When I woke up I felt limp, as if I had hardly slept.
I yawned and opened my eyes.
I was not lying on my mattress where I had fallen asleep. I was under a mountain of blankets in Malfoy's bed.
I turned on my side and looked down from the bed to said mattress where Malfoy was sleeping peacefully.
What had happened here?
I remembered that Malfoy had got up at night to go outside and I had accompanied him.
I didn't know anything after that and then I woke up here.
I had to wake him, I had to know what had happened.
"Malfoy?", I asked quietly but he didn't answer.
"Malfoy", I said louder and he moved.
"No mother, give me five more minutes", he muttered.
"Nah, not your mother. It's Harper", I called myself by my last name.
He startled.
"Harper, are you all right?
Are you okay?"
Confused, I looked at him.
"Yeah, I'm fine but everything's not all right.
What in the Name of Merlin's beard am I doing in your bed and why are you sleeping on the floor?"
"It's a longer story", he said sheepishly and sat up straight.
"Shoot it, I've got time."
He told me everything.
From our walk outside, how I had yelled at him for not wearing shoes, about the avalanche and me pushing him away to the point where he had bundled me up in blankets and taken me to his bed.
He looked at his fingers the whole time he was talking.
When he finished I didn't know what to say.
I didn't even know if it was true but there was no reason for Malfoy to lie.
So I said the first thing that came to my mind.
"Then I guess it's 3 to 1 for me in saving each others shitty little life. But you're catching up."
I smiled slightly but stopped it immediately because I knew how awful he thought it was.
"That's not funny Harper, I really panicked."
He looked at me with wide eyes and I knew he meant it, he really had panicked.
"I'm sorry," I said guiltily. This was no situation for jokes.
"You're sorry?!
I fucked up, fucked up big and you were just too much YOU!"
"I'm sorry?", I said now clearly more confused because I didn't know what he meant by I was too much me.
"You could have died and it would have been my fault. I would have been a murderer."
He would have, meant he had never killed on Voldemort's behalf.
That was good.
That was very good indeed.
"It's okay, nothing happened. I'm fine."
"Something happened, now don't play it down!", he almost shouted at me and I could see the tears in his eyes.
I got down from the bed and sat next to him on the mattress.
I took his hands in mine and looked into his grey glassy eyes.
"You're not a murderer Malfoy, you saved my life.
And I'm fine again, everything's fine."
He shook his head wildly.
"It's not all right.
I should have died on Christmas Eve. You would have been in so much less trouble, nothing would have happened to you and... and..."
I took him in my arms.
We had never hugged before, even when he had cried it was never like this.
It was strange but to my surprise he didn't push me away, on the contrary, he wrapped his arms around my back.
"I don't hate your shampoo at all", he said softly and I had to laugh.
"That would have been the one thing you regretted not telling me?
That you don't hate my shampoo after all?"
"Yes," he said quietly.
"You're just incorrigible Malfoy."
I was still laughing.
I tried to pull away from our embrace but he wouldn't let go.
"It's okay, I just have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back", I said quickly and he actually let go of me.
I stayed in the bathroom a few minutes longer and washed my face.
Malfoy had fixed the mirror and now I saw how bad I looked.
I had circles under my eyes that were no longer solemn, my face was even whiter than usual and my beautifully braided hair could no longer be called beautiful.
No wonder Malfoy thought I was unwell. I looked awful.
I fixed everything as best I could and when I finally felt a little more presentable I went back to Malfoy.
He had dressed in the meantime and was now standing by the window looking out into the opaque blue.
"Is everything alright?", I asked not knowing which of the two was going to answer me straight away, Malfoy or Draco.
"If everything is okay with you, then yes."
"Yeah, everything's fine.
Breakfast?", I asked and he turned to me.
"Together?"
"Yeah, why not, I'd eat alone otherwise."
I smiled slightly. He nodded.
We didn't talk much at breakfast, Malfoy at least didn't seem to hate it because he didn't make any stupid comments.
I never thought I would say this but breakfast with Malfoy wasn't so bad.
When we were both done I took my sleeping things and said goodbye to him.
"See you tonight", I said and smiled slightly. I quickly refrained
"Don't want to keep bothering you with my ugly smile", I added.
I didn't tell Min anything about last night, she would only stress me out unnecessarily, but I was fine.
