An AU for 3x06 "Sideswipe". Sean finds the drugs in Alex's mission bag.

"Hey. You stuck around," Spotting Sean in the weapons locker, Michael couldn't help but comment in surprise. He had thought once the mission was over, Sean would return to whatever he was doing before he was called in to help. He had seemed so busy lately, hardly keeping in touch with what Division was up to. Michael assumed the Seal would have to rush back to that. But apparently he had been wrong. Maybe he didn't know as much about what was going on with Sean as he had thought.

"Well, I had to debrief," Sean shrugged. Although that was true- he had had to talk to Ryan about the mission- he had mostly stuck around in the hopes of talking to Alex. The two hadn't had the chance since he had left Division. He had called her, but she never answered. He had left voicemails, but she never called back. He had tried to start a conversation on the plane ride back to Division, but she busied herself with other things. Hopefully, by sticking around, he could find a way for her to talk to him. Sean couldn't have their last conversation be the one they had had in Medical. More had to be- needed to be- shared.

"Right. But you didn't stick around last time," Michael added. In all honesty, he was fishing a bit with that response. Neither Sean nor Alex expressed why he had been away. The team assumed it had to do with the Navy. Whenever Sean was absent in the past, he was doing things with his Seal team. But if that had entirely been the case, then Sean wouldn't have been as available as he was when Michael had called. There was more going on than was being shared.

One look at the shame that crossed Sean's face, Michael believed he knew what was going on. He could then turn that moment into a lecture and admonish Sean. However, the Seal already looked like he had beaten himself up enough. Michael should just leave him be for a moment. He could talk to him more in depth after they both had some rest- and hopefully after Sean accomplished what he was really in Division for. Until then, Michael would just grin and say, "Thanks for coming when you were needed."

"Anything for Alex," Sean nodded. There was a chance he would've helped the others if he was needed. If Michael and Nikita had needed him to help them confront Amanda, for example, he'd have been there in a heartbeat; of course he'd help Division kill Amanda. But he knew it was different with Alex. He'd drop anything to be by her side, no matter what the problem was. There was no second guessing when Michael had called him to help. He was by Alex's side as quickly as he could.

"Right," Michael continued to study Sean. What he had said wasn't a surprise. The team had known that Sean and Alex would do anything for one another for a long time- probably even longer than the two realized that. Sean had once dropped everything to be her bodyguard in Moscow; then dropped everything again to be her mother's bodyguard in Greece. Michael hadn't questioned if Sean would've shown up if he had called for help. Instead, he questioned why he had to have called in the first place.

In his quest to avoid Michael's eye contact, Sean stared at his mission bag. Maybe he should've asked to talk to Michael. There was a strong chance that he could've helped him. But Sean just couldn't bring himself to say anything. It felt as though it'd be pointless. He should just talk to Alex. His lack of communication with her was where the problem lied. The only way to fix it was to talk to her, not other people.

Besides, he had wanted to find and talk to Michael for an entirely different reason. Staring at his mission bag helped Sean remember that he had something to return to the agent. He should've returned it weeks ago. But with everything else that had been going on, it had completely slipped his mind. Thankfully, he had begun to come back to himself. He was realizing what he had to do more and more. Returning something he had borrowed was just one of those things, "Oh. Hey. I still have that knife you loaned me."

As Sean opened his bag, however, he couldn't find the knife Michael had let him borrow. He had sworn he had thrown it in there when he had packed, and he hadn't used the knife on the mission. So where could it have gone. That question was quickly answered once Sean began to pull things from the bag. Besides the standard weapons and ammo, there was also a jacket. Sean knew for certain that he hadn't placed a jacket in the bag, especially one so small. That wasn't his bag. He must've grabbed someone else's when he got off the plane, "This is not mine."

