Chapter Nineteen

No one invited Harry out on New Year's Eve to his immense relief. Sure, he had plenty of invitations piled up on the kitchen table downstairs unopened, but none from anyone he was actually interested in seeing. His friends had been keeping their distance since the disaster at Christmas. Not that he could blame them. It had all been a terrible mess. The consequences of that night likely hadn't been fully realized yet. He wasn't looking forward to the backlash.

Harry's initial plan to ring in the New Year was to just spend the evening at home with a bottle trying to find the bottom of it, but even he had to admit that sounded a little too depressing. Holidays were meant to be spent around other people. He wished Luna was back from her trip abroad. There were a number of delightfully naughty ways the two of them could celebrate. Unfortunately, she and her father weren't expected back for at least another week. He missed her more than he wanted to consider. She was a bright spot in an existence that often felt hollow and sad. Maybe Ron was right about finally getting serious with her now that he completed his mission and didn't die. He wasn't getting any younger.

A Muggle pub in London was where he finally ended up. Having never gone there before and it being located in a part of the city where witches and wizard rarely ventured, he enjoyed the anonymity it provided. No one knew who he was and he loved it. Other than a few kind smiles, none of the women seemed interested in him. Maybe that would've once injured his fragile male pride, but after all of the witches who'd thrown themselves at him since he returned from Greenland, it was a nice change of pace. Ever since he first learned he was famous as a child, he reveled in the moments when nobody knew who he was.

As he sat on a stool at the end of the bar listening to all of the laughter and conversations around him, he felt a mixture of sadness and envy he couldn't quite suppress. His early life with his aunt and uncle hadn't been terribly happy, some would even describe that time as abusive, but he couldn't deny his life had been simpler. No one in that pub had ever had to worry about an evil dark wizard hunting them down just for existing. Of that he was positive. Did ordinary people with stable, unexciting lives appreciate what they had? Somehow he doubted they did. No one was truly ever satisfied with the life they were given. What a spectacular waste.

With no fear that he would end up on the front page of the Daily Prophet the next morning, Harry wasn't careful with the amount he drank. All night long he kept a glass in his hand filled with something. If the clueless Muggles were able to enjoy themselves fully, why shouldn't he? He had more of a right than any of them with their cushy, simple, uncomplicated lives. They would never understand the sacrifices the unremarkable man in the corner with the messy black hair made to keep their world safe from first Lord Voldemort and then the dementors. Even if he tried to educate them, he'd only be written off as a nutter or worse, arrested for public drunkenness.

It was well after midnight before he stumbled through his front door more inebriated than he was even on Christmas. The streets had grown quiet as even the last of the merrymakers called it a night. He might have stayed longer if the Muggle proprietor hadn't so rudely steered him towards the door. Clearly the man had no idea who he was dealing with. If he had, he might have shown Harry just a little more respect. No matter. The night was over. Unable to bear even the thought of climbing the stairs to his bedroom, he collapsed on a sofa in the library. He fell asleep at once.

The delivery of the morning edition of the Daily Prophet bring dropped on his face woke him up out of a sound sleep only a few hours later. He was annoyed by the audacity and the cheek of the delivery owl. The pounding in his head and the churning in his guts warned him that the hangover he was going to experience when he fully woke up was going to be miserable indeed. Anxious to fling the damned newspaper across the room, he snatched it off his face.

The headline on the front page stopped him. Harry sat up to read the article with a terrible sinking in his stomach.


A great many thoughts passed through Hermione's mind in the first few seconds she realized she'd actually kissed Barty Crouch Jr. in that hazy state where she was neither fully awake nor fully asleep. Few made much sense. Both of the participants in the unexpected but entirely chaste kiss were obviously rattled by the act. Barty was finally the one who moved his head back away from hers.

The clearing of his throat sounded unnaturally loud in Hermione's ears. Only the glowing screen on the television provided any light to the room. Even in the near-darkness she could see that his cheeks were red. Had she ever felt more humiliated in her entire life? Not likely. She couldn't even begin to imagine what he must be thinking.

