A/N: I recommend you go reread the last two chapters if you haven't, hoes. Because I made changes to them. Not after the notes appeared at the top of those two chapters, so those who have already seen the notes, may proceed. Others, go back and read. NOW. Intimidated yet? No. Well, you have to read otherwise you gonna be a confused chicken.


Don't Worry I Can Hold All of You

Tyson's gasp is soft in the quiet of the room.

Kai closes his eyes. Toying with his hands.

Ileana is dead? How did he never hear of that? "You mean she didn't- didn't drop out?"

"Her parents are influential people. Her mother controls half of the media outlets in Japan. They covered up her suicide because they didn't want the stigma of mental illness attached to their family name. She had younger sisters who are yet to be married. They chalked up the incident to academic stress and lied they took her out of Toho."

"That's awful" Tyson's head reels with the information. "How- how can they think so little of their own daughter? Wh- what are they saying she's doing now?"

"She's presumed to be studying modern art or something on an island where she wouldn't have to deal with overly competitive peers," Kai's tone is utterly dry. Like the words are dirt on his tongue.

"Island?"

"Barbados or somewhere like that."

"What will they say when it's time for her to graduate?"

"They'll cook up something else."

Tyson pulls in a stuttering breath. Goosebumps bursting on his arms. He gulps. Fear of finding out the truth of what happened between Kai and Ileana creeping up his spine. What if- what if he doesn't want to know? What if he's better off not knowing it? But then that begs the question of who exactly he is in love with.

Tyson closes his eyes, making up his mind. Whatever happened, it happened two years ago. Kai's not the same as he was back then. People change in college. They evolve. Teenagers enter college with one type of personality, and they more often than not, leave a better, or worse adult version of who they were in freshman year. Never the same.

And if whatever happened between Kai and Ileana keeps him up at night, it means he truly regrets his actions. And that's all that matters.

He sits closer to Kai then. Their arms brush lightly. "What happened?" he asks softly.

Kai was staring at the floor, he blinks when he hears Tyson. His shoulders move when he inhales deeply.

He closes his eyes again, like he's seeking the comfort of the dark from his own past. "Ileana was a sophomore and I a freshman when we met." Tyson didn't know that. That she was older than him. "It was raining that night. She was on her way to the dorm. Walking in the middle of the road. I could barely make out her figure. I thought 'Any minute now she's going to move to the side'. But she honestly couldn't tell which part of the road she was on. When a car suddenly turned around the corner, she froze like a deer in headlights. If it hadn't been for me, she would have ended up in the hospital, paralyzed or worse.

"Ileana was so grateful I saved her life she thanked me profusely, and followed me home. She was so grateful because no one had ever done that for her before. No one cared enough to pull her out of the way of imminent harm. And I didn't know this back then, but she was already severely ill at that time. Bipolar and an extreme case of insecurity. Her parents' constant unavailability didn't help either. When I saved her, it apparently ticked off some part of her brain that craved for attention and affection, and made her cling to me. She followed me everywhere. Ileana pestered me so much I went out of my way to avoid her.

"She wasn't irritating like you would tend to believe. She was impossibly charming. When she cornered me in cafes or in between classes, she was...entertaining to be around, to say the least. Ileana had a sense of humour, and had a clever, witty manner of speaking that immediately caught the attention of my friends. Yuriy and Sergei were enthralled by her. Beside her constant need to be around me, she was a fun,...likable person. When Yuriy found out Ileana's mother owned major shares of the TI telecommunications group, he took a special interest in her."

"Did she have other friends?" asks Tyson when there's a prolonged pause from Kai.

"No. She didn't want any. Something of a loner. She didn't talk much till she met me." His jaw muscles sharpen as he clenches his teeth briefly. He seems to get lost in his own thoughts.

Tyson asks gingerly to bring him back: "Yuriy took a special interest in her?"

Kai sucks in his lips, silently debating something with himself. Then he turns his face away. Towards the bedside table. For a second. And when he turns back again, there's a new layer of determination on his face. Determination, and a hint of something Tyson doesn't want to examine too closely.

