CHAPTER 7
Driving over 10 hours to Cheyenne, Wyoming was uneventful, if you don't count the food fight around the fourth hour, me falling over a short fence while on a potty break during the sixth hour, and Ram gassing us out in the eighth hour.
The food fight was a result of me tossing Ram one of his favorite green gummies and I completely missed, hitting the top of his head, the poor bear shaped confectionary landing on the floor. He pouted before lobbing a red one at me a bit more forceful than was necessary and it beaned me in the forehead. My scowl clued him into the fact that it hurt and all he could do was give me a dumb grin while he chewed his gummies with his mouth halfway open. I grabbed a couple and chucked them right back, bouncing them off his head with a respectable amount of speed. Soon it was a free for all and gummies were flying through the air like little sugary bear missiles. We froze as Vince began to yell at us when one of my poorly aimed bears, struck the windshield in Vince's line of sight as he drove. Peals of laughter rang through Bertie as Vince grumbled, snatched the gummy off the windshield and popped it into his mouth.
I fell asleep soon after the food fight was over, my system overloaded with sugar. When I awoke, we were coasting into a rest stop somewhere in Nebraska. Bertie came to a gentle stop with a light hiss of her brakes as we finally stopped moving forward. You never realize how badly you need to pee until you stop after being on the road for a while. Six hours was a long time, and my bladder was screaming for relief when I stood up to stretch.
From the way I had fallen asleep with my legs tucked up under my body, my legs had gone numb, and it wasn't noticeable until it came time to descend the stairs to get out of Bertie. I must have looked like a newborn calf learning to walk on my way to and from the women's restroom. I wiped the last bit of moisture from washing my hands onto the back of my jeans when my legs gave out and I started to lose my balance. I threw a hand out to catch myself on anything, but all it found was air. I wobbled to my right, lost my footing and flipped over a short decorative fence surrounding the doggy area. My pants caught on the fence and ripped them down the middle, exposing my ass before I landed ass first, into a fresh, steaming pile of dog crap. I managed to haul myself back over the fence, while Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum laughed their asses off, before stumbling back to Bertie, intent on getting cleaned up.
Balling up my poop covered ripped jeans, I dropped them, as well as my soiled t-shirt and panties into a garbage bag for proper disposal. I stepped into the shower, ignoring the laughter of the guys as they pulled together a quick snack, ignoring the smell of fresh dog crap hanging in the air. I squirted a generous dollop of bodywash onto the luffa and scrubbed my entire body clean in the matter of a few minutes. Rinsing off, I could hear traffic traveling by on the highway through the vent in the ceiling. I wondered if any of them had issues with bad karma like I did.
Dinner was an easy affair. Unable to help ourselves, we dined on gas station burritos and nachos, washed down with what seemed to be gallons of soda. All was well for the first couple of hours after dinner, then Ram began to complain about his stomach. "Oh, man. Can you grab me the roll of antacids? My stomach is noooot happy."
"Maybe we shouldn't have eaten those burritos." I lamented, leery of what was to come.
Four antacids and two swigs of the pink stuff later, my sense of smell was forever altered. Ram grimaced, before rolling down the driver's window. "Sorry guys." And then came the first thunderous sonic boom from Ram's butt trumpet. I'd like to say it was a one-time thing. I'd like to say it wasn't followed by what can only be described as the worst smell ever imaginable. And I'd like to say, I didn't get sick and barf. But I can't.
The first ass screamer that came out was a surprise to all of us, the sound alone left us howling in laughter. Moments later, the laughter died when the smell began to waft through the motorcoach. My eyes watered as I covered my nose with the spare blanket I was holding. Vince gagged and opened the passenger side window, hoping it would help air out the massive floating air biscuit. What followed after that first fart was what I would consider an absolute and utter gastric apocalypse.
The Asspocalypse.
Ram left tire marks as Bertie skid to a stop on the side of the roadway, rushing to set the air brakes as he hurried to get to the bathroom. I rushed over to open as many windows as I could, trying to get fresh air into Bertie. Vince flipped on the A/C drawing in air from outside. My next words were muffled through the makeshift blanket mask, "I swear to God! We are never feeding him gas station food ever again. Ack!"
I tried not to get sick, fighting it until I needed nothing but fresh air. I burst through the door, they slammed against Bertie's side as I fell to the ground on my hands and knees, gasping for clean air. Vince followed me out, leaning against the guardrail, I lost my fight with the nausea and tossed my cookies. I could feel his hand rubbing my back in comfort as he held my hair back while I emptied my stomach of what little remained of my dinner.