I didn't go skating today anyway, just to be on the safe side.
Instead, I went to Hagrid's and helped him a bit with the magical creatures.
It was fun and at the end of the day we had tea together.
Time passed quickly and I only realised how late it was when the sun went down.
It was the 28th of December, in 4 days the new year would start.
The first year I would start without Grandma.
I had already made a resolution before Christmas to make her proud and I would also do my best to make her proud the next year.
But it would still be different to start the new year without her.
This realisation dominated the rest of my day.
Malfoy's room was dark when I arrived.
I looked around the room, something was missing, I just couldn't figure out what.
I was about to sit down on my mattress when I noticed what was different.
The mattress was missing.
Was this an eviction?
Did Malfoy not want me to stay until the end of the week after all?
Actually, I should be happy about that, but he could have just told me, then I wouldn't have had to come all the way down here.
"I hope that's all right with you", Malfoy said from behind me and I turned around.
"If that's what you want, then I won't object.
It's your decision, after all."
He looked at me a little sceptically.
"I was expecting a little more resistance."
"Why? If you tell me to leave, I will.
It's just that you could have told me sooner, then I wouldn't have had to walk all the way down."
"Go?", he asked, looking even more confused.
"I don't want you to leave, I just don't want you sleeping on the floor anymore. That's why I made the second side of the bed."
I turned to the bed, sure enough there was a second blanket there and more pillows too.
"You want me to sleep in your bed?", I asked, turning back to Malfoy.
He nodded.
"Why?"
"I owe you a few things. You shouldn't have to sleep on the floor anymore, that's all."
"You don't owe me anything but if it makes you feel better and you're really okay with it I'll sleep in your bed."
I had to overcome myself to accept this offer but Malfoy seemed relieved when I finally said yes.
I had already taken the precaution of showering in Min's flat and just hoped that Malfoy wouldn't mind my smell today.
Who knew exactly how honest this morning's confession was?
At least he didn't say anything and so I crawled under the blanket he had freshly covered for me.
The blanket smelled like Malfoy and I would never openly admit it but I had to concede to him that it didn't smell bad.
I couldn't really define what it smelled like, a little tart but fresh with a hint of mint.
I snuggled deep into the blanket as it was still cold and damp in the room and Malfoy's smell enveloped me.
Everything smelled of him.
I hadn't noticed it before but it had always smelled like that in this room, only now I noticed it more intensely.
Silently, Malfoy also layed down in bed and turned out the light. The music box remained silent and I wondered if perhaps he had actually fallen asleep without it.
I turned around so that I could see him and looked at him.
He couldn't see me, but I could see him.
He was still awake, his eyes were open and he was looking at the roof of his bed.
He seemed to be completely in thought.
I just watched him.
I didn't know if it was the situation that made me do it or something else, but it was the first time I looked at him and thought he was really beautiful.
His hair wasn't combed back like it usually was but a few strands fell down his face.
His skin was so even that it almost looked like porcelain.
He had a pointed nose and prominent cheekbones.
He was in no way inferior to his girlfriend in terms of beauty.
They really were the most visually beautiful couple at Hogwarts.
He was well aware of his charisma to others and I admired him for this self-confidence.
"Can't sleep?", I asked softly, ending my staring.
"I don't want to", it came back not so quietly.
"You don't want to sleep? If you don't want to sleep yet, go ahead and turn the light back on."
"That's not the problem Harper", it came back almost bitingly.
"I'm sorry I asked," I replied snappishly, turning to my other side.
"You can't seem to sleep either", he realised.
"Obviously," I grumbled.
"I want to but I can't, that's the difference," I added.
There was silence for a moment.
"I don't want to because as soon as I close my eyes I have the avalanche in front of me again."
I swallowed.
He really was still worried about that. He had traded one nightmare for another.
I turned back again.
"It's okay, nothing happened."
"You're repeating yourself Harper", he countered mockingly.
"But only because you're repeating yourself," I countered.
I could see him rolling his eyes.
"Have you been feeling the same way since Christmas Eve?", he asked cautiously.
I had answered that question once before when he had the meltdown in the bathroom but possibly he had just forgotten.
"It's getting better", I confessed honestly.
