Another fic set after 3x12 "With Fire". Michael and Nikita talk about their past and their future.

Michael and Nikita went straight home after leaving Division. They showered off the day (and the torture), ate dinner, and continued planning their wedding. Besides moments where they had to pause their discussion because they were too busy making out, the engaged couple got a lot planned; they even picked a temporary date. It was a great night after so much hell that day. The fact that they were so happy together made it all the more better.

After some fun between the sheets, Nikita and Michael got ready for bed. He wrapped an arm around her as they laid down, and she moved over so that she was curled into his side. His hold on her only tightened as they turned off the lights and attempted to drift off to sleep. At first, Nikita thought the way her fiancé held her had something to do with all the love they had expressed that night. But, when his tense muscles never relaxed, she realized that wasn't it. The events of the day had left him seeking comfort. With nothing to distract his thoughts, Michael couldn't help but think of horrible things and of terrifying similarities.

Saalim Nassar had killed so many people because of the tragic loss of his daughter. And Stefan Tasarov, a fifteen year old boy, was in serious danger because of the choices of his father. Although Michael never made a comment on it, Nikita knew what kind of thoughts he had about the situation. He couldn't stop thinking about Hayley and Max. She couldn't blame him; she thought of them too. However, Michael didn't have to suffer through those thoughts alone. She was there. They could talk. Whatever he thought about the similarities, he could share with her, "Saalim lost his only daughter in a violent accident with a weapon that wasn't meant for her."

"Yeah… that'll do it," Michael cinched his arm even tighter around Nikita. Although what Saalim did with the Crimson Resistance was unforgivable, Michael could understand how he came to that point. The rhetoric the terrorist had spewed made sense after the horror he had been forced to witness. That kind of pain was impossible to heal from. It could turn a person dark and twisted without them ever noticing. Of course Saalim had tried to punish those he held responsible for the worst moment of his life. Most people would.

Nikita could feel Michael's heartbeat underneath her head and fingertips. It had started out strong and steady. Yet as they talked, it turned hurried and erratic. He was livid about what had happened to him and to Saalim. His grief and pain had turned into a bitter anger that could never go away. Michael at least fought to move forward despite that. He fought to be better than what others had made him. Saalim hadn't. Or, at least, he never had the chance to begin to try, "Amanda twisted his grief until that was all he was."

"Until he was a monster. I know. Percy did the same thing to me," Reaching to also hold his fiancée with his left arm, Michael muttered. He had had those thoughts after he learned about Saalim Nassar. That was why he dived head first into planning his wedding to Nikita. Thinking about his bright future with her was the only thing that saved him from the harrowing realization. Because of Percy, Michael had been so close to becoming someone like Saalim. But because of Nikita, he never went that far. He owed her his life in far more ways than one.

Sitting upright, Nikita stared at her fiancé in concern. She left his arms wrapped around her, and she kept her hands on his chest. She simply wanted to look at him clearly as she refuted his claim. Except, Michael stopped her before she could. He knew what she was going to say: he wasn't a monster; he had never been that far gone. She had said that all before. And he believed her. He wasn't the brooding, angsty, hurt man he used to be. She had saved him; she had helped him become better. That was one of the amazing things she had done that he'd always love her for, "I'm glad I had you to help pull me out of the darkness."

"Are you okay?" Gently, Nikita asked. If he wanted to talk more about what he was thinking and feeling, she'd be all ears. The late hour and her exhaustion didn't matter. She'd stay up all night with Michael if he needed it. They had spent long hours before talking about Hayley and Elizabeth; Max; his anxiety; his battle with grief, survivor's guilt, and depression; and what Percy had done to him in Division. Each new talk brought him to a better place; they also brought the couple closer together. He had found immense comfort in sharing his thoughts and feelings with her, and she'd do anything to help comfort him.

"Yeah," But Michael didn't need to talk then. The two had had conversations about his current emotions before, and he was good. What she had said then had stuck with him. He didn't need more words of comfort. However, he wouldn't mind physical comfort. Tenderly caressing his fiancée's cheek, Michael pulled her down for a sweet, loving kiss. She melted into his arms again, happily returning the gentle affection.

