Maybe Not Yin and Yang but Something Very Close to It
Kai
"How battered are you?" asks Tala, towel over his shoulder, med kit at his feet on the ground as he crouches before Kai.
"Barely"
"You did some heavy lifting last night. I'm sure that motherfucker weighed a ton. You didn't pull anything?"
Kai shakes his head.
"Nothing hurts?" he asks and Kai pauses, glancing at his eyes for a moment. Then says, "No. I'm good."
"Hmm" Tala stands up, carrying the kit with him as he makes his way to Sergei in the next room, who has a broken nose from one of the men who tried to sneak into the arena last night.
The Four Horsemen has connections with bigger gangs, but it wasn't established until recently, which means their relationship is fragile. Taking out gangs, dealing with them, puts his people in danger. There's the debt he has to pay with the Yakuza. A debt whose collectors would come for sooner or later. Making more enemies at a time like this is not a smart move yet here they are.
In trouble with another gang. Small or big, it's still putting all of their lives at risk.
Kai closes his eyes, propping his elbows up on the table and pressing his fingers against his shut lids. The glass of alcohol sits almost untouched before him. He keeps thinking of Tyson. Thoughts of him swimming into his consciousness every few hours - minutes really. He's unable to concentrate despite resolving to end things with Granger. He has closed that chapter. It's in the past. Yet the memories are still too fresh to shut them out. He hopes he'll stop recalling how soft Tyson's lips feel against his.
He's just another person. He's been with other people before and have gotten over them. It's just a matter of time before he moves on from Tyson as well.
A few days later he's feeling more like himself, less like someone who took several punches in the gut. Tyson's way of thinking is far different from Kai's. He has his ideals of good and bad people in his head and it's not as quite mixed up as it is in Kai's. It's a hard thing to do. To let someone go. But Kai has always been good at things most people are not. Especially cutting people out of his life.
He can carry on about his day without being hindered by his feelings. He'd learned how to do that a while ago. Or he would have drowned in them a long, long time ago. There's a place in his mind that treats him like the Anti-Christ. A pariah. Someone to be shunned and crucified.
He has done bad things and he feels...he feels a lot. About the people whose lives had ended because of him. If he were to stop and let those feelings catch up to him he would not be able to pick himself up again. He is too far gone to be saved now.
He'd wanted Tyson. He wants Tyson, but he sees it now, that there was never any hope for them. Tyson didn't keep slipping out of his hands because he was afraid of how he felt. It was also because whatever he felt for Kai simply wasn't strong enough to make him want to stay.
He deserves someone better anyway.
Now if only he could muster a fake smile for the people around him…They were starting to notice his mood.
Kai's in the hallway when Kristina stops next to him for a chat. They catch up on a few things. It's nice to see her again. Kai gives her a real smile. Kristina brushes a kiss on his cheek.
A locker slams loudly somewhere down the hall.
Kai turns to look, sees Tyson storming away angrily.
"What are you doing?"
"What am I doing?"
"Why are you talking to her?"
"What do you want, Tyson? What do you want from me?" Please, please tell him, because he wants to know. He'd give him anything. An arm, a leg, a piece of his soul. He just has to ask for it.
Tyson looks hurt, eyes watery. He doesn't answer. He just turns around and leaves.
Kai is frustrated.
Tyson
Kai is acting like it's over. Here's Tyson, tears in his eyes 24/7 because nothing in his world is right without Kai. And then there's Kai, carrying on as if nothing has happened. As if nothing's wrong.
As if everything is right in his world even if there's no Tyson in it.
May be this is the sign to stop trying. To walk away. He doesn't care. He'd never care about him as much as he cares about Kai. He should stop.
But how does one just stop being in love with someone?
He has never been good at that. Moving on from people.
His days are long. Nights are cold. Every inch of him is screaming for him in need. Reaching out to Kai even in his sleep.
With every passing day, Kai seems to be pulling further and further away from him.
It feels like it's over. Like it's not a break anymore. But a break up.
