"Ye thought ye could evade me forever, did ye?"
Loud banging on the office door interrupted the Flying Dutchman's dramatic entrance, much to his chagrin as he fumed with green fire.
"Hey, where's our food? We've been waiting like forever!" Norm yelled while knocking on the door, surrounded by the other enraged customers, when the Flying Dutchman busted out, making them all shriek in terror.
"BEGONE, MEDDLING MORTALS!" he roared furiously, his eyes glowing and pupilless and his voice reverberating. "THE FLYING DUTCHMAN'S DOIN' BUSINESS HERE!"
Like headless chickens, the screaming customers ran out of the Krusty Krabs, while the Flying Dutchman calmly returned to the Krusty Crew.
"Where was I? Oh, yes!" the ghost pirate pointed at the trembling Krabs again. "Ye were are persistent one, I'll give ye that much! But no mere mortal can escape the Flying Dutchman fer all eternity!"
"Squidward?" SpongeBob exchanged glances with his terrified co-worker. "I don't understand what's going on?"
"That's new." The octopus rolled his eyes, despite everything. Though he couldn't pretend like he was any more privy to this peculiar situation.
"Please, jus' give me a little more time!" Krabs pressed his claws together in a pleading gesture. "I…I didn't even have the chance t' explain things t' me crew."
The Flying Dutchman grabbed him by his shirt and hoisted him up. "Didn't have the chance?" he barked a curt laugh. "Ye had decades t' fess up!"
"Excuse me, Mr. Flying Dutchman?" SpongeBob timidly raised his hand, diverting the ghost's attention. "Pardon my intrusion, but what do you want with Mr. Krabs? Where are you taking him?"
"I'm takin' 'im t' the same place I take all the sinful swabs of the seven seas!" The Flying Dutchman declared, aided by more indoor lightning. "TO DAVY JONES'S LOCKER!"
"Davy Jones's locker?!" SpongeBob blurted in horror. "But why? You can't be serious! He's a good man!"
"Oh, for the love of…" an exasperated Squidward clamped his tentacle over SpongeBob's mouth.
"Can I ask a real question?" the octopus inquired. "I know your line of work and all, but what's all this talk of, "Ye thought ye could evade me forever"? SpongeBob and I are kinda locked out of the loop here."
The Flying Dutchman glared at them for a bit before perking up. "I'm sure ye wage slaves are. Yer skinflint of a boss WAS a very private man."
"Mr. Krabs, what does he mean by that? Did you hide something from us?" SpongeBob asked, making Krabs deflate in defeat.
"Yeah, you're usually an open book?" Squidward added with a blasé look.
"I…I don't know how t' explain this." A flustered Krabs rubbed his arm, prompting another hearty laugh from the Flying Dutchman.
"I certainly know how!" He told the puny mortals. "This unscrupulous bottom-feeder has made it an annual tradition t' cheat me of his soul, and this has been goin' on fer the last three centuries!"
"What….you mean 300 years?" Squidward jerked back in surprise. "How is that even…I know Krabs is ancient but…"
"How is it possible?" The Flying Dutchman laughed. "It isn't…usually. Unless ye know the whereabouts of a certain little spring called….the Fountain of Youth!"
"Oh…so that's what "fast food congress" was code for." Squidward shrugged. He'd seen plenty of crazier things than that in his time.
"You're 300 years old?!" SpongeBob blurted incredulously, before adding, "I thought you were half that age at most?"
Krabs offered his fry cook a pitiful look. He had never imagined this day would come, but here it was, and Krabs was going out on a whimper like the feeble old man he never wanted to become.
"I'm even older than that." Krabs said weakly. "When I told ye I was in business fer a long time, I meant a very, very long time, thanks t' me…eh...secret anti-agin' remedy. I've been wanderin' the ocean floor and makin' money fer nearly 400 hundred years."
SpongeBob couldn't believe his earholes and even Squidward was taken aback. But then…upon further reflection, this actually answered a LOT about Mr. Krabs.
