Dear Ma, Da, Misha and Mal,
I have met the king twice now. The Darkling says I'm not allowed to write what I actually think about him in a letter so you will have to use your imaginations. But I think I am allowed to say I don't like court. The people there are very rude and keep trying to talk to me. Some of them call me a saint which I don't like because I'm not one. Apart from that I like it here. I have good friends and I learn a lot.
I hope there are not too many raids and the money you get sent for me is enough. Maybe you can fix the holes in the roof and get Misha some proper shoes. I've sent more of that leg ointment for you, Da. Misha, there's another book for you, and Ma there's also more fabric and patterns. The new hat is for Mal.
From Alina.
Alina had enjoyed her time running wild in the Grand Palace with Nikolai, yet it was still a surprise when he turned up at the Little Palace a few days later. One of her guards, Boris, announced him with a knock on her door.
"Your chambers are nearly as big as mine," The prince stepped over the threshold, glancing around her rooms. "Do all Grisha live like royalty, or are you truly the Darkling's little favourite?" His smirk told her he was joking.
She scowled nonetheless. "He says it befits the Sun Summoner to have her own chambers,"
"Or doesn't want you making too many friends," Nikolai said with a knowing look. "Especially with people you may one day command,"
Despite the rather grim outlook, which was definitely correct, Alina's scowl turned to a grin. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so. I'm surprised he let you in to see me, actually,"
"He didn't. The guards did," He said with the lazy air of a satisfied royal. "The Darkling is currently meeting with my father's advisors at the Grand Palace. And I'm quite hard to say no to, you know. Even if I wasn't a prince,"
"Saints," She laughed. "He'll throw a fit if he finds out. This is his private wing. Come on, let's not be here when he comes back,"
Alina seized Nikolai's arm and dragged him out of her rooms, down the hallway, and out into the palace.
"Can you give me a tour?" The prince asked, eyeing everything they passed with interest. "I've always wanted to learn the secrets of the Little Palace and spill them to the court,"
She elbowed him in the ribs. "Shut up. People don't know you're joking,"
"I could have you flogged for assaulting a prince," The laughter in his eyes said otherwise.
"I'd burn you to death before you had a chance,"
"I knew I liked you," Nikolai chuckled. "No one else is so refreshingly honest,"
"There won't be any consequences," Alina said, a little sourly. "I always get milder punishments than all my friends. I think he's trying to turn them against me," She glanced over her shoulder at the oprichniki and royal guards trailing some distance behind. "Tell that to whoever you like, I don't care. I've said it to his face,"
Nikolai stayed for a few more hours, then slipped away before the Darkling returned with instructions to come and see him in the future. The Darkling found out he'd been there, of course - whilst they were her guards, they were his really - and was not pleased yet could do little to stop a prince doing as he wished. And likely knew that if Nikolai was banned from the Little Palace, Alina would attempt to sneak out herself.
"Be careful, Alina," The man warned her. "Do not let a girlish infatuation with a prince lead you astray,"
She pulled a disgusted face; she wasn't quite sure what infatuated meant, but she understood the tone. "Don't say that. I'm not infatunated with Nikolai. I don't fancy him or anything,"
"Infatuated," He corrected. "Remember that you are still young, and beware of any feelings that grow for that boy. Growing up in a border village means that I do not have to explain the dangers that men pose to girls who can't say no,"
"Nikolai is a boy. A skinny otkazat'sya boy," Alina said, scornful. "He would never do anything like that. And if I tried, I can say no. Even if I couldn't summon the sun, I'd snap his arm if he tried anything,"
"I don't doubt you would," He smiled slightly, placing a hand under her chin to tilt her face up to look at him. "But Alina? Remember that no man deserves you. No one, otkazat'sya or Grisha, not even a prince, is your equal,"
"But you said you were?" She said, confused, then frowned. Oh. She felt her face heat up.
He let the silence sit for a moment, observing her. Then smiled, and changed the subject entirely.