The combined sounds of Ram evacuating his bowls and loud painful moans filled the air, even outside the motorcoach. Twenty minutes after the first ass blaster, and we were still sitting on the side of the road. I was sipping on a bottle of water Vince had so bravely gone back inside Bertie to retrieve and Vince was texting someone on his phone. A series of dings in return signaled that the person had responded to his texts.
"Bobby says to let Ram do what he needs to for now. He'll wind down eventually. He'll also need to rehydrate with electrolytes and more than likely need to be on a bland diet for a few days." He smirked reading the last text. "Bobby also says Ram knows better than to eat that shit. He had the same reaction after eating a bad batch of gas station sushi in Philly after picking up a skip. Bones still can't smell anything, and it's been over a year." I blanched and thanked my lucky stars I could still smell. Well, at the moment not so much, but eventually I'll be thankful for what sniffing ability I still have after all of this.
The sight of a Highway Patrol Officer popping out from behind Bertie headed in our direction made me drop my head in my hands and ask the Universe what I had ever done to piss it off. Vince perked up and smiled apologetically at the officer. "Sorry. We're not broken down or anything like that. My buddy ate some burritos at the last fuel stop and as you can tell, it's not going so well."
About ten feet from where we were sitting the older officer stopped in his tracks and covered his nose with his hand, disgust written all over his face. "Good Lord, Almighty. What is the hell is that smell?"
"My buddy's ass." Vince smirked. He pointed to his back pocket, "Can I get my ID out?" At the officer's nod, Vince slowly reached back and retrieved his wallet. "We're security experts from New Jersey. Just on vacation, headed to Yellowstone at the moment."
"You have an ID Ma'am?" He asked as he inspected both Vince's ID and his national CC permit card. I glanced up to Bertie and frowned with a sigh. I really didn't want to go back inside. I could still taste the smell of Ram's stench cloud on my tongue.
"It's in my purse right inside the doorway, if I can get it for you?" He nodded and stretched as far as I could, snagging a loop of the shoulder strap, dragging it out of the motorcoach. I handed him both my ID and national CC card.
Officer Murray, by the nametag he wore, walked back to his patrol car and ran our ID's. I slouched against the railing while tossing small rocks at Bertie's tires. Fifteen minutes later, Vince's phone buzzed with a text notification. He read the text and furiously banged out a reply, scowling the entire time. By the time Officer Murray returned, Vince was pissed, having a full-blown text argument with someone by the way he was muttering and growling.
"Thanks for being so understanding. You two check out. Be careful on the road, and..." he looked to Bertie scrunching up his nose in disgust, "you might want to burn a couple dozen candles and an entire box of matches to get rid of the smell. Good luck." He chuckled and left us to deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Ram.
We waited an hour longer and by the time Ram dragged himself out of the bathroom, the sky was pitch black and the stench had still not dissipated. I tied a flour sack towel around my face and assumed the navigators' position in the passenger seat, while Vince took over the driver's seat, getting us back onto the road. Poor Ram was passed out on the bed, I just hoped he didn't end up needing serious medical care after shitting out whatever he had eaten in the last twenty years.
We managed to find a Walmart just outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming. We pulled into the rear of the parking lot and shut down for the night. We weren't going to make the campground we had aimed for due to Ram's gastro-intestinal incident. We would have to suffer the indignancy of roughing it in a parking lot. After we got things set up and Bertie leveled, Vince and I headed into the store to buy a few things, in return for being allowed to stay overnight.
Bottles of blue and red Gatorade made it into the shopping cart, along with Saltine crackers and some canned chicken noodle soup. We swung by the housewares section and loaded up on candles and matches. I figured that spray air fresheners were too dangerous with the open flames from the candles, and we skipped those. Bags of chips, a couple of bags of candy and some beef jerky added to the growing pile in the cart. A large package of toilet paper went under the basket so as to not break the chips in the bags. Lastly, we collected two large boxes of anti-diarrheal tablets, hoping it would help in the long run.
Vince slid his card into the card reader, as the checker gave us a judgmental look at our purchases. "Gas station burritos." Was all he said in response and the checker nodded her head with an empathetic look on her face. We made Ram drink two of the bottled electrolyte drinks and a few crackers before leaving him to sleep off his gastric trauma.
With Vince's help, the large pull-out bed was made, and we decided to snuggle together on the one bed. My bed was unable to be made due to the fact the pop outs remained tucked in, as one should do when boondocking in a parking lot, and I needed the pop out to be in the out position in order to have to room to pull the bed out of the couch. Thus, Vince and I shared the larger pull-out bed. It wasn't necessarily a hardship.
