Breathlessly I stood in front of a large door that was the entrance to the Slytherin common rooms.
I tried to open it but it was locked.
Cursed, a password, I thought.
"Pureblood. Elite. Salazar. Snake. Basilisk. Mudblood," I rattled off the first words that came to mind.
Nothing happened.
Cursed dragon crap.
"Chamber of secrets," I tried more than one word and sure enough, the door burst open.
So cliché, I thought and hurried through the dark rooms.
I heard a whimper and I followed it.
I followed the whimpering to a bedroom where the sounds were coming from the enclosed bathroom.
I slowly pushed the door open and saw Malfoy sitting in a corner on the floor with a shard in his hand, probably from the broken mirror I spotted on the wall.
"Malfoy," I said quietly and he lifted his head, which he had hidden behind his knees and looked at me out of furious eyes.
Furious was the only word I could think of to describe them but it really didn't do it justice.
I couldn't describe what I saw in his eyes, maybe it was anger, or hatred or disgust.
I didn't know but I was afraid of it and if I was afraid of it, he was even more so.
"Fuck off Harper", he hissed at me.
I crouched down to be at his eye level and slowly crawled towards him on all fours.
"Give me the shard Malfoy, please", I tried timidly to ward off the danger.
He only clutched the mirror shard more and I carefully crawled a little further so that I was now right next to him.
"Please Malfoy", I tried again and put my hand on his holding the shard.
"Don't touch me!" he roared, shaking my hand off.
I should have given up. That would have been the easier option but Min was right, I was a carer and I couldn't just leave him sitting here like this.
He reminded me of the injured animals that Grandpa always took care of and I often helped.
Many were aggressive just like Malfoy now but really they were just scared and if you went carefully and slowly they would allow you to help them.
I would approach Malfoy like a wounded animal, so I knew what I had to do.
Making eye contact
It was important to look the injured animal creature in the eye and show that you were not a thread.
"Malfoy", I began but he didn't lift his head.
"Malfoy look at me", I repeated myself more firmly this time and he obeyed.
I looked into his eyes that had sparkled at me angryly so many times before but now there was no sparkle in them at all, they were dull and empty and even the anger or whatever it was I had just seen was gone.
"Please give me the shard, you're going to hurt yourself."
I spoke calmly but firmly, not breaking our eye contact for a tiny moment. My hand was back on his and the shard and I could feel his was no longer so tense.
He loosened his grip.
If I kept this up, he would soon let go of the shard.
"Please." I sounded almost pleading but still he held the shard.
My next move was risky, either it would work and I was about to hold the weapon in my hand or it would completely backfire and he would push me away and I would have lost all access to him.
The latter was more likely but I had no other choice. Malfoy was impulsive, he could change his mood at any second.
I just had to try.
"Let go of the shard, please, ...Draco."
I had never used his first name before.
For a long time I hadn't even known what his first name was, to me he had always just been Malfoy. But Draco was more personal and I hoped that had the desired effect.
And then I felt something cold and sharp in my Hand and I knew it had worked.
I didn't want to let this success show though and just kept looking at him. I could see a slight sparkle in his eyes again and his next comment reassured me a little.
"Don't ever call me that Harper again. Still Malfoy to you."
That was what I needed, a snarky comment that showed me that the worst was over for both of us.
"I wasn't planning on it Malfoy. But drastic situations call for drastic measures."
The shard in my hand cut into my flesh and I realised that Malfoy's hand must be hurt too.
I threw the shard to the other end of the room and thus out of his reach.
With my uninjured hand I turned his that had been holding the shard and looked at the cuts in his palm.
I wasn't good at healing spells but I could do that but I would have to draw my wand and that would surely be considered an attack by Malfoy so I left his hand like that and moved further next to him.
Now we both sat with our backs against the wall and were silent. There was no reason for me to start a conversation, if Malfoy wanted to talk, he would have to start.
And indeed he did at some point.
"What are you doing here Harper?" broke the silence.
"Caring," I answered truthfully and that seemed to be enough of an answer for him.
"But why?" he asked after a while as if he had to think about whether he wanted to hear the answer.
