlfriend loved him, then he was an idiot. Although Nikita might teasingly call him that, he definitely wasn't. He knew what he meant to Alex. Everyone did.

"Because I haven't said 'I love you'," Shrugging, Alex sheepishly explained. She was also certain that Sean doubted her affection because she wouldn't tell him about her butterfly tattoo. It wasn't as though she never wanted to tell him about it. She was just afraid. She was always so stupidly afraid. Talking about the brothels and her abuse and her addiction with Sean was so difficult. She didn't want him to pity her or see her differently. Opening up to Owen, a stranger with his own share of abuses, was easy; how could he judge her if he didn't know her. But Sean, she couldn't stand to think about him knowing the worst things about her.

Nikita had to understand Alex's fear. She knew the former rogue still hadn't told her fiancé everything about her troubled past- hell, she continued to avoid talking about Brandt even after everything that had happened. If Alex explained the butterfly tattoo situation to Nikita, she would've completely understood and would've probably offered some advice. Or make a tension braking quip. However, Alex couldn't bring herself to mention it again. Not because of the brothel- Nikita knew the most about them- but because she couldn't admit to her fumble. It was easier to just say she hadn't confessed her love. The tattoo story should just be forgotten.

How Nikita looked at her helped take her mind off of butterflies. Her best friend seemed confused, and a little amused. The fact that Alex hadn't said 'I love you' to Sean wasn't a big deal to her. Saying those three words wasn't everything in a relationship. Love could be expressed in so many other ways. The engagement ring on her finger was a perfect example of that, "So? Michael and I don't say we love each other all the time."

"Yeah. But you've said it. You're also Michael and Nikita. Everyone knows you love each other because of all you say and do," Alex argued. Of course Michael and Nikita didn't have to say that they loved each other. Everything they did proved that. Even when they were too clueless to realize they were in love with each other, everyone else saw it. The two were obsessed with each other, "I've seen you smile like an idiot when he just talks. And I once watched him walk into a doorway because he was too busy staring at you."

"He did that?" Nikita was unable to stop a brilliant smile from blooming on her lips. She knew she had a strong effect on Michael. But she never imagined it'd cause him to be so clueless. Okay, maybe a little. Still, the fact made her feel deliciously happy and giddy. She wanted to laugh brightly, hop excitedly to her feet, and run to her fiancé's warm arms.

But that moment was about Alex and Sean. Nikita needed to clear Michael from her mind (which was nearly an impossible task- as learned when she was rogue and he wasn't) and focus on her best friend. She seemed so beaten up over those three words. Something else had to have been on her mind. After all, if Alex could point out how obvious Nikita's and Michael's love was, then shouldn't she be able to recognize how obvious hers was as well, "Anyway. What you say and do isn't enough for Sean?"

Opening then closing her mouth, Alex couldn't respond for a moment. Nikita had a point. She knew that Sean loved her not only because he had actually been brave enough to say the words, but also because of all the things he had said and all the things he had done for her. What she had done for him had to have let him know she loved him in return. Except, she had screwed up by not telling him about the butterfly. She didn't show him that she loved him enough. She had to say it. She just couldn't for some reason, "I think he needs to hear me say it. But I just… I don't know. I do love him. I just can't…"

"Are you scared?" Interrupting Alex, Nikita asked. Honestly, she wouldn't blame the young woman if she was. Saying 'I love you' took a great deal of vulnerability that could be terrifying. Especially with the life they led. Their happy futures that they were fighting so hard for could go up in flames in a second. Admitting to a great love that could easily be ripped away was terrifying. There were no guarantees; there were no forevers. Not in their business.

"I haven't really had the best luck with loved ones," Alex muttered softly. She had lost her father, girls in the brothel, friends on the streets, Thom, and Nathan. And she had almost lost Sean more times than she liked. She couldn't risk losing him forever. If she said 'I love you' then the universe would know how real her feelings for him were, and it'd take him away. Yes, that was an absolutely ridiculous fear to have. The second she thought it, she knew how stupid it was. Yet it seemed so very real. She had lost so much love, she was bound to lose more.

"Yeah," At least Nikita agreed with her. Then again, the former rogue always understood her. They had similar stories. The world had shat on them, and they had to fight to survive. They'd never have normal. They'd never have the appropriate responses to situations or emotions. So of course they'd be afraid to love someone. It was just one more odd stacked against them- one more punch to the gut.