Kai looks down at his fingers and starts once more with renewed energy. "When we were in freshman year," he glances sidelong at Tyson. "We did a lot of...," he pauses, a jerk of a brow, "bad things, Tyson."

He says it like he expects Tyson to understand and move on. Tyson was never one to not delve further in, and he asks, with a daintier tilt of his own brow, "Bad things like what?"

Kai's legs shift on the floor. Slightly parting wider for a second as he looks at Tyson. "You've probably heard rumours."

"Rumours?"

"Stories"

Tyson presses his lips together, recalling the worst he's heard. He begins chewing on the insides of his lips as he thinks of bringing them to the table. Addressing them with Kai. "Like smashing bottles on people's heads?" he asks at last, nervous.

Kai's gaze is steady on him. "That was right after orientation. A group of seniors tried to haze us. We fought back. This guy brought bottles to put up our asses. I broke them on his head and scared the rest of them away from us with the broken butts of the bottles."

Tyson bites his lip, eyes widening as he learns the first one he brought up is true. "But it was self defense," he argues in a small voice. "That was not a bad thing to do. You saved your friends."

Kai simply stares at him. And gives him a slow blink.

He thinks of another one. "You dunked a guy's head in the toilet?" His brow wrinkles as he tries to remember details of the incident. "For no reason?"

Kai takes a while to recall that one. He ponders for minutes then he says, "That was a senior too."

Tyson nods. Then he asks, "Why? Why seniors?"

"It was either one or the other. Either we climb up the social ladder. Or we stay at the very bottom and get picked on like baby birds." There is no remorse in his voice as he says it. "We had to do it to them, or they were going to do it to us."

"Who would willingly start fights with your lot?" asks Tyson, unable to imagine going after the Blitzkrieg boys, unaware that the terrifying image he has of them in his head was carefully built by them over years.

Kai smirks humorlessly. "We were a bunch of pale-faced kids with too sharp tongues. Rich kids hate those who talk back to them and make them feel inferior. We were never going to be able to keep our mouths shut so we had to go all out. We raided parties, fired teachers-"

"You replaced the Dean."

"-beat people up." Kai's expression is grim. "Beat them to pulp." Tyson slightly recoils at the mental image of Kai hitting someone. His punches are strong enough to incapacitate a fully grown man of his size with a single blow. He could seriously injure someone if he wished to. May be even-

Tyson doesn't finish the thought, breathing in a lungful.

Kai touches his own knuckles, absently examining them. "The girls were impressed. They started to practically throw themselves at us before the end of our first month in college. Seniors feared us. Our own batchmates wouldn't dare cross us. We owned the place in as short as three weeks. They tried to get back at us of course. Things got real ugly a few times." He brushes over the skin between the 'Д' and 'у' inked on his knuckles. "Lots of broken bones and noses. Yuriy had to get surgery once. And all that simply made us more attractive to girls. They wanted a piece of every single one of us. Even Ian was getting some action." He looks up from his hand, loosely intertwining his fingers instead. As he looks up at the wall across the room, Tyson notices that though Kai's posture and voice speak of calm and reassurance, his eyes tell a different story. They look...they look like he could break any moment. "We were fucking every night. We fucked so much we couldn't get it up when we wanted to sometimes. Hell, we fucked so much we forgot faces and names and they all just blurred together, and became nothing but holes to us."

Tyson physically cringes in revulsion this time. At the crassness of his words. "Don't-" he starts in a whisper, getting ready to defend, but Kai cuts him off.

He's not looking at him. His gaze is on the wall. And unfocused. He's somewhere else.

