Chapter 29

Her appointment with Jussac was imminent. The daily routine had kept d'Artagnan busy and distracted, but now she was waiting outside the door to the study for several minutes and yet could not bring herself to knock. The corridor was deserted, the bell had long since struck for the last change of guards. Candles and oil lamps had been lit with the setting of the sun, there was no one around who could have accused d'Artagnan of indecision, except for herself.

The decision to muster enough courage to knock was taken away from her when suddenly the door was yanked open and Jussac almost bumped into her as he rushed out. Just in time he swerved and exclaimed, »There you are!«

D'Artagnan lowered her arms she had raised defensively before she could be run down by the lieutenant, and cleared her throat. »Am I too late?«

»Indeed!« Jussac frowned. »I was just about to- sent someone go look for you,« he hastily corrected himself, suspecting that female empathy has nevertheless understood him perfectly right. Before d'Artagnan could even blink about his urge to find her, he snapped at her, »How long have you been standing here?«

»Not very long,« she muttered half aloud and just as easily seen through. Jussac left it at that and took a step aside to let her enter.

Stiff-legged, d'Artagnan accepted the invitation. She was not the only one tense before this conversation, Jussac could also imagine more pleasant things to do. He immediately took refuge behind his desk, while d'Artagnan chose the chair with the green upholstery. Before an uncomfortable silence could spread, Jussac reached for the saving anchor of duty. »How did your first day as a lieutenant go?«

»Quiet. The men are slightly stricken from yesterday, but there have been no specific incidents.«

»They have accepted you,« Jussac stated, and d'Artagnan mustered all her courage.

»And you?«

»Me too.« It wasn't just the confirmation that was important, but the way Jussac said it; without hesitation, without long explanations. His reward was a relieved laugh that drove away all worry and anxiety. »Really?«

Jussac rolled his eyes. »Now, you do indeed sound quite like a woman. Always doubting my words! 'Really?' 'Are you sure?' 'But it could also be...!'«

He must have been aping d'Artagnan rather well, she grinned caught. »Sometimes, nature takes over.«

The tense atmosphere between them was finally dispelled. Jussac leaned back and eyed his counterpart inquiringly. »Are you now reassured and will speak frankly to me?«

»What do you want to know?«

»I want to hear your story. Told by yourself, not by those who have known you longer and better, not from reports and service assessments. I want to know who you really are, beyond your achievements as a soldier.«

»You're asking very personal details. Does every new officer undergo this interrogation?«

»No, and I will not force or threaten you. No matter how our conversation goes, you will remain first lieutenant. But you and I must not only respect but trust each other.«

»I see.« D'Artagnan's fears suddenly seemed very silly and completely unnecessary to her. What has she expected Jussac to decide about her remaining in the Red Guard? If he had really wanted to chase her away in disgrace, that would have happened this morning. No, he had only needed time to understand the truth and to be able to deal with it. »I've already confided in you today what few know,« she said. »You promised me your silence and accepted me. Now you no longer want to talk about me, but with me. I appreciate that.«

»It's only fair to listen to you. Even though I ask a great deal.«

»It is not easy, indeed. In return, you could tell me about yourself.« D'Artagnan smirked. »I'd be just as eager to learn more, but not through the way of your wife and my landlady, as it usually happens.«

Jussac stared with little enthusiasm and guessed that d'Artagnan was only half joking. Women! Gossip everywhere, even among those who wanted to be like proper men! »Yes, we should talk about that too. Your story is likely to be far more interesting, but agreed. You may begin.«

And d'Artagnan began. It became a very long evening, with astonishment, with questions, but also amused grins. At first, the conversation resembled a completely prosaic account of both their careers. But little by little, anecdotes wove themselves in and they exchanged personal experiences. They were not dissimilar in their opinions about service and everything that went alongside it. In the end, two officers had come to know each other in their perspectives and characters enough to gain trust in each other.

The bottle of Anjou wine was completely emptied when Jussac remembered one last thing that has kept him brooding all day. »What did you mean, you should have left but stayed?«

D'Artagnan leaned comfortably in the chair. However unpleasant it had been for her to reveal her story, it had also been liberating. Jussac was a kind listener who did not interrupt her at the difficult, sometimes embarrassing parts, who did not reproach her. That's why she confessed frankly, »I was freed from my troublesome fiancé. There was no longer any reason to stay in hiding. I should have left before-« She sighed, leaving the sentence unfinished before she would have felt guilty about romantic feelings towards her again. »But I stayed because there were things here, people, that I didn't want to leave behind. Friendship, liberty, adventure, a very different life than the provinces would ever have offered.«

»Blood, dirt, mortal danger.« Jussac frowned. »Why do you do this to yourself, and that as a woman? Why don't you find a decent man and raise a family? I have a family myself...«

D'Artagnan snorted. That was a question that truly only a man could ask who was attached to his world view and found it deeply shaken at the same time. »Ask your wife about blood, dirt and mortal danger at the birth of the next child of yours.«

»That's something completely diff-!« Jussac interrupted himself and said with philosophical seriousness, »Some things are by nature entirely reserved for women, others only for men.«

»Some things a man cannot accomplish, no matter how strong-willed he is, but a woman can. You need not keep me poor, little maiden from the miseries of the battlefields. It's too late for that. I've never been suitable as a governess or court dame, certainly not as a virtuous wife.«

»How would you know without ever having tried?«

»I'm not a good match for anyone.«

»That's not what Tréville thought.«

»Do you not speak of decent men? Those who don't have a different sweetheart on hand every month and drop the previous one stone cold because they've grown bored of her?« D'Artagnan waved it off before her specious argument could be doubted. »I didn't know.«

»So you said. I'm trying to understand why, of all the possibilities, you chose this life.«

»It went well for ten years, I never thought about whether it might end one day. Haven't I proved my capabilities enough to leave it at that? I may not be a man, I could never defeat Bernajoux in a fist fight. But any other guardsman would fail at that as well.«

»If you put your mind to it, you could bring down any of the men, and they would gladly acquiesce in it,« Jussac showed an acute sense of humour.

D'Artagnan laughed out loud, as she would not have dared weeks ago or would have felt any pleasure at all at the joke. »So you don't consider me even more holy than Blessed Virgin Mary?«

»I consider you experienced enough in every way to also use the feminine wiles successfully.«

»If that's your concern, rest assured; the guardsmen will not fall victim to friendly fire.«

»If they do nevertheless, you will be able to separate private from public.«

»As you can do, as a friend and superior, when it comes to giving commands? How surprisingly blunt!«

»You're not the only person in the world good for a surprise.« Jussac shrugged. »I'm getting used to you. You'll get used to having a new captain. One with different views.«

»And intentions,« d'Artagnan added with an irony that was meant to ridicule the subject and thus end it. If that was not enough of a sign, she now stretched and yawned behind her hand. It was getting late, the candles were almost burned down.

Jussac granted the unspoken request. »Enough for today.«

D'Artagnan nodded. An honest smile stole onto her features after all the evasive answers and diversionary manoeuvres to the question of her motives and supposed amours. »Thank you for the frank conversation.«

She meant what she said and Jussac replied just as sincerely, »Anytime, Lieutenant.«

End of Part I - Fighting a Lost Cause