"The first two nights it was really bad, I kept having nightmares. But now I think of something nice before I go to sleep and then I can sleep reasonably well."
"Does it take long?"
"I don't know."
Short pause of silence.
"We can talk some more if you want, maybe it will take your mind off things", I suggested, expecting a negative response.
"And what do you want to talk about?", he asked mockingly.
"I don't know what you want to talk about. Quiddich, school, which Hogwarts house is the worst and why Gyffindor?
I don't know whatever you want."
He snorted at my last suggestion and I had to smile, glad he didn't see it.
"Can I ask you something?", he said meekly at some point.
"You already have. But yes, go ahead and ask. I just can't promise you an answer."
"Why are you here?
I was always shitty to you. Yes you didn't want to be a murderer, I can understand that but you didn't have to give me blood nor do you have to be here.
So why are you doing this?"
His question was valid and I had asked myself it a few times in the last few days.
I answered his question as I had answered it for myself.
"You needed help and I have a helper complex."
"That's all?" he asked confused.
"Yes, that's all. Isn't that enough?
What did you think the reason was?"
I sat up straight and Malfoy uttered a Lumos and the dim light of his wand illuminated him and his surroundings.
"I couldn't think of a logical reason but yes your explanation sounds kind of plausible."
I rubbed my eyes at the sudden light.
"You got to ask a question, will you answer mine?"
He nodded.
I had to think very carefully about what I asked, it couldn't be a sensitive subject like his meltdowns or Christmas Eve so I settled for the first thing that came to mind.
"Have you really not fucked a girl in this bed yet or was that a lie to calm me down?"
He smirked and raised his eyebrows.
"Seriously Harper? You can ask any question and you choose this?"
I could ask any question but I wouldn't get an answer to every one.
I knew that and so did he.
So I just nodded.
"If you really want to know, no I haven't let a girl in this bed let alone fucked her in it.
So feel honoured Harper, you're my first."
"I'm honored, thank you. But why not?"
"That's another question."
"I'll answer two right now too if it's that important to you," I added, hoping to get an answer.
"I always meet them somewhere else. Usually at the their dormitory when their housemates aren't there.
Or in empty classrooms."
I gagged.
Oh please don't.
Now I couldn't sit down in any classroom without having to think about whether Malfoy here had ever had something with a girl on the table I was sitting at.
"It's just none of her business. This is mine and if they let me into their bed then that's their problem, not mine.
I don't want the mess and afterwards they want more than just fun", he answered my question too honestly and accurately.
I just nodded and looked at the bedspread.
I was the first to be allowed to do this, to lie in this bed and yes I felt honoured.
"What's going on with you and Longbottom?", came from Malfoy and he caught me completely off guard with the question.
"What?", I therefore asked perplexed.
"You and Longbottom?" he repeated.
"Nothing is going on there. He's my best friend that's all there is and that's all there ever will be." He snorted
"Well, that was obvious, Longbottom can't even manage that."
"What's that supposed to mean?", I snapped at him. "He's like the brother I never had. That's why nothing will ever be going on there.
Besides, he has a wonderful girlfriend and they love each other.
Unlike others who are more appearance than reality."
I sparked angrily at him, specifically alluding to the situation with Astoria, which he didn't know I had seen.
"Longbottom a girlfriend, she must be really desperate or blind."
He completely ignored my innuendo.
"Both no, she's pretty, intelligent, funny and they're very good together.
But I'd call Astoria desperate because she's still hitting on a guy who so obviously doesn't want anything from her.
Who is also an arrogant bastard and still gets her hopes up in public.
If that's not desperate, I don't know what is."
I was really pissed off and I seemed to have finally hit Malfoy with that statement too.
"Mine and Astoria's relationship is none of your fucking business!" he cursed.
"Then you shouldn't be making out in public corridors where everyone can see you", I sneered back, realising my mistake too late.
"You were watching us?!" he shouted, anger flashing in his eyes.
"Involuntarily witnessed it.
As if I would have wanted to see that."
I remained quiet but my voice was firm and convinced.
I could see him thinking about his next words and his face which was briefly slightly red slowly returned to its normal colour.
"You can't think of a stupid comment to make, can you?
Talking about other relationships but having a messed up relationship yourself.
Look at yourself before you start talking about others Malfoy."
