Nineteen

Her teeth ground together as she climbed through the small tunnel, wincing at the small space that felt as if it was closing in on her. Breathing had become difficult, almost as if a tightness had formed in her chest that seemed to rise in her throat. Emily knew that it was the radiation that filled the chamber. It took every ounce of effort to continue on, her breathing becoming more ragged with each step until she had spotted the housings for the core.

The core itself was even more damaged than she had expected, and it would take a miracle to repair it. She could always punch it back into alignment. But that would only likely break her hand if she even considered it. She didn't bother hiding the fear that threatened to overwhelm her as she made the climb towards the device. Death was something everyone faced sooner or later. But the thought had never occurred to her until now.

She had always known that if she was going to die, she would do so helping people. She knew that Leonard wouldn't take it well. The bond they had was stronger than anything she had ever faced before. She wasn't even sure what the mental link between them would do to him if anything happened to her. And that only served to make her feel even more selfish than before. She was nothing more than a coward for doing this. She had enough red on her ledger that it wouldn't matter what happened to her. Everyone else would find some way of moving on, and she had a feeling that Leonard would too.

Some might call it the easy way out of a cruel life, but Emily had never given it much thought until then. She thought of all of the accomplishments she'd made over the years. If not for SHIELD, she would have been living in the streets struggling to survive. Or, worse. Emily realized with a start that her life had changed for the better when SHIELD stepped in. It gave her a sense of purpose and belonging. From there, she met some of the best people she could ever think of. Natasha, sure-footed and quick to strike back, had become the sister she always wanted. Clint, easy to tick off and even easier to trick, had become like a brother.

She remembered those first few weeks when she joined SHIELD, thinking how much hell it was going to be working under Fury's orders. It was Coulson who managed to convince her to stay. He'd become a better father for her than she could have asked for. He taught her that it was okay to be different, and to embrace her abilities. She knew she wouldn't have gotten this far in life if he hadn't given her a second chance.

Then, her mind drifted on towards the crew of the Enterprise. She wondered if they would even know what had happened. Or, if they would even care. More likely than not, they'd be happy someone had realigned the housings. Whether they knew she was the one responsible for the housings being realigned, was a whole different story. She doubted Jim would miss her after all was said and done. After all, she'd done nothing but prove his theory on why SHIELD agents couldn't be trusted. The rest of the crew was a different story. Scotty would've given her hell if he knew what she was putting herself through.

Then there was Leonard. Her heart wrenched with pain at the thought of how he would react if he knew what she was putting herself through. She'd always promised him that she would find some way of avoiding danger. But he knew that those were just empty promises. Even he was aware that their jobs were more than just an occupational hazard.

I would die for these people if I had the choice, she reminded herself silently. I would do whatever it takes to keep them safe.

Her chest was burning in pain as she finally reached the housings, holding tight to the beam before she kicked off and used them as leverage. That familiar sensation of a thousand needles piercing through her skin only made the pain that much more intense as she crashed into the metal, falling onto her shoulder with a cry of pain seconds later. She couldn't breathe, tears were starting to fill her eyes as she heard the rumbling sound of the Enterprise, signaling that it had finally stabilized its fall.

It took everything she had to climb back through the tunnel. She was pretty sure she had broken her shoulder as well, wincing as she reached the glass door leading into Engineering. She was surprised she had lasted as long as she had. One look through the glass was enough to fill her with relief. The Enterprise was safe. The crew was safe. That was all that mattered to her. Because in the end, her life wasn't worth it.

.

.

It took Jim a few seconds to finally regain consciousness. The back of his head was throbbing when he heard shouting in the background. He blinked a few times as he registered the sound of Scotty's voice. It sounded urgent, telling him that something terrible had happened. As Jim struggled to sit up, he finally spotted the Engineer standing near the com demanding Spock to join them. And it didn't take him long to realize why.

Jim's face fell the moment he spotted a familiar figure slouched against the windowed panel that led into the warp core. It suddenly felt as if someone had punched him in the gut as realization dawned on him. He could hardly recall what led to him getting knocked out. The only thing he did remember was joining Scotty and Emily to figure out if there was a way to save the warp core. Then he remembered Scotty warning them that someone would have to go inside to realign it. He'd been planning on making the climb himself, since he was the reason they'd gotten into this mess in the first place. But it seemed as if someone had beaten him to that plan.