When the two finally separated from their kiss, Nikita tried to return to lying curled into Michael's side. But he moved her. He pulled her atop him so that she was laying on her stomach and using him like some sort of body pillow. Although she was certain that she'd move to a more comfortable position as she fell asleep, for the moment, she wrapped her arms around him and snuggled into his warmth.

With Nikita acting as a kind of weighted blanket, Michael began to drift off to sleep. Nikita wished she could've joined him in that peacefulness. However, her mind continued to race. Saalim wasn't the only similarity they had encountered that day. Stefan Tasarov had to have also stirred up uncomfortable thoughts for Michael. She wondered how he was coping with that. He was probably fine if he was able to drift off to sleep. But she didn't want him to have a nightmare caused by all the unsaid things. It all had to be out in the open. That was the best way to heal, "Hayley would've been fifteen now, right?"

"Yeah. She would've been," Startling out of his doze, Michael sighed. He cradled Nikita's head in his hand and kissed her crown, drawing even more comfort from her. He usually tried- and usually failed- not to think about where or who or what Hayley and Elizabeth would've been had they survived that day. Those thoughts only brought guilt and pain, and only tore him further up inside. Since being with Nikita, Michael had gotten better about that. He could just think of them as they were, instead of who they could've been.

There were still times, though, when he thought about what Elizabeth would've said in a particular situation (she would've killed him for the way he had treated Nikita after the accident) or when he considered how Hayley would've acted as she grew older (she would've been hell as a teenager- worse than her parents had been). But, for the most part, Michael only focused on the present and on his possible future with Nikita and with the family he had built around him. Those were things he could control. Those were moments he could fill with joy and happiness.

"You'd be teaching her how to drive," Nikita couldn't help but share the thought. It just seemed so normal- so mundane. Had it not been for Percy, Kasim, and the bomb, Michael would've lived a normal, peaceful life. He and his family would've moved to Hawaii. He and Elizabeth would've raised Hayley and maybe would've had a couple more kids. Everything would've been happy and perfect; the only problems would've been teaching a stubborn teenager how to drive. But all of that happiness had been violently ripped away from Michael. And all he was left with was living mission to mission and a never ending war.

"Considering how stubborn she was at four, I'd have let someone else deal with that," Rather than acknowledge his darker thoughts, Michael decided to joke. Although he loved his sweet, adorable, cuddly daughter more than he loved anything else, he had to acknowledge that she was a stubborn terror at four years old. He couldn't even imagine what she would've been like as a teenager. If she had grown to be anything like him or Elizabeth, though, they probably would've just signed her up for Driver's Ed at school. Then neither of them would've had to deal with that awful world of shouting matches and hurt feelings.

As Michael chuckled at his own joke, so did Nikita. More and more often lately, Michael had been able to talk about his late wife and daughter with more joy than pain. He could smile, share happy memories without tearing up, joke around, and laugh. Nikita absolutely loved that for her fiancé. He had allowed himself to heal, and he was constantly doing better because of that. He was happy. He had found his way home again.

Sweetly kissing her fiancé once more, Nikita settled back down atop his chest. He kissed her temple, and they both squeezed their arms around each other. While they drifted off to sleep, their secure hold lessened. But the engaged couple remained as close as possible in each other's arms. Most nights, the two were content just lying on their own sides of the bed and only reaching out to touch when they needed to (Michael tended to reach out and touch Nikita in his sleep often). Yet some nights, the two needed more from each other. They needed as much comfort and warmth as possible in order to sleep peacefully.

Whereas Michael began to drift off back to sleep, Nikita struggled to turn her mind off. Division was running Ari's intel on Amanda; they were sure to get a hit soon, and they could finally end the bitch before she could cause more damage. So there was nothing pressing about work that should've been bothering Nikita. And, despite the intense emotions of the day, Michael was doing just fine. So there was nothing for Nikita to worry about at home. She could actually have a restful night's sleep.