He's processing it. It's taking time and it's agonizing but he's processing it. He'll get there. He just hopes Kai won't be gone by the time he does.
The first snow of the year. Tyson catches the flakes in his palm.
"What do you want, Tyson? What do you want from me?"
I don't know. I don't know you.
That's not right. He does know him. Parts of him. And he loves them.
May be he'd love the others too. The ones he hasn't seen. He hopes Kai will show them to him.
But when?
When is the time?
The sky is grey. Now days are cold and nights are colder. His nose is constantly red. He bundles up in sweaters and hats and scarves. He drops books accidentally once and Kai sees him, but he walks past him without helping.
Tyson feels his heart break a little and fall out of his chest right there. Onto the dirty university marble floor. Little pieces of him falling out of him, rejected, unwanted. Unloved.
In the lecture halls he shares with him he tries not to sit anywhere where he can see him. So it doesn't hurt as much. But it hurts anyway. And the heaters aren't working in the halls either. He almost freezes into ice there.
Kai is beautiful. Not like he ever wasn't during the other seasons but winter seems to be made especially for him. He practically glows in the hallways and quadrangles. Against the snow. When it catches in his hair, Tyson wishes he could brush it away for him.
He had been planning to invite him over to his house for Christmas. To have dinner with his family.
He's so stupid. God, he's so stupid.
He's a mess. He is barely alive. Emily comes over a few days later. Five days since he last spoke to Kai yet it feels like an eternity. She barges into his room and engulfs him in a hug.
"What's happening with you?" she whispers into his hair. "Tyson, we need to talk. Tell me what's going on. Whatever it is, we can fix it. Please stop shutting all of us out. Speak to me!"
He feels sorry for Emily. For ignoring her. He tells her what happened and realizes how fresh the wound is. Emily takes his hand in hers and tells him to trust her.
Kai
The side effect of keeping secrets from himself is that they spill over and shroud his subconscious mind whenever he's asleep. Kai can't shut his eyes for a few minutes without dreaming of Tyson.
They're all of him. Every dream. Every puzzle and problem his mind tries to solve when he's not awake. In most of these he's chasing after him, trying to explain his actions, his motivations, but no words ever come out. His voice gets drowned out in static when he finally catches up to Tyson. And all he can see is his eyes. Hurt, betrayed, disgusted. Kai wakes up with his chest hurting then. Something very deep inside of him aching, curling itself a ball and bawling in despair.
Kai can't escape. Can't protect himself in his sleep.
He loads up on coffee, drinking five to six cups everyday to stay awake as much as possible. He tires himself out in the gym. Or tries to. Training three to four hours. Sometimes after midnight, long into the early hours of morning.
He's in the basement, practising his moves on the sandbag, at some point he loses track of his routine and just starts punching the shit out of the bag. He tears it in the process, damaging the leather and making its contents spill. He only stops when he realizes it and examines it, his heavy breathing the only sound in the space.
For a moment he feels uncharacteristically lonely. Irrationally lonely.
"I don't want anything to do with you."
"I can't think around you."
"Please, let go."
Tyson's voice and words echo in his mind a disturbing amount.
Reminding him that though he'd played every card in his hand, every trick in every book. None of it had been enough to keep Tyson with him. He'd chased him around, hadn't he? Really wanted him. A little too much so.
Still wants him.
It's been six days and Tyson hasn't called.
He's not going to. Kai knows he's not.
May be it's a good thing it ended this way. He has to leave for London in a few months for his fourth year. It had to end somehow.
Six days. And it hasn't gotten any easier. If anything it's only gotten worse. The memories of him aren't growing any weaker, they're growing stronger.
Kai holds out hope that these feelings will eventually fade but as long as he sees Tyson around campus that would not happen. He passes him in the hallways and Kai has to try not to linger on him. His nose gets red in the cold and he has to fight against the urge to draw him into his arms and keep him warm.