"You needed help", was my short answer. "And I'll stay until you don't need it any more", I added, expecting a direct contradiction but he remained silent.
"You shouldn't waste your help on someone like me", he whispered but he was aware that I could hear.
I didn't expect that from him. I expected him to throw me out or insult me or something but not to put himself down like that.
"I don't think it was wasted."
"Then you're pretty naive." He sounded more sad than annoyed.
"Possibly", I replied and there was silence again for a few moments.
This time I interrupted the silence
"At Hogwarts, help is given to anyone who asks for it", I quoted Albus Dumbledore.
Min quoted him often and I found this quote very appropriate here.
"But it shouldn't", Malfoy countered, "I'm not worth it."
That little sentence explained almost everything I needed to know.
Why he had lain in the prefects bathroom yesterday. Why he didn't wanted the emergency button and why he was sitting here now.
He didn't think he was worth anything, that he didn't deserve help.
And I knew exactly how he felt because I thought about myself similarly. I wasn't worthy of having such a great best friend like Neville where everything I did was a huge lie.
"I don't see it that way and the people who love you certainly don't either."
I thought this sentence would help him but it had the exact opposite effect.
He buried his head behind his knees again and I heard him mumble, "Nobody loves me".
Instinctively and without thinking about it I raised my hand and stroked his back.
I shouldn't say anything else, it only made things worse, but I could hear him pulling himself together not to cry.
"You can cry, it's okay. I won't tell anyone either, mountain troll's word of honour."
I was completely serious, but I didn't expect him to actually do it.
He started to sob and quite loudly. I pulled him to me and took him in my arms.
It was absolutely strange and even if I had wanted to, I would not have been able to explain this to anyone.
I sat on the floor by Draco Malfoy in the bathroom and he cried bitterly while I held him comfortingly.
He was having a breakdown. Too much at once and no time to process anything.
I knew this too well, I had had a few breakdowns since my grandma died and I had always been glad when someone had been there.
I continued to stroke his back with my hand and could feel the scars I had seen yesterday under his thin shirt.
There were many and they must have been deep and I wondered if they were from his father.
He had dreamt about him last night and he had forced him to wear the Dark Mark, so I saw it as possible that he beat his son.
I felt sorry for Malfoy, the guy who had caused me so many problems but this Malfoy wasn't here right now.
He had taken off that façade and the one who was lying here in my arms and crying was Draco.
And as much as I hated Malfoy most of the time, Draco needed my help just as much.
I didn't know how long we sat like that on the floor but it felt long.
Malfoy had calmed down and was now lying with his head on my legs.
"If you tell anyone about this I'll kill you", came from him at one point and I couldn't help laughing slightly.
"I expected no less from you Malfoy. And besides, no one would believe me anyway."
"You shouldn't have done that. You should have left when I said so", he admonished me but made no move to get up and throw me out.
"I didn't want to and you needed someone, even if you don't want to admit it. I'm certainly not the best but I'm the only one I can offer you right now or I'll get Professor McGonnagal", I offered.
"Nah leave it, you'll be fine."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"You should, it'll be the only one you ever get from me."
"That sounded like a threat", I laughed.
"It was", he said flippantly but I could sense a hint of amusement in his voice.
I yawned.
"You should get some sleep Harper. A little beauty sleep couldn't hurt you."
I snorted.
"Well, thank you very much. But I won't be able to sleep like this anyway," I replied.
"But you should sleep too, Professor McGonnagal will kill you if she overhears you're not getting enough rest", I added admonishingly.
"I can't sleep once I close my eyes..."
He didn't speak any further but I knew what the problem was because I had had the same thing last night and if I hadn't been so dead tired today probably would have too.
"As soon as I close my eyes I see you lying in your own blood and my hands full of it.
I can't do anything but stare at my hands and at you, just to see your breathing getting shallower and shallower until it stops.
I start to scream but no one can hear me.
I break out of my stupor and try to wake you up but you are cold and I know it's too late but I don't want to admit it. Don't want to believe that I failed, that I couldn't do anything but sit there and then I wake up."