If only she could silence her thoughts. They just kept running and running, jumping from one topic to the next. There was one specific topic that they kept circling around. However, Nikita wouldn't allow them to land on it for long. She and Michael had just ended their conversation on a happy note. She should let it rest and ignore the topic for as long as possible. It wasn't as though she and her fiancé needed to discuss it right then and there. It was a conversation for the future; it should stay that way. Unfortunately, her thoughts were just as bad as he when it came to listening, and she eventually blurted, "Do you still want kids?"

"Not now," Although Michael was annoyed at being startled awake again, he couldn't help but chuckle at Nikita's blurted question. A part of him had expected it. Despite a few words after Max, and a few awkward glances after Alex had said something about a nosey woman at the jewelry store, the engaged couple hadn't talked about kids. With the lives they chose, children weren't a part of the plan. Yet since they had begun planning for their future, it was a topic they should start considering. How big could they see their family. Where they willing to add their own mix of chaos into that crazy world. Or could they be content as they were.

"Well duh not now. I meant, in the future," Sitting upright, Nikita rolled her eyes. Obviously, she and Michael couldn't have kids then. Their lives were far too dangerous and unstable for any kid. Just look at Max and Stefan. The two had to be hidden because of the world their parents lived in. Nikita's and Michael's kid wouldn't be the exception. If they were ever going to have one, it'd be way after their war ended and way after they received their pardons. Though, the emphasis there was on 'if'. Maybe they had kids; maybe they didn't. Nikita, honestly, was leaning towards the latter.

Michael caught Nikita's tone instantly. Although she was asking for his thoughts, she didn't want to hear his answer. She didn't want to hear him confirm what she was already thinking. Bewildered, Michael wondered why that was. If she knew his answer, then why ask- why be afraid of what he was going to say. What exactly did she think about having kids. He knew she was anxious about the thought of being a mother. But was it more than that. Did she not want that kind of future with him, "Do you?"

Nikita hid her expression from him by bowing her head and letting her hair fall in her face. Michael sighed. He sat up against his pillows and turned on the bedside lamp. The light still didn't help him read her expression, though, he didn't really need to see her face. His fiancée's tense shoulders and fidgeting fingers was enough for him to know what she was thinking. For some reason, she was afraid to admit what she wanted- or what she didn't want. Michael couldn't have that. He took Nikita's unsteady hand in his and squeezed, "Nikita, just tell me."

"No," Nikita blurted. For as long as she could remember, she had never wanted to have children. She hadn't wanted to have children when Daniel mentioned it. She hadn't wanted to have children everytime she and Alex talked about that possibility. And she didn't want to have children with Michael then. It just wasn't something that could be in her future. She had said it before: she wasn't mother material. She didn't even know what a mother was.

Finally glancing at her fiancé, Nikita saw the shock in his green eyes. That was what she had feared. She hadn't wanted to hurt Michael by crushing his dreams of ever having children again. He was meant to be a father, but she could never be a mother, "I mean, come on, Michael. After all I've seen and done, I can't be a mother. I can't be what a kid needs to be happy and healthy. Look at me. I'm an addict. I'm a flight risk. I'm stubborn and rash and selfish. I'm a goddamn assassin. I just tortured Ari within an inch of his life. I'm a monster. I can't be a mother. I'm fucked up, and I'll fuck our kid up too."

Opening then closing his mouth, Michael wasn't aware of what to say. Well, he did know that he had to refute what his fiancée had said. Half of those words didn't belong to her; they were things others had told her to belittle her and control her. They weren't true. Michael had to ensure that she knew that. As for her not being mother material, he didn't really have an argument. At least, it wasn't an argument Nikita would listen to. For the time being, he should just focus on negating the first part, "Nikita…"

"No. Don't start with the whole 'you're perfect' thing. You know I'm right. Our life isn't conducive for kids. Even when we're free, we'll never be able to put aside what we've been through. We can't put kids through that. I can't put our kid through that," Scrambling out of bed and onto her feet, Nikita cut Michael off. She wasn't looking for compliments or for comforting words. She simply wanted her fiancé to understand why she didn't want kids. Maybe if he did, he wouldn't be so upset with her.