"That's Alex's bag?" Pulling the bag closer to himself, Michael immediately asked. He wasn't so concerned about the knife. It was just one of Division's; there was nothing special about it; Sean honestly didn't need to return it. However, he was interested in whether the bag Sean had accidentally grabbed belonged to Alex or not. Michael had been concerned about Alex recently. The way she had been acting didn't seem normal. He had suspicions as to why. And if he could look through her bag, maybe he could receive some answers- preferably before he made any harmful accusations.

"Yeah," Recognizing the jacket he continued to hold in his hands, Sean agreed with Michael's guess. His and Alex's bags had been tossed next to each other on the plane. It was possible she had grabbed his and he had grabbed hers on their exhausted way out. Accidentally switching bags wasn't that uncommon. The team constantly mixed their gear up. It had gotten to the point that it wasn't that big of a deal anymore (at least it hadn't been before Sean left). However, Michael eyed Alex's bag with extreme interest. It confused Sean and made him feel like he was missing out on more than he originally thought, "Why? What is it?"

Michael opened then closed his mouth. He considered telling Sean everything he had noticed that had been going on with Alex since she had been shot; however, that was a can of worms he was afraid to open. He hadn't even told Nikita what he had noticed for fear that he'd say something that could never be taken back. He couldn't go around making those assumptions, not without proof- proof that maybe her bag could provide, "Nothing. Just… Alex's been acting weird lately. Extremely tense, hyper-focused, intense and quick to anger. It's a lot like…"

Before Michael said anything else, he shut his mouth tightly. He stared at Alex's mission bag, seriously thinking about what he should do next. Sean didn't like that. He didn't like that even after the disastrous duel missions they had, Michael still decided to not share what was on his mind. If there was something wrong, the agent had to say something. Keeping it to himself wouldn't help anybody, especially not Alex, "It's a lot like what?"

"I don't want to make any assumptions without concrete evidence. That could be far more harmful than helpful," Michael should've just told Sean what he thought. He also should've told Nikita what he thought when he had first started noticing that things were off with Alex. he was only keeping it to himself because he feared what would happen if the accusation was released. The accusation could be dangerous. And he didn't want to hurt Alex; he wanted to help her. The best way he could do that was talk to her and figure out what was going on without spreading damaging rumors.

Sean didn't appreciate Michael's vagueness. If something was wrong with Alex, he should just say it. Though, after hearing his reasons for being quiet, Sean somewhat understood Michael's hesitation. The agent had dealt with addicts turned recruits most of his Division career. He knew the danger that could come from falsely accusing someone of relapsing. Yet Alex wasn't a recruit anymore. She didn't need protection; she needed help. So if Michael thought she was on drugs, which was what Sean thought he was thinking, then he needed to just say it, "You think she's on drugs?"

"Not narcotics," Michael quickly assured. If he thought Alex was using narcotics, he would've told Nikita, and the two would've confronted Alex immediately. Nikita probably also would've clocked the relapse instantly if it was narcotics. No, Alex was possibly on something else. Something Michael hadn't seen in a long time, "There's this performance enhancer that Division tested out on some of the agents. The trial stopped when they began showing adverse effects, but Percy kept the drug in Medical. I think Alex's showing the same symptoms."

Glancing at Alex's bag, Sean understood why Michael was so interested in it. There could be evidence of Alex's possible relapse hidden in the pockets. All they had to do was search through it. Michael was incredibly tempted. But the thought of violating Alex's privacy held him back. How trusting of her would he be if he assumed she relapsed just because she was acting differently. He should give her the benefit of the doubt; he should talk to her rather than go through her belongings, "Again, I don't want to make any assumptions. Suggesting she relapsed just because she's acting differently… It'd probably be best just to talk to her first."

Although Sean knew why Michael wanted to talk to Alex first, he was ready to dig through the bag and find answers. He could talk to Alex after he found evidence- or not found evidence- of a possible relapse. Obviously, something was off with her. Waiting to talk could make things worse. Yet Michael was sticking to his decision. After all, he had other problems he had to deal with, "I'll do it tomorrow once she's had some rest. And after I talk to Nikita."