"I'm so… I'm very sorry. I was having a dream and…"

No explanation seemed good enough.

"It was my fault. I thought you would want to know it was midnight. I shouldn't have tried to wake you up."

It was painfully uncomfortable in the aftermath of the accident. Hermione was more and more certain she'd never been more embarrassed. Unable to be there another moment, she jumped to her feet and nearly tripped over the warm blanket she hadn't realized was laid on top of her. At some point while she was asleep he must've covered her up. The thoughtful gesture just embarrassed her even more. Without speaking another word, she rushed to her bedroom feeling like a complete fool with each step.

Sleep was impossible that night. Usually, under ordinary circumstances she didn't have any trouble falling asleep and on the rare nights she did, she had sleeping potions to help. All she could think about was the kiss. Truthfully, it was barely a kiss and lasted only a matter of a second or two, but it thoroughly consumed her thoughts. Was she horrified that in her mostly asleep state she kissed a Death Eater or because wide awake she couldn't deny she wouldn't mind kissing him again?

It was all complete madness. Clearly it had been too long since she was in an actual romantic relationship. Kingsley didn't count. How could she ever look Barty in the eye again? Perhaps it would be a good idea to encourage him to find somewhere else to live. He was right about her home not being a long-term solution. There had to be a better option.

The morning sun was just barely poking over the horizon when she forced herself out of bed. Likely at some point she dozed throughout the night but she was positive she didn't get any restful sleep. How could she? If it had been a regular day and not a holiday, she would've just gone to work as an escape. Hermione hated that the Ministry of Magic discouraged its officials to work on major holidays. Feeling a deep weariness down into her bones, she hoped that if she went for a walk she might be able to make herself sleepy enough to actually rest. Spending the entire day in bed asleep didn't sound like the worst idea. Avoiding Barty would be much simpler that way.

Hermione removed an extra Muggle-style coat out of her wardrobe to put over her pajamas. Carefully she snuck out of her bedroom without making too much unnecessary noise. The rest of the house was quiet. Barty must've still been asleep. She didn't dare relax until she was outside, fearful every second he was going to step out of his bedroom to force a conversation she wasn't ready for yet.

Although it was freezing outside and no sane person should be out wandering around, she loved the peace and quiet. Moving out of her London flat had been the right decision. Most people were still in bed with few expected to go to work that day. Likely she wouldn't cross paths with any of her Muggle neighbors no matter where she walked. If she had been able to sleep, she certainly wouldn't have been up if she could help it.

As they usually did, her feet began to head straight for the cliffs as if they could make their own decisions. She stopped herself before she got very far. The cliffs would only make her think of Barty and she was trying to do all in her power to not think of him at all. She would never be able to stand at the cliffs without thinking about their conversation about death and the fact he worried she was going to kill herself.

Time hadn't made thinking about his concerns less upsetting. Did she really give off the impression that she was going to end it all with one leap off the edge? She knew she wasn't the happiest person alive but that didn't mean she was suicidal. Had others seen her and thought she was that disturbed too? It bothered her immensely. She worried she looked weak or somehow broken. Life hadn't turned out like she expected it would.

Despite her best efforts to avoid the cliffs, she ended up there anyway. The spot always calmed her down when she needed help. It was hard to explain why. For once she didn't even try to. If any amount of peace could be found just staring out over the crashing waves, she should accept it and appreciate it. Keeping track of time was difficult. The movement of the water had a trance-like effect on her when she stopped and allowed it to happen. Unsure how long she was there, all she knew was she almost felt calm enough to be normal again.

"I know I might not be the person you really wished to kiss at midnight, but surely it wasn't so dreadful you're considering throwing yourself down onto those rocks."