"I know it seems like that. But when your child looks at you and smiles for the first time…" Michael began. He could admit that the idea of fatherhood had completely freaked him out when Elizabeth had been pregnant. But when he had held Hayley for the first time, it just clicked. That wasn't to say that there hadn't been any difficult days. Nor had he known everything about being a father. But he knew he loved his little girl with all his heart.

Shaking away his dreamy smile, Michael got to his feet and rounded the bed. He neared his fiancée, holding his hand out to her. He wouldn't try to convince Nikita to have something she didn't want. That wasn't something one could do when it came to kids. Although he wanted to have a child with her, it wasn't only his decision to make. They had to both be involved. They had to be partners in every way, "Yes, Nikita. I want kids with you. I want… I want our family to grow and be full of so much love. But if you don't want to have kids, then we won't have kids."

"But you want to," Nikita didn't accept Michael's extended hand. She had already felt terrible about all the hell she had put Michael through (his hand was the latest offense). The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him further. By not wanting kids, she knew that was what she was doing. Her fiancé loved Hayley and Max more than anything in the entire world. He loved his kids, and he wanted that love to grow; he wanted to actually raise a child and see them grow happy and healthy. Nikita was taking that all away from him by saying 'no'. He deserved better than that. She should've been better, like he had become.

"I just want you," Closing the gap between them, Michael corrected. Yes, he wanted kids. But he wanted kids with Nikita, not in spite of her. He wanted to raise a child with her. He wanted to share the highs and lows of parenthood with her. He wanted to have a big, happy, loving family with her. But if she didn't want that, then he could change his plans. As long as Nikita was by his side, Michael would do anything. It didn't matter to him. He simply wanted to be with the love of his life.

Tenderly caressing his fiancée's cheek, Michael tilted her chin up so she would look at him. When she finally brought her brown eyes to his green, he smiled gently. Nikita never had to feel guilty for not wanting kids. That was her decision, so he'd respect it. After all, children weren't a light decision, "Look, having kids is a lifelong commitment. It's a decision we have to seriously think about and discuss. It's not to be taken lightly. We have to be one hundred percent on board. And if we're not, then we shouldn't have kids."

Nikita didn't immediately argue with Michael, which was a miracle. She was actually going to hear him out, so he eagerly continued. He pulled her warmly into his arms and stared at her intently. If she was really going to listen to everything he said, then he was going to make it count, "I'm not going to force you to go through that if you don't want to. After all, we both know that a child needs parents that want them more than anything."

That last comment caused Nikita to scoff. But that had been Michael's point. She never wanted anyone to be like her; no child should grow up like she had. The best way to ensure that was to surround that child with love. So if Michael and Nikita were to ever have children, then they were going to love and want that child more than anything else in their lives. Until then, though, they could be happy with each other. They would be happy with one another. They were enough for a family- always had been and always would be, "You're enough family, Nikita. I just want to live happily ever after with you."

Biting her lip, Nikita struggled not to cry. How did Michael always know to say the things she had always wanted to hear. She wrapped her arms around her fiancé and buried her head into his chest. He immediately returned her tight embrace and placed yet another kiss to her crown. Neither said anything for a while; the engaged couple only held one another and swayed slightly. Eventually, however, when she was able to speak, she huffed and muttered into his sturdy chest, "I was supposed to be comforting you after Saalim."

"Thinking about you has already helped," Michael smiled. Nikita squeezed her fiancé as tightly as she could, making him grunt in shocked pain. Both quickly dissolved into laughter. As they giggled, Michael picked Nikita up and carried her back to the bed. They fell onto the mattress together, and curled under the covers. The engaged couple remained in each other's arms the rest of the night. Even when they both finally fell asleep, they stayed tightly wrapped around each other. It was the best comfort they could find. It was always the thing that could bring them peace and make them happy. It was enough.