The Flying Dutchman chuckled with wicked delight. "Aye. And ain't it poetic that a corporate scumbag such as yerself would do himself in by sappin' his own source of lifeblood bone-dry, due t' his unquenchable greed?"
He snapped his head back laughing and slapped his nonexistent knee as a rimshot sound was heard. "Get it? Unquenchable greed?"
SpongeBob and Squidward just exchanged awkward glances.
"Hey, c'mon. I thought "sustainable harvestin'" was jus' a fad endorsed by anti-capitalist hippies?" Krabs shrugged bashfully. "I've seen many of those come and go, especially with me daughter."
"Mr. Krabs? Is this all true?" the dumbfounded SpongeBob asked again. "It can't be true. No!"
Squidward glared at him and gestured as their ghostly visitor. "Are you for real? The literal embodiment of death itself told us just that, and Krabs admitted it. What other testimony do you need?"
SpongeBob's eyes twitched and he fidgeted. "Yes…I mean…I just…I…"
"It is true, boys...all of it." Krabs nodded sadly. "Ye probably wondered why I had such a limitless supply of excitin' tales t' recite at any moment?"
"I thought you just made them all up?" was Squidward's frank response, earning a cross look from the old crab.
"I didn't, all of 'em are true!" Krabs said indignantly. He might have been a fraud in countless ways, but he was no bloody spinner of yarns!
"Me long life was an eventful one. See, I first made a name fer myself durin' the golden age of piracy. I always loved sailin', and in those days, the corsair business was the most profitable one for aspirin' sailors-"
"Did I give ye permission fer a farewell speech?" the Flying Dutchman probed, making Krabs hold his breath and sweat, before guffawing.
"Go on…" the ghost pirate gave an approving nod "…I loves me a good story."
"Is Eugene Krabs even your real name?" Squidward cocked an eyebrow, while SpongeBob gawked at him before nibbling on his fingernails, unwilling to even entertain that horrible notion.
Krabs scowled. "Yes, it IS me birth name, but in me salad days, most knew me as "Thrifty Jack", includin' me ol' crew."
"Bet ye life-lubbers will never guess how he acquired that nickname?" The Flying Dutchman joked.
"Dunno?" SpongeBob scratched his head. "What does "thrifty" mean? I'm a little rusty on my sailor lingo?"
The Flying Dutchman's face fell while Krabs cleared his throat.
"Anyway, those were the days…" he said with some nostalgia. "A time when a man could set out and make his fortune through blood, sweat, and tears…and some…eh…burrowin'."
"You mean plunder and pillage?" Squidward deadpanned. And he wasn't compelled to ask whether Krabs meant "blood, sweat, and tears" in the metaphorical sense.
"Alright… if ye want t' get technical." Krabs grumbled.
"Wait, you mean pirates steal things?" SpongeBob went agape. "I thought they are simply treasure-hunting adventures with a love for rum and shanties."
"Yeah…well…" Krabs tugged on his collar "…things were a wee bit differed back then…"
We flash back to a pirate ship cruising the vast blue brines. Decked out in a pirate coat and tricorn hat, Krabs was dancing in the middle of a sea shanty, surrounded by various gnarly-looking sea creatures who cheered him on, some climbing the mast and one playing the accordion and another the flute.
"We was the best in the business. Real, red-blooded men." Krabs stated as his old self and crew were making their getaway on a rowboat stacked with gold, jewelry, and other valuables, while a burning ship filled with screaming occupants sank in the background.
"As someone who valued hard work, I always compensated me men fer their efforts." Krabs claimed as his past self and crew were shoving a huge treasure chest into the captain's quarters. After getting it in, his first mate, a gaunt swordfish with a crooked nose and stitched-up scar on his forehead held up his fin, eagerly expecting his payment, as did many others.
"Somehow, I doubt that." Squidward snarked as the past Krabs let out his trademark laugh and flipped a single gold doubloon into his first mate's fin.
"There ye go, ye boys can split it between ye." he absentmindedly told his glowering crew before shutting the door. "Now leave me and me booty alone!"
