A slightly less heavy chapter this time, now that we're dealing with mostly grief processing. There are also some Abba and Rose moments that will hopefully brighten this up a little :')
Chapter Three
Carmen allowed Maria to lead her into the house with an arm around her shoulders. Giorno was silent and disappeared almost as soon as he opened the door for them.
Carmen glanced around, not wanting to admit how much she dreaded running into Leone at this point. God…what could she even say? What should she say? Was sorry even good enough? She couldn't even stand the thought of saying sorry to herself.
"Why don't you take a hot bath?" Maria suggested as she urged Carmen upstairs. "I can get you some tea if you'd like."
Carmen simply nodded. Too tired to make her own decisions. She wandered into the bathroom and started the bath while Maria gathered some pajamas for her.
"Can I get you anything else?" she asked.
Carmen looked at the water gathering in the tub. "No. Just…make sure Rosie is okay?"
"Of course. Do you want me to bring her to you in a little bit?"
Carmen bit her lip. What would Rose think seeing her like this? And yet she just needed to hold her right now. She nodded.
Maria smiled. "I'll have her help me with the tea."
Carmen waited for the tub to fill and then sank into the water, her aching body hurting a little less. Her heart, on the other hand, did not. She curled around her knees, more tears dripping into the water below. She was crying again before she knew it. When would she ever stop crying?
The water was getting cool so she finally wiped her face and got out. There was really no point in crying anymore. At least that was what she tried to tell herself. It's not like she could fix it. Even Giorno couldn't fix it. It just…it felt like it was all her fault. The first time she had seen true joy on Leone's face and she couldn't even…
Carmen's throat tightened again and she angrily toweled off. No, she had to stop thinking about this right now.
She dressed and went to curl up in bed, trying to get comfortable.
It wasn't long before Maria showed up carrying a tray with tea and dry toast. Rosie toddled beside her, carrying a small vase of flowers.
"You have a visitor," Maria said with a soft smile.
Rose came over and handed her the flowers, a small frown in her brows. "Mama not feel good?" she asked.
"No, I don't feel good right now," Carmen said, trying not to get choked up again. Maria handed her the tea and bent to lift Rose onto the bed. The little girl snuggled close to Carmen.
"'S okay. You feel better soon," Rose told her determinedly. "Unca Gio fix?"
Carmen let out a shuddering breath. "Not this time. It's not like your scraped knee. But…I'll be okay. Don't worry about me, sweetie."
Would she, though? Carmen honestly couldn't be sure at the moment. She didn't know if she'd ever be okay again.
Abbacchio wasn't sure how long he had slept. Honestly hadn't even been sure when he had fallen asleep. But he woke to a gentle hand on his shoulder and opened his eyes to see an unfamiliar room and Maria standing over him.
He pushed himself up quickly as realization set in. "God, I'm sorry. I forgot I was sleeping in your bed."
"It's all right," Maria told him gently. "I just wanted to wake you up for dinner. I know you're probably not hungry, but I think it would be good for you to eat something.
Abbacchio exhaled and lowered his face into his hands, before realizing his makeup was smeared everywhere. He was sure he looked horrific.
Maria silently brought him some makeup wipes and sat next to him while he cleaned his face.
"Is Carmen…" he hesitated, not sure what he was even going to ask.
"She's sleeping right now," Maria told him.
"Is she…" he swallowed hard. "Does she even want to see me?"
Maria thought silently. "Give her tonight, but if you want my opinion, even if she doesn't want to see you, I think you both need to talk about this now. You both need to be there for each other. God, Leone." Maria's voice broke finally as she reached out and grabbed his hand. "I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now."
He clutched her hand tightly, remembering being the one to comfort her so long ago now. Back when all their lives were a lot more simple and none of them were parents and the only worry was getting Bruno to admit his feelings for Maria.
They sat in silence for a long moment before Abbacchio took a deep breath and stood up. "I'll…I'll talk to her tomorrow," he promised to Maria and himself.
She nodded and looped her arm through his to lead him down to the dining room.
It was a pretty sober affair. Everyone seemed subdued. Trish looked like she had been crying, eyes puffy as she helped Paolo into his booster seat. Even Mista was quiet, bouncing Rose on his lap.