Barty's voice shocked Hermione enough that she physically jumped when she heard it spoken. So lost was she in her own thoughts she had no idea he was approaching. If she was still living in a time of war and great danger, she would be at a disadvantage, likely dead or wounded with hardly little effort on the part of her foe. When she registered the actual words that he said, she was amazed he was able to make jokes both about kissing her and her killing herself. Could he be any more complicated than he already was? She hated herself a little for feeling curious and fascinated by what was inside his brain.

Trying to feel brave or at least give off the impression that she was, Hermione turned towards Barty to look him in the eye. That turned out to be a terrible idea. All she could think about was when she kissed him the night before. Would she ever be able to look at him again without remembering? It seemed highly unlikely. Everything was just so damned bizarre. Unsure yet again what to say in response, she decided to start the walk back to the house.

"I'll leave you so you can be alone."

When she passed by him, Barty reached out to grab her arm, stopping her in place. The touch wasn't painful in the slightest. On the contrary, he was far more gentle than she realized he was capable. He didn't release her at once. Through several layers of her clothing, she could feel goosebumps pop up on her flesh.

"I didn't come out here to be alone. I came out here because I knew this is where I would find you."

She felt her cheeks burn. Desperately she hoped it was only due to the cold air and not for any other reason. Admitting that the wizard had that effect on her wasn't something she was quite ready to do yet.

"I'm not in any danger of throwing myself off this cliff. You needn't bother to have come to check on me."

"I wanted to talk to you and I assumed I would only get the chance if I caught you outside your bedroom."

Her imagination went wild trying to think what he would want to speak to her about. The kiss, naturally, but there was a promise of much more in his intense eyes. Gently she shrugged out of his grip, but didn't make a run for it. Sheer determination kept her feet rooted to the ground. As desperately as she wished to run, she forced herself to remain. Running would only make her look like a coward and damn it, she was curious.

"If you're wanting another apology for what I did…"

"No, no, no. I don't want an apology. I'm well aware that I wasn't the one you dreamed you were kissing but I would never ask you to apologize for it, especially since I'm not sorry it happened."

He continued to be full of surprises. Never would she have expected him to come right out and admit that. She felt her eyes widen at his confession. The man had the nerve to chuckle about it too. What could he possibly find so amusing?

"What? It's been far longer than I care to admit since I was last kissed by an attractive witch. I would be a fool to not try to find some enjoyment out of it."

Every word he said only made her brow furrow even further in confusion. No, there would never be a day when she could be confident enough to say she understood the first thing about the strange man. He would always be a mystery she just couldn't quite solve. Why did he seem to actually enjoy making her uncomfortable? Was that just a sick game he enjoyed playing? There was no question there were some serious psychological issues in his brain. How could there not be after the life he'd lived and all of the experiences he'd endured?

"I was dreaming."

Barty's sigh was more dramatic than it usually was.

"I'm well aware. No matter what my deepest, darkest fantasies are when I'm alone, I know there's not a situation where you would ever willingly kiss me."

There was a bitterness in his tone that she didn't care to hear. Sounding more like he did the day he woke up in St. Mungo's, she half-expected him to start making more crude remarks about her body again. It was unnerving. She felt as if they had moved backwards. Hadn't they already gotten past his need to put on the obnoxious show?

"I don't like you when you act like this."

His smirk didn't feel entirely friendly. Had she really hurt his pride so much? Men could be very sensitive at times even if they tried hard to act like they weren't. It was a normal human emotion. Nothing to be ashamed of. Why did he look as if he was considering pushing her off the edge of the cliff?

"I didn't realize there was ever a time you liked me at all."

It was her turn to sigh dramatically. All she wanted was to run away. Letting him stop her with the touch on her arm had been a poor mistake. She seemed to be making a number of those in recent weeks. Hiding away was much easier and much more preferable than interacting with the sullen, petulant part of him she loathed. He could switch moods faster than anyone she'd ever known. Other than angry, obnoxious, fifth year Harry that was. She wasn't sure Barty had it in him even at his worst to be that frustrating and annoying.

