Saturday morning after breakfast, Neville and I met at the front gate and walked together towards Hogsmeade.

On our way he told me some stories about the village. What it was all about, which important witches and wizards had lived there and the like.

When we finally arrived, we strolled through some shops.

He was particularly enthusiastic about honeydukes.

I also bought some sweets but to Neville's displeasure I didn't dare try Berti Botts beans.


We sat down in the 'Three Broomsticks' , a pub that Neville had recommended and he ordered us two butterbeers.

Contrary to expectations, there was no alcohol in them, which he assured me.

Cautiously I tried a sip and coughed.

"And this is a speciality here? It tastes like dishwater.

You Brits are really weird," I laughed and pushed my jug over to Neville.

"You can have mine too, I'm going to get myself a decent drink."

Neville laughed too and took a big gulp of his beer.

A minute later I came back to the table with a hot chocolate.

"You get used to the taste.

What do you guys drink at your place?" asked Neville curiously.

"We had a juice bar in the place next to Ilvermorny, it was always very busy.

I think the most popular drink there was dragenfruit blueberry. But there were quite a few others."

"Sounds not bad, but I think butterbeer is still better," he laughed and took the last sip from his mug.

"I never asked you that," he began, nervously playing with a spoon.

"Why did you actually decide to do a year abroad and why Hogwarts in particular?

And isn't senior year actually a pretty bad time to do it?"

I sighed once briefly, knowing that this question would come sooner or later.

I'd already been here four weeks, which counted as rather too late for such a question.

So now I had a choice.

Do I tell him why I was here or do I lie to him?

And if I told him the truth, how much of the truth?

I looked into his loyal brown eyes and I knew I couldn't lie to him.

I would tell the truth.

At least parts of it and always a part more until eventually he would know everything.


"I didn't really decide to do it, it was decided for me."

He looked at me questioningly and I continued.

"I had a death in the family in May, someone very close to me.

After that I could no longer concentrate on school and almost failed my exams.

To get me out of that environment, where everything was full of memories, it was arranged in consultation with Professor McGonnagal that I could do my final year here at Hogwarts.

My grandfather went to school here himself and approached Professor McGonnagal about it.

I didn't really have any say in it, when I was told it was all a done deal and two weeks later I was here."

I had looked past Neville for the whole explanation but now I was looking him straight in the eye again and I could see compassion.

"I'm sorry about that," he began quietly

"About the one you lost and that you're here even though you don't want to be.

But I understand the thing with the memories. Sometimes it's really hard not to think about what happened in the castle.

It feels unfair to walk through the corridors laughing when there were students who died there."

He faltered briefly.

"Which gives me the right to be here."

I didn't know how to respond, much like last time at the lake.

So I took my hand off the cup and put it on his.

He smiled at me and I took my hand back.

That brief moment had been enough to show Neville that it was okay for him to think that way and that I understood him.

"Yesterday Potions was pretty scary, don't you think?" he changed the subject.

"Yeah it was. I'm really glad the counter-potion worked so well. I wouldn't have wanted to spend an hour looking like Malfoy."

"But he could have been flattered to look like you for longer," Neville laughed, blushing.

I just gave an approving growl and sipped my drink again.


After seeing Malfoys mark yesterday, I had been in the library reading up a lot about the Dark Mark.

At least as much as one could find.

Most of the records had been from outsiders and the few Death Eaters who had made records of it had never given reasons why they wore the Mark.

What was clear however, was that one could be one of Voldemort's followers without wearing the Mark.

So why did Malfoy have it?

It would mark him for life and no matter how much he denied being part of the group, the mark would always be able to convict him of that lie.

I had been thinking about it all evening, but I couldn't come up with a logical explanation.

The only person who could answer it hated my guts.


"Are you all right Daisy?" Neville snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I was just thinking", I apologised.

"I asked if we wanted to go back to the castle.

It looks like it's going to rain and if we hurry we can still get over dry."

I nodded and took my coat off the back of the chair.

"Thanks for giving me a lift," I said as we arrived back at the castle.

"No problem, that's what friends do," he beamed at me.

Friends, we were friends.

Now I was grinning broadly at him too.

Fuck it I look ugly when I smile.

Neville and I are friends, no one can take that away from me.

"I promised the boys I'd have dinner with them tonight.

I don't really feel like it but I'll be back with you in the morning for breakfast, I promise."

"That's okay," I replied.

"I'm sure they miss you already, as often as you hang out at my place now."

"I really like hanging out with you though," he waved his hand over my hair that had fallen out of my bun due to the wind.

"See you in the morning."

"Yeah, see you in the morning."


Before I knew it, the colourful leaves on the trees disappeared and the cold and frost moved into the Scottish Highlands.

October and November had passed faster than I expected.

Neville and I had spent every spare minute together, laughing and talking.

I always wanted to tell him a bit more about myself but I was afraid of ruining what we had.

Neville's friends had stopped asking him what was going on between us since he admitted to liking a girl from his Ancient runes class and we were really just best friends.

Yes, we were not just friends but BEST friends and it just felt good to say it.