"We were careful not to sleep with the same person twice, but some of them were so pretty. We couldn't say no when they offered. And they caught feelings. So many hearts," he blinks, "we broke so many hearts. And halfway through the year we started to feel a bit like gods. The girls who were in love with us...they made us feel..." he blinks again, his voice growing distant, trailing off. "We got drunk on the power we felt we had. We forgot a lot of things that year. We forgot our virtues, our values, our principles. We forgot decency and respect. And a lot of people paid the price for that." He brings his hand to his nose, his mouth remains partly opened even when he's not speaking, like he's breathing through his mouth. Shallow breaths. "We stopped messing with people's feelings by the end of the second semester. Or we were slowly trying to...change. We didn't need to act the way we had to since we started college anymore. We were trying." He nods. "To be better." Tyson can see his chest softly rise and fall under his shirt. Even though he's hunched forward. "And that's when Ileana came into our lives. Or mine." He slightly turns his face away. Tyson can't read his expression anymore.

"When Yuriy learned she had powerful connections, he wanted her to himself. Since I seemed disinterested, he started to pursue her. Ileana, was bothersome, and clingy, but I didn't want her to hurt. And Yuriy was going to hurt her. He wouldn't listen to me when I tried to talk him out of it. He wouldn't back out of the idea till I told him I liked having her around, and was looking to get romantic with her. It was a lie at first. But then...then it wasn't. We slept together. I didn't take her anywhere special, but we were a thing. And everyone knew. Ileana fell in love. I didn't, however. I was going to let her go at the end of the year. Then she told me about her mental struggles, how she's been suicidal since she was ten. And was barely hanging on to life. I didn't know how to break things off. I feared it. I feared she would...do something terrible." Kai's hiding his mouth behind his fist. His breathing is visibly shaky now. "On our last day of classes for that semester, Yuriy took it upon himself to break the news. He thought I was backing out because I was a pussy. He had no idea she'd tried to take her life for so much less before." Kai pulls his hand away from his mouth and takes a measured breath through his nose. "Ileana was innocent. She did nothing wrong. I was in a lecture when Yuriy talked to her. I was unaware of what he'd done. He hadn't discussed it with me before doing it. I didn't see her after classes and it was strange, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. Because...because it was the last day and people were packing." He's breathing hard. Tyson sees him gulp. He puts a warm hand over his knee. "I tried her cell that night, and it went straight to voicemail." His voice is getting thicker. "And when I asked Yuriy if he'd seen her, he told me that he told her that I was only playing with her. That I was going to break up with her that day, but didn't want to do it myself." He takes a pause to press his thumb against his own pulse on his wrist. Frowning slightly. Breathing shallower, quieter. "Ileana lived alone. In her apartment. When I went to check on her, she was in her bathtub. Her wrists open. Already dead," he says, and his voice breaks.

Tyson leaves the bed to kneel down in front of Kai, taking his face in his hands. And pressing him into his own body. His nose against his neck. "It's okay" he says, trying to console him, tears in his own eyes. Kai wraps his arms around Tyson loosely. Hugging him back. He can feel his feverish breath on his collarbone.

Tyson kisses Kai's ear. Whispering. "Baby. It's okay. It's okay." Kai tightens his hold around him. His fingers balling in the downy fabric of his robe. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tyson hugs him closer against his chest. Squeezing his own eyes shut. "Is that why you can't sleep?" he asks. "Because you dream of her?"

Kai gathers him even closer. His arms rigid across the middle of his back. Pulling him up. Tyson climbs up without breaking the embrace. Into his lap. His knees sinking into the bed on either side of Kai's legs. He cards his fingers through his hair and whispers reassurances into his ear.

Kai presses his face into the crook of Tyson's neck.

Tyson rocks him back and forth. His heart beating softly against the hard thud of Kai's. He can feel his heart going a mile a minute, and it breaks Tyson to know this.

That he's in so much pain. That he can't sleep. That he can't rest for more than a few fitful hours every day. He combs his fingers through his hair soothingly. "Is it always like this? Every night?" he prods gently.

Kai pulls his body into his own. Breathing in Tyson's scent. Tyson's lips brush his feathery locks. His hands cradled around the back of Kai's head.