"Did you know that I was too scared to say 'I love you' to Daniel? I thought if I did, he'd hurt me. Or Division would kill him. They did that anyway, so I guess it's a moot point now," Nikita tried to chuckle lightly. However, the way she awkwardly ruffled her hair and looked away let Alex know that Daniel's death was one gut punch that Nikita had yet to fully recover from. Despite her attempt at a joke, she continued to carry the guilt of her late fiancé's death. The fact that she never actually said 'I love you' probably added to it

Though, Alex could've sworn that Nikita had said she and Daniel were happily in love- well, as close as they could be with Division. How could that have been if she had never said 'I love you'. Daniel couldn't have been happy with that, "Daniel never knew you loved him?"

"Just because I never said it, didn't mean he never knew. We were engaged. And he did promise to run away with me," Nikita smiled wistfully. A lot of her memories of Daniel were bittersweet. Her time with him ended so tragically, but the time they did have together was full of love. She could never forget that or let it go. It was a shining spot in her life- just like Michael was. Though, the loves were different. But that was okay. Love wasn't supposed to be the same. It was just supposed to be powerful, "My love was expressed in other ways. There are different types of love languages you know."

While Alex sat and thought about what her best friend had said, Michael interrupted the two. He entered the old gym with takeout for him and his fiancée. Nikita hadn't been expecting that. Surprise and excitement was written all over her face, and she nearly forgot about Alex as she hopped to her feet.

Before she sprinted to her fiancé, however, she did remember her best friend. She opened her mouth to say something, but Alex waved her off. It was alright. Nikita could have dinner with Michael. Their conversation was over; Alex had a lot to think about.

Though, as she watched Nikita rush to Michael, give him a chaste kiss, and walk arm-in-arm with him to another room, she soon had a solution to her troubling thoughts. She didn't hesitate to put it into motion. Hesitation and uncertainty had held her back too much. She should just act. It would be far better for her in the long run if she simply bore her heart on her sleeve instead of locking it away. Sean would certainly love it. There was no need to have her walls up around him. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. And if the universe did again, she was resolved to not care anymore.

About an hour or so later, Alex dragged Sean down the hall to a secluded room in Division. She didn't tell him anything. She just promised that he'd be surprised and took him by the hand. Sean followed willingly.

Once they reached her destination, she threw open the door and stepped aside. Sean was confused at first, then he saw all that she had done. In the hour since she left the old gym, Alex had bought the two of them a nice dinner. She then decorated the empty room with a little table and chairs, candles, and flowers. It was like a fancy restaurant, but for only two people. Sean was in complete awe. He gaped at it for a moment before he was able to ask, "What's all this?"

"I thought we could have a date. Just the two of us. Completely alone," Closing the door behind her, Alex replied. She tried not to be shy. Bearing her heart didn't have to be awkward. She was sure in her feelings, so she could bravely express them. Sean would keep her heart safe, and he'd warm it with that smile of his.

"In Division?" Although Sean absolutely loved the idea, he couldn't help but snark. He was finally out of the news cycle. He still couldn't jump right into a public space and draw attention to himself, but he could get out of the bunker and go to Alex's apartment. They didn't need to remain in the depressing bunker. The two could enjoy the sunshine together- or at that time of night, the moonshine.

"We can reclaim the space. Like we did with the recruit room," Smirking slightly, Alex shrugged. Yes, Sean was out of the news cycle and could go up top. She just didn't feel comfortable with him so out in the open yet. Division was safer. It was also more private. The two could talk about anything they wanted; they could bare their hearts. She could bare her soul. She hadn't been able to while they were in bed about her butterfly tattoo. But she could in that room. She could say anything to him- anything he wanted. It was what he deserved, "And you can ask me any question you want. I'll answer everything. No holding back. Complete honesty."

Sean glanced at the food, table, candles, and flowers again. Did Alex really set that all up just to tell him about her butterfly tattoo. She didn't have to. She didn't have to do anything special for him. All they had to do was talk. Too much time had been spent doing otherwise. They had to do better as they moved forward in their relationship. They didn't have to be showy, just open, "Why are you doing all this?"

"I don't want to ever make you doubt how much I love you," Alex made sure to look directly in Sean's eyes as she responded. She was so glad she did. Because then she got to watch his smile bloom and his eyes sparkle as he pulled her in for a kiss.

I hope everyone had a happy holidays!