I had my arms crossed in front of my chest and was proud of how well I could control myself.
No one had the right to be talking down on Neville or Hannah and certainly not Malfoy.
Nev and Hannah made a lovely couple and I didn't begrudge them both their happiness.
"You don't know anything Harper and it's none of your business."
Malfoy spoke calmly again but I was still pissed.
"It's none of my business until you two start making out on the floor in front of me.
Next time at least find one of those empty classrooms you like to shag in so much."
"It...is...none...of...your...business", he repeated slowly for the stupid, looking me straight in the eye.
I didn't reply because I knew I would only get upset.
We were silent for a moment while we looked each other crossly in the eyes.
Neither of us wanted to break eye contact because that would have been a defeat but eventually Malfoy looked away and stared into space again.
We were silent for a few minutes but Malfoy didn't turn off the light so I expected him to make another stupid comment in a minute.
"Our parents want this relationship.
She's pureblood and of a similar age, we're promised to each other.
Only the contract hasn't been signed yet, that happens when I finish school", he explained quietly.
And with one sentence, all the anger I had towards him evaporated.
He needed someone to tell this to.
"Do you love her?", I asked cautiously.
He shook his head.
"Astoria thinks she does, I don't.
I was just trying to please my parents until, well, Christmas Eve."
So that was the reason, he didn't want to marry Astoria.
He did it all for the love of his parents and saw no other way out but to take his own life.
I slid closer to him and put my hand on his arm.
"I'm sorry about that.
Your sacrifice is honourable but you should do what you want and marry who you love.
It's your life, not your parents'."
He didn't look at me.
"Easy for you to say, your parents are probably the most wonderful people in the world and love you no matter what you do."
That hurt and he hadn't even meant to.
How could he have known?
"Yes, they really were", I said monotonously and Malfoy was now looking at me again.
I could see in his eyes that he didn't know if he had understood correctly what I had said.
"They died when I was four", I confessed to him.
I hadn't even told Neville because I knew he would only feel sorry for me but Malfoy wasn't the pity type, at least I hoped not because his eyes almost looked pitying.
"I really didn't mean..."
He didn't finish his sentence but I knew what he was trying to say.
"It's okay, you couldn't have known.
Don't feel guilty about talking bad about your parents when I don't have any anymore. It's your right, it's really okay."
I gently stroked his arm with my thumb.
He looked away.
"How?", he asked quietly.
I didn't talked about it often but not because I couldn't but because I didn't want to.
Especially not here at Hogwarts where so many students had lost someone, it was all so much worse than the death of my parents, which I barely remembered.
"A car accident.
A truck driver didn't see the car.
My dad was killed straight away.
My mom died on the way to hospital.
I barely remember anything", I explained to him, actually glad to talk about it again.
"That's not fair", he said hot-temperedly.
"No, it wasn't fair. It's never fair when two people that young die but I can live with it.
I don't feel better because of it but I don't feel bad.
My childhood was different from others but I was lucky.
I have wonderful grandparents who raised me."
He was silent.
"Sometimes I wish my father was dead", he confessed honestly.
"He's not a good father. I'm never enough for him. Everything I do is wrong, I can never make him proud.
I've been fighting for his attention and love all my life without realising it's useless.
Because this man is not capable of loving anyone but himself."
That was a pretty honest statement and I didn't know what to say in response.
Then I remembered what he had said in his sleep on Christmas Eve.
"He's the reason you wear that mark."
He looked at me questioningly.
"You talk in your sleep sometimes", I explained myself and he nodded.
"Then I guess he deserved you to wish him dead."
He fell silent.
I quickly switched to a less risky topic.
"You should talk to Astoria.
You can't have a relationship like this, maybe she's already told her parents over Christmas that you rejected her."
"That'll be real trouble if my parents find out."
"Since when do you leave things out when they could be trouble?
I thought that's why you do stuff in the first place."
I laughed and actually I could almost glimpse a smile on his face too.
"Thanks Harper. You're an unexpected help."
"Told you I had a helper complex", I laughed and yawned once.
"You should be asleep," he realised.
"You too."
He actually slid down and rested his head on his pillow.
"Can I wake you up if I can't sleep after all?"
I nodded and closed my eyes.
The music box sang its lullaby and I quickly drifted into a dreamless sleep.