Words continued to fail her. Likely it wouldn't have mattered if she had been able to respond to his remark. He wouldn't have appreciated anything she had to say. It seemed much safer to just rush back to her house. Not daring to look behind her, she all but ran the entire distance. Only when she reached her kitchen door did she look back to see that he hadn't even bothered to follow her. Small mercies, she supposed.

Inside her bedroom with the security wards raised again to keep any unwanted visitors out, Hermione headed straight for her bathroom. It wasn't the best idea she had ever had, but she swallowed an entire vial of potion moments after wrapping her hand around the glass. All she wanted to do was crawl underneath her blankets and forget what a dismal start to the year it had been. She knew she was a bloody coward and the worst example of how a Gryffindor should act, but she didn't have enough spare emotional energy to care. Maybe she would be in a better position to endure being in Barty's presence again when she woke up.

The house was quiet when she opened her eyes again. Unsure how many hours passed, she knew it had been far too many. Likely enough to shame and embarrass her when she added them up, she just rolled over onto her side to get a look at her alarm clock. She was heavy-handed with the potion on purpose. At least she felt well-rested for the first time in a very long time.

It was early in the morning again. She slept nearly an entire day. With a heavy sigh, she forced herself to put her feet on the ground. Some days she felt like she was just wasting her life. Spending an entire day in bed when she wasn't physically ill was proof of that. At least she could go into the office that day she was pleased to remember. Work was one way to keep her mind occupied.

Her morning shower was far longer than she was used to, but there seemed no need to rush through the experience. Besides, it was impossible not to feel gross after spending so much time lying in bed. When she was dressed and ready for work, she took a deep breath before stepping out of her bedroom. Barty kept such odd hours there was no way to be sure he wasn't already up. Their conversation hadn't gone well the day before. What if he made certain to wait outside her bedroom door until she made her exit?

Only the fact that she couldn't hear the sound from the television set when she pressed her ear against her bedroom door and removed the silencing spell encouraged her to leave. The house was so quiet she couldn't imagine he was awake. Or he was avoiding her too.

Just a single step outside into the lounge she worried she had been too hasty to use the door. Her bedroom window wasn't that far off the ground. She could've jumped out of it and landed safely on the grass. Just as she feared, Barty was on the sofa. There would be no way to leave through the front door without passing him. At least he was asleep. If she could be very careful with her steps and not make any sound, she might be able to leave without him waking up.

Was it an accident that he fell asleep there or was it his way of trying to catch her when she finally left her bedroom? It wouldn't be the first time he'd fallen asleep watching television. Usually the set would still be blaring. If he waited for her, it must have been a long day. No wonder he fell asleep.

It was her obnoxious curiosity that kept her rooted in place to stare at her houseguest while he slept. Seeing him sleeping peacefully was encouraging after the night she had to wake him up from a horrible nightmare. She hoped he had been able to figure out how to have a restful night's sleep since then. It hadn't felt appropriate to ask. Ordinarily it wouldn't bother her to be nosy and ask questions she shouldn't, but she wasn't sure why she hadn't gathered up the courage to ask. Maybe she didn't want to know the answer. Being unable to escape into sleep sounded miserable. Or maybe she wasn't ready to get too personal with the man. They were okay making superficial comments to each other most days. On the rare occasion one or both of them shared something serious, they tried to move on like it never happened.

Barty's head rested on one of the sofa's scatter cushions, but he had no blanket. If it had been his plan to wait there for her to exit, he hadn't been well-prepared. It was easy to tell he was cold even at that distance. The way he held his arms against his chest was a clear sign. So was what she thought were goosebumps on the exposed part of his forearms. Remembering how he was kind enough to cover her with a blanket when she was asleep, Hermione grabbed the blanket she kept on the back of the sofa to gently lay it on top of him. She tried to be careful to ensure she didn't wake him.