He can hear his breathing loud and laboured and heavy in the dark. He hears him wince against his collarbone. Tyson presses a kiss into Kai's forehead.

He buries his nose in the short locks at the front. Closing his eyes. His fingertips gently, minutely massaging circles into his scalp.

His robe is bunched in Kai's fist. His breathing decreases from its frenzied pace to a more controlled but still escalated state.

Kai's nose brushes his neck. His lips touch his skin. Tyson eases on the rocking. Settling down on Kai's lap. He winds his arms around his shoulders so their chests press together. Firmly. Warmly. He hopes it'll calm Kai down.

"Why did you tell me about her?" he asks softly.

He hears him pull a sharp, deep breath. Kai's hands fit around his waist. Holding him properly. Tyson waits. "So you can leave before its too late," he says, voice rough.

"And why would I do that?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Why would you hurt me?" Tyson pulls back to look at him.

Kai's gaze rises to meet his. Dark. Deep. Solid.

"You didn't hurt Ileana, Kai," Tyson tells him gently, holding his jaw. "You didn't. You were good to her. You were only ever good to her. You didn't kill her. It was her head. Her own thoughts. It wasn't you, Kai. It wasn't you."

"I could've taken her to a hospital."

"What are you talking about?" he asks, confused.

"When she told me she was ill, I should have taken her to see someone."

Tyson hugs him because he's so convinced it was his fault. "Kai, baby, if she'd shown concerning behaviors in front of you you would have taken her. But she didn't, did she?" he prompts.

Kai stares at him.

"Did she?"

"No"

"Then it wasn't your fault," he tells him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He brings their foreheads together. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Kai sighs.


His heart is in Tyson's ear. Thrumming restlessly as he lays with his head on his chest.

His hand, which is resting on his first button, can also feel the same hard palpitations against its flesh. His hand could almost be bouncing from how well he can feel the pumping of Kai's heart.

It's making his own heart want to gallop.

He pats his chest softly. Trying to tacitly tell it to calm. The song rises to his lips inadvertently.

"I love this place," the words leave his mouth melodically, almost on their own. Soft and merely above a whisper in the dark. "But it's haunted," He taps the gentle steady rhythm on his chest. "Without you" Listening to his breath.

"My tired heart"

He hears Kai inhale.

"Is beating so"

"Slow"

He can feel him start to relax.

"Our hearts sing less

Than we wanted

We wanted" Tap. Tap.

"Our hearts sing 'cuz

We do not know

We do not know"

He presses his cheek against the softness of Kai's shirt. His sighing heart. He hums. "To light the night," he sings,

"To help us grow

To help us grow

It is not said, I always know"

Tap. Tap. Pat. Pat. Pat.

Pat

"Please don't make a fuss

It won't go away

The wonder of it all

The wonder

That I made

I am here to stay" A single tear slips free of his eye and stains Kai's shirt. Right above his heart. Which is quietly beating now.

"I am here to stay" He touches his lips to his rib. Nosing on the fabric. "Stay"

His eyes stay closed. Listening to the slow, rhythmic beat of the heart under his palm. He's calm.

Tyson slowly raises his head to peek at Kai. His face is dimly visible in the moonlight streaming through the thin drapes. But it's enough to make out his closed eyes and slack mouth. He's asleep.

Blissfully so.

Tyson snuggles to his chest. Drifting off as well.


A/N: the song is 'Little House' by 'Amanda Seyfried'

Originally, this chapter was going to be written from freshman Kai's perspective, but that would have killed the soft mood and revealed almost everything. So I'm saving that for later. hhhhh

Well, howdy, hoes and heroes, how'd it been? I have been...good. I am well. How about you? Are you taking care of yourself? I hope you are. Ah, I mis being here more often. I haven't been interacting. I should do it more.

I will try.

Anyways, hope you had fun. Hope you liked the chapter. Let me know what you thought of it in the comments. I miss you all. I will see you again soon. Bye!

P.S: How do y'all feel about a WARRIOR update? Is it time or is it time?