Hi Everyone! It's been so long since the last time I saw you all! I actually became incredibly busy with life and this chapter was... harder to write than previously anticipated.
Without further ado, happy reading!
Relationships are mended with actions and words.
guilt that has gravity
(7 Years Ago)
A deep breath to calm yourself, a momentary lapse in the conundrum of the day to day, a single moment to not be overwhelmed by everything that was happening today. She glanced to her right as she made her way towards the fusuma, pale blue-green eyes looked at her kindly and she took whatever strength and comfort she could from them as she approached what she believed would be the most difficult conversation she would have in her life.
Gaara had kindly offered his dojo's meeting room to accommodate this conversation in a neutral but private environment. He had even brought some of the maids from his home state to assist in serving the food that had been catered specifically for this event. They approached the door as a maid left it, she bowed politely to them and based on the tray that she was carrying they were able to surmise that tea and refreshments had been provided. The girl smiled at them as she kneeled and opened the door a bit with her left hand, announcing to those inside that there were people about to enter the room. She then moved her left hand down and opened the door halfway, revealing Gaara and Hinata side by side waiting to enter the room. She then opened the door the rest of the way and moved out of the way so that Gaara and Hinata may enter.
Their guest had risen from the zabuton to greet them, and with a polite bow they all settled once again on the cushions. Gaara served Hinata with some tea, and for once she was thankful that he had chosen the bigger table for them to share. She took a sip of the tea that was shared and lifted her eyes to meet the gray eyes staring back at her. Three pairs of eyes identical to her own stared back, a gamut of emotions fleeting through them and try as she may to discern what they meant she simply could not. Hiashi cleared his throat and glanced at Gaara as if to gauge whether it was ok to speak right now with him present. Hinata could see that there was an internal struggle taking place within her father's eyes and also cleared her throat.
"Hello father." she greeted and then glanced to each side of him. "Neji-nii… Hanabi."
Pain, the reflection of it within Neji's and Hanabi's eyes, was so raw and impossible to misinterpret that Hinata felt her heart squeeze with the knowledge that she had caused it. Taking another sip from her tea her eyes came to rest upon Hiashi's who was looking at her as though he was unsure if she was real. She smiled tentatively and tilted her head to one side, observing as her father swallowed the words that he obviously wanted to tell her.
"It's been… so long." The whisper was almost broken, but it carried the strength of the Hyuuga patriarch within it.
"It's been years." Neji's voice was full of wonder as though he feared that if he spoke too loudly or too fast the mirage in front of him would disappear.
"I'm sorry… I should have reached out sooner." She relented as she held her father's watery stare. To her surprise Hanabi had not opened her mouth, and continued to look between them with a glint of steel in her eyes.
"The food will be here shortly." Gaara's calm voice cut through the silence that had begun to settle around the table. "I will leave you to enjoy this time as a family." He stood now, and exchanging a meaningful stare with Hinata departed from the room.
"Are you married?" The question came from Hanabi. Hinata choked on the tea she had been drinking and Neji paled.
"No! Wh-what makes you think that?" Hinata sputtered, Hanabi shrugged and pointedly looked towards the door from which Gaara had left.
"Hanabi, let your sister be. She will tell us what she wants to and we will not demand additional information." Hiashi's commanding voice cut through the table before Hanabi was able to retort. "I presume there is a reason you asked to meet us today, we will listen."
Hinata was taken aback, out of the reactions that she had anticipated and prepared for, understanding had not been one of them and she was not sure how she should react at this time. The food arrived at that moment, giving her sufficient time to gather her wits about her as she attempted to articulate the reason she was meeting them. One of them was that she could no longer hide Haru in the Kyudo scene, he was improving daily and eventually would run into them if he wished to continue participating in competitions, a random unknown Hyuuga would most certainly catch their attention and she did not want it to blind side them. The second reason being her therapist advised her that this was something that needed to happen, ideally on her own terms. She had consulted with Gaara who had graciously accommodated her in order to make this meeting happen and she did not want to appear ungrateful for all the help that he had provided her with.