Almost as soon as the blanket covered the man, he started to get agitated in his sleep. Was he dreaming? Had she disturbed him? Fearful that she was about to be witness to the same sort of awful episode she saw that night in his bedroom weeks earlier, she was tempted to wake him up, damn the consequences or potentially awkward conversation that might follow. Before she could even reach down to shake him, the two kittens climbed out of the basket that he kept on the floor next to him to jump onto the sofa. They settled themselves down on his chest. The female he still insisted on calling One snuggled her head tenderly under his chin. Within moments, Barty calmed down in his sleep. The effect the kittens had on him was amazing. Obviously he needed them just as much as they needed him. Animals were incredible. She tiptoed to the front door to make as little noise as possible. Interrupting that scene just seemed unnecessarily cruel.

Because she had gotten up so early, Hermione was able to arrive at the Ministry of Magic before most of the other officials. She didn't mind. The quiet was soothing. Not wishing to waste any time, she headed straight for her office and grabbed the first contract off the top of the stack to review. Her usual work had been sorely neglected while she focused almost exclusively on Barty's case the week before. Blaise wouldn't return for at least another day to her relief, more incentive to try to get more of their work completed. She didn't want to hear him make snide remarks about her not doing anything in his absence, or worse, figure out how much time she devoted to sifting through the old laws.

Of course the real reason she was glad Blaise wouldn't be there was because she knew he had a terrible effect on her. One look at her and he would know that something was off. Knowing him, he'd have a confession out of her about the kiss in no time. He had a gift for making her say too much. Hopefully, the additional time apart would help her figure out how to hide her secret a little more effectively.

There was no reason to exit her office at all that day thanks to a large stack she had been neglecting. Except for a few minutes in the afternoon when she could no longer ignore her hunger and she grabbed a sandwich in the canteen, she remained busy. Venturing out had been uneventful. A few people looked at her and then turned away when she noticed. It seemed odd, but she had gotten used to strange looks from her coworkers. She wasn't exactly the most popular person in the building. The looks didn't bother her.

Back in her office she remained later than most of her fellow officials for a few reasons. One, she lost track of time. It was easy to do when the work she completed was so monotonous and dull. She also continued to feel guilty that the pile of contracts and briefs had been so neglected. Mostly, she wasn't ready to face Barty yet. Sneaking past him while he was asleep on the sofa wasn't going to work twice in one day.

When her eyes started to cross from too much reading and that awful headache she'd been battling returned, she knew she was going to have to tap into her Gryffindor courage to face her houseguest no matter how uncomfortable it might be. She had to be brave and couldn't linger at the Ministry hoping the situation would somehow get magically better without any effort. Once she exited the employee entrance and stood outside the anti-Apparition wards, she spun around with her front door the destination in mind. The moment her feet hit the ground she pushed open the door to not chicken out. In an effort to further keep her from losing her nerve, she stepped quickly inside and closed the door. There would be no escape from the ensuing unpleasantness.

The house was quiet again. It figured that the moment she was ready to get the ordeal over with, he wouldn't be there. There was no one in the lounge and the door to his bedroom was open. A quick glance inside proved it was empty too. Seeing no sign of him was almost more frustrating than seeing too much of him. She stepped into the kitchen hoping he would be in there making something to eat. The only life in the entire house apart from her came from the two kittens snuggled up together in their basket by the fireplace asleep.

His cloak was missing off its hook. At least he was bundling up when he went outside. Hermione couldn't explain the odd compulsion she had to find him. Maybe after preparing herself to step inside and confront him, she was finally ready to have a real conversation with him that she should've had the day before. Leaving her own cloak on, she left through the kitchen door. There was no question in her mind where she would find him.

If she hadn't seen him asleep on the sofa that morning, she might have thought he hadn't moved away from the cliffs since she ran. Standing in the same spot, Barty stared out at the ocean. When she got closer, he turned towards her.

"Did you find a law today that will send me back to Azkaban?"

It shouldn't have made her chuckle, especially since it had been so tense between them since the accidental kiss, but it did.

"Not today. Maybe tomorrow."

His smirk was kinder than it had been the last time they stood at the cliffs together.

"That's a relief."

Without saying another word, Barty closed the distance between them and wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her close enough for a kiss.