AN: This chapter is a filler chapter, mostly. I found that I was really struggling to write when I was being more constrictive of how I wrote the chapters and following the outline I'd made. So, if this chapter feels a little different, that's why. There's not much Mark in this chapter, just fyi.

With this chapter being chapter 10 (my outlined end chapter) - I think there's only about 5 more chapters to go. This chapter was to tide you over as I try to navigate towards the ending I've had planned since the beginning. So I hope nothing comes too much of a shock in the next few chapters.

The title of this chapter comes from the song Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu. I hope you enjoy, please review! :) LT.


part ten

what am i supposed to do

..

Addison looked at herself curiously in the full length mirror, smoothing out a barely visible wrinkle in the sheath dress she was wearing. It was forest green and hugged her figure tightly, accentuated by the thin belt she'd looped around her waist and the gold necklace she'd layered over the top. She looked good and she felt good and though she knew she'd end up in scrubs at some point during the day, she didn't mind.

As she grabbed her coat and briefcase, she wondered if Mark would be at the hospital and if she could convince him to get lunch. They'd been a bit hesitant with each other since the night in the on-call room but Addison simply wanted them to get back to being them. That was the other reason she'd chosen green; Mark's gaze always seemed to linger on her whenever she wore the color. She suspected he enjoyed it on her. She chose to ignore the fact that she was, in essence, dressing up for someone that wasn't her husband.

It was still early but Derek had spent the night at the hospital, a surgery had run late and so she dashed out the door of a quiet home. It didn't take her long to get to the hospital and start her day - she was thankful for the morning of appointments she had, breezing through them with ease. She only had one surgery on the board for that afternoon and she hadn't had any emergencies either. All in all, it was a rather slow day for her.

Which is how she'd drifted onto the surgical floor, to check out the board, hoping to bump into Mark. It wasn't a deliberate decision but he'd been at his practice the day before and she knew he worked at the hospital today. So she was pleasantly surprised to see Mark strolling towards the nurses station in his scrubs, looking rather pleased with himself. She watched him for a moment, as he leant against the desk, a chart in front of him swiping pen across paper.

Addison made her way over towards him casually, smiling when he finally looked and noticed her. She leant against the desk beside him, mindful to keep some space between them. She hadn't been joking that night when she'd told him she could barely function when he touched her; and really it had been ridiculous how the most innocent of touches had affected her. Since then they'd been very good at keeping their hands in their own personal space.

"Good morning, Addison," Mark greeted. He smirked as he looked at her, his eyes lingering on her dress for a moment longer than was probably appropriate but he couldn't help it. Addison was a beautiful woman, she always had been and that dress she was wearing only helped to highlight that. When his gaze finally found her face again, he shook his head at the smirk that had settled on her lips. His wandering gaze clearly hadn't been so subtle.

"I'd say good morning back but it's only just noon," Addison replied, voice lilting with amusement as she glanced down at the watch on her wrist. "I was going to ask though...if you wanted to get lunch. With me. Unless you're busy, of course," Addison asked quickly, nervous about his answer.

Mark could see that she was unsure about her invitation to lunch. Despite their words that things would go back to normal, it hadn't happened quite yet. He resisted the urge to reach out and take her hand, to offer her some comfort because they had agreed on no touching. Mark respected that but he also hadn't realized just how much he actually did casually touch people; not just Addison but others' too. He'd always been a very physical person and now that he was restricted from touching the one person he really wanted to - all he could think about was touching Addison whenever they were near. It was starting to become a problem.

"Lunch sounds great. Where do you want to go?" Mark agreed, even though he knew he probably shouldn't. But he wanted to spend time with Addison, he could begrudgingly admit that to himself.

Addison grinned, pressing her hands together momentarily to keep from reaching out to touch him. "That place down the block?"

"Lead the way, Red."

..

Drinks with both Weiss and then Mark, separately, had given Derek some clarity and some things to think about. He knew he wasn't always the most present husband and sometimes he put his work before everything else, including Addison but he wanted to stay married. He didn't just want to give up after 11 years. But he also didn't know if he had the energy to truly fix things with Addison.

The advice he'd gotten from Weiss was basically to communicate and Derek knew that; that was probably the most basic and obvious marriage advice that could be given. And Derek knew he should talk to Addison but he also knew if they talked, they might open up a box that they couldn't close again. If they couldn't close it, Derek didn't know where they'd be then. Besides, Addison seemed to have gone back to normal anyway.