I had tears in my eyes as I told Malfoy about my dream last night and I had to swallow hard because that image of Malfoy spreaded out in front of my inner eye again and I got goosebumps.
"It was you and I had been wondering how the old McGonnagal found me."
"I heard your scream", I said monotonously as I remembered it.
"That shouldn't have happened", he said and I was momentarily confused.
"I have pretty good ears and it was quite loud", I tried to explain myself.
Malfoy straightened up and looked me straight in the eye.
"That's not what I mean Harper. It shouldn't have happened, someone finding me, helping me. I shouldn't have survived that."
I swallowed.
I had been aware that he had unleashed the curse on purpose but it was the first time anyone had said it out loud.
"It was luck," I said carefully.
"LUCK!" he shouted. "It wasn't luck! Luck would have been if it had worked but it didn't, we made a mistake!"
"We?", I asked confused.
"Felix Felicis, it didn't work. I drank it and then whatever you do succeeds but as you can see I'm still here."
He was really angry and realised how fucking serious he was about taking his own life.
"It's liquid luck and you got lucky and more than once.
I heard the scream. Found you. Stopped the bleeding. Professor McGonnagal discovered it was a curse. She found the book and was able to cast the counter curse early. The counter curse worked. And we quickly found a blood donor with a matching blood type for you", I enumerated, skilfully omitting who the blood donor was.
"That was pretty lucky if you ask me."
He looked at me, aghast.
"But I didn't want that luck, I wanted to die!"
The sparkle in his eyes was back and I wanted to avert my gaze from his eyes but I couldn't. Those eyes wanted to die.
"Who was the blood donor?" Malfoy demanded in a firm voice and I was almost afraid of him.
Gone was the vulnerable Draco, now Malfoy sat before me again.
"A pureblood from the village. But I don't remember his name", I told the story I had told Min to tell him when he asked.
I hoped fervently that he couldn't see my lie.
"Don't lie to me Harper, who did the blood come from?!" His voice was strong and authoritative and there was nothing to show that he had had a breakdown just a few minutes ago.
He saw that I was lying and that was not good. I couldn't tell him who the blood came from, it would be too dangerous for me and for him.
"I don't know", I lied again, this time in a firmer voice, trying to sound convincing. He still didn't seem to buy it.
His look became even angrier and he grabbed my face with both hands and came so close to mine with his that our noses were almost touching.
"You're going to tell me who the blood running through my veins came from." He sounded calmer than before but that scared me even more.
I swallowed.
"Say it!" he shouted, spitting in my face.
"Mine", I said in a firm voice, looking deep into his eyes.
I realised it was stupid to tell him but this way he was distracted enough for me to draw my wand with my thankfully free hands and I held it to his chest.
He said nothing in response to my confession so I continued.
"My blood flows through your veins and my wand is pointed at your chest. You should think very carefully about your next move."
He let go of my face and backed away.
"That's not possible", was the first thing he said and I was amazed at how calmly it came from him.
"It is, otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here."
My wand was still pointed at him.
He seemed to be thinking and realising what I had said and what it meant.
"I have dirty mud blood in my veins", he muttered.
"Dirty half-blood, if you please", I corrected him, revealing my actual blood status for the first time.
"Half-blood?" he asked, looking at me in confusion.
"Amazed? You just assumed my parents weren't magical. Wrong thinking, my dear."
I was annoyed with him and I let him feel it.
"I'm a fucking half-blood now!" he yelled, slamming his fist into the wall.
"Half ungrateful, arrogant asshole, half mountain troll. Congratulations you are the first of your kind. Don't let anyone else want to dissect you", I hissed at him.
He really was obnoxious, anyone else would have thanked me for saving their life but not Draco Malfoy.
I regretted following the scream yesterday. I should have just ignored it then none of this would have happened and I would have had a reasonably normal Christmas.
I should have just left him when I saw who he was, it would have saved me a lot of trouble.
"Why did you do this to me?" he asked in a calm tone and I was no longer surprised at how quickly he could switch between emotions.
"Because I'm not a fucking murderer!" I shouted and I wasn't as calm as he was for a long time.