Fugo and Bruno came in late from the office, but Giorno didn't even seem to be around. Abbacchio was too tired to think about that though. He just stared at his soup and tried to eat even though everything in him protested.
He wanted—no. He wouldn't allow himself to start drinking again. That wasn't going to happen. That was the last thing that would help anyone.
Why was he so scared of facing Carmen again?
He set his spoon aside finally, unable to eat another bite.
"Mista," he said, forcing the sound out of his mouth. "How did the rest of the job go today?"
Mista, along with everyone else, looked up, almost shocked.
"Oh, uh, it went fine. I'm working on the reports now. Both of the businesses agreed to our terms so they'll be paying protection soon."
Bucciarati nodded. "I'll make sure to introduce them to the Capo in their territory."
Another awkward pause, and Abbacchio couldn't take it anymore. He pushed back from the table. "Thanks," he muttered before heading to the living room and slumping down on the couch. He glanced toward the stairs and for a brief moment wanted to simply run up them and take Carmen in his arms, but was that what she needed right now? Or would that make everything worse? Both of them were in a very fragile state and Abbacchio wished someone could just tell him what to do.
Narancia followed soon and curled up on the other side of the couch, turning the television on. He didn't look at Abbacchio, but he said, "I don't think Carmen's mad at you, she's just sad. Sometimes that makes people avoid each other—sometimes more than they should." He finally glanced his way. "So, don't let that happen. Promise, Abba."
Abbacchio swallowed hard, but nodded.
Narancia's companionable silence continued, putting Abbacchio a little more at ease. He was still dead tired though. Narancia seemed to realize that because he left earlier than he would on a normal night, handing Abbacchio the remote.
"You should probably try to get some sleep."
Abbacchio sighed. "Yeah, I will eventually."
Narancia left and the house was eerily quiet aside from the television. Even Mariolina seemed to be quiet that night.
Bruno stopped by a little later, perching on the chair to Abbacchio's right. "Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked, a sense of helplessness in his eyes.
"I don't think anyone can do anything for me," Abbacchio said bitterly.
"If you need to talk…"
"What the hell can I even say?" Abbacchio finally burst out. "Talk about how fucking devastated I am? How much I was looking forward to this, how nothing has ever made me so happy? That I've always secretly wanted a family, and honestly got more than I ever expected here, especially after meeting Carmen and Rose. And I love Rose, with everything, but a child of my own blood…I guess maybe I thought that would prove that for once in my life I could do something without fucking it up, but apparently that's just not in my future."
He realized just how much he had dumped right there, and took a breath, seeing Bruno's face remain impassive despite the sympathy in his eyes.
"It's not too late for that, Leone," Bruno told him quietly after a long pause. "At some point, you—"
"And risk putting Carmen through this again?" Abbacchio demanded. "Risk putting both of us through this again? Because I really don't think I can do that."
Bruno nodded. "I understand. But this is also something you and Carmen need to make a decision on between the two of you. If you feel like you need professional help—"
"I'm not going to a shrink!" Abbacchio snapped.
Bruno held up his hands. "It was just a suggestion."
Abbacchio slumped and rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"You don't have to apologize," Bruno told him sincerely. He stood and moved over to settle a hand on Abbacchio's shoulder. "Just remember we're all here for you. I'm here if you need to talk. But you need to start with Carmen."
Abbacchio nodded. Bruno squeezed his shoulder and left him alone.
Abbacchio slumped back against the side of the couch, mindlessly watching the television.
He was slightly startled a little later as a small figure toddled toward him, holding her arms out to be lifted onto the couch.
"Hey, sweetie," Abbacchio murmured as he leaned over to pick Rose up, settling her into his lap. "You get all ready for bed?"
Rose looked up at him, deep brown eyes showing confusion and concern. "Why Mama sad?"
That one hit Abbacchio like a bullet to the heart. He tried to find the words as he looked at the innocent little face staring up at him.
He swallowed hard. "She's sad because the baby's not going to come live with us anymore."
Rose's face scrunched up, trying to make sense of what he'd said. "No baby?"
"I'm afraid not, honey."
Her little hands went up in a shrug. "Why no baby?"
Abbacchio exhaled. "I don't know. Sometimes those kinds of things just happen."
Rose cuddled close, laying her head on his chest. "Rosie wanted to see baby too."
"I know," Abbacchio said, voice choking up as he held Rose close and kissed the top of her head. "I did too."