"I… I'm sorry, I should have…'' there was a knot in her throat preventing her from finishing her sentences. Her lungs couldn't intake the air that was needed to form the words that she needed to say, but before she could lose her momentum she looked at them with as much bravery as she could muster. "Please hear me out first, you can ask as many questions as you want once I'm over but… I don't know if I will be able to tell you all of it if you interrupt me." She said this almost sheepishly, but her gaze never wavered. Hinata was surprised when her family glanced at each other and nodded in agreement. Taking a deep breath, she waited for the food to be placed between them before speaking.
"A week before graduation I found out I was pregnant." The words hung between them for a moment, and Hinata gracefully served herself some tea. Hanabi's chopsticks stopped halfway between the sashimi plate and her own.
"I knew you wouldn't approve. I was set to leave for the regional competition a few weeks later, not to mention all the practice and training I would undertake as I got ready for nationals. Pregnancy changes your body." She set the teacup down and stared intently at its contents. "I knew you would not have wanted to risk the championships. I knew you would give me no choice. So I left."
Neji looked as though he wanted to open his mouth and speak, to throw a retort in her direction as though that would change the truth. Hiashi shook his head and without looking away from her he grabbed a piece of sashimi and chewed it carefully before swallowing, letting her know that he would not interrupt.
"I grabbed what I could from my room that I knew would make me money, I didn't know how quickly that money would run out…" She was pensive as she wrapped her hands around her teacup, finding the strength within the warmth it radiated. "I found a job in Hacho as a waitress for a not very… reputable bar." Her cheeks dusted pink as she relayed that part of her story and honestly she had no intention of going into too much detail.
Hanabi snorted, but recovered by drinking some water and giving her sister an innocent look. Neji looked between them, a furrow forming between his brows; his confusion almost made Hinata smile. It would have, if the knowledge that he didn't understand didn't make her want to cry as well.
"Life wasn't easy at first." Hinata tilted her head, the bitter smile reflected a pain that the three Hyuuga couldn't begin to comprehend. "I didn't really know the value of money back then. I had never wanted for anything, had never had to budget, didn't really grasp how expensive living could be for one person let alone for two."
There was a headache that was forming behind her eyes, but she pushed through the discomfort as she tried her best to detail her life prior to today. How do you put into words the guilt that had consumed her? The fog that had ruled her daily life? How do you make the fear that had ruled her life make sense to those around her? How do you describe the acrid smell of dried tears as the strength of her self hatred grew from within her? Taking a sip from her tea she sighed.
"I wasn't prepared for what it would take to keep us clothed and fed, I didn't understand… I couldn't grasp how anyone could make it. Roommates and housemates was not something that ever crossed my mind and I did seek help from other public services. Though I am sure you know by now those are few and far between in our city." There was a hint of bitterness in her voice, something sharp and angry that was new to those who had seen her grow.
"I did what I had to do to keep us safe." She finished unceremoniously. "There were times I… Food was scarce. Money was tight, learning how to budget for the first time when you are expecting a child was not the easiest lessons I ever had to learn, but it most certainly wasn't the hardest. I made sure that he was provided for."
"Itachi found us… I think it must have been when Haru was five?" There was a moment of pensiveness, though Hinata still did not bother to really study the pale faces across from her. Hanabi had not stopped snacking since the conversation began, but Hiashi and Neji had long forgotten the food. "I think it was almost a year before… He let us move in with him. Adjusting was… more difficult than I anticipated and I wasn't… I had a lot to work through before I was ready to meet anyone from the past." Hinata stopped talking, having said everything she had been willing to share with them in regards to her life prior to moving in with Itachi.
"...I… have a grandson?" Hiashi asked, voice full of wonder, chopsticks forgotten by his hand.
"Hinata, how could you keep this from us?" Neji followed up, eyes wide and accusatory.
"Please, like father would not have demanded she get rid of it." Hanabi said flippantly. "Hinata was a rising star in Kyujutsu, do you think he would have allowed her to "ruin" her life by giving birth?"