I had to take a deep breath so that my animagus wouldn't come out right away. I was so angry.
He was so ungrateful, I had saved his life twice and he had nothing better to do than ask me how I could do that to him.
But my answer to his question had been the truth. I did not want to be responsible for his death. That's why I had stopped his bleeding and offered myself as a blood donor.
"I wanted to die!" he shouted again, "I didn't want you to save me, I didn't want anyone to save me at all!"
"Next time leave a note if you don't want someone to save your little fucking life. But I sure as hell won't!"
I stood up. I was tired of all this. I wasn't supposed to be here. Min should be taking care of him, not me.
I should be in my bed sleeping, not sitting with this arrogant puke.
I was almost out of the bathroom when Malfoy called me back.
"Harper, wait. Stay."
It wasn't really a call, it was soft but not whispery, almost pleading.
"What?", I blurted back, still annoyed.
"You actually saved my little fucking life. I owe you one."
"You don't owe me anything, that was my own stupid decision and I will learn from that mistake."
"I'm glad it was you who found me. Anyone else would have left me there. I know that's actually what I wanted but if someone has to save my shitty little life then I'm grateful it was you."
He was still speaking softly and if it wasn't for my enhanced vision I wouldn't have even seen him in the dark bathroom but I saw him sitting there on the floor with a still bloody hand, completely devastated with dishevelled hair.
He was broken.
All the fear and anger I had had seconds ago vanished. In this condition he was no one to be afraid of, even if he wanted to, he would have been no danger to me.
He had no strength, not even to stand up, he just sat there and I swallowed all my pride.
He was a wounded animal, helpless and harmless, nothing I could hate, no matter what he had said or done.
And at that moment I understood for the first time why Grandpa always wanted to help every creature.
"I don't plan on having to do it again", I said honestly and went back into the bathroom and squatted in front of Malfoy.
"And I won't do it again", I threatened, looking him seriously in the eye.
He nodded.
"You need to go to bed", I said, holding out my hand to him. He took it and straightened up.
Slowly he walked out of the bathroom and sat on his bed. I followed him and on my way out I made all the broken pieces of the mirror in the bathroom disappear.
Malfoy looked down at his hand in which he had been holding the shard and I, who still had her wand in my hand, held it to the wounds. They closed quickly and I made the blood disappear in the same breath.
"Sitting on the bed doesn't count, you need to lie down and at least try to sleep."
He obeyed and I was about to turn and leave him alone when he grabbed my arm.
"I meant it Harper, I want you to stay here."
"Here?", I asked confused, not quite understanding what he wanted from me.
"If I have another nightmare you can wake me up soon enough", he explained himself.
"You want me to stay here, in your room, and wake you up when you have a nightmare?!"
I still wasn't sure I had understood him correctly. But he nodded.
"Fine," I said and sat down next to his bed. He turned around.
"I can't sleep", came not two minutes later.
I moaned.
"Close your eyes and think of something nice. I don't know what do you like to do?"
"Quiddich", he replied quickly.
"Good, then think of the best quiddich game you've ever had. The more detailed the better. Try it and I don't want to hear another sound. For he who talks cannot sleep."
He really didn't say another word but I heard him tossing and turning.
I sighed again.
As long as he wasn't asleep I couldn't even think about closing my eyes because I certainly wouldn't sleep sitting on the floor like that.
It reminded me of the situation last night with Malfoy on the sofa and I remembered what had been the reason why he had calmed down.
It was in my room, of course, and I wouldn't be able to reach it, so there was only one other solution.
I didn't normaly sang when people were listening to me. Min had only overheard it and Malfoy hadn't noticed last time anyway.
But what the hell", I thought to myself and began to quietly sing my mum's lullaby.
I had expected Malfoy to react to this and to point out to me as unkindly as ever how awful my voice was and that I should leave it alone. But nothing came, not a sound.
Instead, he quietened down and stopped turning all the time.
After five minutes I heard him breathing softly and deeply, which showed me that he had fallen asleep.
I stopped the singing and just hummed softly in case he was not yet deeply asleep.