Abbacchio did actually manage to sleep with Rose as a comfortable weight on his chest all night. It wasn't until Mista came down early that he passed the sleepy toddler off to the gunman and headed into the kitchen to make coffee and find something Carmen could eat for breakfast.
He carried the tray upstairs and knocked softly on the door before heading inside.
"Hey," he said quietly. "I brought you breakfast."
Carmen was sitting up against the pillows, reading, but she looked up, slightly wary as Abbacchio came in.
"I wasn't sure what you'd feel like, so if you don't want any of this, I can get you something else."
Carmen glanced at the tray as he set it on the bedside table, and set her book aside. "It's fine. I'm not that hungry."
He nodded and sat down on the side of the bed, exhaling slowly. "Carmen, we need to talk about it," he said lamely.
To his shock, Carmen's face crumpled instantly and she started crying. "I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up I can't even provide a child for you."
Abbacchio sat there in shock, wanting to reach out to her but not sure how she would take that at the moment. "Carmen, what—?"
"You don't have to pretend to be nice, I know you're upset. You probably can't even look at me!"
"That's not true. Of course I'm upset because of what happened, but the only reason I didn't come see you yesterday was because I thought you might want some space…"
"It's okay, you can say what you're really thinking," Carmen spat. "That your ex-prostitute recovering drug addict wife can't even carry a baby to term."
Abbacchio was flabbergasted. "What the hell? You think that's what I think of you?"
Carmen just sobbed and climbed off the bed. "Please go away, I just need to be alone."
"Carmen, wait!"
Abbacchio reached out and caught her hand in his, holding on tighter as she tried to pull away.
"Hey, please just listen to me a second," he pleaded and she finally stopped pulling, but didn't return to him either. He swallowed hard. "Is that really how you see yourself?"
She finally looked up at him, copper eyes bright with tears, hesitant, hurting. It tore Abbacchio up inside to see her like this.
He stepped closer, releasing her in order to take her face gently between his hands instead, thumbing away the tears as he met her eyes. "Because all I see is my wife, Signora Carmen Abbacchio. The mother to a beautiful little girl. The woman I love and married."
"Why? I can't even give you what you really want!" Carmen sobbed.
"You are what I want. You and Rose." Abbacchio finally shifted closer and simply pulled Carmen into his arms. She was stiff and unresponsive, but he didn't let go. He rested his chin on the top of her head and simply held her, exhaling slowly before he said. "These things…they just happen, Carmen. And it's no one's fault. And that doesn't make them less devastating. Of course I'm sad, and so are you, but it's not your fault. Maybe it's just not in the cards right now—that doesn't mean there won't be other children in our future. But if for some reason you think I hate you or that I want to leave you over something like this, you're wrong. I just want to be here to help you through this. And, honestly?" his voice shook and he had to gather himself before he finished. "I don't think I can do this without you either."
Carmen finally sagged against him with another sob, hands hesitantly twining into his shirt. "You don't hate me?"
"Of course not, mi amore," he whispered thickly, kissing her forehead. "I could never hate you."
"I don't deserve you."
"No, you deserve better than me," Abbacchio told her. "I'm sorry I can't offer more, but I'm here. Whatever you need to get out, whatever you need to talk about, I'm here for you. We'll get through this together." He held her closer and finally let the sob he had been holding in escape in a shuddering sigh. "I'm so sorry, Carmen."
She let out another sob as well as she kissed his jaw. "I'm sorry too, Leone."
Breakfast was forgotten as they simply held each other and cried out all their feelings for as long as they needed to to get back on the road to repairing their fractured hearts.
Trish and Fugo found Maria as she was changing Mariolina in the nursery.
"What's wrong?" she asked as she saw the looks on their faces.
"Someone needs to talk to Giorno and he's avoiding us." Trish told her.
"What's going on with Giorno?" Maria asked, briefly remembering he hadn't been at dinner the night before, but with everything else it had admittedly slipped her mind.
"I think he blames himself for not being able to do anything about the baby," Fugo told her.
Maria's heart sank, remembering how even she had practically demanded Giorno go try to help yesterday. She finished up with Mariolina. "I'll go talk to him. Where is he?"
"Out in the garden," Trish told her.