With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair as he made his way up the steps leading to the front door of their brownstone. He hadn't told Addison he was meeting Mark but with the way things were currently he didn't think she'd be waiting for him anyway. He could see through the frosted panes that the foyer light was still on and as he pushed open the door he wasn't surprised to see that most of the rest of the house was in darkness.

He locked the door behind him and dropped his briefcase on the side table before making his way upstairs, wanting nothing more than to just climb into bed. Pushing open his bedroom door he was surprised to see that Addison was still awake. She was sitting up on her side of the bed, reading and she was startled when he opened the door, turning to look at him in surprise.

"Oh. I wasn't expecting you home," Addison told him plainly, her brows furrowed curiously.

Derek frowned at the words as he stepped further into their bedroom and started to undress and get ready for bed. "I'm not on call tonight," he said as he headed for their bathroom.

"I know," Addison replied matter-of-factly, reaching for her bookmark and placing it before closing the book and settling it on her nightstand.

Derek paused, turning to glance at her for a moment. She'd said the words so easily and frankly that it sounded almost like an accusation. Annoyance flared up in him at her passive aggression and he wanted to say something but then he shook his head, deciding it wasn't worth it. It was late and he was tired and despite knowing he should talk to her, he felt like it'd only end in an argument, like it always did. So instead he went about his routine and when he came back out of the bathroom, Addison had turned off the light and was already laying down under the covers.

He didn't say anything. He simply moved around to his side of the bed as quietly as he could and got in. He settled under the covers, feeling slightly awkward when he realized that though Addison was laying down, she was still awake, they both were. Turning his head, he watched his wife's back for a moment and wanted to reach out and touch her. He frowned when he realized he couldn't remember the last time he'd actually shared a bed with his wife; probably the night she'd distracted him.

He sighed. What a state his marriage was in that it had been over a week since he'd slept in the same bed as his wife.

Extending a hand cautiously, Derek decided to take a chance. His fingertips grazed her shoulder gently. "Addison?" he questioned quietly, though they were the only two people in the brownstone. "Addie?"

It took a moment but then Addison turned around slowly, rolling onto her other side so that they were facing each other. She'd given up pretending to sleep rather quickly.

"What is it Derek?" she asked tiredly, frowning with concern thinking that something was wrong.

Derek stopped for a moment, not sure what he wanted to say but looking at Addison he gave her a small, genuine smile. "I was thinking tomorrow night, we should go out. Have dinner together. Like a...like a date night," Derek explained, the plan forming as he spoke. He didn't know what he'd originally wanted to say but he knew that a date night would be something Addison would like.

Addison's eyes widened a little in shock. Of everything she'd expected Derek to say, talking about a date night was not something she had been expecting, not in the least. She couldn't even remember the last time they'd done anything like that. It had to have been well over a year since the last time they'd gone on a date together.

"Really? Are you sure?" she asked, feeling the need to double check that her husband knew what he was asking.

"Yes, Addison. We can go to that French place you like," Derek told her firmly, feeling unsettled about the surprise she seemed to be in. "I'll make a reservation," he continued, lifting a hand to cup her jaw, thumb caressing over her cheek softly as they looked at each other.

"Okay," Addison nodded, smiling genuinely at the suggestion. "That sounds nice," she said, watching as Derek's own smile widened at her words.

Instinct took over then as Derek leaned forward, closing the gap between them to press a kiss to Addison's lips. It was light at first, then Derek deepened the kiss. The last time they'd had sex had been weighing heavily on his mind and he felt the need to erase that as their last time together. And as Addison responded eagerly and he pulled her closer, his hands slipping around her body easily, he wanted nothing more than to forget that weird night had ever happened.

They moved together slowly and hesitantly at first but then want and need took over. Derek groaned against Addison's shoulder, nipping at her pale skin as he moved inside of her, enjoying the way she clung to him. He trailed a hand down her body to where they were joined, fingers eagerly pressing against her sensitive bundle of nerves - grinning at her gasp and the shudders that followed. He could feel her muscles pulsing around him and it didn't take him long then to follow suit, groaning into her neck as he finished inside of her.