Romantic music started playing and the disgruntled crew grew queasy looks and backed away as they heard their captain purring, "Hello there, gorgeous…"
"I always made sure t' keep me vessel, the Jolly Miser, in tip-top shape…" Krabs said as we see his miserable first mate trying to operate a taped-up steering wheel and breaking it off.
"I spared no expenses with our loot…but only fer what I deemed truly necessary." he continued as we cut to a mainsail made up of sown-together bedsheets and two thuggish sea stars patching up holes in it with one-piece pajamas, while inside the lower deck, a sweaty killer whale is chewing on lots of black bubble gum and desperately trying to plug up all the leaking holes.
"And it had t' be lickerish-flavored." He told the audience in disgust before resuming his duty.
"Me crew were tough and didn't need much besides the essentials…" We see a huge wine barrel on the deck, only to zoom out to reveal that it's actually a tiny one standing on a wooden table.
A buff shrimp with perma-stubbles drew the tiny faucet and a small drop of whisky fell into his shot glass, while next to him, a portly anglerfish with an eye patch and a goblin shark sat on a bench and glared at their lunch; driftwood on platters, with squashed urchins as side dishes.
"Really, sometimes I worried that I was spoilin' 'em with me generosity…" Krabs insisted as we see a long line of pirates doing the pee-pee dance in front of an outhouse.
"Come on, matey! What's the holdup!" a barracuda with a head scarf was banging on the door. They heard flushing, and the goblin shark pirate backed out as dirty water poured out of the toilet and spread across the deck.
"The toilet be clogged up, and the captain refused t' by a *dolphin chirp* plunger at the last harbor! AGAIN!?" the shark ranted in annoyance.
"And I always supplied 'em with the best weaponry…" the first mate cringed in horror as his captain was digging up a grave and offered him a swordfish skull, all while sporting a blissful smile. They were surrounded by a bunch of other defiled graves.
"But me crew never did agree with me frugal ways."
Krabs and his first mate rowed back to their ship with a stolen chest and helped haul it up with ropes, before a rope ladder came down and Krabs climbed up. His first mate tried following him but Krabs stopped him.
"Oh, no." Krabs said sternly and offered him an old-fashion diving suit. "Go back t' where that ship sank and retrieve all me cannonballs! I ain't payin' fer new ones when those are still perfectly usable."
The swordfish seethed and grit his teeth but obliged. "Unfortunately, I didn't pick up on their growin' dissatisfaction in time…"
We cut to Krabs and his first mate holding onto the stern as their ship seemed to be moving at high speed.
"I told ye we needed the sea monster repellant!" the latter yelled at Krabs.
"Nay!" the captain argued. "It be a one-in-a-million chance encounter! And those cans cost a small fortune!"
We zoom out to see the ship speeding through the Arctic Ocean and being chased by a tentacled, stop-motion behemoth, the Abominable Snow Mollusk.
"So lemme guess…" Squidward said blandly "…they resorted to mutiny?"
"Oh, no." SpongeBob shuddered with dread. "They wouldn't. Would they?"
"Aye, they did." Krabs nodded before clenching his fist. "Backstabbin' ingrates they were…"
We see Krabs exhaling in delight, naked and with his chest hair showing, as he was bathing in his ill-gotten riches which filled his room from wall to wall. Suddenly, the door was kicked open and he was engulfed by shadows, forcing him to cover himself with a towel.
"Hey, hey! What be the big idea!" he demanded to know as the shadows came closer.
"They stripped me of me title…and everythin' else…" we cut to an embarrassed Krabs, wearing nothing but a barrel, being forced to walk the plank, his mutinous crew cheering behind him and his former first mate, now wearing the captain's hat and coat, gleefully pushing him onward by pocking his sword (a proper one) into Krabs' back, forcing him to pinch his crooked nose and jump off.
"So you were lost at sea with not even the clothes on your back?" SpongeBob covered his mouth, enthralled by Krabs's tales as usual. "How did you make it out alive?"
"Aye, I was in quite a pickle." Krabs admitted before raising his pincher. "But bein' the hardy seaman I was, I wasn't 'bout t' let a little brine do me in, so I bravely faced the ocean's wrath!"