Maria handed the baby off to the two and headed out toward the back doors. She looked up at the sky as a cool breeze caught her skirt and saw that it was threatening rain.
She glanced over to the side of the yard where she caught sight of Giorno weeding the rose bushes, sleeves rolled up to his elbows with little regard for the thorns that she could see had already caught on his skin without him bothering to fix them.
Maria made her way over, making sure Giorno could hear her approach. "There you are," she called as if she hadn't expected to find him here. "It looks like it's about to rain."
Giorno didn't look up at her, continuing to dig the trowel into the dirt to uproot a particularly stubborn weed. "Is Bucciarati looking for me?"
"No," Maria said as she took a seat on the low garden wall, looking at the roses that were in full bloom now, making the whole yard smell sweet. "These have filled in nicely in the last few years. I remember the way they looked when Bruno proposed to me." She smiled fondly at the memory. "The ones Leone asked you to plant are beautiful too and I'm not usually personally a fan of such dark flowers. They smell so lovely."
"Purple roses always smell the sweetest," Giorno said with a vicious tug that finally dislodged the root. He suddenly snorted wryly as he took up his trowel again and began attacking another weed. "Of course, I can make black roses with a snap of my fingers but I can't…" He stopped, stabbing the small shovel into the dirt and bringing an arm up to rub across his face.
"Giorno," Maria said gently. "You know that it's not—"
"Don't," he said quickly, finally sitting back on his heels with his hands resting in his lap, clenching them as they started to shake. "Don't…make excuses for me."
"Giorno, darling, that's not what I'm trying to do, and I'm sorry if I put undue pressure on you yesterday, I just—"
"No, you were in your right; it was me who failed." He slumped down on the wall about a foot away from her, shoulders hunched, hands clasped in front of him briefly, before he opened them, looking at the palms that were littered in small cuts and dirt. "I—I could feel the briefest flicker of life slipping through my fingers," he choked out. "I tried, but, honestly, even if I had been able to form some amalgamation of life with Gold Experience in that moment, I don't even know what it would have been. If it would have even been a baby anymore. But still, I should have done something, I should have done more, and now—"
A choked sob escaped his throat and Maria's heart broke for the young man sitting next to her. She couldn't help but reach out and pull him in. Giorno sagged further and rested his head on her shoulder, shuddering with another sob.
"Mi caro ragazzo," she murmured, resting a hand on his head to pull him closer. "No one is blaming you. There was nothing you could do."
"But what if there was and I'm just not…I'm just not strong enough yet?" Giorno croaked. "What if years from now I find out I could have saved the baby?"
"I can't answer that question for you, Giorno," Maria told him softly. "But I know, just like Carmen and Leone know, that you did everything you could and the blame doesn't lie with anyone. Sometimes tragedy just happens and all we can tell ourselves is that maybe there is a reason for it."
"How is that supposed to make it better?" Giorno demanded, pulling away again.
Maria stopped. "I don't know, honestly. But I like to remind myself that even though I lost my father and brother, it was only because of that I met Bruno and all of you and was blessed with Paolo and Mari. You can't always know where hard times will lead, but I know for myself, I would never give this up, even if I had to relive my past sorrows a hundred times. As long as I knew I had my family to look forward to, then I think everything would be all right."
Giorno stared at his hands again, and a couple of the cuts started to close up. Maria reached out and took one of his hands in both of hers. "We're all hurting now, but Carmen and Leone have each other, and all of us, and Rose. We're going to get them through this together. It won't be easy, but we'll survive nevertheless."
Giorno wiped his face on the back of his hand, just as raindrops started to fall. He finally turned to Maria and offered her a hand to help her up. "You're right. I need to put up a stronger front anyway. I'm the Don after all. I should be leading by example."
Maria smiled at him and looped her elbow through Giorno's as they headed back to the house.
She let him slip off to wash his hands and headed into the office where Bruno was working alone at the moment. She went up to him unceremoniously and looped her arms around his neck, leaning over to kiss him.
"Maria?" he asked, slightly bemused. "Are you all right, my love?"
She continued to hold onto him for a long moment. "Of course, darling. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you."
Abbacchio didn't even check to see what time it was when he finally got up, making sure Carmen was still tucked securely under the soft blankets they had cocooned themselves in as they added their tears to the rain pounding on the roof.