I knew that no matter what, I could always talk to Neville about it.

Sometimes even better than I would have been able to with Grandma.

Of course I still missed her enormously but Neville also helped me through difficult days.

There hadn't been any big arguments with Malfoy for the last two months.

We had worked quietly next to each other in class and when we had to talk only the most necessary and even then we sometimes bitched at each other.

But all in all I was just content. Exams were in three weeks and Christmas in less than four.


It was the fourth of December, a Monday, when I got owl mail.

Or rather, raven mail.

After my first letter in September, my grandpa hadn't sent an owl but our raven Ruben, because he was better able to cope with the longer distance.

Ruben landed on the table in front of me and squawked.

I stroked his feathers and knotted the letter off his left leg.

Because of Ruben it was clear to me that the letter had come from Grandpa, and besides, he was the only one who wrote to me.

My aunt and uncle always enclosed their letters with his so that Ruben only had to fly once.

I fed the raven some of my muesli and a little later he took off to sleep in the owlery.

I carefully unfolded the letter and Neville looked up eagerly from his breakfast.

«Dearest Daisy,

I was very pleased to receive your last letter, Minerva also wrote and said your performance was good.

I'm glad to hear how well Hogwarts is doing for you and I'm looking forward to meeting that nice Neville you've been writing about for months.

Actually, we had agreed that I would join you in England over Christmas, but I have new arrivals and I can't leave here.

I'm sure you understand.

I'm sure I'll see you soon and we'll write until then.

Give my love to Minerva.

All the best and Merry Christmas

Grandpa »

Grandpa had never been a man of many words, that was nothing new, but we agreed that we would spend Christmas together.

That was one of the conditions I had set when I was told to go to school here, not to be alone on Christmas.

But he was right, I understood why he couldn't go.

I sighed.

"Are you alright?" Neville asked worriedly.

"My grandpa can't make it over for Christmas", I said curtly, staring at the letter again.

He put his hand on mine and stroked it lightly with his thumb.

"It's okay, I can stay here with you for Christmas if you want."

I shook my head quickly.

"You go home. I'll be fine I promise."

"I don't believe a word you say but I don't even need to try arguing with you."

He smiled slightly and continued to stroke my hand with his thumb.

"Thanks anyway," I whispered.

Suddenly his thumb paused and his gaze went rigid.

I turned around to discover the reason for this though I knew why he was doing it.

There was always only one reason when he stared like that.

And that reason had long blonde hair braided into a pigtail, was laughing with her friends about something as they walked through Neville's field of vision and going by the name of Hannah Abbott.

Hannah was the girl from Neville's Ancient runes class.

"Neville!"

I waved my hand up and down in front of his face.

"You're staring again."

Neville shook himself and looked at me questioningly.

"You've been staring at her again," I repeated myself.

"Why don't you ask her to go to Hogsmeade with you this weekend?

She seems really nice, I'm sure she won't say no."

"I wasn't staring," he tried to defend himself

"And she'll probably say no, her ex-boyfriend is McLaggen.

I can't compete with him in a hundred years."

I rolled my eyes.

I had had this conversation too many times in the last few weeks.

"Now stop comparing yourself to McLaggen.

There's a good reason why he's her ex.

Just ask her and if she says no she's a stupid cow."

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes.

"If I ask her right now and she says no, will you finally stop bugging me about it?"

"But only if she says no.

If she says yes, then you'll get to listen to some, I told you so."

"Yes well" he replied

"I'll ask her."

I clapped my hands joyfully and tried to hug my best friend across the table.


I couldn't concentrate on the lesson until lunch because all I could think about was whether Neville had really gone through with it and if so, what she had said.

I was drumming my fingers on the table top in the Great Hall when Neville sat down across from me.

"Aaaand?", I asked tensely.

He started grinning widely.

A squeak escaped me and this time I scrambled under the table to give him a proper hug.

"I told you she wouldn't say no," I teased, lightly punching him in the arm.

"Thanks for bugging me about it else I never would have done it."

"That's what best friends are for."


The last two lessons were Potions, like every Monday and like every time I didn't feel like it because I had to work with Malfoy.

But the letter from Grandpa kept diverting my thoughts away from the lessons.

I had blocked it out during the morning and was just happy for Neville, but now I had the time to think about it calmly.

I would be alone for Christmas, here at Hogwarts while all the other students went home.

Min would be here and maybe some of the professors but otherwise I would be alone.

No carols under the Christmas tree, no building snow statues in the garden and no Grandpa.

It would be a sad Christmas.

The first Christmas without Grandma and now without Grandpa, in a place that wasn't even my home.

No, it wouldn't be a sad Christmas, it would be the second worst Christmas ever.

"Are you crying Harper?" A hissing voice brought me out of my thoughts.

I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand and sure enough, a tear had strayed there.

"Am I glad I'm finally rid of you after next week. This is really pathetic."

Pathetic, that pretty much summed it up.

For the last few months I had been acting like my life was good, like everything was fine and normal but nothing had ever been normal in my life.