"Mr. Scott," Spock acknowledged the Scotsman through the com.

"Sir, you better get down here," Scotty informed him, his voice grim. "Captain, you better hurry, I don't know how much time she has left."

He flinched at the grim tone of Scotty's voice. The CEO had clearly seen something that shook him to the core, and he didn't want Jim or himself to be there alone. Jim swallowed hard when he realized too late that Emily would have done this just to keep him and everyone else from having to sacrifice themselves. He would have gladly taken her place after dragging everyone down that path… he was the one who had been hungry for revenge, and everyone else paid the price for it.

Guilt stabbed him in the chest when he realized that she had gone out of her way because she felt obligated to. He'd done nothing but blame her for so long that this had become normal behavior. Jim swallowed hard at the cold dread sweeping through him in that moment. She was dead because he'd pushed her to that point. All at once, his thoughts suddenly went back to how McCoy was going to react to this news. He knew the doctor wasn't going to take it well, especially after seeing how close they always were. That only served to fuel his guilt when he knew of what they had been through prior to this mess.

"Bones should be here," Jim swallowed at that.

He already knew the doctor wouldn't take well to what had happened. What she had done not only saved the entire crew, but the ship as well. But at what cost? Scotty only shook his head, not wanting to face the infamous wrath of McCoy, especially given the state of the situation. He'd already seen McCoy when the man was pissed off, and he didn't want to be there when McCoy discovered what happened to Emily.

Jim reached the glass and knelt down, desperately wishing it had been the other way around as he saw her now. She lay crumpled on the floor, her skin paler than ever, the scars of what had happened more defined. A shiver swept through him as he thought of what she had endured to receive those scars. She'd only recently opened up about what had happened to her before she arrived at Starfleet. Seeing them now only left him realizing just how vulnerable she was. His heart sank when her hair fell to the side, and her scalp became more prominent. It was only then that he noticed the deep, angry looking scars that covered her scalp as well.

A shiver of rage burned within him when he realized that those scars were left by the same assholes she'd gone after and killed. Jim was only just beginning to understand the pain she endured while she was in their custody. It also left him wondering how much McCoy knew about those scars… surely the doctor would have seen them, and Jim could only imagine what must have been going through his head when he did.

Alive and healthy, she never seemed that way in person. She was always stubborn until the bitter end, often keeping the whole crew on their toes. More importantly though, she was stubborn enough to keep up with McCoy through everything, despite the shit the world threw at either of them. He wanted nothing more than to turn back the clock and take her place.

"Emily!" he shouted, hoping that it wasn't too late already. "Emily, come on, wake up!" he slammed his fists against the glass, not caring whether or not it broke. The moment she had started to stir was when he banged on the glass harder, "Emily, wake up!"

Her eyes finally snapped open, and she struggled to reach the glass door before collapsing in front of it, resting her head as she found enough strength to look up at him. Jim couldn't help but wince as he guessed how much it hurt to do even that. A lump formed in the back of his throat as he saw just how pale and weak she really looked in that moment. The guilt from earlier suddenly came rushing back at full-force when her eyes barely met his.

"Hey," she croaked.

Jim let out a sharp breath at that.

"Hey?" he repeated, struggling to keep his own emotions in check as he realized that she was dying. "'Hey'? What the hell is wrong with you?"

She didn't even have the strength to make a comeback. She winced as Spock finally arrived, the Vulcan staring at her in alarm as he realized who had saved the ship.

"Open it!" Spock shouted.

The only thing he could do was stare at her as he tried to make sense of why she would go out of her way to risk everything. Jim closed his eyes at that, realizing that this was who she was. She was more than a friend. She was part of his family, part of his crew and, she was someone who cared enough to give a shit about him when no one else would. The pain she was in left him wishing that he could have taken her place. Especially after everything she had already been through.

"Can't," she wheezed, her face scrunching with pain as her eyes closed.

"Come on, Emily," Jim pleaded, realizing that losing her was worse than he could have imagined. "Think about Bones, what's he gonna say when he finds out?"

McCoy was going to be devastated when he found out. Jim swallowed hard at the thought. Seeing the way she flinched told him that she had been thinking the same thing, and that left his heart wrenching even more with guilt.

"Why not?" Spock asked, looking between Jim and Scotty.