The soft glow of dozens of candles filled the motorcoach with romantic light, as well as a heady combination of vanilla, buttercream and apple pie scents. If I could ever dream about what it would be like to snuggle with Vince in a romantic setting, this would be close to the top of the list, sans Ram's underlying butt stench. Laying with my head on his shoulder with his arms holding me tight made my libido sing. And boy howdy was she belting out an opera. It was difficult to keep my hands to myself. I had the urge to stroke different parts of his body, wanting to see what it would do to him, how he would react. I nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck, and I could feel his body responding, his arms tightening around me.
My fingers played across his chest, dragging themselves as the moved from one side to the other, my fingernails scratching lightly. He sucked in a breath when a fingernail found one of his nipples. The finger circled the quickly puckered nipple and I began to kiss his chest and neck where my lips could reach from where my head was laying on his shoulder.
"You're playing with fire, Honey." He warned as I smiled as innocently as I dared. Vince rolled over capturing me in his arms, my hands threaded through his hair as I stared up into his eyes, searching for intentions. Our legs tangled, his hips level with mine and I could swear, I could feel a massive monster beginning to grow in his pants. His lips caressed mine with such softness, it felt like the gossamer wings of a butterfly barely brushing against them.
I melted. How I could I not? He was showing me such reverence and care, as if my heart was the rarest object in the world and one jostle would break it into a thousand pieces. Our lips met and our tongues danced, finding pleasure in the dulcet sounds we could pull from one another.
"Mama. We don't want to do anything you're going to regret later on. I love you too much to let it happen like this, despite how much my body is saying otherwise." He kissed the top of my head, trying to convince himself as much as me.
Needing to get my mind off of wanting his body, I changed the subject, "Who were you texting earlier? You looked pretty mad."
"Bobby, at first, talking about Ram. Then I guess our names came up as a result of the search by the Nebraska Highway Patrol. Hector alerted the Core Team that we had been checked and they were pissed you were with us. They demanded you return to Trenton ASAP. I told them to fuck off. That you were your own person and if you wanted to go back you would. You operate on your own schedule, not theirs." His eyes screwed shut in anger, his head pushed back against his pillow.
"Hey," I traced my finger down the side of his face, coming to rest on his chin, "Thank you for sticking up for me. I don't get that a lot and it means the world to me. As for the Core Team, they can go fuck a duck as far as I'm concerned." My eyes softened at the small smile gracing his face. Unable to stop myself, I brushed my lips across his ever so slightly. "I love you, too." My head dropped back onto his chest, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
A while after I had entered Slumberland, Vince rose quietly and blew out all the candles. He checked on Ram one more time before once again spooning me. "I love you, too. With all my heart, Princess."
~0~0~0~
We made haste in our effort to get to the campground the next day. Neither of us could wait to explore Yellowstone. Ram was still feeling like crap, no pun intended. So, he made a point to tell us to go and explore and enjoy being in Yellowstone. He would recuperate and join us in a few days. We had five days here and we shouldn't allow him to drag us down. We were unsure if we should comply until he called a local clinic and scheduled an appointment to get checked over. He would take an Uber and see us later tonight. Vince grabbed my hand, and we headed off into the little town outside the campground.
It was 5 pm by the time we were able to walk out the gate and head into the little town. We hit up a pizza joint, noshing on a pretty decent pie, before finding an arcade that we blew through in a couple hours. Talking about our lives and some funny things from when we were kids, we walked back to the campground, laughing and eating the blue and pink cotton candy I had forced him to buy.
I tugged a small piece off and offered it to him. His tongue swept out and licked off the strands of the spun sugar that stuck to my thumb. My breathing hitched as his tongue slowly swept once more across the tip of my thumb. I pulled off another puffy piece and shoved it into my mouth, a little bit sticking to my bottom lip, though the tip of my tongue roamed searching for any residue. He pulled us to a stop, his eyes laser focused on the stuck confectionary. Dipping his head and softly biting the bit off my lip, he brushed his lips across mine in a soft sensual kiss. My heart thumped. I felt weak in the knees and a gush of warmness between my legs.
"What are you doing?" My whisper sounded so loud in my ears.
"That's simple Mama, I'm seducing you." He responded with a wicked panty dropping smile. "Is it working?" He whispered back, his hot breath caressing the spot just under my ear where if someone were touch it with their lips, I would break out in full body goosebumps.
My voice a breathy whisper, "Yeah." I couldn't lie. I wouldn't lie. He meant too much, for me to do that. I knew, I couldn't give in any time soon. I wasn't ready. But I had to admit, it wasn't because my body wasn't willing. Honestly, his seduction was working.