"Help! HELP!? Someone help me!? Oh, Neptune spare me!?" the past Krabs wailed and waived his arms pathetically while floating inside his barrel in the middle of nowhere.
"I don't want t' die! I don't want t' die!" his eyestalks bent back and sputtered hot tears, when a lifebuoy was thrown his way and he looked up to see a large ship in front of him, and the captain smiling and waving at him, wearing a very distinct wardrobe.
"Fortunately, I persevered long enough t' be picked up by a passin' conquistador ship."
"Conquistadors?" Squidward asked before connecting the dots. "Oh, I see where this is going."
"The ship was helmed by one Captain Julio Pez de León…" Krabs explained as his past self was offered conquistador clothes by the friendly and blissfully oblivious captain, while some of his men eyed a wanted poster on the wall warily "…and despite me…eh…controversial reputation, I tricked 'im and his men into thinkin' that I was jus' some poor shmoe that got robbed by pirates."
"Capitán, doesn't he look like that infamous pirate?" one of them pointed at Krabs, who started sweating nervously.
"Of course not… I'm jus' little ol' Eugene." His pupils darted left and right before getting an idea and sending the fish an accusatory look. "Do all crabs look the same t' ye fish folk, huh, huh?"
The crewman shrank with shame and his captain wagged his finger at him disapprovingly before smiling at Krabs and showing him a rolled-up map. "The captain was a seasoned explorer and had discovered a long-forgotten route allegedly leadin' t' the fabled Fountain of Youth!"
"I thought that was pure claptrap, a tall tale kept alive by the fool-hearted." Krabs explained as his past self gave his savior a skeptical look but he thought it over. "But I knew any long-lost map had t' lead t' somethin' of value, and since I was short on cash at the moment, I offered t' be their guide, since I knew the south Pacific like the back of me claw."
"I see your habit of exploiting naïve and overly trusting shmucks goes way back." Squidward deadpanned as the ship headed towards tropical waters.
"It was a perilous journey and it lasted fer years, most of the crew didn't make it. Quicksand, whirlpools, cyclones, yeti crabs…nature be a cruel mistress." Krabs continued as we see him, disheveled, tattered, and sporting perma-stubbles, cutting away coral branches with a sword and barreling onward, with an equally disheveled Julio following him, hugging himself and looking like he was on the verge of fainting.
"But we eventually found it." Krabs helped him along and then cut some more vegetation blocking their path, and the duo was suddenly faced with a blinding light. The two shielded their eyes before adjusting them and smiling with joy and doing a happy dance together.
"So I take it you and him became the bestest of friends?" SpongeBob presumed, causing Krabs to tug his collar again.
"Um…not exactly."
Krabs and Julio were shaking hands, with Krabs holding the map. The latter started talking and making grand gestures for emphasis. "Though our quest was a success, we were soon faced with a conflict of interests."
Krabs scowled and rubbed his chin. "See, he wanted t' share this miracle with the rest of the world, while I…eh…was a bit more hesitant."
"You're right, me friend. It would be most selfish t' hoard all this immortality juice fer ourselves." Krabs nodded before suddenly pointing up. "Hey, look at that majestic eagle ray!"
"Dios mio! Where!" Julio looked up with his spyglass before getting pushed off a cliff by Krabs.
"So inevitably, we had a fallout." Krabs remained nonchalant as his ex-partner's scream grew fainter and fainter until it was cut off by a splat sound.
We zoom in on Krabs, as he's clutching the map and wringing his claws while chuckling evilly. "Acquirin' ownership of the map, I was determined t' recoup me lost booty."
"I started scourin' the globe…" we see a dirt-covered Krabs, wearing new pirate clothes, opening a chest and beaming with joy as he was illuminated by a golden glow.
"…and through sheer grit and determination, I accomplished that on me own, a self-made crab…" Krabs stated as his old self was shoving his newest batch of gold coins into a towering mattress that was leaking with the stuff and on the verge of tearing apart "…and I was more careful 'bout where I stashed me loot. T' make sure nobody could steal it."