"The decontamination process is not complete," Scotty explained, his voice solemn as he shook his head, "you'd flood the whole compartment. The door's locked, sir."

"How is she?" Emily blinked, looking at Jim at the mention of McCoy.

It was too painful to think of what would happen when all was said and done. She had always told herself that if anything did happen to someone on the crew, it would be her. The last thing she wanted was for anyone to suffer the same fate she'd suffered on more than one occasion.

"You saved her," Jim reassured her, "And the crew."

"Good," she nodded at that, wincing as if even that was too much effort.

"Why'd you do it?" Jim found himself asking, realizing they only had a short amount of time left.

"'Cause, it wouldn't have mattered if I died," she explained in shaky breaths, trying to offer a faint smile. Jim couldn't shake off the sense of dread as he looked her in the eye, not missing how dull they were getting with each passing second. "My life was always insignificant... at least this way, you and the others are given a second chance."

A shiver of dread swept through Jim as he realized what she was implying with that notion. She belonged to this crew. She belonged with them as a family. He hated seeing her like this. He hated knowing that there wasn't anything he could do to make things better. He had no one to blame but himself for putting her in that position.

The worst part was knowing that she would do this over and over again just to prove a point. He thought back to what McCoy would say if he knew what she was doing to herself. The fact that she was willing to give her life to keep everyone else safe hurt more than he could ever admit out loud. Then there was the cold realization that she tried taking her life before in the past. This time her attempts had been successful, and Jim couldn't shake off the feeling that the news wouldn't bode well with McCoy.

"You're not afraid to die," he guessed.

Again, Emily nodded.

"Happens to everyone eventually," she shrugged.

The moment she had said that was when Jim nodded in understanding. He didn't want to lose her. Not when they'd made so much progress as friends over the last few months. He'd only just begun to understand who Emily really was, and to suddenly lose her was like a nail in the coffin.

"Spock?" he called to the Vulcan, having not heard the crack in his voice. "I'm scared," he admitted, knowing that when McCoy found out, it would not end well. McCoy had already suffered his fair share of pain in the past, and to lose the woman he loved, it was almost too much. He'd hardly noticed the tears he was struggling to fight back. Emily had become more than just a friend to him. She was his sister, and losing her meant more to him than he could have imagined. "How do you choose not to feel it?"

"I do not know," Spock admitted, swallowing hard as he realized that Emily had sacrificed her own life for that of the crew. Seeing the raw emotions in her eyes, the way she had cared for them; it was like she had always been part of this world. "Right now, I am failing."

And he was. When they first met, he never expected to find himself appreciating the banter they shared at the testing center. Liaison Coulson was kind and caring to those she trusted. She understood more than most humans ever could. And when he saw how close she was to Doctor McCoy, he knew that she had experienced more than most humans ever should. The fact that she would gladly give her life for someone like him left his mind numb with shock.

Jim finally looked down at the glass once more, lightly tapping it and pressing his hand against the glass where hers had rested as he realized she wasn't responding. The light in her eyes had faded, the light that had always given him a sense of purpose and hope. The same light that would always put a smile on McCoy's face, though he'd never show it around Jim. She was gone.

.

.

Sarah stood not far from the stretcher that was brought into medbay a few minutes later. The shift had been chaotic for the last couple of hours. From crew members coming in and out with new injuries to the ship nearly careening towards Earth. She had been running from one station to the next in the hopes of keeping herself distracted. Things hadn't gotten much better when the evacuation alarm went off hours later. It was also in that time when everyone thought McCoy was suffering from a mental breakdown.

The scene erupted into chaos when Nurse Chapel and Doctor M'Benga rushed over to McCoy's side to offer what little help they could. It only took a few seconds for them to realize that the pain he was feeling was likely from a bond he shared with Coulson. Sarah's heart sank the moment she realized what he meant by that. He was feeling whatever pain Coulson was in at the moment. The worst part of it was that the pain had subsided into a dull throbbing, to the point where McCoy was able to fight it off. She knew from the horrified look written across his face that nothing good came out of that.

A lump formed in the back of her throat as she glanced at the stretcher once more with guilt. Most of the medical team had been working diligently since the stretcher was brought in. No one wanted to admit the real reason behind its sudden arrival. Sarah hadn't missed the fact that McCoy hadn't left his office since the stretcher was brought in. It was only a few seconds later when she finally spotted him from the corner of her eye. She watched with mild concern as Nurse Chapel approached McCoy, the sympathy clouding her eyes making it that much worse. She knew in the back of her mind that if Coulson was dead, McCoy would have to be the one who wrote said report. And something told her that was the last thing on his mind.

