The wind whistled coldly across the wide meadows and I was glad that Neville had still allowed me the time to get warm clothes.
My hands were in gloves and a big scarf wrapped around my neck.
I could almost have hidden my whole face in it as big as it was.
Earmuffs served as protection for my ears so that my hairstyle was shown off and not hidden under a cap.
Hannah had taken great pains to do it and until I went to shower tonight I wanted to wear this hairstyle with pride.
The quiddich players were nowhere near as well wrapped up as the spectators.
Sure they would move a lot but it was even colder on the brooms and I was a little worried that they would all be in the hospital wing tomorrow.
After the Hufflepuffs the Slytherin team also came onto the pitch and Malfoy was running at the very back.
Again the situation from last night popped into my head, the touches, his worry and the soft goodnight.
What is wrong with me? Why do I keep coming back to this moment?
Madame Hooch blew her whistle for the game and the players rose into the air.
I tried to follow the game but everything was happening so fast that sometimes I hardly noticed which team was in possession of the ball.
Hannah was a keeper and to my unknowing eye was pretty good at what she did.
The Slytherins had real problems throwing a ball through one of the rings but still one or two balls escaped her.
At one point it was 30 to 50 for Hufflepuff and I looked around for the Slytherin Seeker and found him towering over the game, looking out next to the Hufflepuff Seeker.
Both heads snapped around at the same time.
They seemed to have spotted the Snitch.
Quickly they started moving, Malfoy about half a broom length ahead.
They followed the Snitch all over the pitch, between the other players and moving so fast that they only looked like two green and yellow blobs.
They both went down in a dive, then quickly pulled their brooms back up and took to the air again.
It almost seemed like choreography and I was so fascinated that I paid no attention at all to the rest of the game.
Malfoy must have lost sight of the Snitch for a moment because he slowed down and looked around.
The other one didn't make that mistake and whizzed past him, flying so close and fast that Malfoy lost his balance and was now hanging off his broom with only one hand.
Startled I jumped up, fervently hoping he would hold on.
He would fall enormously if he didn't.
Meanwhile the game continued and I didn't know how long I stared at him like that but suddenly cheers erupted around me and all the other students jumped up.
"We won!" shouted Neville behind me, patting me on the back.
But I was still staring at Malfoy who was hanging on to his broom.
After several futile attempts he had managed to pull himself back onto his broom and was now flying back to the ground.
I couldn't see his face but it was to be expected that this defeat would more than annoy him.
Especially because he had been in the lead the whole time.
"Don't worry about Malfoy. He's fine, he can take a defeat."
So Neville had noticed what had been the reason for my jumping up after all.
I wasn't sure if he could take defeat.
He was and possibly still is, suicidal.
So defeat is not exactly what was needed, rather the opposite.
As happy as Neville was about the Hufflepuff victory, I couldn't be happy about it because it meant defeat for Malfoy and a potential trigger.
I would intercept him afterwards and offer that we could talk. Simply because otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully and he probably hadn't told anyone about wanting to take his own life during the holidays.
"I'm going to stay out in the fresh air for a bit, got a bit of a headache", I said to Neville as we got off the bleachers.
"I'll see you at dinner", I added quickly.
"Good", he said with a grin, giving me another hug and then disappearing into the crowd of cheering students.
Disguised as a cat I sat down so that I had a good view of the changing rooms.
If Malfoy came out, I would see it.
And depending on his condition, I would decide whether to talk to him now or later.
But he didn't come.
First two isolated students came out of the cubicle, then a group of four, but ten minutes later Malfoy still hadn't come out.
I briefly wondered if there was another exit, but I thought that was unlikely.
He was still in there, alone and possibly with the intention of hurting himself.
I knew it was a stupid idea but I would never forgive myself if I didn't make sure he was alright.
Still on silent paws, I slipped through the door that was ajar.
I could talk in this form, that was one of the special features of my Animagus form but a talking cat was not normal. So I changed back.
It was clear to me that I was not allowed to be here as a Hufflepuff and especially as a girl.
"Malfoy?!", I called through the locker room, which smelled of sweat and leather.
No answer.
I had remained standing in the doorway until now just in case he was changing but now that I got no answer I panicked slightly and walked further into the room.
"Malfoy?!", I called out again.
"What?!", someone hissed, stepping out from between the lockers.
Of course it was Malfoy, the rest of them had already left.
His hair hung wetly in strands in his face.
When he saw who had called him his eyes grew wide and I had not expected this sight either.
The wet hair should have been enough of a clue that he had just been in the shower.
He was now standing in front of me with his shirt off.
I didn't dare look down, afraid that he wasn't wearing much more there.
I was mesmerised and could not take my eyes off him.
His skin was snow white, almost unhealthy white.
I had never paid attention to it but he was trained, his abs were defined and his arms also showed considerable strength.
But what shocked me most about this sight were the many and long scars that stretched across his upper body, cutting the white canvas.
He had hidden his mark under a bandage.
"What are you doing here, Harper?", he hissed at me.
Only now did I take my eyes off his upper body and looked up at him.
The surprised expression on his face from a few seconds ago had given way to an angry one.
"I... I...", I stammered.
"What?!"
Embarrassed I looked down at the floor, careful to look only at my feet.
"I... I wanted to see if you were okay. After the defeat just now", I almost whispered.
"You're out of your fucking mind!
It's none of your fucking business! Get out!"
He shouted and for a moment I was willing to give up without a fight.
Instead I took a deep breath, collected myself and controlled my anger, then looked him in the face again.
"I just wanted to know if you were okay!
I wish I didn't care!
After all, you don't care that I had to watch you die!
You blame me when I'm in the snow but I'm just as traumatised by what I saw on christmas eve and YOU don't give a shit!
I would blame myself all my life if you had done something to yourself and I hadn't done anything about it!
But apparently I'm the only one who worries about that because of course you haven't told anyone about it!
Why should you?
The great Draco Malfoy doesn't need any help!
The great Draco Malfoy didn't want to kill himself!
DAMN YOU did!"
I shouted in rage and had some trouble controlling myself.
I reached under my scarf and pulled out the necklace.
"Here, take this back! I don't want it!"
I threw the chain at his feet, turned on my heel and stormed out.
"Now would be an excellent time to kill yourself because now there's no one left to save your shitty little life!", I continued, slamming the door behind me.