"…but with nothin' but time on me claws now, I continued me treasure hunts. Back in those days, there were so many frontiers left unexploi…eh-unexplored…" he continued while his past self was looking over various maps with a nearby lantern illuminating the room.
"…so I set out t' DOUBLE me earnings…" we see Krabs, in adventurer clothes and with an arrow stuck in his fedora, whistling and strolling away from an Aztec-like temple with a wheel cart full of gold and various artifacts which he had grave-robbed from it.
"…then to triple 'em…" we see Krabs, dressed in tattered overalls, digging with his bare claws inside a deep hole (we wouldn't buy shovels) until the ground erupts and Krabs starts laughing in triumph as he's riding atop an oil fountain.
Around him, his (also shovel-lacking) workers looked up and cheered, until Krabs yelled, "Now get lost! Yer all FIRED!"
"…and then quadruple 'em!" we see some dark-scaled fish in tribal wear panic and flee out of their village, followed by a lion fish, sea rhino, and a couple of striped sea horses, as the former's village gets flattened by Krabs driving a gigantic bulldozer.
As the monstrous vehicle passes, the village and jungle transform into a vast rubber tree plantation filled with underpaid workers slaving away under the scorching sun, and we pan out to see Krabs, wearing suspenders, a white jacket, and a bolo tie, proudly looking over it. "Wherever the money was, I followed."
The Flying Dutchman smirked at Krabs. "Yes, but if memory serves, while ye raked in riches once in a while, ye weren't the best at holdin' on t' 'em fer long? What with yer many other hair-brained business ventures? Eh, eh?"
"Huh, guess that's nothing new either." A sardonic Squidward didn't doubt it. Krabs sent them both a cross look.
SpongeBob listened attentively. "Well…I guess you always were a hard worker at least, sir…"
Squidward sent him a tired glare. "You do realize what half of these exploits imply, right SpongeBob?" he asked flatly.
With a nervous look, SpongeBob didn't respond and instead kept his blue eyes on Krabs. "But Mr. Krabs, if you have been around this long…what about your mother? Did you share your youth-sustaining water with her-"
The Flying Dutchman laughed brashly. "No! I think it be an open secret that sharin' isn't in his nature." He sneered at his captive, getting spit on him as he talked.
"I'd say he ain't takin' after his old lady but then again…" he sent Krabs a knowing look "…she ain't yer old lady, is she?"
"I was getting' t' that!" Krabs said impatiently before giving the ghost an indignant glare. "And fer the record, she WAS me mother…jus' not by blood."
"W-was?" SpongeBob fidgeted, and Krabs stiffened after realizing his slip-up and sent the sponge a saddened look. The boy must have noticed how old Betsy had stopped vising the Krusty Krab asking her son for money a while ago.
Squidward was curious too. Did Krabs hire some random old lady to pretend to be his mother? Why even bother? Not like any of the local peons would care to ask the cantankerous miser where his parents were, or even assume they were still around.
Krabs sighed, "Tis was 70 years ago, it was jus' another annual trip t' the fountain, but unfortunately…"
He blushed in embarrassment, "…there was an accident."
We see Krabs, decked in the same explorer get-up as during his last trip, humming happily while approaching the glowing fountain with a rum jug in his claws.
But one of his peg-like legs got caught in a crack in the ground, making him flail around clumsily and drop the jug as he tried to keep his balance before falling into the fountain with a big splash.
We see his claws break the surface, growing smaller each time, until a tiny and adorable baby Eugene hauled himself out of the fountain, still clad in his now grossly oversized clothes.
"Aww, bawnacles!" he lamented in a ridiculously high-pitched voice as he looked at his reflection in the water.
"I retained me mental faculties, but I was no longer in the right shape t' do me usual business, forcin' me t' lay low til I was old enough t' resume me exploits. So I finagled me way into a foster home."
"You mean Betsy Krabs really isn't your mother?" a fidgeting SpongeBob gripped his seat. "But…but… you have the same last name?"
"Aye, we did." Krabs said with a sad smile. "It be a very common surname among crustaceans, especially in the old days. It worked out well enough fer me."