Being born a peasant, Alina did not have a birthday. The only thing her family had to keep track of the passing of the year were the seasons and positions of stars in the sky. All she knew was that she was born in the early autumn, around harvest time. Not that anyone in the Inner City concerned themselves with the harvest.
Genya, upon learning this, had been horrified and designated their next free day as Alina's eleventh birthday. It was a very pleasant day, overall. She hadn't told any of her other friends it was her makeshift birthday, but they had unanimously agreed to go to the lakeside. The weather was starting to get colder but there was enough of the warm summer sun left over to take the edge off the biting air.
Viktor and Nina were in the water immediately, of course, swimming deftly, splashing each other and squabbling. Katya soon went to join them, to retaliate for them being responsible for getting water on her book. That left Alina and Zoya lounging on the bank.
"Aren't you coming in, Alina?" Nina called to her.
"I can't swim," She replied, then immediately regretted it.
"You can't swim?" Zoya raised a judgemental eyebrow.
"I don't see you getting in the lake," She shot back.
"I didn't fancy getting soaking wet and acting like a fool," The girl sniffed.
"Saints, you're such a princess,"
"Alina, come on, I can teach you to swim," Viktor said.
"I don't trust you," She said. "Knowing you, I'll end up half-drowned, and you'd just think it was funny. And besides, I'm fine here,"
All her friends looked confused at that.
"You're normally up for anything!" Nina cried out, dismayed. "What's wrong with swimming? It's not too hard, and the lake isn't that deep near the shore. I can touch the bottom with my feet,"
"Why don't you pester Zoya?" Alina grumbled. "All she had to do was say something mean and you left her alone,"
"You're easier to convince," Viktor said. "Come on, you can dry yourself in minutes with your light,"
But Alina would not move. It was only a year ago since she had become comfortable with warm baths, and even then she could not submerge her head under the water. The lake water was cold. It would be humiliating to have a moment here, in front of everyone. Saints, she couldn't let them know she was afraid of something as stupid as water.
"Just take your shoes off and paddle," Katya suggested, which she couldn't really argue against. She truly was pathetic if she couldn't handle being up to her ankles in water. So Alina agreed, kicked off her shoes and stockings, and waded slowly into the lake. The familiar panic rose in her chest, but she gritted her teeth and made her go in enough that her feet were covered, at least. It wasn't so bad, in the end, but the moment her friends started splashing again she got back out and returned to Zoya.
That evening, Genya brought a little tray of cakes to Alina's room, each one beautifully decorated with tiny, colourful flowers made of sugar icing.
"Where's this from?" Alina's eyes widened. She had never eaten anything so fine in her life. Certainly not in Temgora, and the food at the Little Palace was intentionally plain.
"I took it from the Grand Palace kitchens," Her friend said. "The queen won't miss one small tray. Happy birthday, Alina,"
After hugging Genya tightly and insisting she ate at least half of the cakes, Alina swore to herself to remember when her friend's birthday was and do something equally as kind.
"Oh," Genya remembered suddenly, reaching into her kefta pocket. "When he realised it was your birthday, Prince Nikolai told me to give you this,"
Curious, Alina reached out to take the small book from her, only to burst out laughing at the title. "How to behave in polite company: A young lady's pocket book of etiquette and manners," She read. "He's got to be joking,"
"Well, you can't say you don't need it," Her friend said. "Your manners are shocking,"
She grinned. "Good,"
The next day was not nearly so pleasant. Alina trailed behind the Darkling as they entered the Grand Palace; the queen had summoned her for a private audience, which she was looking forward to about as much as her own execution. They were unfortunately waylaid within seconds of crossing the threshold.
"Miss Starkova. General," The Apparat swooped out of the shadows, his address of Alina before the Darkling a clear slight.