"Oh, about stepping in front of a bomb?" Suddenly remembering what he had heard about Michael's and Nikita's side of the mission, Sean asked. Michael seemed tired as he nodded. The Seal couldn't blame him for that. Not only had Amanda placed a target on everyone involved with Nikita's back, Nikita was still putting herself in danger to protect the ones she loved. Michael had a long talk ahead of him as he tried to get his fiancée to not be sacrificial. He'd also have a difficult time trying to get her to listen. Sean had a pang of sympathy for the agent, "Good luck."

Michael rolled his eyes and offhandedly waved goodbye. As he left the room, however, his eyes landed on Alex's mission bag and stared at it somberly. Besides when he talked with Nikita, he was going to think about what was going on with Alex all night- he was probably also going to plan how he was going to talk to her. Although Sean respected Michael's decision to wait and to talk, he didn't have the same level of patience. If something was wrong with Alex, he had to know immediately. Who cared if he made the wrong assumption or if he broke trust and personal boundaries. He had to know what was wrong. He had to go through Alex's bag.

Pocketing what he had found in Alex's bag, and slinging her bag on his shoulder, Sean raced to find her. Hopefully, she hadn't left Division yet. Hopefully, she had been caught up in her debrief with Ryan or in a conversation with Nikita. She could still be roaming the halls, and he could still find her and talk to her. Fortunately, Sean's luck was on his side that time. He found Alex near the recruit rooms, possibly walking towards the elevator. He stepped into her path, forcing her to look at him. When Alex's bright blue eyes met his, however, Sean lost whatever he was going to say. He simply stared at her and stammered, "Hey."

"What are you still doing here?" Alex asked harshly. She had just finished talking to Nikita about knowing Amanda's threat for Division- that the team of former rogues were all in danger because of the bitch's obsession with Nikita. And her best friend had not-so-subtly- suggested she find a way out of Division. She wasn't in the mood for any more stress or anger. Sean should leave her alone and go back to wherever he had run off too. She didn't want to see him or talk to him. She had been through enough hell that day.

"We gotta talk," Sean remembered why he had sought Alex out. The two needed to talk about what he had found in her bag, about why she had been acting so differently, and about what had happened between them. The last point was something Sean had thought about as he had searched for Alex. when he had left, something had broken between them. He had hoped it wouldn't, but he had been wrong. Of course he had been wrong. In that situation, how could he have been right. He had hurt both of them. In what world was that right.

"Oh, now you want to talk?" Alex bit. When she had wanted to talk before he had left her, he had shut her up with a kiss and a love confession. Honestly, in any other conversation, that would've been perfectly fine- wonderful even. But stopping her from saying anything in return and just running away had been a dick move. He should've stayed and actually talked to her. He should've been there for her, and she could've been there for him and helped him with whatever the hell he was going through. It was too late to talk then. Sean had lost his chance, and Alex didn't want to give him another one.

Sean knew Alex had a point. The time to talk to her had been in Medical weeks ago. He shouldn't have run; he should've stuck it out and talked to her. It was too late to change the past, though. He had to live with what he had done. And he had to make up for his actions in the present. Knowing they shouldn't be having a serious conversation in a Division hallway, Sean grabbed Alex by the arm and pulled her into a recruit room. She absolutely did not like that. As soon as he grabbed her arm, she shouted and tried to pull herself free, "Let me go!"

After Sean locked the door behind them, he finally released his grip on Alex's bicep. Fury burned red on her skin. She was about to curse Sean out in the nastiest Russian she knew- words he couldn't understand but would definitely feel the full weight of. Yet he stopped her by quickly pulling something out of his pocket. Whereas she froze, he was emboldened by the object, "What's this?"

Alex made no move to grab the bottle of pills Sean had stolen from her mission bag. She simply stared at the performance enhancers in complete silence. All fight had drained out of her. She couldn't be angry anymore; she couldn't even come up with an excuse. She could only stare, "Where'd you get that?"