For several long moments they simply stayed wrapped up in each other, letting their breathing settle and their heart rates steady. Derek shifted up, his hands pressed to the mattress beneath her to keep his weight off of her as he bent his head a little to press his lips to hers in an affectionate kiss. They both pulled back, smiling slightly as they disconnected - Derek falling back to his own side of the bed tiredly. Addison smiled, shifting over and off the bed, heading for the bathroom to clean herself up.

Derek pulled his pajama pants back on and settled onto his side of the bed, slowly starting to fall asleep. His eyes were closed when he heard Addison make her way out of the bathroom and he opened his eyes sleepily to watch her as she slipped on one of his shirts and climbed back into bed. She shifted in the bed until she was right beside him, leaning over to press a quick kiss to his bare shoulder. "Goodnight Derek," she murmured and before she could shift away from him, Derek slipped an arm around her. He settled his arm around her waist, letting her cuddle into his side, giving her an affectionate peck on the forehead.

"Goodnight Addie."

And with that they both drifted off to sleep.

..

It was one of the best French restaurants in town and one that she and Derek had been to multiple times. Despite all that though, Addison felt apprehension seep through her as she waited at the bar. Derek had suggested this date and Derek had made the reservation. Derek was also 15 minutes late and Addison felt her stomach twist into knots.

She felt silly for having felt hopeful earlier in the day. It was rare these last few years that Derek showed this much interest in her. And she couldn't help but think that she should've known better and not gotten her hopes up where her husband was concerned. It was a lousy thing to think about the man she was married too - but he'd made a routine of forgetting about her.

The martini in front of her was almost empty and she contemplated getting another, or possibly just leaving altogether. Her phone and pager were both message-less. To her, it was a clear sign that even though Derek had organized all of this, he'd reverted back to type. In the past she'd have felt disappointed and annoyed and frustrated but right now all she felt was resignation - not just about this date or about Derek. But about their marriage as a whole. Addison didn't want to think it, in fact she'd actively been pushing the thoughts away, but she couldn't help feeling as if her marriage was slowly dying.

She gulped the rest of her martini down, standing up to slide off her stool. There was no use staying around when she knew Derek's pattern after all. It'd be just her luck if Derek chose to send Mark in her place - she wasn't sure she could stand to be so close to him right now, with the way she was feeling.

As she turned however, her eyes widened in surprised.

"Derek?" She managed to gasp out softly, truly shocked to see her husband in the crowded restaurant.

Derek grinned. "You look surprised to see me," he greeted her jokingly, stepping forward to press a kiss to her cheek. "I'm sorry I was late. My last surgery ran just a little bit over and then the Chief, caught me. Still, I think I made impressive time," Derek told her lightly, checking his watch to see he'd only been late by twenty minutes. "Almost thought I'd have to send Mark to explain and keep you company," he chuckled.

Addison laughed lightly at the words, grabbing her handbag as they headed for the maître d'. "It's fine," Addison told him, as they were shown to their table. "I'm just glad you made it." The words weren't a lie but Addison also wasn't sure just how truthfully she meant them.

They sat down in their seats, talking about their days. Addison found it hard to concentrate however as her mind strayed to how easily she'd believed the worst of her husband. She didn't mean to be distracted throughout their dinner but to her, it was a sign at how bad things had gotten between them. Worse still, she didn't feel as if she could bring these things up with Derek, especially when he was clearly trying to do better. It would only lead to fighting and god, she was sick of fighting with him.

He didn't seem to notice her less than present state of mind though and for that she was grateful. Dinner was lovely, despite all her inner ruminations. As they exited the restaurant, Derek took her hand, lacing their fingers together as they strolled down the street. They looked like a picture perfect couple.

"I'm glad we did this Addison. It was good, wasn't it?" Derek started, glancing over to her for reassurance.

Addison nodded, a slight smile gracing her lips. "It was. It's been a while."

"It has," Derek agreed. It was silent for a moment as they walked, seemingly taking their time on their way home. He stopped them then, turning to face Addison as they took a step out of the walking path. "Look, Addie. I know I've been busy a lot and I know I get too singularly focused on work. So, I probably don't say it enough. But I do love you," he told her sweetly.

"I love you too, Derek," Addison replied, as if by rote, leaning in to kiss him lightly. But, for the first time in 15 years, Addison wasn't sure if she truly meant it.