I realised that again now.

I was going to spend Christmas alone at Hogwarts. That was pathetic.

"Then leave me the hell alone in my pathetic existence and mind your own fucking business, Malfoy," I hissed back, glaring angrily at him.

Then I turned back to the front and tried to follow the lesson.

There was no answer from Malfoy.


"Due to the large number of students, you will only be writing a theory exam this term.

We will do the practical part together after the holidays and that will count towards your final grade," Professor Slughorn just explained.

That was good for me, I had always been better in theory than in practice and so I could prepare for the practical over the holidays.

"So you can prepare, the topic is love potions".

A murmur and groan went through the rows and I thanked Merlin that we would be brewing this potion after the Christmas holidays, meant no longer with Malfoy as a partner.


I spent the rest of the day studying and after dinner I quickly went to bed because I was tired.

At least that was the reason I gave Neville.

Actually, I sat on my bed and cried.

I was mourning every Christmas I'd ever had and crying for the one I'd lost this morning with the letter from Grandpa.

It felt incredibly good to cry, but I would not be able to sleep as upset as I was now.

My animagus had already made itself felt, because I had actually been sitting on my bed with cat ears the whole time.

That just happened with strong negative emotions, when I lost control of them like right now.


I let my bare feet disappear and exchanged them for little black paws.

As quietly as I was as a cat, I crept through the front door unnoticed and roamed the dark corridors.

I didn't need a light, because I could see perfectly well in the dark.

The wind whistling through the downstairs corridors was cold and when I looked outside I saw that it had started to snow.

I sat down on the window ledge and enjoyed the cold winter air.

Suddenly I heard a thump behind me and I turned around with a jerk.

A small girl, maybe 15, was stumbling after a tall boy who was walking upright as if someone had tied a broom to his back.

That could only be Malfoy, only I couldn't identify the small girl.

"Now just stop Draco," she called after him.

Draco, that's right that was his name.

I'd been calling him Malfoy in my head for the last few months and I'd forgotten that wasn't his first name.

He actually stopped and she was apparently as surprised by this as I was because she ran into him and they both fell to the ground.

A safe stand looks different, I thought and had to pull myself together not to laugh, because that would blow my cover.

The girl didn't really seem to mind that she was now on top of Malfoy and he on the floor, because she started kissing his neck and running her hands up and down his side.

After all cats could vomit, I'd do that in a minute if they didn't stop right now.

"Astoria stop it," Malfoy growled, but the small girl would not be swayed.

"You want it too, I can feel it."

She slid her hand from his side towards his centre.

By Merlin, why couldn't I just walk away, or at least not look?

That was disgusting, and in the middle of the hallway on the floor, in the cold.

Malfoy's arms had been lying stiffly beside him all this time but now he lifted them to Astoria's back and I braced myself for the worst as he pushed her off him and quickly got to his feet.

"You want this, our parents want this but I do NOT want this!", he shouted.

He straightened his shirt for a moment, turned on his heel and left me and Astoria more than confused.


What by all four founders of Hogwarts had that been???!!!

This situation couldn't have been weirder, I was sure of it.

Astoria had also picked herself up now and was stroking her hand through her long straight hair.

"I'm going to get you Draco Malfoy", she muttered.

Now I saw her in profile.

The moonlight illuminating her face.

She was beautiful, well not just pretty, no she was a really beautiful girl.

Long dark hair, fair skin, a small pointed nose and fantastically long eyelashes that casted shadows on her cheeks.

Whatever reason Malfoy had for dumping her, it couldn't have been her looks, because she was flawless.

Now I knew how Neville felt when he saw Hannah.

I stared at Astoria and couldn't take my eyes off her, she looked like something out of a painting.

I shook myself once for a moment.

This girl had just made out with Malfoy on the floor in front of me and I had nothing better to do than think how pretty she was?

And suddenly I felt incredibly ugly, no one would ever look at me the way I was looking at Astoria right now and think I had come out of a painting.

No one would stare at me like Neville did at Hannah.

And that truth hurt.

I wanted to sigh but cats couldn't do that either, what they could do was leave quickly and quietly to sneak back into their room.


Back in my bed I started to cry again.

The nightly walk had been supposed to help me sleep, but it had only made things worse.

"Don't grin like that, it makes you ugly."

Malfoy's words were haunting my mind again and there was nothing I could do about it.

And he was right, it probably did make me ugly.

My life was pathetic, I was pathetic and most of all I was alone.

Alone in a world where I didn't fit in, where I had to hide to be seen.

Where my best friend would soon have a girlfriend and I would spend my time reading books again.


A Girl Who Regrets Her Birth

Again, she feels that the world doesn't want her.

Again, she feels that no one truly loves her.

They just take advantage, nobody loves unconditionally.

Everyone thinks about themselves, don't they?

Who is she, that anybody would care enough about her?

She ist full of flaws.

She ist not interesting.

She regrets her birth.

If only she never existed.

If only she felt nothing.

If only she never had a mind or a soul or a body.

If only she never existed.

At the end, she will always be alone, regretting her birth.