"We switched bags by accident," Dropping Alex's bag on the ground, Sean only somewhat explained how he had found the drugs. He didn't need to get into how he had searched her bag and had rushed to her after he had found confirmation of Michael's assumption. He only had to show her the pills and ask about them gently, "What is this?"

She had been so careful. Alex had been so careful to hide her drug use from everyone, especially Nikita. The last person she had ever suspected to find the pills was Sean. he had been gone; he had shown he hadn't cared. So how would he ever know she had slipped up and started using again. Though, she wasn't exactly using. The drugs weren't narcotics. They were simply enhancers. And she was only using them to help with recovery. As soon as her shoulder was one hundred percent, she'd quit. She wasn't dependent, only struggling, "It's just for my shoulder…"

"An experimental performance enhancer?" Sean tried to remain gentle. He didn't want to be accusatory or harsh. He simply wanted to understand what was going through her head. He knew how difficult and painful it was to recover from a gunshot wound. But taking whatever pills she had found in Medical wasn't the answer. Even if it wasn't narcotics, it was still a dangerous idea. What was she thinking. How badly was she hurt.

There was a long pause before Alex responded. She didn't need to explain herself to Sean. She could take her mission bag and leave the room without another word. She owed him nothing. However, she couldn't force herself to leave the room. For some reason, she couldn't leave Sean. Even though he had left her, she couldn't just walk away. She had to say something-anything. Staring at Sean, Alex eventually decided to go with a more bitter jab than a real response, "You were gone. You don't understand."

"Make me understand," Sean tried. He understood if Alex wanted to shut him out. Maybe he deserved that after how he had left things. But if she just talked to him, if she just opened up to him, he'd be able to help her with whatever she was struggling with. She wasn't alone. She didn't have to carry the burden of her problems all on her shoulders. He could take some of it. Since he was there, he could help alleviate all the pain in her life.

"Make me understand why you left," Alex immediately shot back. She was completely aware that she was avoiding the topic. She knew she was ignoring Sean's attempts to talk about the pills he had stolen from her bag. But what did it matter if she refused to talk or not. He had refused to talk first. And he was still holding back from her. What was with his double standards of wanting her to talk, wanting her to run from danger, but he never did. He was such a hypocrite. She couldn't stand it.

Opening then closing his mouth, Sean didn't know what to say. He thought it was clear why he had left Division. He couldn't stick around to watch the hellhole destroy another person he loved. Though, despite running away, he still witnessed his loved one lose herself. Had it all been for nothing. Or had Alex not heard him the first time. Whatever the reason, he was going to assure his motives and feelings were clear, "I told you…"

"You told me that I should be sheltered and hidden because I can't take care of myself, but you're free to go sprinting into danger whenever you fucking want," Alex couldn't restrain herself. When she and Sean had traveled back from the field, she hadn't said a single word to him. She had kept herself a part and far away the entire time. She had wanted to continue that. Even in Division, she wanted to stay as far away from Sean as possible. If she did, she could keep her emotions in check. She wouldn't explode; she wouldn't lose it. Sean would've never known how deeply he had hurt her.

But, when he had opened that door and shoved her inside, she couldn't hold it in anymore. She had to explode. She had to release the angry, hurt-filled thoughts she had had since he had left her alone in the destroyed Medical room- since he claimed his love for her, then left like he never loved her at all.

"That's not what I meant," Sean instantly tried to argue. He could never insinuate that Alex wasn't capable of taking care of herself. He knew how strong and awesome she was; she was stronger and more awesome than anyone he knew. He didn't need her to leave Division because she couldn't handle it. He needed her to leave because he couldn't handle it. None of his loved ones should've been in danger; it didn't matter who they were. Maybe he should've done a better job of explaining that. No. He definitely should've done better.