Tyson hasn't been smiling. And Kai wonders if he has broken his heart. Robbed him of joy the way he has with so many others before. It wasn't intentional. It wasn't intentional. Tyson was the last person he wanted to hurt.
He'd tried so hard to protect him from the uglier sides of him.
Had wanted to protect him from everything. Wants to. It kills him to see the sadness in his eyes. It kills him.
It's killing him.
A week later and Kai's roaming the streets of Tokyo like a soulless ghost. He can't muster fake smiles for anyone. Can't be nice to anyone. Can no longer lie to himself.
He's going through everyday motions and wonders if his life has always been so…colourless.
The sun's hiding behind the clouds. The skies are grey and the birds are silent.
Sunday evening someone knocks on the door of the Blitzkrieg house and Kai goes to answer it, expression as foul as his mood.
When he opens the door he's surprised to see Tyson standing there. Bundled up in winter clothes and a light blue hat on his head. His eyes are bright as he smiles warmly at him.
Kai feels the frost melting out of his heart in real time.
Kai lingers at the door, fingers on the chilly handle, not sure what to make of Tyson.
"Hey" he says.
"Hi" replies Kai and something gets caught in his throat.
"Can we talk?" he asks, smile disappearing from his face, eyes nervous but hopeful.
Kai nods and he feels like a mannequin coming back to life. Like all his muscles have been stiff and rigid for the past one week and they were starting to loosen now.
"Let me get my coat."
"Yeah, sure" Tyson puts his hands in the pockets of his long brown coat and shuffles his feet on the porch as he waits.
"So, how have you been?" he asks and his face looks small. All of him does. Like he's making himself very very small.
Kai pulls a meh expression, feigning nonchalance. "As usual."
Tyson nods. Like 'ah'. Then he says, "I've been a mess." And his voice is high pitched. That was the first thing Kai noticed. The second, the second is, the words themselves. And what they mean. Tyson looks at his feet, hands deep deep inside of his pockets but his heart is visible. It's exposed for everyone to see as he looks at Kai again. "I miss you."
Kai feels the corners of his eyes sting. He blinks twice and takes a deep breath. "Really?" he mutters under his breath and turns to go sit on the bench.
Tyson catches it though. "Yes, really," he says, a bit of annoyance sneaking into his tone.
Kai pauses near the bench when he hears it, turns around to look at him and takes a seat anyway. This is going to be long.
Tyson walks over, then sits down next to him with a sigh. He huddles mostly. The arm of his coat is brushing Kai's. "Yeah, I deserve that. Blame is on both of us."
Kai wonders what he means by that.
"We don't communicate well," he says. "That's where all of our problems start and end. I guess that's true for most couples but we're exceptionally bad at that." He's watching his feet, and nervously swinging his feet. "And you more than me."
"Hm" Kai lifts his eyebrows, offended.
"It's true. I'm not the only one who thinks that. It's true for all of your relationships, Kai. They- Even your friends think that. The only reason they understand you as much as they do is because you've been friends with them forever. Tala said-"
"You talked to Tala?"
"He- he talked to me." He looks guilty all of a sudden. Like he wasn't supposed to tell Kai that. Oh, they really talked. "He came to my dorm and told me to not be a bigoted asshole and give you a chance to explain yourself. And that you keeping secrets is nothing personal and you're like that with everybody. He said that you're difficult and that I should try if I…" He clears his throat. "I should try." He turns to Kai with a determined look on his face. "You asked me what I wanted from you, Kai. I want you to tell me your story. I want your secrets. The dark ones, the ones that are important but you think will scare me off or make me judge you…in a bad way."
He wants his story?
"I want to know you," Tyson puts his hand on Kai's. His eyes are sincere. "All of you."
It's a nice picture he's painting. The one of him and Kai where they share all their secrets with each other and are soulmates for life or whatever fairytale bullshit he probably learned from a book or a movie or may be was his own original idea. But it's not something he can do. Kai would like to dream of a reality like that too, but it's not happening. It's one thing to fantasize about dating a killer and actually dating one. No one wants that. Not even Tyson.