Hinata's eyes snapped to Hanabi, surprised that her sister would see so clearly what she had struggled to get others to see. Her father had definitely mellowed over the years, she could see that clearly now. Hinata was sure that at the time when she had learned of Haru, with her career as a competitive Kyujutsu master in its most delicate stages, his stance would be much different than it was now. The art of drawing the bowstring was intricately tied to your body, the lines it formed, the movement of muscle and sinew as one with the lacquered wood and the string. The risk of a career ending injury during a pregnancy and even during delivery was too high. These things could not be ignored, not when the honor of your family's dojo rode on your too thin shoulders. Neji had been gifted in ways that she could only dream about, but Hinata had worked hard, and through that work became a force to be reckoned with when the bow was in her hands. Neji had the decency to look contrite at Hanabi's words, Hiashi had not yet closed his mouth, a stupefied look glazing his gray eyes. Hanabi seemed to be the only one that could muster a conversation out of the three.
"What do you do now? I assume you're no longer working or living in Hacho."
Hanabi inquired, her eyes staring straight into Hinata's. There was curiosity and mirth there, but also a hunger that Hinata couldn't really place.
"I'm still living with Itachi-san at his residence." Hinata reached into her purse and brought out what appeared to be a very thin book, she placed it upon the table and slid it their way. The cover was in soft watercolors and it depicted a black bunny sitting atop what could on;y be described as the moon. "I… I won a competition and uhm… I have been offered the opportunity to publish…" A light dusting of pink colored her cheeks and the smile that adorned her lips was so very small it was easy to miss.
"A writer?" Hiashi's voice cut through the silence that followed, his eyes shaking with emotions that Hinata couldn't place. "Did you also illustrate the book?" Hinata nodded at his question and she watched with apprehension as her father reached between them and grabbed the book. His long fingers had trembled as he secured the book within his hands. Hiashi's brow furrowed in a way that reminded Hinata of Haru when he was thinking hard of which words to use.
She watched in amazement as Hiashi looked at the book as though it was the most precious item he had ever held in his hands and carefully opened it to look inside. Neji was still staring despondent at the table between them and Hanabi popped another piece of Sashimi into her mouth, her wolfish grin growing bigger as the Hyuuga patriarch swallowed back whatever emotions the book was bringing to the surface.
"This… is a wonderful story." He concluded, clearing his throat. He set the book down and looked at her with something that resembled pride. "May I keep it?"
Hinata's eyes widened in shock, and she looked at her sister as though asking for permission. Hanabi shrugged and took another bite from the sashimi platter, the grin that followed could only be described as one brought on by joy. Hinata nodded shyly, unsure as to how things got to be this way, but grateful that they were going well.
"You are… correct in believing that I would have… not welcomed a child so early in your career." the words appeared to be a struggle to get out. Hiashi spoke slowly and deliberately. Neji opened his mouth to protest, but at Hiashi's raised hand he bit down whatever words were begging to come out. "You worked hard… harder than I ever gave you credit for in order to master our Kyujutsu style and I would have been… unwilling to see you throw that away for something I would not have thought you ready for."
Tears, warm and painful, began to form in her eyes. She knew that he was disappointed and that he would struggle to see the logic in her decision, not that she could claim there had been any. She had prepared for the admonishment that was sure to come, she had worked with Kurenai to make sure she would respond appropriately and that it would not cause her to spiral, but it didn't make it any easier to hear.
"Raising a child comes with immense responsibility and sacrifice and as a father I would have wanted to spare you those difficult decisions." He continued. "Though I can't say that I understand or agree with the choices you have made…" He stopped mid sentence and looked at her as though whatever he was trying to say was not just difficult to articulate, but hard for him to admit. "Never… I would have never wanted you to go through this alone."
There was healing in the words that he uttered, but there was pain and impotence of a struggle unseen. Hiashi's eyes were now lost on the table, a faraway look that made Hinata wonder what horrors he was imagining as he tried to put to words whatever it was he wanted her to hear. Hanabi seemed undeterred, mirth playing along her eyes. Neji looked as though he wanted to break the table between them down. Anger that bubbled and made his steely eyes shine, though Hinata could not be sure at whom or what that anger was directed to. She opened her mouth to speak, to provide them with some words of comfort, to tell them she was ok, she had managed and that life was looking up. Before any of those words could find life outside of her throat Hiashi took a deep breath and bowed placing his hands firmly atop the table bowed his head.