"Alina is due to meet with the queen," The Darkling's tone was cold. "Neither of us have time for your preaching,"
The Apparat ignored him, turning to her with a smile that could only be described as slimy. "I merely wished to continue our conversation from the ball, after you had to leave so suddenly," She felt the Darkling's eyes narrow and ignored it. "The importance of you attending my church services can not be emphasised enough. I'm sure you are aware by now, Alina, that there are people out there who offer prayers to you - "
"What?" Her eyes widened in alarm, "Why? I'm not a real saint,"
The Darkling's stare was narrowed on the Apparat. "By people, you mean a select few of your best fanatics," He said coldly. "Alina is a Grisha. A unique Grisha, yes, but not a saint. She has no need for a cult of sycophants,"
"The people will worship who they choose," The man tried to sound humble. "If they see the holiness of the Sun Saint, there is little I can do to stop them,"
"So I suppose if a cult sprung up naming me as a saint, you would stand back and let them worship the shadows?"
The Apparat visibly recoiled. "Of course not. With all due respect, your powers are tied to the same evil that made the Fold. It would be heresy to even suggest such a thing,"
"Of course," The Darkling's lip curled. "Regardless, Alina will not be dancing to your whims. It is up to her if she chooses to attend church - "
"I don't want to," She said immediately.
" - and as you can see, she does not wish to," He didn't seem to mind the interruption. "She is also a child of eleven. Not a living saint to be paraded through the grasping masses for the sake of promoting your own power. So stop spreading stories of Sankta Alina - yes, I know it is you doing it - and leave the girl to grow up without the fear of being martyred by your insane followers,"
Alina really did not like the Apparat's smile.
"All saints must suffer, Darkling," He said. "From their sacrifice, miracles are born,"
"No," The shadows in the room flared, and the guards shifted uncomfortably. "The saints were Grisha, who committed selfless acts using the small science. Their ignorant otkazat'sya neighbours took these acts as miracles and bled them dry to perform it again. Your saints were merely my people, murdered for their gifts, and worshiped by their killers,"
The look on the Apparat's face as he spluttered out 'heresy' and 'disgrace' made Alina laugh despite herself, as the Darkling placed an arm on her shoulder and led her away.
That conversation had disturbed her far more than she let on, however. So much so that she was distant throughout their private lunch with the queen, and did not even rise to the veiled insults and blatant criticism.
"You conducted yourself well today," The Darkling said as they left the queen's parlour, a hand on her back.
That made her smile at least, albeit bitterly. She may have conducted herself well, but that was only because she was in too much inner turmoil to have any less-than-polite thoughts that needed voicing. She was barely paying attention at all. Maybe that was the key to getting through court?
Alina made a beeline for the library the moment they returned to the Little Palace, calling for the old librarian. "Konstantin! Konstantin, I need you to help me find something,"
"What is it?" The old man shuffled out from behind a row of shelves, face twisting in concern. "What's gotten you so upset, child?"
"I need a book about how all the saints got martyred,"
He looked doubtful. "Are you sure that will help you?"
"Yes!" She fought to keep herself from shouting. "Yes. Please,"
The man did not seem convinced but obliged, perhaps knowing that she would find a way of getting that book regardless of whether he agreed or not. Konstantin retrieved a large book and laid it out on one of the tables for her, saying sternly, "I'll give you an hour to torture yourself, Alina. No longer than that,"
Alina didn't really know why she wanted to look. The idea of being a saint was sickening, and the fact there was a cult of people out there praying to her made her feel like running as far as she could, away, away, away. It certainly didn't bring her any joy to flick through pages and pages of gory illustrations and descriptions. Sankt Ilya, drowned in chains; Sankta Anastasia, drained to a bloodless husk; Sankt Feliks, skewered on an apple tree; Sankt Demyan, stoned to death. These were painted as tragedies, yet their deaths were celebrated regardless.
What would they say about Sankta Alina?
The question dwelled on her mind so much that later that night, Alina awoke screaming. She was used to nightmares. The worst ones featured being trapped in a small space with blood dripping through floorboards above her head, or having her head forced underwater, or the gory horrors of war that every child in her village had grown up with. Back in Temgora, her father scolded her for waking everyone up in the night, or hit her depending on his mood, and Alina had soon learned to keep quiet even in her sleep no matter how bad her dreams were.