"Then what did you mean?" Alex demanded to know. What was the point of him confessing his love and then leaving. What was the point of him pleading with her to be safe only to take his protection away from her. If he didn't want her hurt, then why did he hurt her. Sean opened his mouth to explain, yet Alex cut him off. She didn't want to hear his excuse. He had done all the talking already. It was her turn now, "I'm not some fragile fucking porcelain doll. I can take care of myself."

"Then what the fuck is this?" Shoving the pills in Alex's face, Sean nearly shouted. He had wanted to address the topic more gently. He had wanted to calmly talk about the performance enhancers and her relapse. But Alex's anger led him to snap. She couldn't keep deflecting. She couldn't keep burying her pain and ignoring the problem. The two had to talk. She had to open up to him so they could talk.

Alex continued to not take the bottle of pills. She didn't even look at them. All she did was glare at Sean. What the fuck was wrong with him. He wanted to yell at her for being unable to deal with things even after all he had done. What the fuck was up with that. He should keep leaving him alone like he had for weeks. The two were better off that way. Sean had to stay out of her life, "You shouldn't have been snooping in my bag."

"Michael already suspected that you were using. He recognized the effects of the drug, how it's hurting you," No matter how many times Alex tried to push Sean away, he was going to push back. After all, he wasn't the only one in her life who cared about her. Michael had been the first to be concerned about how she had been acting lately. And if it wasn't for him saying anything, Sean wouldn't have suspected that something was that wrong. Alex had too many people in her life who cared about her to push any one of them away. They'd always keep fighting for her, especially Sean.

"I'm fine," Crossing her arms, Alex refused to budge from her position. She really did believe that she was fine. Although she was hiding her drug use from the team, and especially from Nikita, she didn't see it as a problem. If it was helping her stay focused and recover from her gunshot wound, then how could it be wrong. It wasn't like they were narcotics. She wasn't getting high. She could quit any time.

"No, you're not. Just admit that you're not," Sean was growing tired of the constant back and forth. Why couldn't the two just talk to one another. Before he had left, talking to one another had been as natural as breathing. He and Alex could share everything with each other. There had been times where it seemed like they had. The two had known one another more than anyone else. But now, they were avoiding calls, circling around conversations, and hardly looking one another in the eyes. It was becoming far too frustrating to deal with. If the two didn't start talking soon, Sean was going to lose it.

"Just admit that you're not fine," Just as frustrated as Sean, Alex snapped. If he was going to stand there and accuse her of not being fine, then she should've been able to do the same to him. He was so very clearly not okay, she couldn't understand why he was acting like he was the only sane one in the room. He was just as messed up as he was accusing her of being, if not more so. After all, he had been the one to give up and leave, "No okay person tells someone they love them and then fucking leaves."

"I don't want to lose you to this place," Sean reiterated what he had said weeks ago in his attempt to get Alex to leave Division with him. As he did, however, he realized what Alex was talking about by claiming that he wasn't fine. There were far better ways he could've told her that he loved her for the first time. There were also far better places he could've passionately kissed her than in a destroyed Medical. The way he had gone about things was born from panic and desperation. Those were not the feelings of a man who was okay. He was struggling too. He should admit the truth outloud if he wanted Alex to do the same.

"You lost me when you left," Alex had meant to be scathing with the response. She had meant to stab Sean right in the heart- hurt him just as much as he had hurt her. But as the words crossed her lips, all the bitterness and lividity disappeared from her tone. She was just left sounding as heartbroken as she felt.

There was nothing Sean could say. He knew he had to say something. However, he couldn't think of the right words. All he could think was that he hadn't known. He hadn't known that leaving Division would shut the door on him and Alex. And he hadn't known that she'd be heartbroken watching him leave. Like an idiot, he had thought that since she hadn't chased after him, she hadn't cared that he had left. The exact opposite was true. She had cared so much, she was left devastated- heartbroken- by his actions. And there had only ever been one way she had dealt with that pain, "Which pain are the drugs helping? Your shoulder, or your heart?"