"We need to take the body…"

McCoy threw Nurse Chapel a withering look that said it all. Sarah swallowed hard as everyone else stood nearby, ready to take on whatever tasks were given in that moment. No one wanted to be there when McCoy finally snapped at them. He had a terrible bedside manner and the voice to match it, though he rarely took it out on the medical team unless the situation demanded it.

"I can't do this," he let out a heavy sigh and buried his face into his hands. "I had to watch my own Pa die right before my eyes. At least he wasn't alone when he died, and at least I was able to say goodbye."

Sarah flinched as she understood what he was implying.

No one should have to go through this, she thought bitterly.

There was a time when she felt nothing but jealousy towards Coulson. The woman who had been her sister had taken everything from her, after all. She had been thoroughly pissed upon finding out that Coulson and McCoy had been seeing each other. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she might have dodged a bullet when McCoy turned her down. His bedside manner was terrible to begin with, and her parents would have never approved of him regardless of his title.

She shook her head at the thought. When she recalled how Coulson first appeared at the Academy, she should have known that their lives would change dramatically. Now, she wished that she could take back everything that was said between them. Or, a lack thereof. She hadn't said much of anything to Coulson even when they were working together on the same ship. It all changed because Coulson was not only of higher rank, but because she was so close to McCoy.

The more she thought about it, the guiltier she felt upon realizing how little she knew of her older sister. Their parents had never talked about Coulson when she was growing up. Even after the trials were all said and done, they never once looked back at Coulson. In truth, Sarah had been grateful when the trials were underway… she had never been close to her father, always trying so hard to reach his expectations that were too high. She supposed in some ways, Coulson was lucky to have been adopted after the Kelvin incident.

She was about to say something when she spotted McCoy out of the corner of her eye. His face was impossible to read. It looked as if someone had hit him with a ton of bricks. Sarah couldn't imagine what he was going through at the moment when he reached a nearby table. The table itself had a tribble that he had been working on since taking a sample of Khan's blood. She knew that he had been hopeful to find out whatever was causing the madman to survive a few blows to the face.

It took a few seconds for Sarah to register that McCoy was going through the five stages of grief and loss. She couldn't help but watch as he finally sank into a nearby chair and buried his face into his hands once more. At a time like this, she couldn't blame him for feeling so distraught. She knew the two of them had been close friends when they enlisted in the Academy. So it was hardly surprising to see how badly this would affect him.

Swallowing hard, Sarah was tempted to provide some comfort when McCoy suddenly looked up. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she realized that the tribble's fur was rising and falling, as if it had somehow been brought back to life.

"Get me a cryo-tube, now!" he shouted to the other nurses, startling them with his call. Sarah didn't need to be told twice as she headed for the nearest cryo-tube. "Get this guy out of the cryo-tube, keep him in an induced coma," McCoy instructed when everyone sprang into action, including Doctor Carol Marcus. Despite her recent injury, she'd made herself useful by helping out where she was needed in the medbay. "We're gonna put Emily inside. It's our only chance to preserve her brain function."

"Are you sure that's going to work?" she asked warily.

She knew that freezing the brain cells of any organism was the best way of preserving their body. But it was risky at best. They didn't know the proper sequences of bringing the person in question back to life, and that could risk killing them in the end. McCoy threw her a glare that would have sent anyone else packing. Yet, Sarah stood her ground and remained firm in the belief that if something could be done, they needed to pull through.

"I'm sure as hell willin' to try," he practically growled out the words, confirming what she first thought.

She almost smirked when Carol reached them, frowning when she noticed the tension between them, "How much of Khan's blood is left?" she asked tentatively.

McCoy frowned as he looked over at the table where he had been working with the tribble.

"None," he sighed in frustration before reaching a nearby com, "Enterprise to Spock. Spock!" he shouted through the com. Dammit, there wasn't any feedback. "Activate the cryogenic sequence," he added to Carol. "McCoy to bridge. I can't reach Spock or the Captain. I need Khan alive! You get that son of a bitch back on-board, right now!" He paused for a moment to let the news sink in, "I think he can save Emily."