He wonders what's the worst thing Tyson thinks Kai has done. Exactly how far is he willing to go for…for this. Them. Is it worth it? Does he think it's worth it?
"I want you to trust me." Tyson gives his hand a light squeeze, making him focus on his deep chocolate brown eyes again. They're always so lovely. "I know what you're thinking but you have to stop making decisions for me, Kai. This is what you do. You make decisions for everyone around you and choose not to share things thinking that I or someone else would not be able to handle it. Why don't you let me make that decision for myself? Why don't you let me decide whether I can handle it or not?"
"And what if I'm hiding something ugly?"
"Let me choose what to do with it," he says, pointing at his own chest. "Let me decide whether I think it's ugly or not. What's the point of dating someone if you're just going to keep all the important information to yourself? This will not work as long as you don't trust me."
Kai realizes that at some point he'd pulled away from Tyson and he is now leaning into his space to look at him. He's begging him. "I want to be with you, but I can't if you keep secrets from me. It will not work, Kai. We won't work. Please, trust me. Whatever it is, however bad you think it is, I can handle it. You're safe with me."
He means it. He means it with all of his heart. The rational part of Kai's brain is telling him this is stupid and it's right. This is stupid. Sitting here with Tyson is stupid. Anything that has to do with feelings is. He's been acting pretty stupid all of last week and it was not his fault. At no point had it been a conscious decision for him to start having feelings for Tyson Granger. He didn't catch feelings because the rational part of his brain told him to. He just did. So, by that same logic, he owed it to Tyson. And to himself.
"I won't run away, I promise," he says. "You know, Emily. I had a talk with Emily and she asked me, If I'm not willing to try to understand the person that I claim to…love, then what hope does the rest of the world have?" They meet eyes. And something, like an understanding passes between them.
A safe space. That's what a therapist would call it.
Tyson's created a safe space for both of them.
Kai looks down at their joined hands. And it's a promise. Tyson's holding on tight. Whatever happens. Whatever happens. They're in it together.
"What's the worst thing you've done?"
"Kill people" says Kai and it's so nonchalant. Like he's been waiting to say it.
He looks at Tyson, for his reaction. For the shock and the gasp and the fear. He spots surprise, instead of shock, but the surprise is mild. He's been expecting it. His lips are parted but no gasp slips out. And instead of fear, there's conflict. He's trying to understand. He's making an effort.
And for the first time since meeting him in the park. May be for the first time ever, Kai takes Tyson's hand in his properly. Holds it close and though the weather is cold, his heart is flooded with warmth.
"Why?" whispers Tyson.
Kai tells him. He tells him his story. They sit there for hours, till the sky has grown dark and the moon appears in between the clouds. Tyson listens patiently. Kai talks freely.
By the time he's done, Tyson's drawing comforting circles on Kai's hand with his thumb, holding his hand in both of his.
He's thoughtful. Kai watches him think because he's beautiful when he does so. He always is. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest. It feels good to not have an ocean full of secrets and lies separating them anymore.
Tyson sighs as Kai waits for him to say something. "You've…been through a lot," he says, like his mind is blown. "I wasn't expecting that much but wow. I was in the dark. Like really, really in the dark. Not just from you, but…from life, I think. I haven't lived." He chuckles sheepishly at himself.
Kai snorts, laughs a little. Of all the things he could have said that was the last one he could have guessed.
Then Tyson takes his hand out of Kai's and his blood runs cold. The smile falling off his face and his heart screeching to a halt. I knew it, says the voice inside of him.
Tyson adjusts the hat on his head. "My hands are sweaty," he says, wiping his hands on his jeans before wrapping his arms around Kai's neck and hugging him.
Kai breathes out. In relief. Veins warming and heart beating again as the scent of wildflowers surround him. "I don't really know what to say," says Tyson and his voice is so small and close to tears it's almost a whisper. "But I love you."