Although she had denied herself from thinking that her reason for taking the performance enhancers was Sean, hearing him ask her that question put things into perspective for Alex. She had been fine with her shoulder and gunshot wound until he had left. Then, she looked for immediate solutions to heal herself and to distract herself. Using the performance enhancer to ignore all her pain to focus on ending Division seemed like the best idea. If she ended Division, then a lot of her problems would go away. However, using drugs only presented more problems. Something she had wanted to ignore, but Sean had brought to the forefront, "Both."

The quiet way Alex responded let Sean know that that was the first time she had admitted the full reason for her relapse. Obviously, there was more to it than that simple word. But the fact that Alex was beginning to open up to him and to herself was great. If only he didn't feel like more of an idiot in the process. He had been so absorbed in his own thoughts and emotions, he had missed Alex's. What did that say about him. Or, more precisely, what did that say about what he was going through, "How was I supposed to know?"

"How did you not know?" Alex nearly shouted as she asked. Was it not obvious how she felt about him. Was it not obvious that she was as scared about losing him as he was about losing her. Was it not obvious that she loved him and would do anything for him. Sean should've known what her reaction would've been when he had decided to confront her in Medical and place that ultimatum on her shoulders. How could he have not known that his actions would've hurt her deeply. Was he really not okay, or was she really not that obvious.

There was no excuse Sean could give, not anymore. The best he could do was own up to his mistakes and try to do better in the future. He knew in order to do that he'd have to heal past the anxious and depressing mindset his thoughts had taken on lately. He wasn't sure how he could do that on his own. But he could talk to Alex- after he apologized for not talking to her before, "I'm sorry. I… I'm sorry."

Finally starting to close the distance between her and Sean, Alex connected her blue eyes to his hazel ones. There was a lot of pain and anguish in his gaze- almost too much. Despite his time away from Division, he hadn't healed from the reasons he had left. Since she hadn't healed either, she guessed they could help each other get better. However, she still had things she had to say- specifically, one thing that had been on her mind for weeks, "I don't want to lose you, or anyone else, to this place either. But that's why we stay and fight."

Maybe Alex was right about staying; she was definitely right about talking. Together in Division the two could help each other and the world. They simply had to solely focus on helping each other first. Sean couldn't be completely useful to the team if he remained so anxious. And Alex shouldn't do anything until she healed from her relapse. According to Michael, the performance enhancers could have lasting damaging effects. They weren't narcotics, but they could be just as bad. Alex needed to stop taking them. She needed to do what she had told him to do, "Do you call this fighting?"

No. Taking the performance enhancing drugs was definitely not fighting. Alex was running and hiding just as much as Sean was. She had deluded herself from that fact before. But being locked in the recruit room with Sean forced her to confront everything. She wasn't fighting wars, she was giving in to demons. She had been better than that- like Sean had been better than running away. They both just got so messed up they couldn't be themselves anymore. Since they had recognized that, though, maybe things could change. After all, they were on the same page, "I guess it's the same as you leaving."

So there the two of them were: absolutely broken people who did not know how to cope. At least they were confronting their problems then. Yet it wasn't enough. They had to do so much more. Tossing the pills back into the mission bag, Sean gazed at Alex in determination. They were both done running. And they were both done suffering in silence. Those two strategies only brought more pain and destruction. It was time they started healing and working through their pain instead of burying it, "Well, then, we both need to shape up."

"Together," Alex tentatively held out her hand. Sean took it immediately. Talking became a lot easier after that. They decided to go somewhere more private and comfortable to talk, so they moved to her apartment. Once there, their conversation flowed without argument, without avoidance, and without deflection. The two were open with one another- not as much as they had been weeks ago, but enough for them to heal the rift between them. Sean and Alex still had a long way to go before they healed themselves. But being together helped. They weren't alone, so they didn't have to fight alone.