Never, really never in my life had I been so carefree as at that dinner.
The three people who meant the most to me in this school, apart from Min, knew who I was. And it was all right.
Neither Neville nor Hannah brought up my confession at dinner although I was pretty sure I still had some questions to answer about it. But that was fine too.
The weekend was marked by long conversations, lots of questions I had to answer and lots of laughter.
What surprised me the most was that I wasn't the only topic of conversation.
We talked about all sorts of things, even Neville opened up a bit about the war.
Although it was clear that there was clearly more to work through there than he was sharing with us now.
But he wasn't alone, if he wanted to talk we would be there.
And they would be there for me.
I stared up at the starry sky.
Amazingly there were many clear nights here, although the weather during the day couldn't have been more British.
Tomorrow was my first day of school after the incident.
The ones responsible were still suspended for a week but still tomorrow was going to be strange for me.
I didn't know what the rest of the school knew. Whether they thought I was just sick or whether someone had told them the truth.
And I didn't know which was worse.
Actually, I had already used up all my courage for the week, but somewhere there seemed to be a little spark left, because I did something I hadn't found the courage to do for a year.
I spoke to my grandmother.
"I know you can't really hear me physically. Your ashes are a six feet deep underground on the other side of the world but maybe it helps to pretend that you can.
I don't know what I hope to gain from this. This conversation isn't going to change anything. I'm here and you're not and there's nothing I can do about it."
"You might be wondering why I'm talking to you then.
I have been thinking a lot in the last days and weeks and I think I am ready to let go. Not right away and only very slowly but I think I am ready to try.
The days when I wish that you were here with me are getting fewer. Not that the wish is getting less but I am learning to accept.
I have people around me now who understand the pain or at least try to."
"I have understood that it is ok to let my feelings out and I hope you are proud of that.
Because I'm doing all this for you. I'm doing it because I want to become a person you can be proud of. Brave and strong but admitting mistakes and allowing feelings.
Someone who cries when things get too much but accepts help.
And I need help. I didn't know that for a long time, but now I do.
But I don't find this help in heaven.
This help is here, with me. It has to be real, because otherwise I will sink into my grief at some point.
I miss you but I try to be brave."
Tears had been running down my cheeks for a long time. And it was okay. It was okay that I felt, it was even good.
I closed the window again, but remained sitting there in silence for some time until I could finally pull myself together to go to bed.
I will try.