We cut to another flashback.
A diaper-wearing Eugene pulled a baby basket onto a front porch, panting heavily afterward. He couldn't wait to grow out of this pathetic, puny body. Joining the Navy when he was a strapping lad again would probably help speed things up.
He placed a note into it the basket, then jumped in himself, and knocked on the door, before pulling the blanket over him and adopting his best cute face as the door opened.
"Mother of pearl, what do we 'ave here?" a young Betsy appeared, wearing an old fashion floral sun hat, and picked up little Eugene. "Aren't ye jus' the most precious thing?"
He gave her the note to read, which just said, "I'm an adorable little doorstep baby, please adopt me. Name's Eugene."
"My, my…" Betsy grew a forlorn look. "We might be in the middle of a record-breaking economic depression but that's no excuse t' abandon helpless little babes."
"Don't worry, little one. Ye have a new home now." She cradled Eugene before carrying him in over her shoulder, allowing him to snicker evilly.
With a nostalgic glint in his eyes, Krabs sighed. "That woman was a real spitfire, she really was the ideal mother fer me."
His face turned somber again. "But she wasn't jokin'. At the time, few people in Bikini Bottom had a dime t' spare. Me and me new momma had t' scrape by. And I thought me first childhood was rough."
"And even that failed t' teach ye anythin'." The Flying Dutchman shook his head.
From his crew's looks, Krabs could tell they remembered his (second) childhood story, which he had first shared with them 13 years ago, shedding some light on his relationship with his mortal enemy.
"At school, I met me future nemesis and fer a while, we were thick as thieves, til our attempt t' start our own business drove us apart. We both struck out on our own, me Krabby Patties were an instant hit and soon enough, me and me mother were no longer livin' in squalor but I lost me best pal, who was in for a tough future, yadda, yadda, yadda, ye already know this."
"Heh, if it's any consolation…" the Flying Dutchman said with mock sympathy "…ye two villains will be on equal footin' once more, he's been waitin' fer ye."
"Oh?" Krabs just raised an eyebrow. "Guess his synthetic body finally quit on 'im, huh?"
The Flying Dutchman nodded and Krabs glanced down and sighed. "Well, guess I can at least try and apologize t' ol' Sheldon fer stringin' 'im along all these years."
Deep down, SpongeBob knew exactly what this meant, but he wouldn't accept it. "Mr. Krabs…" the trembling sponge started but was cut off.
"Boys, looks like this is it, we had a good run. Twenty years ain't bad." Krabs told his two employees with a sullen look. "Mr. Squidward, Mr. SquarePants, ye were the best crew I could have asked fer."
SpongeBob sniffed and his lips trembled, while Squidward sported a skeptical scowl.
"…well, mostly ye, SpongeBob. Ye were a model employee." Krabs pointed at the younger employee before turning to Squidward. "But I'll also miss yer sarcastic quips and disgruntled disposition, Squidward. It always helped t'…. balance out SpongeBob's boundless enthusiasm."
Squidward's face softened a bit. He knew that compliment was genuine.
"But what about Pearl?" SpongeBob hastily asked, desperate to keep this conversation from ending. "Why did you decide to adopt her? Was it because you yourself were adopted, or something else?"
The Flying Dutchman rolled his eyes while Krabs sported an uncertain look and rubbed the back of his head. "Not exactly…I think she'll do a better job explainin' why I took her in than I ever could."
"But, Mr. Krabs?! You still haven't told us why-"
"Yeah, yeah, story time's over!" The Flying Dutchman cut in irritably. "I'm not one t' deny a fellow sailor the chance t' share their life story in their final hour, but I absolutely detest long sappy goodbyes."
"So if ye don't mind…" he stuck his ghostly hand into Krabs's chest "…I've been itchin' t' get me hands on yer wretched soul fer a long time!"
"Take care of the Krusty Krab!" A mortified Krabs hastily told his soon-to-be-former crew.
Squidward could do nothing but wave goodbye, but SpongeBob panicked and jumped out of his seat.
"Nooo! Please, wait! You can't do this!" he cried and flailed his arms.