"I'm sorry that you were forced to make such an impossible decision alone and unsupported." His voice trembled.
Hanabi's eyes were wide, almost comically so. Neji was still avoiding eye contact, but there was something in the way his shoulder dropped that let her know he was fighting the urge to mimic her father and beg for forgiveness he didn't fully believe he deserved.
"I sincerely hope that we are able to be in each other's lives moving forward. I would loathe to lose my daughter a second time." Hiashi had yet to raise his head, and it was evident that he was waiting for her permission to do so.
Hinata's words were failing her, the air had seized in her lungs depriving her of coherency as she stared at her father's head, she sputtered, fingers reaching towards him but not reaching him.
"Father…" She whispered, her voice sounded rough, raw with unshed tears. "Please lift your head." Hinata watched in awe as he did so, the eyes looking into hers were a shade of gray that felt all too familiar but the worry that was etched deep into them was so unfamiliar to her that it left her breathless. "I did not ask you to meet me today with the intention of never talking again. Please…"
"Soooo… Where is he?" Hanabi asked, fracturing with her voice the tension that had settled upon them. "Is he here?"
"Hanabi…" Neji whispered loudly as though admonishment had any effect on the younger Hyuuga.
"Huh? Wh-who?" Hinata asked, owlish eyes staring innocently and confused at her sister.
"My nephew. Duh?" Hanabi looked at Hinata as though she had grown a second head. Hinata's cheek flushed and she cleared her throat.
"W-would you like to meet him?" She asked bashfully. Neji's eyes widened only a fraction more than Hiashi's, Hanabi rolled her eyes as she waited for the two men to find their tongues. Hiashi nodded almost imperceptibly, a small smile bloomed along her face.
Hinata stood, the other three followed suit, the half finished sashimi platters abandoned without a second thought as she led them out of the meeting room and down the hall towards the Kyudojo, the shajo was towards the back of the house. Standing in front of the kamiza standing at the shai was Haru. He was still small for a 7 year old, but he appeared immense as he stood in complete concentration. Hinata glanced towards the hikae and made eye contact with Gaara, who dipped his chin slightly. She smiled brightly at him as she led her family towards him so they could observe Haru as he performed his hassetsu without disturbing him. Hinata glanced to her side and watched, with excitement bubbling in her stomach, as her father and her cousin looked upon her son in awe.
Translation notes:
Hacho : it's a village in canon, but trying to not call this Kabukicho was hard lol
Shajo: (shooting hall) The shajo is an open-faced building with a ceiling at least 3.8 meters high. It usually has a polished wooden floor and ideally is large enough to allow a space of 1.8 meters between the archers.
Shai: (shooting position) The shai is an imaginary line centered directly in front of the kamiza, and located precisely twenty-eight meters from the face of the target.
Hikae: (waiting area) During practice sessions this is an area where participants may observe the shooting. At examinations it is reserved for the next line of archers awaiting their turn to shoot.
Hassetsu: The Hassetsu are presented as separate actions only for the purpose of study. In truth, they are part of one continuous sequence of movements that are performed with seamless integration.
Whew! It's been so long everyone! I'm sorry for the long wait. I became super busy with work and didn't have any time to write. This chapter was harder to write than I thought it would be. Hopefully this helps a bit in clearing some things up. Someone had asked if Haru was a recognized Hyuuga child. The short answer is sort of? I honestly don't know what Haru's standing between the two families is. Is he more Uchiha than Hyuuga? He has most certainly spent most of his life with the Uchiha side, but he takes after his Hyuuga family in Kyudo/Kyujutsu talent. I like to think that Haru and Hinata are their own little family not weighed down by the trappings of their last names. On that note, Haru does have the Hyuuga last name, Sasuke is not in the birth certificate.
Fair warning, the next chapter is a continuation of chapter 8. There are ugly words exchanged and a lot of messy encounters in it (It's finished). It will not be for everyone and will most certainly not satisfy everyone. So please proceed with caution once I am able to post it.
As always, I appreciate all reviews. The Nala Council continues to go through them, so keep that in mind!
Much love,
Emi.