That night she dreamed of a crowd. They were worshipping her, kneeling, singing, weeping, reaching up with grasping hands, prostrating themselves. This was even worse than being trapped underground; being trapped in a suffocating mass of people. The worshippers pressed in closer and closer, tighter and tighter, suddenly all carrying long daggers, and began to stab her all at once, with cries of 'sankta'. In the dream Alina screamed, and woke up screaming too.
Immediately there was a rush of footsteps outside, and the door to her chambers burst open.
"What is it, Alina?" An oprichnik, Arkady, hurried to her side as Boris scanned the room for any sign of a threat.
"It's fine," She sat up, embarrassed, legs curled up under her nightdress. "Just a dream. Sorry, I don't usually scream,"
"Not to worry," The man said cheerily. "It breaks up standing outside a door all night," He reached to clasp her shoulder in comfort. "Your bad dream must have been horrible - you're not scared of much,"
"It was horrible," Alina agreed in a small voice. "I - " She broke off as a tall figure appeared at the door.
"Leave us," The Darkling had evidently been working in his study, for he still wore his black kefta. Did the man even sleep? It seemed wrong to picture him in a nightshirt.
Arkady gave her a comforting smile, but got to his feet without question. "Sleep well, Alina," He and Boris then left.
"I really am fine," She said to the Darkling, avoiding his gaze. "I don't want to bother everyone," She didn't want so many people thinking she was a pathetic child.
"You're still shaking," To her surprise he moved to sit on her bed. "What was your dream about?"
"What the Apparat said got in my head. I dreamed the cult turned me into a martyr," The words spilled from her lips before she could stop them. "They were all calling me sankta, which I hated, then they decided I wasn't a very good saint after all and I would be better off dead. They all had knives, and I screamed. Then I woke up,"
There was a pause.
"Most children are simply afraid of the dark," His tone was wry.
She snorted despite herself, summoning a small ball of light that lit up the room. "Why would I be afraid of the dark?"
"Quite," The Darkling smiled. The small light in the dark cast his face in an odd shadow, all angles and hollows. "I used to be, believe it or not,"
"No you weren't," She scoffed.
"I was. I would tell you to ask my mother, if she were still alive," Liar, she is alive. "She often scolded me for loving the sunlight and fearing my own powers," Oddly that did not sound like a lie. It did sound like Baghra.
"That's funny, but it doesn't help me," Alina said. "You control the darkness. I can't control people who call me a saint. Or try to stab me,"
"You killed those Druskelle," He pointed out. "As your powers grow, you will be able to fight off any number of people trying to stab you,"
"Well I can't yet. There were lots of them,"
"Then in the meantime, I will fight them off for you," The Darkling said. "When you sleep, I am across the hall. When you go to court, I am at your side. When you have lessons, you are surrounded by powerful Grisha who would protect you with their lives. I promise, Alina, whilst you are at the Little Palace you have nothing to fear,"
"I suppose," Alina said. "Could you do the amplifier thing, please?" It always calmed her down, from him. Strange, as whenever other amplifiers touched her - like Oktai and Maria - it just fired her up even more. Perhaps he knew how to do it on purpose. She wouldn't put it past him.
"Of course. Lie down," She did so, getting back under the covers, and he pressed a large palm to her forehead. Waves of surety and calm passed through her, and her eyelids began to droop.
"Thank you," She yawned. "You can go now. I'm eleven now, not a baby who can't sleep alone,"
"No one dismisses me quite like you do," He said, though seemed amused. "Goodnight, Alina,"
Alina really is quite traumatised, as any child would be. Kids get irrational fears all the time - at that age, my sister couldn't sleep for weeks because our cousin had his tonsils out and my sister was terrified that she had tonsillitis - so god knows how bad it would be when the fear is actually grounded in anything. On a lighter note, I love Genya and Alina's friendship; yes, she might have her other friends who she has lots of fun with, but she does relax a bit more around Genya and lets herself be more soft and vulnerable. Also, how did I do writing Nikolai? He's a hard character to get right haha. Thanks for reading - please leave a comment even just a few words!