Abbacchio went to wash his face, actually feeling quite a bit better, and then took the tray of cold breakfast back down to the kitchen.
Trish was making coffee and glanced up with a small smile. "Can I get you anything to eat?"
Abbacchio placed the tray by the sink a little helplessly. "I don't know."
"You don't have to think about it, I'll just make you something," Trish assured him and he finally sat down at the table, watching vaguely as Trish made him a sandwich and handed him that with a cup of coffee before sitting down across from him.
"How are you holding up?" she asked sincerely.
Abbacchio picked up the sandwich with a shrug. "Honestly, I don't know yet. It just kind of comes in waves, you know?"
"I know," Trish replied.
"Where's Rose?" Abbacchio asked after a cautious bite. It didn't taste like much to him right now, but he knew he had to keep his strength up.
"She's with Narancia right now. She keeps asking about Carmen." Trish's lip trembled slightly before she seemed to steel herself. "You don't have to worry about her right now, she'll be fine with us."
"I know," Abbacchio said quickly. "But I need to…I need to hold her." The admission fell from his mouth like glass, fully realizing just how much he needed that, and Trish looked like she was about to cry but she nodded and got up, returning before too long with the toddler who smiled and held her arms out when she saw Abbacchio, repairing his heart just a little bit.
"Papa," she said happily as he settled her in his lap.
"Hey, sweetie. You having fun?"
She nodded. "Unca Nara play crayons with me. You play too?"
"In a little bit," Abbacchio promised. "We can play this afternoon. What do you want to do?"
Rose clapped her hands with a giggle and turned to Trish. "Wanna paint hands like Auntie Tish!"
Trish grinned at Abbacchio's confused look. She wiggled her fingers at Rose. "You mean, paint fingernails?" she asked.
"Paint fing'nail!" Rose said excitedly and looked up at Trish questioningly. "Girly time?"
Trish laughed and smirked up at Abbacchio. "You want Papa to join us in girly time?"
"Papa join!" Rose insisted.
Abbacchio couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped him. "Okay, I guess I'll join you in girly time this once."
Once he had finished eating Trish brought out her nail polish and they sat at the table.
"What color do you want, Rosie?" she asked.
Rose clapped her hands. "Black like Papa's!"
Trish giggled as Abbacchio gave his daughter a bewildered look. "I knew you were going to raise a little goth, Abba."
"It didn't help you and Narancia insisted she dressed up as a bat for Halloween," Abbacchio muttered, pretending he wasn't about to smile.
"She was adorable, and she went with your vampire outfit!"
"Which you also picked out."
Pretty soon Trish had deftly painted Rose's fingernails black and was showing the toddler how to do it herself using Abbacchio as practice.
It was almost like a normal day off, until Abbacchio thought he should slip off to check on Carmen and make sure she didn't need anything else.
Finding her still asleep when he peeked in the door, he turned quietly to leave her be and almost ran into Giorno as he headed back down the hall.
The blond seemed just as surprised to see him, staring at him with the deer in the headlights look Abbacchio hadn't seen from the kid in years.
"Giorno, you good?" he asked, frowning.
Giorno shifted, pressing his lips together, before he finally said. "Abba…I…I'm really sor—"
Abbacchio, suddenly realizing what had spooked Giorno so much, quickly held up his hand and simply stepped forward, pulling the young man into a firm embrace.
Giorno stood there in surprise as Abbacchio held him for a few long moments—god, was the kid really only a couple inches shorter than him now? When had that happened?
"Whatever you think you didn't do, it's not your fault, kid," Abbacchio assured him before he pulled away and held Giorno by the shoulders. "So stop beating yourself up about it."
Giorno opened his mouth again but Abbacchio shook his head. "I know you, Giorno. Get it out of your head."
Giorno finally seemed to relax a little and nodded. "I'll try. I am sorry, though, Abba. I really am."
"I am too," Abbacchio said and refused to get choked up again at the moment. He settled a hand briefly on the top of Giorno's head then continued on his way down the stairs where he could hear Rose laughing about something. "Cut some of those roses for Carmen when you get the chance, will you? Maybe…maybe something else to brighten the room too."
"I'll bring her a nice bouquet," Giorno promised.
Abbacchio descended the stairs, taking a deep breath. He was still swimming; he might be treading water, but he hadn't drowned yet. He could last a little while longer before he saw land.
